unsureoffuture

Hi SR friends,

I have made strides this week in trying to change my life with AH!

For those of you that haven't read my story. I have been married 11 years to DH who is an alcoholic. We have two young children. He is a working healthcare professional by day (never misses a day) and then is drinking constantly at home nights and weekends. He does not become aggressive, abusive, angry or agitated when he drinks. Most of the time you wouldn't realize he was drinking if you didn't know better. He is more of the reclusive drunk, unavailable and not a participant in our family. He has become the slurry words, affectionate "sloppy drunk" though in the past. He is a good father but a terrible husband. My needs are never even thought of and there is no relationship and hasn't been for some time. We are more like roommates. I asked him two years ago to go to AA. He decreased for a bit but never stopped drinking. I think he thinks he can manage it on his own. Not really sure what he thinks because he is not the communicative type he is the retreater. You can talk and talk he will just not respond.

I am done with the drinking and the stress of it all. This week I visited a Divorce lawyer yesterday and started seeing a therapist myself. I know I could be ok if we did divorce. I would be able to support the kids myself. My therapist thinks that I should stage an intervention with him and give him the opportunity to get help. She says that he will need a 28 day inpatient program and heavy AA but because we have young kids and he has never tried any help we should at least try that before I just end the marriage for the sake of the children.

What are your thoughts on intervention and inpatient rehab? Has anyone tried it and been successful or I am just prolonging the inevitable? I will have my plan in place to leave if it comes to it. I just don't know what to do.

wanttobehealthy

Does you therapist have addiction experience? I ask because the advice to do an intervention and try to get your AH to AA for the sake of the kids before you end your marriage seems counterintuitive to a healthy approach to dealing with addiction.

You can certainly suggest that he go to AA (which it sounds like you have) and can stage an intervention, but my experience is that an alcoholic will ONLY get help when THEY feel it is needed.

I wonder if maybe you should go check out a few other therapists and see if there's anyone who has a different perspective on your AH. Something about hearing that your therapist is suggesting you stay with your AH when you have decided you want to be done and telling you you should stay for the sake of the kids is really bothersome to me.

I think YOU are the one who has lived in your home and YOU know best what is best for you and your kids.

I tried to force my AH to rehab and AA thanks to a therapist suggesting I put in more effort (this was a marriage therapist) and all that happened is that it made it much harder for me to leave...

LexieCat

I agree with wtbh. It also depends on what you told the therapist. Did you tell the therapist you are DONE and ready to leave the marriage? Or did you say you are conflicted, not sure what the right thing to do is, whether to give up on the possibility of his getting sober?

Believe me, children are harmed MUCH more by living in a home with active alcoholism than they are by divorce. So having the goal of staying together for the sake of the children might actually put them through more stress than a divorce at this point. Because there is no guarantee--even if he were to agree to go to a rehab--that he will stay sober. You've mentioned no desire he has expressed to get sober and stay that way.

I think I would shop around a bit for a different therapist, personally.

unsureoffuture

Hi wanttobehealthy,
yes, the therapist specializes in addiction and I went to her to help me sort out what to do. I am not sure I want to leave yet but not sure I want to stay. I know things cant go on the way they are now with his continued drinking. She said that based on what I told her my AH is so far into his addiction that he wouldnt be able to stop on his own and that based on the personality type I was describing since I have never actually come right out and given him an ultimatum he might be very likely to go to AA. She said to at least give him the chance to change and then the rest is up to him. I am comfortable with that decision because knowing him he will go to rehab if I threaten divorce and custody. My real worries are am I strong enough to continue this battle with him and low success rates of sobriety.

wanttobehealthy

If you threaten divorce to your AH (I say this from my experience for what it's worth) be prepared to follow through because telling him "I am unable to live with active alcoholism and want a divorce" and then going back on that and back and forth again will simply show him that you do not mean what you say and it will become a vicious cycle for you.

I feel for you and think that you seeing a therapist is a really good thing for you and your kids...

You could always tell your AH you want a separation because you don't want to live as things are and then wait and see.... If he decides he wants to get well, you will see it and know it. That's an alternative to divorce or staying.. Kind of a middle ground.

Honeybean

You are not alone! We are all struggling with the aftermath of destruction that our A's have left us with. We are the survivors and we are stronger. We are left to take care of our kids, our homes, our bills and all the while keep ourselves from falling apart. We are the glue that keeps everything together in a crisis. The only thing that can we can be absolutely sure of is that we continue to value ourselves and take care of each other as well go through our lives and that there is a reason that we are being tested. The only one that can save your A is your A! When we stop being their doormat then they show their true colors and it's up to them to grow up and take responsibility for their actions... Stand your ground!!

Joe Nerv

I'm with your therapist on this one, but also agree that you have to be 100% ready and willing to leave should he not accept treatment. True, he won't get any better unless he truly wants it, but for some losing their family is needed to get them to that point. I've heard lot and lots of stories in AA where people were forced into treatment, and then something eventually clicked. Lots of guys get sober cuz their wives were done with them too.

Not saying an intervention IS or will be the answer, but I agree with your therapist that its worth the effort. If done professionally and with guidance. I believe it will help you also in your decision to know you did all you absolutely could.

bless5

I have to agree. Then if he doesnt change, at least you know you have done everything YOU can do to save the marriage.

My RAH sounds a lot like yours, and I finally did give him an ultimatum, and it worked. My ultimatum was more a boundary: I would NOT be married to him if he continued to drink and alcohol was no longer allowed in my home. He finally went to AA on his own and He has been sober for 4 years now. I was ready for divorce after 25 years of marriage and he knew my ultimatium wasn't a threat, but a fact. The first year was really hard, but we have slowly rebuilt our marriage.

mfanch

Also keep in mind that if you intervene and the board finds out, they can suspend his license and he can lose his job. Happened to me. I couldn't get my license back until I was compliant with all the paperwork, drug screens, and 12-step meetings. Only then would they clear me to work again. Oh, and my license had restrictions on it. It took me almost 2 years to find a job....because who wants to hire an alcoholic, even a recovered one (because then there is monthly paperwork, usually a narcotics restriction, and a supervision requirement). Some try to keep this information under the radar, but they ask you when you renew your license if you have had any arrests, issues (alcohol etc), and whatnot. Some people decide to lie and it comes back to haunt them.

Dh says that if he had to do it over again, he would go to alanon sooner and leave with the kids sooner. He did not realize that ramifications of an intervention on my professional license.

After the intervention and rehab (which I call "the great kerfluffle of '03"), I ended up returning to drinking anyway (for several more years) before *I* was ready to get sober. Once I was ready, though, great things started happening in my life. I hit *MY* bottom on June 1, 2009 and have not had a drink/drug since. Dh and I are still married and our relationship has been restored, but it was a long road and a lot of work.

I would say do what YOU need to do to take care of you and your children.

Jazzman

A drunk father is not a good father, happy drunk or mean drunk.

We were planning an intervention and I was ready to pull the trigger on divorce if she refused treatment. Had already consulted an Attorney and was committed to be free of living with active addiction one way or the other. But before the intervention she decided on her own she needed help and checked into detox then a thirty day rehab program.

Fast forward a couple years and add two rehabs, two totaled cars and a DUI later, I filed for divorce. My support for her faded in time as did her attempts at sobriety. I am of the opinion that hope is not a plan. A solid plan to protect yourself and your children would be a great idea.

unsureoffuture

Thank you all for the honest words. Yes, my boundaries are in place. I will no longer live with an alcoholic who continues to drink or use alcohol whatsoever in my home. I will go through with the divorce if he refuses. I have all the paperwork ready for the divorce attorney.I have money stashed away for an "emergency". I will either leave him and rent a house nearby or fight to keep the house (he is more emotionally attached than I am) since it was his and he designed and built it before we were married. It is easier now knowing I can write it into the parenting plan to use his address for school so the kids don't have to be uprooted from the school they know. I will fight for as much custody and as much as possible. I am doing what I can to take care of me. I am now going to come first but I will support him if he chooses to get sober.

Tryingtoletgo3

Being in the field, I can tell you that many counselors and therapists who are working in the area of addictions, should not be. Please make sure you are working with an LCAC and not a LCSW. Technically I could see kids and do play therapy, but I know that is outside of my scope and I would be terrible at it. Unfortunately, many don't practice within their scope of absolute knowledge and experience. That being said, if you are interested in staging an intervention, I would highly suggest finding an experienced and licensensed interventionist. If an intervention is not planned and orchestrated properly, it can do more harm than good. A good interventionist is expensive (normally $3000-$10000 depending on where you live.) I have seen great results from interventions as well as terrible results. It all depends on the individual, where they are personally and how everything is orchestrated. It is a decision that only you will know is right for your family or not. Even if you decide that you want to divorce your husband, remember, he will have time with your kids after the split. An intervention may be used for their sake for after the divorce if you find yourself done regardless.

unsureoffuture

Thank you for this! I am aware he may lose his job and that would be hard financially but not detrimental as I am also a health professional who makes a decent living. We would be ok if I had to support myself and the kids. He makes about double what I make so yes it would be a huge blow to our current standard of living but I can afford a small house, condo or townhome on my own. The alternative is we divorce now, he never gets help and he gets some shared custody (FL is more an more dads rights lately) and continues to drink and my kids are the ones who suffer when I am not there to protect them. At least this will be a chance to help everyone and it will be on record for the future and he will attempt to get help for their sake. Then and only then can we see about rebuilding the marriage if thats possible.

lillamy

I've seen two successful interventions - if by "successful" you mean "the addict went to rehab." One of those two people has over 20 years of sobriety today, the other one is drinking himself to death.

Both men were confronted by families, friends, and employers without warning, and without wiggle room. I think the reason one remains sober and one doesn't is that the first one *was ready*. He had, deny it though he did, realized he had a big whopping problem and his life was going straight down the toilet. So in retrospect, he says he was almost relieved when told "you can get in that car out there and go to rehab, or you can fetch your belongings from the curb outside your house tomorrow and pick up your last paycheck on the way out today." He was ready to not have a choice. He could successfully argue with his addiction that going to rehab was the least bad option, all things given.

The other guy went because he couldn't afford to lose his job. He wasn't ready. He wasn't prepared mentally to take the necessary responsibility.

That long story to say - you can force a horse to water but... If he is not ready to acknowledge he has a problem - chances are an intervention and rehab will be a very expensive way to figure out that he's not ready to acknowledge he has a problem..

Recovering2

I looked into arranging an intervention, and learned a lot about what's involved. You really do need a professional interventionist, and they are not cheap. They don't only run/monitor the intervention, they arrange rehab prior and help the family prepare before. I had in interventionist who was wonderful, but also gave me a good dose of reality. Here's the tricky part of an intervention....everyone involved needs to be on board 100%. You each get a chance to tell your AH how this is affecting you, and you let him know if he doesn't go to rehab right then what the consequence will be. But you have to be ready to follow through. If even one person backs down, it won't work.

You also have to consider if an intervention leads to rehab, he may be doing it to avoid divorce/pacify family, etc. But is he doing it because HE is ready, because He really in his heart wants it?? If not, it won't work in the end. They really have to make the decision for themselves, not because they're being forced to.

skippernlilg

I was going to chime in as an ACOA. If he is so sick that he cannot manage a healthy relationship with you, he certainly cannot be classified as a "good father". The primary relationship learning for children comes directly from his/her parents. I learned some mighty bad behavior. Just a thought.

unsureoffuture

I think deep down in his heart of hearts he knows he has a deep deep problem and is ready for change but just cant see how to get there. I'm not SURE of this because I'm not him but I think it. From what it appears the last few months he has just been doing what it takes to "maintain" the alcohol without going into withdrawals. He tells me on a daily basis the his family, the kids especially are his life. He is not happy in his job and has no other positive outlets. I think when confronted with the fact that he will lose his family he will comply. I think he is "ready" I just don't know if he is strong enough. He also suffers from depression and OCD and has very low self esteem. I don't know how the intervention thing would work because he doesn't really have many friends anymore or ones that actually know. He is the reclusive drunk so he just stays home and drinks. I am the person that is most affected because I live in the house. The kids are too young to be aware yet because his behaviors are subtle, even my family want aware until I pointed it out. He is very very good at hiding it from others and putting up a front but an alcoholic is an alcoholic.

I agree with the others who said an alcoholic father is not a "good father". What I meant was he has not let his drinking interfere with his relationship with the kids. He does put forth a lot of effort into the children and spends a good deal of time with them (although he is sneaking drinks in the garage when he does it). Definitely not ok at all in my book and not the father figure I want to portray to them but at least he does have a good relationship with them. A few of my friends with ADH have the angry, bitter, emotionally abusive drunk and I am just fortunate they do not have to observe that.

dandylion

unsureoffuture, I just want to say that I am a licensed medical professional of many years. I have been dismayed to see some others who went into treatment programs at the behest of their particular professional board---were rendered practically unable to work again--even when they worked they were so restricted that no one wanted to hire them. This was a major loss in their lives---to have their profession go down the drain after so many years of study and preparation was a major life l oss and changed their lives considerably.

Rehab is not necessarily a magic pill--as others have alluded to. If a person is ready--they can also get the same help from AA---if they are serious enough to get a sponsor and work the program (steps) diligently. Even with rehab--they will need to work a vigorous program in order to truly gain and maintain sobriety.

He may need a detox period---which can be managed by a private doctor, in some cases. I have known some people who have successfully done this.

If he is motivated for rehab. then he is motivated for AA. Motivated is motivated. For an intervention to work----as far as my experience (I have worked with alcoholics)---there are several factors that have to be present---. I personally knew one to "work" for about a year and one half--but, sadly, she relapsed and died of liver disease.

What I am saying is to consider all aspects very carefully. All interventions do not work and rehab is not an automatic magic button. A strong program of AA (which requires a LOT) is available, cheap, and would be of less risk to his career.

very sincerely, dandylion

bless5

A strong program of AA (which requires a LOT) is available, cheap, and would be of less risk to his career.

My RAH did not do rehab. He goes to AA and went daily for several months, worked with a sponsor, still goes weekly, and now some months leads the meetings.

Hopeworks

I forced my XA into rehab... he actually detoxed 4 separate times and went into 5 separate residential treatment programs in a 4 year period. In hindsight there is no doubt in my mind that his rehab stints were strictly because he was forced and pressured and had not broken up with alcohol.

The closest he ever came to beating his alcoholism was when he was in authentic recovery in AA with a good sponsor working the 12 steps. I miss that man so very much because I believe he is the man that God created him to be... but sadly, he didn't want to be the man God created him to be... he wanted to drink.

He loves me desperately (as much as a selfish alcoholic can love) and all he does is talk about me as he gets sloshed in Vegas on a daily basis to whoever will listen... but he doesn't get sober.

And that is the reality. Getting them into rehab is just geography. Sitting in a meeting is just geography and fellowship... the real deal and recovery is within and starts with a decision to do whatever it takes.

If your A is not interested in recovery interventions and forced rehabs are not going to do the trick... it just irritates the A and delays the inevitable.

Having firsthand experience I believe AA is a better alternative than rehab in most cases and that is is 180 degrees from what I used to believe 6 years ago! Additionally, rehabs are not created equal and its hard to sort out which ones are decent and have a shot at helping your loved one.

With AA they control their recovery effort... in rehab they get woke up, get fed, get shuffled off to a circle meeting etc, etc, etc. In AA they have to make the effort to get to meetings, do the work, get a sponsor, do the steps, volunteer for service and if they are aren't doing it or doing something to get sober in some way... well, there is your answer!