Scary Big Day Today
My emotional baggage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Thanks everyone. I really do feel heartbroken for the first time since I left. I am not even really sure why. I left so long ago (one and a half years) and I have been feeling so strong lately, I think that is why I am so thrown for a loop. I feel myself coming undone at the seams but not really sure why so it makes it harder to pull myself back together.
I think I am sad for the lovely man I fell in love with. My STBXAH became a monster the last few years due to PTSD and drinking to deal with it. One thing he always was though was high functioning and gave a great appearance to outsiders and friends. He was always handsome and very concerned about how things (home, belongings) looked to everyone else. We were the Jones all our friends wanted to be like. So that it has progressed to the point were he has let the appearances fall and he has still not hit rock bottom is scary.
I am now doubly afraid to go back to court. I know in my heart that the chance is very very slim of the courts letting the boys go with him for a visit anytime soon but that sliver of chance scares me.
Ewww, I feel back at square one today. I know that in the next 24 hours or so I will start getting back to where I was but for now......the tears won't stop flowing.
4MyBoys
I think I am sad for the lovely man I fell in love with. My STBXAH became a monster the last few years due to PTSD and drinking to deal with it. One thing he always was though was high functioning and gave a great appearance to outsiders and friends. He was always handsome and very concerned about how things (home, belongings) looked to everyone else. We were the Jones all our friends wanted to be like. So that it has progressed to the point were he has let the appearances fall and he has still not hit rock bottom is scary.
I am now doubly afraid to go back to court. I know in my heart that the chance is very very slim of the courts letting the boys go with him for a visit anytime soon but that sliver of chance scares me.
Ewww, I feel back at square one today. I know that in the next 24 hours or so I will start getting back to where I was but for now......the tears won't stop flowing.
4MyBoys
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey, sorry it was so draining and difficult.
HOWEVER. I think the exercise accomplished a great deal. Not only did you accomplish what you went there to do, but other witnesses have now seen the deterioration that has been going on. Yes, it is sad, but it is important that this NOT be hidden any longer.
I think you are showing great strength--don't let the tears and sadness fool you. That isn't weakness. You went ahead THROUGH the pain and did what you needed to do. That takes guts. Olympic athletes have been known to shed tears as a result of great effort to achieve an important goal.
Give yourself a couple of days to process everything. One of the things I have learned in life that as trite as it sounds, getting through these challenges really DOES make us stronger. When the time comes for court you will be a stronger person than you were yesterday.
Massive hugs. You are going to get through this and be fine.
HOWEVER. I think the exercise accomplished a great deal. Not only did you accomplish what you went there to do, but other witnesses have now seen the deterioration that has been going on. Yes, it is sad, but it is important that this NOT be hidden any longer.
I think you are showing great strength--don't let the tears and sadness fool you. That isn't weakness. You went ahead THROUGH the pain and did what you needed to do. That takes guts. Olympic athletes have been known to shed tears as a result of great effort to achieve an important goal.
Give yourself a couple of days to process everything. One of the things I have learned in life that as trite as it sounds, getting through these challenges really DOES make us stronger. When the time comes for court you will be a stronger person than you were yesterday.
Massive hugs. You are going to get through this and be fine.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Big hugs to you.
You got through it. And nobody is stepping up to help because nobody CAN help. Any more than you could.
He will either pull himself out of this or he won't. And either way, sad as it is, you have your priorities right. Kids. You. Period.
You got through it. And nobody is stepping up to help because nobody CAN help. Any more than you could.
He will either pull himself out of this or he won't. And either way, sad as it is, you have your priorities right. Kids. You. Period.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by lillamy 
nobody is stepping up to help because nobody CAN help. Any more than you could.
We're all helpless in these situations.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Big hugs to you, dear! I cannot imagine what that must have been like, and luckily I remained in our home. Still, it had to be difficult to go back to your former home to see things run down. No matter how crappy and bad things wre, you still built a life with that man, and the good times are what I personally mourn. I keep telling myself that I've already been through the worst - the rest only makes me stronger, and YOU are an inspiration - very strong! You have stood your ground to a bully and put your children's needs first. There's nothing weak about that. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
You are such a great mom and so brave. It's totally to be expected that your emotions would be running over after being back in what was your home for so long... I don't know what to say other than that you are doing a great job, your boys are so lucky to have you and we are all here for you! xoxo
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Wow. I think give yourself a little time, and you will see that hard as it is now with so much fresh emotion, it was good to see what has happened. It is information you need in your forward-moving and growing journey.
My STBX had the house to himself last year. We were still 'together' but he was mostlt in our family home and I was on this side of the pond with the children.
I returned, jet-lagged with the children, last summer. Five foot high weeds next to the front door. My beautiful gardens? Not much left except a few brave perennials peeking through the wreckage. Rain coming in theough the roof, leaving water damage on the living room wide pine flooring. Put a bucket there? Why bother? It's only the middle of the floor. Bricks falling off the chimney. Yep, left just where they'd fallen. All over the deck and lawn.
He told me not to go into the basement. I stayed a month, and guess what? I didn't go down there once. Fraid of what I might find, I suppose.
Days upon iur return after a year away, AH was binge drinking, strange women called the house, he drove drunk with iur child in the passenger seat.
Oh yeah. The cat had a tumor over her eye. He hadn't seemed to notice.
And the family mini van he'd been driving all year? I was driving it with all 4 kids inside when it turns out - the brakes are gone.
It was awful and SCARY. I was afraid of what might be in the house. I didn't know my own husband.
But it was very good information to have. And good to remind myself why I left. And why you left, too.
It isn't what anyone would want. But if the house were looking good, and he was healthy - everything else would probably be different, too.
Take very good care of yourself!
My STBX had the house to himself last year. We were still 'together' but he was mostlt in our family home and I was on this side of the pond with the children.
I returned, jet-lagged with the children, last summer. Five foot high weeds next to the front door. My beautiful gardens? Not much left except a few brave perennials peeking through the wreckage. Rain coming in theough the roof, leaving water damage on the living room wide pine flooring. Put a bucket there? Why bother? It's only the middle of the floor. Bricks falling off the chimney. Yep, left just where they'd fallen. All over the deck and lawn.
He told me not to go into the basement. I stayed a month, and guess what? I didn't go down there once. Fraid of what I might find, I suppose.
Days upon iur return after a year away, AH was binge drinking, strange women called the house, he drove drunk with iur child in the passenger seat.
Oh yeah. The cat had a tumor over her eye. He hadn't seemed to notice.
And the family mini van he'd been driving all year? I was driving it with all 4 kids inside when it turns out - the brakes are gone.
It was awful and SCARY. I was afraid of what might be in the house. I didn't know my own husband.
But it was very good information to have. And good to remind myself why I left. And why you left, too.
It isn't what anyone would want. But if the house were looking good, and he was healthy - everything else would probably be different, too.
Take very good care of yourself!
My emotional baggage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Thank you everyone. I am already feeling better today. I reached out to a friend who is now the head of our Employee Assistance Program here at work. He is a councelor who understands addiction first hand, and is one of the kindest people I know. He just called an said he is going to come by work today and he is going to take me for a walk. I also have my regular councelor appt tomorrow, so I feel back to functioning at about 80% and think I will be going full steam ahead very soon.
What I think really turned it around for me was last night with my kids. I wanted to make sure they felt ok, they really pick up on my emotions. So during bath time I made up a very silly song were all the singing was done by goats and sheep. By the time I threw in a cow my 5 year old and I were almost peeing out pants. It was a true primal laughing where you are doubled over and crying and laughing and cant stop. This is why I fight so hard and wade through the ugliness. For them. We never laughed like that before I left. I have every hope that I will laugh like this with my boys for the rest of our lives.
Thank you for all your support.
4MyBoys
What I think really turned it around for me was last night with my kids. I wanted to make sure they felt ok, they really pick up on my emotions. So during bath time I made up a very silly song were all the singing was done by goats and sheep. By the time I threw in a cow my 5 year old and I were almost peeing out pants. It was a true primal laughing where you are doubled over and crying and laughing and cant stop. This is why I fight so hard and wade through the ugliness. For them. We never laughed like that before I left. I have every hope that I will laugh like this with my boys for the rest of our lives.
Thank you for all your support.
4MyBoys
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