Can I notify employer of parent’s alcoholism and abusive actions at home
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Join Date: May 2013
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Can I notify employer of parent’s alcoholism and abusive actions at home
This may not appear to be very supportive, but does anyone have experiences with legal ramifications for informing an employer of a parent's alcoholism and abusive tendencies in a marriage (angry drunk).
Public safety is a concern. If drinking while on the job (which has happened), he puts people in danger.
Thoughts / feedback?
Thanks
Public safety is a concern. If drinking while on the job (which has happened), he puts people in danger.
Thoughts / feedback?
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
this could get someone fired
thus
no food or housing for the entire family
if you happen to attend a school
can we start with talking with a counselor ??
there will be much feedback coming in regarding this thread
please
take your time and use much discernment
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 70
I agree with onehigherpower - the ramifications from this could be very severe.
When I'm in a situation like this, I always try to stop and think about who's interests I'm serving:
1. Mine - in which case, I probably shouldn't be going ahead with the plan. When I'm self-serving and self-interested at the expense of others, and there's no 'benefit' for me, I'm not acting for the right reasons.
2. The A - in which case, I shouldn't be going ahead either. Their messes and issues are their own to clean up and deal with, not anyone else's. they need to take responsibility for what they've done.
3. Someone vulnerable (e.g. a child in the A's care) - in which case it may (only may) be OK to intervene. But - I need to consider if there's a less invasive method of doing so - and if it is my place to be doing so, or should it be someone else (e.g. CPS).
I'm curious - what line of work is the A in? If it's something like operating heavy machinery, healthcare (where they're responsible for someone's life), etc. then perhaps some kind of intervention is warranted. But - I'd always err on the side of caution - an select the least invasive means first, rather than going straight to the top. Remember that once you've done an action, it can't be undone.
The AlAnon slogan 'Think Think Think' rings true here - IMHO.
When I'm in a situation like this, I always try to stop and think about who's interests I'm serving:
1. Mine - in which case, I probably shouldn't be going ahead with the plan. When I'm self-serving and self-interested at the expense of others, and there's no 'benefit' for me, I'm not acting for the right reasons.
2. The A - in which case, I shouldn't be going ahead either. Their messes and issues are their own to clean up and deal with, not anyone else's. they need to take responsibility for what they've done.
3. Someone vulnerable (e.g. a child in the A's care) - in which case it may (only may) be OK to intervene. But - I need to consider if there's a less invasive method of doing so - and if it is my place to be doing so, or should it be someone else (e.g. CPS).
I'm curious - what line of work is the A in? If it's something like operating heavy machinery, healthcare (where they're responsible for someone's life), etc. then perhaps some kind of intervention is warranted. But - I'd always err on the side of caution - an select the least invasive means first, rather than going straight to the top. Remember that once you've done an action, it can't be undone.
The AlAnon slogan 'Think Think Think' rings true here - IMHO.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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Posts: 4,822
I suggest you play the tape forward.
If you follow through on informing the employer of an adult alcoholic parent, what do you hope will be the positive outcome?
BUT
If you follow through on informing the employer of an adult alcoholic parent, what are the possible negative outcomes?
A few negative outcomes may be you are alienated from your parents as they refuse to have contact with you after getting involved.
Or, your parent becomes unemployed and unable to support the family.
Or the amount of income from job loss is never regained in this economy.
Or instead of looking like a well meaning person expressing concerns, you end up looking like a resentful, controlling, angry, child throwing a tantrum.
If you follow through on informing the employer of an adult alcoholic parent, what do you hope will be the positive outcome?
BUT
If you follow through on informing the employer of an adult alcoholic parent, what are the possible negative outcomes?
A few negative outcomes may be you are alienated from your parents as they refuse to have contact with you after getting involved.
Or, your parent becomes unemployed and unable to support the family.
Or the amount of income from job loss is never regained in this economy.
Or instead of looking like a well meaning person expressing concerns, you end up looking like a resentful, controlling, angry, child throwing a tantrum.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by onehigherpower 
this could get someone fired
thus
no food or housing for the entire family
if you happen to attend a school
can we start with talking with a counselor ??
there will be much feedback coming in regarding this thread
please
take your time and use much discernment
Yes, it could get the parent fired. I've thought through it and am willing to and able to support the family as needed. If losing the job protects others, it is a cost that may be justified. Additionally, the parent involved has a commute from work. Typically, drinking does not occur prior to the job, but does (from time to time) occur during the last hour and prior to making the commute home.
The individual works for the airlines (not a pilot, but a part of the on-board crew). There may be an inherent duty, on my part, to remove the individual from a situation that may endanger others.
My main concern is legal ramifications should I choose to follow this path. I can deal with the money, I can deal with the rough times ahead, and I can deal with the family member. I do not want to have legal kick-back compound the issues on the path forward.
We all know that an alcoholic that has fallen into generating an abusive marriage can lash out on their way down to rock bottom when tough decisions are made on their behalf. They can employ the legal system right back on the person making an attempt to leave the abuse / relationship / situation. I would rather know what battles may be on the horizon - wish for the best and plan for the worst.
It doesn't mean giving up on the individual. That is a long road to victory, but I will be prepared for what may come.
Thanks again,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Employee Assistance Programs
if after much study
we decide to bring matters to the jobsite
the (((((first place))))) in which to go would be -- if offered
the Employee Assistance Program
things shared with EAP are supposed to be kept confidential
in most all cases EAP programs are only there to help ones in need
not only the employee
but also
the families of said employee
I have had several dealings with different EPA's in the past
and
I have found very caring and thoughtful people working there
and
yes they have counselors available for employee and family members
we decide to bring matters to the jobsite
the (((((first place))))) in which to go would be -- if offered
the Employee Assistance Program
things shared with EAP are supposed to be kept confidential
in most all cases EAP programs are only there to help ones in need
not only the employee
but also
the families of said employee
I have had several dealings with different EPA's in the past
and
I have found very caring and thoughtful people working there
and
yes they have counselors available for employee and family members
Essential Components of an EAP
An EAP or Employee Assistance Programs is comprised of various essential components which determine the effectiveness of the support offered. In many cases, these programs are also aimed at providing support to the family members of the employees. Typical components that employee assistance programs will include are as follows.
Drug/ Alcohol Rehabilitation
Household Abuse
Financial Advice
Career Planning Assistance
Housing and Relocation Support
Healthcare Services
Legal Assistance
Retirement Planning
Loss of Loved Ones
Workplace Stress Management
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by kasie
3. Someone vulnerable (e.g. a child in the A's care) - in which case it may (only may) be OK to intervene. But - I need to consider if there's a less invasive method of doing so - and if it is my place to be doing so, or should it be someone else (e.g. CPS).
I'm curious - what line of work is the A in? If it's something like operating heavy machinery, healthcare (where they're responsible for someone's life), etc. then perhaps some kind of intervention is warranted. But - I'd always err on the side of caution - an select the least invasive means first, rather than going straight to the top. Remember that once you've done an action, it can't be undone.
The AlAnon slogan 'Think Think Think' rings true here - IMHO.
I thought we may approach the A and put parameters on his choices and/or provide alternative options. It is the abuse (mainly verbal, but physical has happened long ago - never far from the mind) that concerns me.
I have remained supportive, but I feel that it may be time to set some rules.
My idea is to mitigate the negative aspects. Should the A choose to drink, it will not be at work or at home. If the A is at a hotel, then the A's abusive side stays out of the home and away from the other parent... until we can continue our efforts to help or at least support.
Should the A fail this, I would like to lay out the ramifications of the choice. It would include the A forcing my hand to take a more direct approach to ensure the safety of the other parent, along with people that the A also puts in danger.
Talk about invasive... as I write this, even I see that it is a resolute action that would forever change the family. It may be 'heavy handed', but isn't there a time to take things to the next level?
Anyway, thanks again to everyone here. I have held back for so long and it is not in my nature. I battle by nature and just feel that it may be time to draw the line in the sand. If 'this', then 'this'...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by onehigherpower
[CENTER]if after much study
we decide to bring matters to the jobsite
the (((((first place))))) in which to go would be -- if offered
the Employee Assistance Program
we decide to bring matters to the jobsite
the (((((first place))))) in which to go would be -- if offered
the Employee Assistance Program
However, in the A's defense, it may be worth a shot. I don't think the A really took it to heart and wasn't fully invested in it.
Giving it a second try would be less invasive and would leave options on the table, as another wrote, that may be exhausted prior to engaging on all fronts.
I'll marinate on that. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
blow it once and you are gone
Originally Posted by bajabob
The A has been down that road. We did that the first time things got really bad.
oh we didn't know that
well one thing for sure
second time around with EAP
and
they are not as sweet and caring while dealing with the drunk
get's a lot closer to what we call "tough love"
if a third time comes around it is usually close to termination time
there is what is known in the EAP system as the
"last chance agreement"
once an employee enters into that promised agreement
blow it once and you are gone
well one thing for sure
second time around with EAP
and
they are not as sweet and caring while dealing with the drunk
get's a lot closer to what we call "tough love"
if a third time comes around it is usually close to termination time
there is what is known in the EAP system as the
"last chance agreement"
once an employee enters into that promised agreement
blow it once and you are gone
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by bajabob
It may be 'heavy handed', but isn't there a time to take things to the next level?
Even adults who make very poor choices have rights in this country. Until they get on the wrong side of our laws, that is.
I understand you are trying to force an outcome here, but I think its a terrible idea to notify the employer under the guise of public safety. I would simply suggest, if you feel a sense of responsibility to public safety, to call the police and report the car/license plate number if you KNOW your A is driving around drunk. And let your A deal with their job themselves.
Set boundaries for yourself that control your own life/space. If you can't be around this person while they are drunk, don't. If you can't allow them at family functions because they are drunk, don't. If you won't bail them out/loan them money when they blow up their own life, don't. Those are boundaries.
Sometimes we just have to let people find their own way. Even when its miserable to watch the destruction happening. FOr most, this is the only way they learn.
Peace,
~T
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I don't know if there is ever a time to step in to a grown person's life and "take things to the next level", especially when chances are highly likely they will do that themselves along their path of self-destruction.
Even adults who make very poor choices have rights in this country.
Even adults who make very poor choices have rights in this country.
Set boundaries for yourself that control your own life/space. If you can't be around this person while they are drunk, don't. If you can't allow them at family functions because they are drunk, don't. If you won't bail them out/loan them money when they blow up their own life, don't. Those are boundaries.
Sometimes we just have to let people find their own way. Even when its miserable to watch the destruction happening. FOr most, this is the only way they learn.
Sometimes we just have to let people find their own way. Even when its miserable to watch the destruction happening. FOr most, this is the only way they learn.
You can control your own life. You can't control the alcoholic or their employer. Unhappy with life as support system and secretary to an alcoholic? Resign from the job.
Who is "the A" to you? A spouse? Parent? Friend? More details would be more helpful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by onehigherpower
oh we didn't know that
well one thing for sure
second time around with EAP
and
they are not as sweet and caring while dealing with the drunk
get's a lot closer to what we call "tough love"
if a third time comes around it is usually close to termination time
there is what is known in the EAP system as the
"last chance agreement"
once an employee enters into that promised agreement
blow it once and you are gone
well one thing for sure
second time around with EAP
and
they are not as sweet and caring while dealing with the drunk
get's a lot closer to what we call "tough love"
if a third time comes around it is usually close to termination time
there is what is known in the EAP system as the
"last chance agreement"
once an employee enters into that promised agreement
blow it once and you are gone
Thanks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
I don't know if there is ever a time to step in to a grown person's life and "take things to the next level", especially when chances are highly likely they will do that themselves along their path of self-destruction.
Even adults who make very poor choices have rights in this country. Until they get on the wrong side of our laws, that is.
I understand you are trying to force an outcome here, but I think its a terrible idea to notify the employer under the guise of public safety. I would simply suggest, if you feel a sense of responsibility to public safety, to call the police and report the car/license plate number if you KNOW your A is driving around drunk. And let your A deal with their job themselves.
Set boundaries for yourself that control your own life/space. If you can't be around this person while they are drunk, don't. If you can't allow them at family functions because they are drunk, don't. If you won't bail them out/loan them money when they blow up their own life, don't. Those are boundaries.
Sometimes we just have to let people find their own way. Even when its miserable to watch the destruction happening. FOr most, this is the only way they learn.
Peace,
~T
Even adults who make very poor choices have rights in this country. Until they get on the wrong side of our laws, that is.
I understand you are trying to force an outcome here, but I think its a terrible idea to notify the employer under the guise of public safety. I would simply suggest, if you feel a sense of responsibility to public safety, to call the police and report the car/license plate number if you KNOW your A is driving around drunk. And let your A deal with their job themselves.
Set boundaries for yourself that control your own life/space. If you can't be around this person while they are drunk, don't. If you can't allow them at family functions because they are drunk, don't. If you won't bail them out/loan them money when they blow up their own life, don't. Those are boundaries.
Sometimes we just have to let people find their own way. Even when its miserable to watch the destruction happening. FOr most, this is the only way they learn.
Peace,
~T
My boundaries are inherently linked to the other parent in the abusive relationship. It may be the exhaustion, fear, worry, and (admittedly) resentment speaking, but sometimes we have to escort people to their path of self-destruction to protect others. They learn that was as well.
I guess, now that I put more thought into it, I am less concerned with helping the A as much as I am about protecting the other parent. This does sadden me, but it is what it is.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by bajabob
sometimes we have to escort people to their path of self-destruction to protect others. They learn that was as well.
Here's why: when people we love are self destructing, we can offer them support and compassion. They are hurting, too. And I know its not easy to do this, but put yourself in this person's shoes for a moment. Do you think they like being out-of-control? Being driven by compulsions even they don't really understand? Do you know what its like to be an addict?
We don't need to "lead" anyone to their bottom. And I would imagine, based on what you have written already, that you'd not be terribly receptive if someone tried to do the same to you.
From what I know about alcoholism, the most successful strategies are the ones that allow the alcoholics to retain their dignity and free will to choose their own path. Even when we loved ones don't like or agree with those choices.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If I am reading this correctly – you know someone who drinks and has tendencies in HIS MARRIAGE to become angry and abusive………and you want his employer to do something about it?????? What is the wife doing about it?
You state a public safety concern – has this person been abusive or an angry drunk at work?
If I have this correctly this person is doing what he does on his own time in his own marriage and you are assuming it will one day happen at work so you are taking CHARGE of what YOU PRESUME to be HIS ISSUES…..is that correct?????
You state a public safety concern – has this person been abusive or an angry drunk at work?
I thought we may approach the A and put parameters on his choices and/or provide alternative options. It is the abuse (mainly verbal, but physical has happened long ago - never far from the mind) that concerns me.
I have remained supportive, but I feel that it may be time to set some rules.
My idea is to mitigate the negative aspects. Should the A choose to drink, it will not be at work or at home. If the A is at a hotel, then the A's abusive side stays out of the home and away from the other parent... until we can continue our efforts to help or at least support.
Should the A fail this, I would like to lay out the ramifications of the choice. It would include the A forcing my hand to take a more direct approach to ensure the safety of the other parent, along with people that the A also puts in danger.
I have remained supportive, but I feel that it may be time to set some rules.
My idea is to mitigate the negative aspects. Should the A choose to drink, it will not be at work or at home. If the A is at a hotel, then the A's abusive side stays out of the home and away from the other parent... until we can continue our efforts to help or at least support.
Should the A fail this, I would like to lay out the ramifications of the choice. It would include the A forcing my hand to take a more direct approach to ensure the safety of the other parent, along with people that the A also puts in danger.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Florence
Yep. I firmly believe that unless there are direct, provable safety issues (like being directly, solely responsible for a dependent child; driving people around, etc) the alcoholic needs to suffer the DIRECT, natural consequences of their actions.
^^^ This.
You can control your own life. You can't control the alcoholic or their employer. Unhappy with life as support system and secretary to an alcoholic? Resign from the job.
Who is "the A" to you? A spouse? Parent? Friend? More details would be more helpful.
^^^ This.
You can control your own life. You can't control the alcoholic or their employer. Unhappy with life as support system and secretary to an alcoholic? Resign from the job.
Who is "the A" to you? A spouse? Parent? Friend? More details would be more helpful.
I'm not unhappy with life as a support system. I am not a secretary to an alcoholic. There is no need to be condescending and tell me to 'resign'.
My job / role is that of a son who is watching a disease take one parent and turn them into a direct threat to another... legally, physically, mentally... The other parent has been the support system and subject of abuse and they performed this 'job' admirably and patiently.
I am simply reaching out to others that have gone through similar experiences so that I may possibly get a fresh look at the issue. I feel that it is escallating and am trying to take action to mitigate the blow-out, should it go sideways.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I have debated weighing in on this because frankly I am ashamed of actions I took under the guise (and I was sincere in thinking I might be able to help) of helping my then AH (he is now my XAH).
My AH spent many nights over many years going to work (he teaches at a high school) and drinking in his classroom. He rationalized that he was not driving that way (never mind that he drove there and back after drinking) and wasn't at a bar spending money and that he was hurting no one but himself. On more than a few occassions he passed out there- in his classroom- at night and woke up in the morning. I was PETRIFIED he'd be caught, lose his job, embarass us etc...
In the winter of 2010 was the first time he ever physically hurt me. I called the police. He was arrested at work. His boss called me to say I should let AH know his job was safe and to let him know they were all pulling for him (this, knowing he assaulted me and there was a RO).
I took that call as a sign that people cared about him and after talking to my brother (who teaches in the same dept as AH) I emailed one of AH's friends in the department (and to make this stickier, a man who I had had as a teacher in high school myself and had always admired). I wrote and said that I was concerned for AH and thought that perhaps he (the friend) and my brother (who offered) could talk to AH and encourage him to get help....
Initially I got a pleasant response and believed that this friend of AH's had his best interest in mind. In a matter of weeks my brother had been alienated in the dept by AH and this mutual friend of theirs and I got a SCATHING email from AH's friend telling me that I needed help, that AH was a stand up guy, that I drove him to drink etc... and he was as nasty to me as AH with the things he said.
For the years after that that I stayed with AH he NEVER let me live that down. The way he saw it was that I involved his colleagues, tried to get him to lose his job (actually I wanted to protect his job), and he happily reported (and probably still would if I gave him the time of day) that all my actions did was make me look pathetic and crazy (he's right).
It's hurting me to write this and I feel like crying as I think about this bc I have tried to just shove it out of mind. MANY relationships I had with people in the school he works in ended bc of this-- when an A feels their love (booze) is under attack they take no prisoners. AH's reaction to my asking friends to help was to slander me, spread rumors, compare me to my insane mother (who the town knows well and who was a nightmare to the school when I was a student there bc she could not get along with anyone).
No matter how well intentioned you are, trying to involve others to try and help an A will without a doubt result in harm coming to you.
My reaching out to his colleagues has caused irreperable harm to me. I can't even imagine my kids attending that school because I will have no credibility if the same admin and teachers are there.... AH's mission is to isolate me and make the town see me as nuts bc that preserves his image as a great guy. And by my involving others in his business, that gave him free reign to tear me down in order to make himself look better.
Please heed my story and even though I am sure you are well intentioned, just ask yourself if YOU are willing to suffer for trying to get help for your loved one who is an A.
I wish I had had the wherewithall to ask about what I was planning to do before I did it and had listened to advice I might have received.
My AH spent many nights over many years going to work (he teaches at a high school) and drinking in his classroom. He rationalized that he was not driving that way (never mind that he drove there and back after drinking) and wasn't at a bar spending money and that he was hurting no one but himself. On more than a few occassions he passed out there- in his classroom- at night and woke up in the morning. I was PETRIFIED he'd be caught, lose his job, embarass us etc...
In the winter of 2010 was the first time he ever physically hurt me. I called the police. He was arrested at work. His boss called me to say I should let AH know his job was safe and to let him know they were all pulling for him (this, knowing he assaulted me and there was a RO).
I took that call as a sign that people cared about him and after talking to my brother (who teaches in the same dept as AH) I emailed one of AH's friends in the department (and to make this stickier, a man who I had had as a teacher in high school myself and had always admired). I wrote and said that I was concerned for AH and thought that perhaps he (the friend) and my brother (who offered) could talk to AH and encourage him to get help....
Initially I got a pleasant response and believed that this friend of AH's had his best interest in mind. In a matter of weeks my brother had been alienated in the dept by AH and this mutual friend of theirs and I got a SCATHING email from AH's friend telling me that I needed help, that AH was a stand up guy, that I drove him to drink etc... and he was as nasty to me as AH with the things he said.
For the years after that that I stayed with AH he NEVER let me live that down. The way he saw it was that I involved his colleagues, tried to get him to lose his job (actually I wanted to protect his job), and he happily reported (and probably still would if I gave him the time of day) that all my actions did was make me look pathetic and crazy (he's right).
It's hurting me to write this and I feel like crying as I think about this bc I have tried to just shove it out of mind. MANY relationships I had with people in the school he works in ended bc of this-- when an A feels their love (booze) is under attack they take no prisoners. AH's reaction to my asking friends to help was to slander me, spread rumors, compare me to my insane mother (who the town knows well and who was a nightmare to the school when I was a student there bc she could not get along with anyone).
No matter how well intentioned you are, trying to involve others to try and help an A will without a doubt result in harm coming to you.
My reaching out to his colleagues has caused irreperable harm to me. I can't even imagine my kids attending that school because I will have no credibility if the same admin and teachers are there.... AH's mission is to isolate me and make the town see me as nuts bc that preserves his image as a great guy. And by my involving others in his business, that gave him free reign to tear me down in order to make himself look better.
Please heed my story and even though I am sure you are well intentioned, just ask yourself if YOU are willing to suffer for trying to get help for your loved one who is an A.
I wish I had had the wherewithall to ask about what I was planning to do before I did it and had listened to advice I might have received.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
I respectfully disagree with this ^^^.
Here's why: when people we love are self destructing, we can offer them support and compassion. They are hurting, too. And I know its not easy to do this, but put yourself in this person's shoes for a moment. Do you think they like being out-of-control? Being driven by compulsions even they don't really understand? Do you know what its like to be an addict?
We don't need to "lead" anyone to their bottom. And I would imagine, based on what you have written already, that you'd not be terribly receptive if someone tried to do the same to you.
From what I know about alcoholism, the most successful strategies are the ones that allow the alcoholics to retain their dignity and free will to choose their own path. Even when we loved ones don't like or agree with those choices.
Here's why: when people we love are self destructing, we can offer them support and compassion. They are hurting, too. And I know its not easy to do this, but put yourself in this person's shoes for a moment. Do you think they like being out-of-control? Being driven by compulsions even they don't really understand? Do you know what its like to be an addict?
We don't need to "lead" anyone to their bottom. And I would imagine, based on what you have written already, that you'd not be terribly receptive if someone tried to do the same to you.
From what I know about alcoholism, the most successful strategies are the ones that allow the alcoholics to retain their dignity and free will to choose their own path. Even when we loved ones don't like or agree with those choices.
I do know what it is like to be an addict, yes. I had to lose all dignity and freedom before I could clearly see the path to get better. Then, I had to decide to take it.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by bajabob
Parent and a senior member of the cabin crew for a major airline (international flights), to answer your question.
I'm not unhappy with life as a support system. I am not a secretary to an alcoholic. There is no need to be condescending and tell me to 'resign'.
My job / role is that of a son who is watching a disease take one parent and turn them into a direct threat to another... legally, physically, mentally... The other parent has been the support system and subject of abuse and they performed this 'job' admirably and patiently.
I am simply reaching out to others that have gone through similar experiences so that I may possibly get a fresh look at the issue. I feel that it is escallating and am trying to take action to mitigate the blow-out, should it go sideways.
I'm not unhappy with life as a support system. I am not a secretary to an alcoholic. There is no need to be condescending and tell me to 'resign'.
My job / role is that of a son who is watching a disease take one parent and turn them into a direct threat to another... legally, physically, mentally... The other parent has been the support system and subject of abuse and they performed this 'job' admirably and patiently.
I am simply reaching out to others that have gone through similar experiences so that I may possibly get a fresh look at the issue. I feel that it is escallating and am trying to take action to mitigate the blow-out, should it go sideways.
If your parent is flying planes drunk and you know that you sure do have a good reason to say something. You can do it anonymously I am sure.
If you aren't sure I would not say anything (though the plane thing really scares me) and I would probably focus my energy on the non abusive/alcoholic parent and offer support to help that person leave the toxic environment...
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
"My job / role is that of a son who is watching a disease take one parent and turn them into a direct threat to another... legally, physically, mentally... The other parent has been the support system and subject of abuse and they performed this 'job' admirably and patiently."
I think that your response quoted above should show you that contacting his employer is inappropriate.
It is clear that your concern is for the parent and not public safety. Getting someone fired because of what the person does in his or her PERSONAL life is controlling and completely out of line. Reporting someone who you THINK might have a couple drinks at the end of his shift is just wrong. Also, if he was getting completely drunk and was the person flying the plane, then sure that would be a public safety issue but even then you would not bring in the abuse at home.
To be honest, it seems like you are bitter/mad and you are trying to punish him. You cannot start forcing someone's life to fall apart in order to "help" the person get to his or her bottom.
Do you go to meetings or personal counseling for yourself? Instead of focusing on the A in your life it would be more beneficial to work on letting go and accepting that you cannot control other people and that every adult is allowed to life his or her life as he or she feels fit.
I think that your response quoted above should show you that contacting his employer is inappropriate.
It is clear that your concern is for the parent and not public safety. Getting someone fired because of what the person does in his or her PERSONAL life is controlling and completely out of line. Reporting someone who you THINK might have a couple drinks at the end of his shift is just wrong. Also, if he was getting completely drunk and was the person flying the plane, then sure that would be a public safety issue but even then you would not bring in the abuse at home.
To be honest, it seems like you are bitter/mad and you are trying to punish him. You cannot start forcing someone's life to fall apart in order to "help" the person get to his or her bottom.
Do you go to meetings or personal counseling for yourself? Instead of focusing on the A in your life it would be more beneficial to work on letting go and accepting that you cannot control other people and that every adult is allowed to life his or her life as he or she feels fit.
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