Wow. I think give yourself a little time, and you will see that hard as it is now with so much fresh emotion, it was good to see what has happened. It is information you need in your forward-moving and growing journey.
My STBX had the house to himself last year. We were still 'together' but he was mostlt in our family home and I was on this side of the pond with the children.
I returned, jet-lagged with the children, last summer. Five foot high weeds next to the front door. My beautiful gardens? Not much left except a few brave perennials peeking through the wreckage. Rain coming in theough the roof, leaving water damage on the living room wide pine flooring. Put a bucket there? Why bother? It's only the middle of the floor. Bricks falling off the chimney. Yep, left just where they'd fallen. All over the deck and lawn.
He told me not to go into the basement. I stayed a month, and guess what? I didn't go down there once. Fraid of what I might find, I suppose.
Days upon iur return after a year away, AH was binge drinking, strange women called the house, he drove drunk with iur child in the passenger seat.
Oh yeah. The cat had a tumor over her eye. He hadn't seemed to notice.
And the family mini van he'd been driving all year? I was driving it with all 4 kids inside when it turns out - the brakes are gone.
It was awful and SCARY. I was afraid of what might be in the house. I didn't know my own husband.
But it was very good information to have. And good to remind myself why I left. And why you left, too.
It isn't what anyone would want. But if the house were looking good, and he was healthy - everything else would probably be different, too.
Take very good care of yourself!