I served him with divorce papers and he declared war.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Great Lakes
Posts: 84
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I'm sorry, but the thought of his "explaining" the divorce to an 18-month old made me laugh. Even the three-and-a-half-y/o isn't going to understand much of anything right now. Just make sure the kids get lots of love and attention and reassurance. I don't think at this age there is much risk of his alienating them, and you can see how his overall behavior is in the coming months.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Wow Arch, sorry you had to go through that craziness. I guess if he had responded by saying, "I had no idea you were upset, thank you for talking to me about it. Let's go to counseling, I'll go to treatment, and we'll put this marriage/family back together" THAT would have been shocking. His conversation with you was CLASSIC ROCK SOLID "A" talk. I heard the same stuff when I was planning to leave my A. I was the enemy, the problem, the bad guy, he was going to tell everybody, I was getting nothing, etc etc etc.
FWIW I wouldn't say anything further. No need. You told him where you stand, he now knows. You can have 10 more conversations, they're all going to be exactly like this one. Detach, and move forward. He will do his best to push your buttons and get you to engage, don't let him. You know what you're doing. (((hugs)))
FWIW I wouldn't say anything further. No need. You told him where you stand, he now knows. You can have 10 more conversations, they're all going to be exactly like this one. Detach, and move forward. He will do his best to push your buttons and get you to engage, don't let him. You know what you're doing. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western PA
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Hey, Arch,
Just remember, you're not only dealing with an alcoholic, but one who is (a) a lawyer and, hence, even more wired than your average drunk to the concept of "doing battle," and (b) a man who, all protestations to the contrary notwithstanding, is probably feeling very defensive because YOU are the one with the legal career.
Realistically? My bet is that well over half of what you are seeing is posturing. I got a lot of "demands" from my second husband when we divorced, and my last S.O. when we split up and sold the property we owned together (he wasn't an alcoholic, but he was prone to making all kinds of pronouncements about what he was going to "do to" his ex-wife, his ex-business partner, etc., in court, but he never followed through with a damn bit of it). Neither one of them lifted a finger when push came to shove.
Now, YOU know your husband much better than we do, but I wouldn't necessarily go hitting the panic button just yet. Remember, even though he should have seen this coming for miles and miles, he has just been hit with the news. I remember that my very calm, reasonable (and sober) ex husband threw things across the room when I told him I wanted a divorce. He never made threats, but he certainly was over-the-top in terms of his emotional reaction--considering what his personality is normally like. He did calm down and process things over the next several months (using his AA friends and a professional therapist).
Now, your husband probably will not run off to AA or to a therapist for help, but he still may calm down as he gets used to the idea. It's very tough to judge what the overall process will be like based upon that first emotional reaction.
My suggestion is that you do your best to just continue to behave reasonably, and maybe behave as if HE WILL behave reasonably. Or much more reasonably than he is right now.
You have good resources to help you. He most likely does not.
I'm sorry, but the thought of his "explaining" the divorce to an 18-month old made me laugh. Even the three-and-a-half-y/o isn't going to understand much of anything right now. Just make sure the kids get lots of love and attention and reassurance. I don't think at this age there is much risk of his alienating them, and you can see how his overall behavior is in the coming months.
I'm not suggesting you might not wind up with a "war" on your hands--I just think it may not be as dramatic as he is making it sound right now. Give it a little time before you worry too much about what will happen.
Hugs, I think you are doing the right thing at this point.
Just remember, you're not only dealing with an alcoholic, but one who is (a) a lawyer and, hence, even more wired than your average drunk to the concept of "doing battle," and (b) a man who, all protestations to the contrary notwithstanding, is probably feeling very defensive because YOU are the one with the legal career.
Realistically? My bet is that well over half of what you are seeing is posturing. I got a lot of "demands" from my second husband when we divorced, and my last S.O. when we split up and sold the property we owned together (he wasn't an alcoholic, but he was prone to making all kinds of pronouncements about what he was going to "do to" his ex-wife, his ex-business partner, etc., in court, but he never followed through with a damn bit of it). Neither one of them lifted a finger when push came to shove.
Now, YOU know your husband much better than we do, but I wouldn't necessarily go hitting the panic button just yet. Remember, even though he should have seen this coming for miles and miles, he has just been hit with the news. I remember that my very calm, reasonable (and sober) ex husband threw things across the room when I told him I wanted a divorce. He never made threats, but he certainly was over-the-top in terms of his emotional reaction--considering what his personality is normally like. He did calm down and process things over the next several months (using his AA friends and a professional therapist).
Now, your husband probably will not run off to AA or to a therapist for help, but he still may calm down as he gets used to the idea. It's very tough to judge what the overall process will be like based upon that first emotional reaction.
My suggestion is that you do your best to just continue to behave reasonably, and maybe behave as if HE WILL behave reasonably. Or much more reasonably than he is right now.
You have good resources to help you. He most likely does not.
I'm sorry, but the thought of his "explaining" the divorce to an 18-month old made me laugh. Even the three-and-a-half-y/o isn't going to understand much of anything right now. Just make sure the kids get lots of love and attention and reassurance. I don't think at this age there is much risk of his alienating them, and you can see how his overall behavior is in the coming months.
I'm not suggesting you might not wind up with a "war" on your hands--I just think it may not be as dramatic as he is making it sound right now. Give it a little time before you worry too much about what will happen.
Hugs, I think you are doing the right thing at this point.
It helps me to think of this as posturing and I do hope he calms down. I think that reasonable behavior on my part is to do what I do when my three year-old has a tantrum - I ignore him. No eye contact. When he returns to acting nicely he gets a big smile and engagement. But, I am not going to pursue him trying to talk reasonably. When he is ready for that, he will come to me. Or he will just continue throwing a fit.
So. Today I got an email from our online bank account. Someone changed the password on my account. The person doing it had all my information, social security number, answers to security questions. I find a transfer scheduled for many, many thousands of dollars. I had been warned by everyone to change the bank accounts myself before I filed, but I guess I just wanted to believe that he would not do anything crazy. And, I suppose I get where he is coming from. He is scared. I make all the money - so he wanted funds. But it scared me, because neither of us have ever done something like that before with our money. And I was so clear with him that I was not out to get him or hurt him. He should have sat down with me and come up with a plan.
So, I cancelled the transfer and emptied the account into an account in my name only. That was an online account. I then went to our bank and opened a new checking account and am having my payroll switched to that account. I have to reset up all the automatic debits. It appears he changed the password on the credit card we use for monthly expenditures as well. That is in my name only, so I removed him from the account and cancelled his card.
I will still pay all of the bills, including his. I just can't have him threatening my ability to do so. I left a reasonable amount in the joint checking and he has his own credit card he can use.
I think I am going to just not say anything about it to him.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western PA
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by Bluegalangal
Yeah, they aren't going to get much except "Mommy and Daddy aren't living together any more" and the older they get, if he's still nasty crazy, the more they'll see through him. It's rough on them, and you, but kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for, and they've got the plus of a sane, stable adult, and loving grandparents, in their life for an anchor.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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You could also assure him that you will provide him with monthly statements on your new account so he can see that YOU are not hiding or disposing of assets. That is, if he questions your actions and motives. Tell him you are preserving EVERYTHING and when the time comes everything will be there to divide it fairly.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western PA
Posts: 151
Absolutely. I plan to divide assests fairly, but the monthly statement idea (with the account number redacted) had not occured to me. It is a tangible demonstration of my good faith.
You know, my security questions now have creative answers. I really did not expect this one.
It makes me afraid. What else might I not expect. I have a call in to my lawyer to talk about custody.
You know, my security questions now have creative answers. I really did not expect this one.
It makes me afraid. What else might I not expect. I have a call in to my lawyer to talk about custody.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
someone wrote here that its the "addict having a temper tantrum">>>i so agree and he wants an RE ACTION
i think i just want to sayLEARN TO PICK YOUR BATTLES...what is important to you? he is gonna hit you where it hurts but that is what addicts do best...
so sorry for you and your family....time to start planning...even if it is walking away from the house....*hugs*
i think i just want to sayLEARN TO PICK YOUR BATTLES...what is important to you? he is gonna hit you where it hurts but that is what addicts do best...
so sorry for you and your family....time to start planning...even if it is walking away from the house....*hugs*
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
THugs! Stay strong and as fourmaggie said...pick your battles. I know from my training that an addict will normally have control issues and try to overly control situations and people because they are overcompensating for having no control over their own life when it comes to drinking. He is panicking because something he felt he had control over is being lost. He will fight savagely to regain that control
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