just a vent......
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 47
just a vent......
I am a one month of NC with my ex alcoholic bf who also has bipolar. He actually texted me last week asking "How's the job front?" I ignored him. I feel sad. the break up feels more real and I feel like a failure. I never wanted to fall into unhealthy patterns with him. I am said that he doesn't value me enough to stick around. Instead he wants to date others and claims to want to move away. Nothing is really giving me much peace at accepting his decision. I'm trying to find ways to heal myself and make me life healthier but it all feels empty. I am seeing a therapist and part of a support group.
People try to be kind and say there are other fish in the sea and someday someone will appreciate you, but that just makes me think about him finding someone new and "better." I love him. I never wanted to be unhealthy for him. In fact, a month before he left I had him read an article about power struggles and talk to him about healthier ways we could relate to each other. I told him it wasn't us as people and it was obvious we loved each other and were truly friends it was our unhealthy patterns of relating.
He left some time later out of the blue possibly manic brought on by the death of a friend of his.....Last I know he did some coke and oxy in addition to his drinking and pot smoking. I also know a dating profile went up shortly after he left. It is very sad to me.....I don't know how to care that he doesn't value me enough to stick it out and went back to his old ways with the same old people.....
People try to be kind and say there are other fish in the sea and someday someone will appreciate you, but that just makes me think about him finding someone new and "better." I love him. I never wanted to be unhealthy for him. In fact, a month before he left I had him read an article about power struggles and talk to him about healthier ways we could relate to each other. I told him it wasn't us as people and it was obvious we loved each other and were truly friends it was our unhealthy patterns of relating.
He left some time later out of the blue possibly manic brought on by the death of a friend of his.....Last I know he did some coke and oxy in addition to his drinking and pot smoking. I also know a dating profile went up shortly after he left. It is very sad to me.....I don't know how to care that he doesn't value me enough to stick it out and went back to his old ways with the same old people.....
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
My vent about your vent :)
helltoraise,
Please put all this thought into your therapy and your support group.
What I wonder about is you.
Why do you value the opinion of a bi polar, pot smoking, coke snorting alcoholic?
Okay, I meant untreated bipolar. (I am a depressive so I am not putting down his chemical imbalance, just the way he is CHOOSING to self medicate.)
Anything he says, does or thinks has been filtered through all this garbage, it is a wonder he manages a conversation.
Healthy way of relating? How do you know you ever had a sincere conversation with him ever?
You want validation and a healthy way to relate to someone who is so, so ill.
You were not unhealthy for him. He was unhealthy for you.
You are truly looking for bread at the hardware store.
He cannot give you something he does not have.
Please give yourself a healthy relationship with yourself.
As long as you are looking outside yourself to validate who you are, you are lost.
Find out who you are before you start looking at other fish in the sea please.
Let him find someone else to flounder around with.
You want a balanced, non-addicted, emotionally available man.
He is NOT it.
Take care of you, helltoraise.
You are worth it. I know this.
Beth
Please put all this thought into your therapy and your support group.
What I wonder about is you.
Why do you value the opinion of a bi polar, pot smoking, coke snorting alcoholic?
Okay, I meant untreated bipolar. (I am a depressive so I am not putting down his chemical imbalance, just the way he is CHOOSING to self medicate.)
Anything he says, does or thinks has been filtered through all this garbage, it is a wonder he manages a conversation.
Healthy way of relating? How do you know you ever had a sincere conversation with him ever?
You want validation and a healthy way to relate to someone who is so, so ill.
You were not unhealthy for him. He was unhealthy for you.
You are truly looking for bread at the hardware store.
He cannot give you something he does not have.
Please give yourself a healthy relationship with yourself.
As long as you are looking outside yourself to validate who you are, you are lost.
Find out who you are before you start looking at other fish in the sea please.
Let him find someone else to flounder around with.
You want a balanced, non-addicted, emotionally available man.
He is NOT it.
Take care of you, helltoraise.
You are worth it. I know this.
Beth
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 5
@helltoraise we seem to be living the same thing right now. I'm also dealing with my recent x alcoholic boyfriend who is also bipolar. I feel so many of the same things as you. 1 month of no contact is really good, I've only just begun again to get through a week. I'm with you - stay strong!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I second what Beth has said.
It sounds as if the relationship is OVER, but you are not accepting it. As long as you hold onto it emotionally, in your head, desperately trying to think how you can save it, you will continue to be miserable.
Let it go. It isn't easy, but let it go. This relationship is unhealthy for you on so many levels that it is not WORTH holding onto. I'm not saying either you, or he, is worthless, but you have no happy future here. Time to move on.
And I also agree with Beth that you need to heal your own relationship with yourself before moving into another. When we are happy, balanced people, we tend to wind up with healthy, balanced people in our lives.
It sounds as if the relationship is OVER, but you are not accepting it. As long as you hold onto it emotionally, in your head, desperately trying to think how you can save it, you will continue to be miserable.
Let it go. It isn't easy, but let it go. This relationship is unhealthy for you on so many levels that it is not WORTH holding onto. I'm not saying either you, or he, is worthless, but you have no happy future here. Time to move on.
And I also agree with Beth that you need to heal your own relationship with yourself before moving into another. When we are happy, balanced people, we tend to wind up with healthy, balanced people in our lives.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 47
Wicked-
I carried your thoughts around today. I don't have the answer. It is probably the cornerstone to my healing. I guess because I focus on what I love about him. I feel hurt that he couldn't do the same for me. He picked me apart and decided he needed to seek greener grasses. I feel humiliated because I truly thought we were in this together. Letting go has never been my strong suit even if holding on is to my own detriment. Admitting failure and what that says about me.....maybe if I let go I feel like I'm saying I don't love him or I'm betraying him....I don't know. I don't think we were wrong for each other. I just see it as a blown opportunity to love another person and be loved. It was his choice to walk away.
Waitingmyself-keep me posted in your journey. Breaking up with someone who has a untreated mental illness is not like other break ups. Some can be very traumatic. Along with this forum I highly recommend going here: Bipolar Spouses Forums - General & Support These people help me so much. Thank you to all who took the time to respond.
I carried your thoughts around today. I don't have the answer. It is probably the cornerstone to my healing. I guess because I focus on what I love about him. I feel hurt that he couldn't do the same for me. He picked me apart and decided he needed to seek greener grasses. I feel humiliated because I truly thought we were in this together. Letting go has never been my strong suit even if holding on is to my own detriment. Admitting failure and what that says about me.....maybe if I let go I feel like I'm saying I don't love him or I'm betraying him....I don't know. I don't think we were wrong for each other. I just see it as a blown opportunity to love another person and be loved. It was his choice to walk away.
Waitingmyself-keep me posted in your journey. Breaking up with someone who has a untreated mental illness is not like other break ups. Some can be very traumatic. Along with this forum I highly recommend going here: Bipolar Spouses Forums - General & Support These people help me so much. Thank you to all who took the time to respond.
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