SolTraveler

Ok, so I have gone to a few Al-Anon meetings when my ABF was at work. Now the kids will be out of school soon and I would like to go more often. My eldest can watch the little ones. However, like most kids, they are not great about keeping secrets.

I do not think my ABF needs to know where I am, especially since the days I go are when he is at work. He knows that I think he needs a program, and I am not going to bash him over the head with that. It isn't so much that I am afraid that he will find out - I need to do this for ME and I do not want his shame, etc to in any way affect how I feel about going to meetings and I do not feel like it is his business.

My plan is to not lie about what I am doing. If he confronts me I will simply tell him where I went - no further explanation necessary. I will not get into it with him (he probably wouldn't say much about it anyway - just stew and be upset privately).

How did you all handle the issue of meetings with your alcoholic?

honeypig

Hmm, let me see--I think it was when I practically FLEW out the door to my first meeting after I began to realize the depth and breadth of the alcohol problem. That particular day had followed a week of sobriety in late February; that Sunday he marched into my "office" where I work at home and announced he was going to the liquor store and there was nothing I could do to stop him. I had been at my sister's house thru the afternoon to avoid being home w/him but returned around dinner time. As you may well imagine, things did not go well upon my return. He went in and started watching a movie, I sat down to work at my computer. I had been checking dates and times of meetings prior to this. I worked for about 5 minutes, could not focus, and got up, saying out loud "I can't do this on my own!" I threw on my coat and grabbed my wallet and keys, thinking "there is a beginner's meeting that I can probably make if I haul ass over there..." He looked up from the TV as I passed thru the room and asked where I was going. I said the same thing to him--"I can't do this alone"--and continued out the door and to the meeting.

So this probably doesn't help you, as there was no discussion or "breaking of the news" of any sort. I was at the end of my rope and knew it and could not just sit there in that house w/him that night. The beginners' meeting was very small and welcoming. The regular meeting followed it, and I felt SO MUCH BETTER when I left than when I went in...there was simply no way I would have not kept going. I just could not maintain on my own.

I guess my feeling would be that you should just keep on going, and whatever feelings he has about it are his own to deal with. Not lying and not concealing seem like a good plan to me. It is something you are doing for YOUR sanity.

LexieCat

Mine always knew where I was going. My first husband was in AA when I started going to Al-Anon, and my second was too sick from drinking to have an opinion when I first started going back. For a while I went to Al-Anon while he was at AA, and when he quit going to AA I just kept going to Al-Anon.

Your plan of not bringing it up unless he asks is fine, and I agree that if he asks you should tell him, without comment. Does he even know the difference between AA and Al-Anon? I know you don't do AA, but a lot of people don't know the difference.

SolTraveler

Yeah, he knows the difference. He has racked up some DUIs in the past and was court-ordered to go to AA. We talked about it in the past.

I also ordered a bunch of Al-Anon books, so I am sure he will see those at some point. I know he will eventually figure something out and get around to asking. He has a codie streak of his own and sometimes I think he checks up on me, which is fine. I have zero to hide and my life is always an open book to him.

LexieCat

Then I would just deal with any questions honestly as they come up. You can tell him it's to help you stay out of his business.

MTSlideAddict

I only told him when asked.

My AH works from home, so going while he was away would be hard to plan. He is very noisy by nature. Regarding everything not just things related to me; there is always a why or a who. I knew with his “need to know” personality he would ask questions. I just simply respond with as much information I was willing to share and nothing more. Al-Anon meetings didn’t require much discussion. He asked, and then I responded as to where. He dropped it from then on.

Therapy is a little more touchy for me. When he asked me about that one I simply responded with, “I’m going to therapy.” Then he asked me for what. LOL. Really? My response to him was, “I have some issues I want to work on.” Then of course the with who question came up. My response was, “I don’t feel comfortable going into further detail.” He dropped it from there. After the initial discussion I just let him know I have a therapy session if he asks where I’m going. He doesn’t pry anymore.

I say only share as much information as you are willing to. You are right; it is not his business.