How much of the breakup with AEXBF is my fault?
Recovering!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 34
How much of the breakup with AEXBF is my fault?
I'm so confused. We certainly both did things that were unhealthy for our relationship, but most of the problems were normal stuff for how long we'd been living together (two years). Nothing that couldn't be worked through.
A year ago, he started drinking. His family has addiction issues and he has been to rehab in the past. The drinking got to its worst in November, when he started cheating on me with the neighbor.
He proposed to me in December. I found out about the (still ongoing) cheating in January. He said he wanted to break up with me, but then we decided to work on things. He said he needed space to work on his recovery, so we agreed that I'd move out for six months. He kept sleeping with the neighbor. We weren't sure where things were headed, and I mostly focused on my own recovery.
By the end of March, he and I were making progress in our relationship. He said he only wanted to be with me. He said that he knew he used sex with the neighbor like a drug, and that if we had sex, we could be together again. So on Easter, we had sex, but sometime over the next two days, he changed his mind, saying he had feelings for the neighbor, and was confused and unsure of what to do.
A few weeks ago, he told me (angrily over the phone) that he was "done" with me. Now he and the neighbor are in a relationship (because the first year of recovery is exactly when you should be dumping people and starting new relationships...?) and I am so hurt.
I don't want him like he is; he's an incredibly unhealthy person. But I wanted to give therapy more of a chance, and recovery a chance, and see where we went. The woman he's with was most attracted to him at the lowest point of his addiction. She also has a daughter almost my age, which is weird. Our therapist maintains that she is a distraction from his recovery, and has told him so.
ANYWAY, enough about him! When I talk to others who know about addiction/have attended Al-Anon, etc, they all seem to suggest that all of this crap is my EXABF not working on recovery. Everyone seems to make it pretty clear that the responsibility for most of what's happened is on him. When his dad (who knows a LOT about addiction and codependency) talk, his dad said he's deflecting a lot of blame onto me, and that he's not taking recovery seriously/he's still all talk. But when EXABF and I talk, he reminds me that I'm not taking nearly enough responsibility for what went wrong, and a lot of this is on my shoulders, too.
Is he right? How much of it is my fault? He himself told me that the way to know if an addict's lying is to see if their lips are moving. I have no idea what to believe from him, but I do know I have a history of believing him even when I shouldn't.
What do you guys think? How much of this should I own?
A year ago, he started drinking. His family has addiction issues and he has been to rehab in the past. The drinking got to its worst in November, when he started cheating on me with the neighbor.
He proposed to me in December. I found out about the (still ongoing) cheating in January. He said he wanted to break up with me, but then we decided to work on things. He said he needed space to work on his recovery, so we agreed that I'd move out for six months. He kept sleeping with the neighbor. We weren't sure where things were headed, and I mostly focused on my own recovery.
By the end of March, he and I were making progress in our relationship. He said he only wanted to be with me. He said that he knew he used sex with the neighbor like a drug, and that if we had sex, we could be together again. So on Easter, we had sex, but sometime over the next two days, he changed his mind, saying he had feelings for the neighbor, and was confused and unsure of what to do.
A few weeks ago, he told me (angrily over the phone) that he was "done" with me. Now he and the neighbor are in a relationship (because the first year of recovery is exactly when you should be dumping people and starting new relationships...?) and I am so hurt.
I don't want him like he is; he's an incredibly unhealthy person. But I wanted to give therapy more of a chance, and recovery a chance, and see where we went. The woman he's with was most attracted to him at the lowest point of his addiction. She also has a daughter almost my age, which is weird. Our therapist maintains that she is a distraction from his recovery, and has told him so.
ANYWAY, enough about him! When I talk to others who know about addiction/have attended Al-Anon, etc, they all seem to suggest that all of this crap is my EXABF not working on recovery. Everyone seems to make it pretty clear that the responsibility for most of what's happened is on him. When his dad (who knows a LOT about addiction and codependency) talk, his dad said he's deflecting a lot of blame onto me, and that he's not taking recovery seriously/he's still all talk. But when EXABF and I talk, he reminds me that I'm not taking nearly enough responsibility for what went wrong, and a lot of this is on my shoulders, too.
Is he right? How much of it is my fault? He himself told me that the way to know if an addict's lying is to see if their lips are moving. I have no idea what to believe from him, but I do know I have a history of believing him even when I shouldn't.
What do you guys think? How much of this should I own?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
The fact you haven't broken free from someone who is in active addiction, and coninues to cheat - that's what you own. You gave him s*x on Easter to supposedly keep him - he hooked you in big time. A's are master manipulators, and he's got you right where he wants you.
You didn't make him cheat, you didn't make him drink, you didn't MAKE him do anything. He continues to cheat, he pretty much tells you he wants this other person, and you just go along with it.
He said to you he was "done" - take that gift and run with it. And then run to your doctor and get checked for STDs, because who knows what she shared with him - she doesn't seem like an overly upstanding individual.
My dear, you deserve much better. Get yourself well emotionally and psychologically, and go get it at some point. You are better than anything thing he can provide you.
Best of Luck,
C-OH Dad
You didn't make him cheat, you didn't make him drink, you didn't MAKE him do anything. He continues to cheat, he pretty much tells you he wants this other person, and you just go along with it.
He said to you he was "done" - take that gift and run with it. And then run to your doctor and get checked for STDs, because who knows what she shared with him - she doesn't seem like an overly upstanding individual.
My dear, you deserve much better. Get yourself well emotionally and psychologically, and go get it at some point. You are better than anything thing he can provide you.
Best of Luck,
C-OH Dad
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
First, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Loving an alcoholic is a merry-go-round of emotions and from my experience, it ends in heartbreak all too often.
It seems that in any relationship breakdown, there are parts that need to be owned by each party. We all make mistakes and do things wrong at times. Most likely, your mistakes could have been worked through in a healthy manner if it were a healthy, productive relationship. This is not the case with a relationship involving an active alcoholic though. Alcoholics are most times unable to cope with normal relationship issues and every little thing sets off a dramatic chain of events with them.
I know first hand how manipulative the active alcoholic can be when they are deferring their issues and shortcomings onto a partner. My STBXAH almost had me convinced that every issue in our marriage was caused by me before I came to my senses, shook the cloud from my head and left. They are unable to take responsibility for their actions and use defense mechanisms in order to not have to. Deferrment is a big one. He is sleeping with the neighbor, but it is ok in his mind because you did something wrong to cause it? My STBXAH cheated with 4 women over the course of a year, all of which he told were his soulmates, I was crazy, he had to get away from me, planned a new life with them..... One, he ran away with (2 states away) while I was pregnant because he needed a fresh start. He of course came back because he couldn't get everything he needed from them and I was dumb enough to allow him to use me. Sound familiar?
The high of sex or a new relationship is like a drug to an addict/alcoholic. They will use it just the same as their drug of choice. When the high wears off though, they are right back where they started. You may have made mistakes in your relationship, but it sounds like the breakdown is coming from his addiction and choices.
Al-anon would be a great help to you as you move through this process. Only you know what is right for you, but when you are able to get help and support from others who have been through similiar and you are able to hear stories about the same behavior from other alcoholics, it offers peace and understanding. Good luck to you.
It seems that in any relationship breakdown, there are parts that need to be owned by each party. We all make mistakes and do things wrong at times. Most likely, your mistakes could have been worked through in a healthy manner if it were a healthy, productive relationship. This is not the case with a relationship involving an active alcoholic though. Alcoholics are most times unable to cope with normal relationship issues and every little thing sets off a dramatic chain of events with them.
I know first hand how manipulative the active alcoholic can be when they are deferring their issues and shortcomings onto a partner. My STBXAH almost had me convinced that every issue in our marriage was caused by me before I came to my senses, shook the cloud from my head and left. They are unable to take responsibility for their actions and use defense mechanisms in order to not have to. Deferrment is a big one. He is sleeping with the neighbor, but it is ok in his mind because you did something wrong to cause it? My STBXAH cheated with 4 women over the course of a year, all of which he told were his soulmates, I was crazy, he had to get away from me, planned a new life with them..... One, he ran away with (2 states away) while I was pregnant because he needed a fresh start. He of course came back because he couldn't get everything he needed from them and I was dumb enough to allow him to use me. Sound familiar?
The high of sex or a new relationship is like a drug to an addict/alcoholic. They will use it just the same as their drug of choice. When the high wears off though, they are right back where they started. You may have made mistakes in your relationship, but it sounds like the breakdown is coming from his addiction and choices.
Al-anon would be a great help to you as you move through this process. Only you know what is right for you, but when you are able to get help and support from others who have been through similiar and you are able to hear stories about the same behavior from other alcoholics, it offers peace and understanding. Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Listen to the people in your life that are healthy and have a record of being honest with you. I'd say your XBF doesn't fall into the category. The people that have recovered, such as his Dad, or your friends from AlAnon have nothing to gain from dishonesty, whereas he does.
Lastly listen to YOURSELF. Do you honestly think the things he did were your fault? From the mistakes you made the only thing that could have possibly happened was him cheating? Did you walk him over the neighbours and MAKE him cheat? I'm guessing not. That's all on him, however much he doesn't want to accept it. Have you tried Al-ANon for yourself? It can help you see situations like this for their reality, rather than what someone else wants you to see them as.
One of my favourite things I've learnt here is "that when an addict shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM!".
Lastly listen to YOURSELF. Do you honestly think the things he did were your fault? From the mistakes you made the only thing that could have possibly happened was him cheating? Did you walk him over the neighbours and MAKE him cheat? I'm guessing not. That's all on him, however much he doesn't want to accept it. Have you tried Al-ANon for yourself? It can help you see situations like this for their reality, rather than what someone else wants you to see them as.
One of my favourite things I've learnt here is "that when an addict shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM!".
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
whoa...WHY wasn't him sleeping with somebody ELSE a dealbreaker for YOU? why, knowing he was still sleeping with her, did you "try" to work on things? those are the questions you should be asking....why did you continue to accept what is normally considered absolutely Unacceptable behaviors??? and then when it finally falls apart, try so hard to figure out what YOU did wrong? he does not VALUE you whatsoever and yet you gave him the power to determine your worth......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
First let me say I am very sorry for all you have been through. I know how painful times like these are.
I think your part in all of this is figuring out why you have stayed enmeshed with someone who has demonstrated no commitment to you, no respect towards you, and who treats you very poorly. We tend to accept what we think we deserve. I am pretty sure I have read your story in other threads and that you have been through a very difficult time in your life.
We tend to repeat what is familiar (and therefore safe) in our relationships, and sometimes that means going out and finding someone who is going to reinforce all of our negative feelings about ourselves. Changing this pattern often requires a conscious decision on our part to want something better, and then seeking help to get there. I went through five years of private counseling. Other people have found a new path through the twelve steps.
Through counseling I was able to accept who I am, where I came from, and that what happened to me when I was a child was not my fault. I was also able to learn that the tools I had developed as a child -- the ones that helped me survive my AM and all the anger in our house -- were no longer relevant, that in fact, they were a detriment to me as an adult. This process meant spending a lot of time NOT in a relationship (scary for me!) for the first time in my life, but eventually I got to a place where, because I believed I deserved better, I was able to make better relationship decisions.
Sending you hugs and strength.
I think your part in all of this is figuring out why you have stayed enmeshed with someone who has demonstrated no commitment to you, no respect towards you, and who treats you very poorly. We tend to accept what we think we deserve. I am pretty sure I have read your story in other threads and that you have been through a very difficult time in your life.
We tend to repeat what is familiar (and therefore safe) in our relationships, and sometimes that means going out and finding someone who is going to reinforce all of our negative feelings about ourselves. Changing this pattern often requires a conscious decision on our part to want something better, and then seeking help to get there. I went through five years of private counseling. Other people have found a new path through the twelve steps.
Through counseling I was able to accept who I am, where I came from, and that what happened to me when I was a child was not my fault. I was also able to learn that the tools I had developed as a child -- the ones that helped me survive my AM and all the anger in our house -- were no longer relevant, that in fact, they were a detriment to me as an adult. This process meant spending a lot of time NOT in a relationship (scary for me!) for the first time in my life, but eventually I got to a place where, because I believed I deserved better, I was able to make better relationship decisions.
Sending you hugs and strength.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by arabhorseluvr 
What do you guys think? How much of this should I own?
And I mean that with sincerity. I'm sure there are things along the way that you may have been wrong about - but the biggest one here is thinking this guy has some kind of worth to you. He doesn't. Let your neighbor have him. They deserve each other.
Recovering!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Wavy
Listen to the people in your life that are healthy and have a record of being honest with you. I'd say your XBF doesn't fall into the category. The people that have recovered, such as his Dad, or your friends from AlAnon have nothing to gain from dishonesty, whereas he does.
Originally Posted by Wavy
Lastly listen to YOURSELF. Do you honestly think the things he did were your fault? From the mistakes you made the only thing that could have possibly happened was him cheating? Did you walk him over the neighbours and MAKE him cheat? I'm guessing not. That's all on him, however much he doesn't want to accept it. Have you tried Al-ANon for yourself? It can help you see situations like this for their reality, rather than what someone else wants you to see them as.
Originally Posted by Wavy
One of my favourite things I've learnt here is "that when an addict shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM!".
Originally Posted by Tryingtoletgo3
First, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Loving an alcoholic is a merry-go-round of emotions and from my experience, it ends in heartbreak all too often.
So is it worth it?
Originally Posted by Tryingtoletgo3
It seems that in any relationship breakdown, there are parts that need to be owned by each party. We all make mistakes and do things wrong at times. Most likely, your mistakes could have been worked through in a healthy manner if it were a healthy, productive relationship. This is not the case with a relationship involving an active alcoholic though. Alcoholics are most times unable to cope with normal relationship issues and every little thing sets off a dramatic chain of events with them.
Originally Posted by Tryingtoletgo3
I know first hand how manipulative the active alcoholic can be when they are deferring their issues and shortcomings onto a partner. My STBXAH almost had me convinced that every issue in our marriage was caused by me before I came to my senses, shook the cloud from my head and left. They are unable to take responsibility for their actions and use defense mechanisms in order to not have to. Deferrment is a big one. He is sleeping with the neighbor, but it is ok in his mind because you did something wrong to cause it? My STBXAH cheated with 4 women over the course of a year, all of which he told were his soulmates, I was crazy, he had to get away from me, planned a new life with them..... One, he ran away with (2 states away) while I was pregnant because he needed a fresh start. He of course came back because he couldn't get everything he needed from them and I was dumb enough to allow him to use me. Sound familiar?
He doesn't outright say that his cheating is my fault, of course. He says that "cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum," meaning it doesn't "just happen" if the relationship is otherwise healthy. It happens as a response to bad things in the relationship. He wasn't getting sex in our relationship. So he turned elsewhere for it. He wasn't getting sex because of some issues I have (I'll definitely own that), but he shouldn't have gone outside the relationship for it; he should have talked to me about needs he was having that weren't being met so we could work on them together. I tell him it was his responsibility to be honest with me. He had actually had told me it was okay if we -never- had sex... and he says he believed it at the time he said it, and then when he realized it was important to him, that he was just trying to not pressure me. That's all well and good, but I feel like the responsibility for that all falls on him for not being honest. I didn't make him cheat. He's all like, "I was confused," and "I was trying to be nice," and ****, and that's all well and good, but in the end... he wasn't honest.
Ugh it's so confusing.
Originally Posted by Tryingtoletgo3
The high of sex or a new relationship is like a drug to an addict/alcoholic. They will use it just the same as their drug of choice. When the high wears off though, they are right back where they started. You may have made mistakes in your relationship, but it sounds like the breakdown is coming from his addiction and choices.
Originally Posted by Tryingtoletgo3
Al-anon would be a great help to you as you move through this process. Only you know what is right for you, but when you are able to get help and support from others who have been through similiar and you are able to hear stories about the same behavior from other alcoholics, it offers peace and understanding. Good luck to you.
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
The fact you haven't broken free from someone who is in active addiction, and coninues to cheat - that's what you own. You gave him s*x on Easter to supposedly keep him - he hooked you in big time. A's are master manipulators, and he's got you right where he wants you.
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
You didn't make him cheat, you didn't make him drink, you didn't MAKE him do anything. He continues to cheat, he pretty much tells you he wants this other person, and you just go along with it.
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
My dear, you deserve much better. Get yourself well emotionally and psychologically, and go get it at some point. You are better than anything thing he can provide you.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
whoa...WHY wasn't him sleeping with somebody ELSE a dealbreaker for YOU? why, knowing he was still sleeping with her, did you "try" to work on things? those are the questions you should be asking....why did you continue to accept what is normally considered absolutely Unacceptable behaviors??? and then when it finally falls apart, try so hard to figure out what YOU did wrong? he does not VALUE you whatsoever and yet you gave him the power to determine your worth......
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I think your part in all of this is figuring out why you have stayed enmeshed with someone who has demonstrated no commitment to you, no respect towards you, and who treats you very poorly. We tend to accept what we think we deserve. I am pretty sure I have read your story in other threads and that you have been through a very difficult time in your life.
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
This process meant spending a lot of time NOT in a relationship (scary for me!) for the first time in my life, but eventually I got to a place where, because I believed I deserved better, I was able to make better relationship decisions.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 47
"He doesn't outright say that his cheating is my fault, of course. He says that "cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum," meaning it doesn't "just happen" if the relationship is otherwise healthy. It happens as a response to bad things in the relationship. He wasn't getting sex in our relationship. So he turned elsewhere for it."
Ick--this is a load of BS that unfortunately a lot of people actually believe. Cheating happens because the cheater is behaving like a cowardly, emotional-child who won't do the mature, responsible thing and address the issues in their primary relationship as they should. Its immature, selfish acting out, pure and simple.
"I want to go, but have no car (working on changing that, though). I think I found some online meetings... I should go to them. Reading others' experiences here has helped as well."
I'll bet if you contacted your nearest AlAnon folks, they'd help you figure out transportation or an alternative way to participate--if that's what you want.
"I don't know if Al-anon is right for me, but I think I'd be doing a disservice to my recovery if I didn't try it for a while. I'm afraid of being strangely jealous of those whose addict is still in their life. I got dumped by an addict and cheater. I wasn't even good enough for him. I feel like a pretty big loser right now."
Sweetie, you are absolutely not a loser, but this guy who has been manipulating you definitely is. I think you are a wonderful person who is just starting to wake-up and realize her own self-worth. I think the fact that you are now able to question this guy's choices and attitudes and your own motivation for wanting him in your life, even if you are filled with doubts and confusion, is more progress than you may realize.
Ick--this is a load of BS that unfortunately a lot of people actually believe. Cheating happens because the cheater is behaving like a cowardly, emotional-child who won't do the mature, responsible thing and address the issues in their primary relationship as they should. Its immature, selfish acting out, pure and simple.
"I want to go, but have no car (working on changing that, though). I think I found some online meetings... I should go to them. Reading others' experiences here has helped as well."
I'll bet if you contacted your nearest AlAnon folks, they'd help you figure out transportation or an alternative way to participate--if that's what you want.
"I don't know if Al-anon is right for me, but I think I'd be doing a disservice to my recovery if I didn't try it for a while. I'm afraid of being strangely jealous of those whose addict is still in their life. I got dumped by an addict and cheater. I wasn't even good enough for him. I feel like a pretty big loser right now."
Sweetie, you are absolutely not a loser, but this guy who has been manipulating you definitely is. I think you are a wonderful person who is just starting to wake-up and realize her own self-worth. I think the fact that you are now able to question this guy's choices and attitudes and your own motivation for wanting him in your life, even if you are filled with doubts and confusion, is more progress than you may realize.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The parts that you own are:
Drinking issues and a family history of addiction and you chose to stay.
Cheating on you and you chose to stay.
He needed space you chose to wait in the wings.
He was angry with you on the phone you chose to remain in contact with him.
You dont want him like he is you are not accepting who he is.
Its all him not working his recovery your not accepting its over and hes moved on.
You have no idea what to believe from him why are you even in contact with him at this point.
lots and lots of red flags - work YOUR recovery, work on YOUR codependency and let him go!!!!!
Drinking issues and a family history of addiction and you chose to stay.
Cheating on you and you chose to stay.
He needed space you chose to wait in the wings.
He was angry with you on the phone you chose to remain in contact with him.
You dont want him like he is you are not accepting who he is.
Its all him not working his recovery your not accepting its over and hes moved on.
You have no idea what to believe from him why are you even in contact with him at this point.
lots and lots of red flags - work YOUR recovery, work on YOUR codependency and let him go!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I don't think cheating has to be a deal breaker.
what would you call it then, character building? i don't mean to be snarky...but i think this IS a very important point...WHY do you not see your partner willfully having sex with somebody ELSE NOT a dealbreaker? how do you rationalize that in your own mind to make it ok to have trust and respect thrown out the window? and how on earth does I'M SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, it will never happen again fix that?
we teach people how to treat us. and if we just lay down and play DOORMAT they will assume we are a rug and walk all over us.
what would you call it then, character building? i don't mean to be snarky...but i think this IS a very important point...WHY do you not see your partner willfully having sex with somebody ELSE NOT a dealbreaker? how do you rationalize that in your own mind to make it ok to have trust and respect thrown out the window? and how on earth does I'M SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, it will never happen again fix that?
we teach people how to treat us. and if we just lay down and play DOORMAT they will assume we are a rug and walk all over us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western PA
Posts: 151
"I got dumped by an addict. I feel pretty low and unworthy right now."
Oh my. Your worth is not defined by this man. You almost sound as if you would feel better about yourself if he took you back. Honey - why would you want that? This is not a good man. This is a stinking, cheating, manipulative sot. Alcoholic or no, those actions are on him. And, I know. Believe me, I know - you love him, or at least the version of him that you hope he will be. But that version is a fantasy. He does not exist, and will not exist, no matter what you do.
So, one, you are not unworthy becuse a low-life dumped you.
Two, you do not need to be in a relationship or have external validation to be worthy. You can control this. You can define, for yourself, what sort of person has your respect. And then conform your choices each day to that standard.
I think you have a gapping hole in your heart and you are desperate to have someone else fill it up. I believe you can fill this hole in for yourself. You don't have to depend on him or anyone else to do it. Okay, so maybe you are lonely right now. It does not have to be that way forever. Invest in yourself and activities that you believe to be good. This will fill you with positive energy. And that will absolutely attractive positive people to you. Some of them will come to love you, whether as friends or as lovers (when you are ready for that - when you actually, truly, want that for you).
It may take some time. But it will happen, if you make space for it.
xoxoxo
Oh my. Your worth is not defined by this man. You almost sound as if you would feel better about yourself if he took you back. Honey - why would you want that? This is not a good man. This is a stinking, cheating, manipulative sot. Alcoholic or no, those actions are on him. And, I know. Believe me, I know - you love him, or at least the version of him that you hope he will be. But that version is a fantasy. He does not exist, and will not exist, no matter what you do.
So, one, you are not unworthy becuse a low-life dumped you.
Two, you do not need to be in a relationship or have external validation to be worthy. You can control this. You can define, for yourself, what sort of person has your respect. And then conform your choices each day to that standard.
I think you have a gapping hole in your heart and you are desperate to have someone else fill it up. I believe you can fill this hole in for yourself. You don't have to depend on him or anyone else to do it. Okay, so maybe you are lonely right now. It does not have to be that way forever. Invest in yourself and activities that you believe to be good. This will fill you with positive energy. And that will absolutely attractive positive people to you. Some of them will come to love you, whether as friends or as lovers (when you are ready for that - when you actually, truly, want that for you).
It may take some time. But it will happen, if you make space for it.
xoxoxo
Recovering!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I don't think cheating has to be a deal breaker.
what would you call it then, character building? i don't mean to be snarky...but i think this IS a very important point...WHY do you not see your partner willfully having sex with somebody ELSE NOT a dealbreaker? how do you rationalize that in your own mind to make it ok to have trust and respect thrown out the window? and how on earth does I'M SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, it will never happen again fix that?
what would you call it then, character building? i don't mean to be snarky...but i think this IS a very important point...WHY do you not see your partner willfully having sex with somebody ELSE NOT a dealbreaker? how do you rationalize that in your own mind to make it ok to have trust and respect thrown out the window? and how on earth does I'M SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, it will never happen again fix that?
Originally Posted by MrsDarcy
"He doesn't outright say that his cheating is my fault, of course. He says that "cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum," meaning it doesn't "just happen" if the relationship is otherwise healthy. It happens as a response to bad things in the relationship. He wasn't getting sex in our relationship. So he turned elsewhere for it."
Ick--this is a load of BS that unfortunately a lot of people actually believe. Cheating happens because the cheater is behaving like a cowardly, emotional-child who won't do the mature, responsible thing and address the issues in their primary relationship as they should. Its immature, selfish acting out, pure and simple.
Ick--this is a load of BS that unfortunately a lot of people actually believe. Cheating happens because the cheater is behaving like a cowardly, emotional-child who won't do the mature, responsible thing and address the issues in their primary relationship as they should. Its immature, selfish acting out, pure and simple.
"I want to go, but have no car (working on changing that, though). I think I found some online meetings... I should go to them. Reading others' experiences here has helped as well."
Originally Posted by MrsDarcy
I'll bet if you contacted your nearest AlAnon folks, they'd help you figure out transportation or an alternative way to participate--if that's what you want.
Originally Posted by MrsDarcy
"I don't know if Al-anon is right for me, but I think I'd be doing a disservice to my recovery if I didn't try it for a while. I'm afraid of being strangely jealous of those whose addict is still in their life. I got dumped by an addict and cheater. I wasn't even good enough for him. I feel like a pretty big loser right now."
Sweetie, you are absolutely not a loser, but this guy who has been manipulating you definitely is. I think you are a wonderful person who is just starting to wake-up and realize her own self-worth. I think the fact that you are now able to question this guy's choices and attitudes and your own motivation for wanting him in your life, even if you are filled with doubts and confusion, is more progress than you may realize.
Sweetie, you are absolutely not a loser, but this guy who has been manipulating you definitely is. I think you are a wonderful person who is just starting to wake-up and realize her own self-worth. I think the fact that you are now able to question this guy's choices and attitudes and your own motivation for wanting him in your life, even if you are filled with doubts and confusion, is more progress than you may realize.
Originally Posted by Archangelesk
"I got dumped by an addict. I feel pretty low and unworthy right now."
Oh my. Your worth is not defined by this man. You almost sound as if you would feel better about yourself if he took you back. Honey - why would you want that?
Oh my. Your worth is not defined by this man. You almost sound as if you would feel better about yourself if he took you back. Honey - why would you want that?
Originally Posted by Archangelesk
This is not a good man. This is a stinking, cheating, manipulative sot. Alcoholic or no, those actions are on him. And, I know. Believe me, I know - you love him, or at least the version of him that you hope he will be. But that version is a fantasy. He does not exist, and will not exist, no matter what you do.
Originally Posted by Archangelesk
Two, you do not need to be in a relationship or have external validation to be worthy. You can control this. You can define, for yourself, what sort of person has your respect. And then conform your choices each day to that standard.
Originally Posted by Archangelesk
I think you have a gapping hole in your heart and you are desperate to have someone else fill it up. I believe you can fill this hole in for yourself. You don't have to depend on him or anyone else to do it. Okay, so maybe you are lonely right now. It does not have to be that way forever. Invest in yourself and activities that you believe to be good. This will fill you with positive energy. And that will absolutely attractive positive people to you. Some of them will come to love you, whether as friends or as lovers (when you are ready for that - when you actually, truly, want that for you).
Recovering!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by atalose
Drinking issues and a family history of addiction and you chose to stay.
Originally Posted by atalose
Cheating on you and you chose to stay.
Originally Posted by atalose
He needed space you chose to wait in the wings.
Originally Posted by atalose
He was angry with you on the phone you chose to remain in contact with him.
Originally Posted by atalose
You dont want him like he is you are not accepting who he is.
Originally Posted by atalose
You have no idea what to believe from him why are you even in contact with him at this point.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It doesn't sound like ANY of the breakup was your fault. Not that you may not have made mistakes that were harmful to you, but his choices in companionship are his own responsibility. He sounds like a pretty confused person. You can't fix that.
Some people are simply broken. They may, someday, with a lot of hard work, recover from their brokenness, but in the meantime they are not going to have healthy relationships with ANYONE.
Your ex is not the first to want a wife/girlfriend and still enjoy an irresponsible lifestyle. His choice, not your responsibility.
If I were you, I would just put him down the way you would anything else incomprehensible and useless to you, and work on living a life that doesn't consist of endless pain and frustration.
Some people are simply broken. They may, someday, with a lot of hard work, recover from their brokenness, but in the meantime they are not going to have healthy relationships with ANYONE.
Your ex is not the first to want a wife/girlfriend and still enjoy an irresponsible lifestyle. His choice, not your responsibility.
If I were you, I would just put him down the way you would anything else incomprehensible and useless to you, and work on living a life that doesn't consist of endless pain and frustration.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Don't listen to what he says......watch his actions. He "wants" to change....but he has made no effort. He continues in the cheating relationship. He is a cheating addict. When someone shows you who they are .....believe them!!!!
It is not that you're not good enough for him....you are TOO GOOD for him. But until you love yourself enough to realize this you're in for a rocky road. Set your boundaries, decide how you want to be treated by others in your life.
He told you he's done with you....you can't see it now but you've been given a gift. Be done with him and start on a new healthier path. Go No Contact with this guy and the cheating gal he's with. You have NO reason to accept text messages from her, don't get pulled into that kind of destructive drama. Get into AlAnon and start working on you...don't look back.
It is not that you're not good enough for him....you are TOO GOOD for him. But until you love yourself enough to realize this you're in for a rocky road. Set your boundaries, decide how you want to be treated by others in your life.
He told you he's done with you....you can't see it now but you've been given a gift. Be done with him and start on a new healthier path. Go No Contact with this guy and the cheating gal he's with. You have NO reason to accept text messages from her, don't get pulled into that kind of destructive drama. Get into AlAnon and start working on you...don't look back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I finally ripped off the bandaid of denial when I caught my problem drinker husband in an affair with a "good" friend of mine.
Finally after five years of knowing there was something not right about the drinking....it took an affair for me to get help.
I was able to have boundaries around the affair that I could not have with drinking (don't ask me why, but I am grateful that I did).
I do want to name this though: they both made me feel similar (regardless of his motivation for either). I felt unworthy, attacked, like I NEEDED to fix it and make it all better....for him.
If I made it okay for him he would not need to do these self destructive things.
Here is the piece I was forgetting....I had needs in the relationship too.
The great news for me was because I felt similar with both, I got to heal from both regardless of which part I was focusing on at the moment. Al-Anon (especially detachment and boundaries helped).
The three Cs were a lifesaver
I did not cause it (the affair or the addiction)
I cannot control it (the affair or the addiction)
I cannot cure it (the affair or the addiction).
I also like the way I read something about affairs. It takes two to be in a relationship and I contributed to problems in the relationship (not necessarily 50/50), but the person who had the affair had a lot of choices INSTEAD OF an affair to deal with the problems in the relationship and the choice to engage in an affair is 100% on that person.
Work by Janet Abrahm Springs helped immensely in affair healing. She also has a book on forgiveness that helped me immensely to figure out what was mine and what was not (it is not directly affair related).
Finally after five years of knowing there was something not right about the drinking....it took an affair for me to get help.
I was able to have boundaries around the affair that I could not have with drinking (don't ask me why, but I am grateful that I did).
I do want to name this though: they both made me feel similar (regardless of his motivation for either). I felt unworthy, attacked, like I NEEDED to fix it and make it all better....for him.
If I made it okay for him he would not need to do these self destructive things.
Here is the piece I was forgetting....I had needs in the relationship too.
The great news for me was because I felt similar with both, I got to heal from both regardless of which part I was focusing on at the moment. Al-Anon (especially detachment and boundaries helped).
The three Cs were a lifesaver
I did not cause it (the affair or the addiction)
I cannot control it (the affair or the addiction)
I cannot cure it (the affair or the addiction).
I also like the way I read something about affairs. It takes two to be in a relationship and I contributed to problems in the relationship (not necessarily 50/50), but the person who had the affair had a lot of choices INSTEAD OF an affair to deal with the problems in the relationship and the choice to engage in an affair is 100% on that person.
Work by Janet Abrahm Springs helped immensely in affair healing. She also has a book on forgiveness that helped me immensely to figure out what was mine and what was not (it is not directly affair related).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Wow. I mean this as gently as possible, but he sounds like a real piece of work and from your description, you are 1000% better off without him.
For me, an affair is the end of the relationship. Once that trust is broken, that is absolutely it.
I stayed with my ex husband for 7 years after finding out that he was on dating sites pretending he was single. I don't believe that he physically cheated based on my personal investigation, but what he did was betrayal enough and damaging enough that my throat still closes up when my boyfriend even talks about female friends, despite all of the therapy I have been in. Anyway, the marriage failed, not because of his wandering, but because, as the activity indicated, he was just not committed to the relationship. It was a symptom of a fundamental personality flaw that he had.
My advice is to run far and fast. Do not look back. And if your therapist is not working for you, get a new one.
For me, an affair is the end of the relationship. Once that trust is broken, that is absolutely it.
I stayed with my ex husband for 7 years after finding out that he was on dating sites pretending he was single. I don't believe that he physically cheated based on my personal investigation, but what he did was betrayal enough and damaging enough that my throat still closes up when my boyfriend even talks about female friends, despite all of the therapy I have been in. Anyway, the marriage failed, not because of his wandering, but because, as the activity indicated, he was just not committed to the relationship. It was a symptom of a fundamental personality flaw that he had.
My advice is to run far and fast. Do not look back. And if your therapist is not working for you, get a new one.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western PA
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by arabhorseluvr
No! I don't want him to take me back! Not like he is! I wish that I was worth working with, that our relationship was worth working on. Otherwise... I wish I had done the dumping! Clearly, he's the more dump-worthy one.
I mean this very kindly -
Until you decide to define your worth on your own terms, without reference to anyone else, you are going to be stuck. And the place that you are stuck is a horrible, unhappy place. Invest in yourself and find a way to build up a deep and abiding belief in your own value. When you believe that no matter what anybody else says or does, and act accordingly, you will find a peace you have not yet imagined.
You can make this better. You can FEEL better. You are completely in control of that. You don't need this man or to bother with what he is up to now. You are worth so much more than that.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
