This is so weird and why do I feel guilty?
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This is so weird and why do I feel guilty?
Hi all,
So I've been dating someone for a few months now and I think that is going pretty well.
Recently he told me that he'd like to take a break from drinking and he's been drinking more since we started seeing each other. I was definitely taken aback by that statement as we are together 1-2 times a week at the most and when I'm not around he still goes out for drinks with his co-workers and drinks a beer at home sometimes.
My immediate reaction was to go on the defensive and feel a huge amount of inappropriate guilt even though I've been trying to steer our relationship towards healthy activities and he keeps wanting to go to parties.
I did tell him nothing I am doing is making him drink or not drink, and if he wants to take a break I am all for it and will do whatever I can to support the effort.
My co-dependent crazies are going off right now, why do I feel guilt for someone else's choices and what should I do now?
So I've been dating someone for a few months now and I think that is going pretty well.
Recently he told me that he'd like to take a break from drinking and he's been drinking more since we started seeing each other. I was definitely taken aback by that statement as we are together 1-2 times a week at the most and when I'm not around he still goes out for drinks with his co-workers and drinks a beer at home sometimes.
My immediate reaction was to go on the defensive and feel a huge amount of inappropriate guilt even though I've been trying to steer our relationship towards healthy activities and he keeps wanting to go to parties.
I did tell him nothing I am doing is making him drink or not drink, and if he wants to take a break I am all for it and will do whatever I can to support the effort.
My co-dependent crazies are going off right now, why do I feel guilt for someone else's choices and what should I do now?
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Does not seem like the kind of guy to date. If he is triggering these negative feelings for you now, anything going forward with him will be a negative spiral. It's best to notice this RED FLAG and adjust yourself. There are good people out there who will support your healthy lifestyle and choices. He is not one of them.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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I think your co-dependent crazies are going off because he’s most likely telling you he is an alcoholic without really telling you. His statement that “he is drinking more since you started seeing each other” is a giant big flashing RED FLAG!
The other RED FLAG is that he wants to go to parties and you want to do healthy things.
The other RED FLAG is that he wants to go to parties and you want to do healthy things.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Can I ask, Ziggy, if you have talked to him about your past relationship at all? If so, does it come up often? I guess I am asking if your previous involvement with an alcoholic is a part of your dialogue with this new guy or not.
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie 
ooh gosh Ziggy...why ole why did you start dating him? time to get back to your recovery....
and time to let go and let god
and time to let go and let god
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Can I ask, Ziggy, if you have talked to him about your past relationship at all? If so, does it come up often? I guess I am asking if your previous involvement with an alcoholic is a part of your dialogue with this new guy or not.
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I am not really surprised to hear that, after learning you had been involved with an alcoholic, he is paying more attention to his own drinking habits. But whether that is a positive or a negative I'm not sure.
I think you have learned enough to know if this is a red flag or not, or maybe how big of a red flag it is. Time to put some trust in your recovery and determine if this is a good relationship for you to pursue further. Remember not everything you learned from your last relationship is 'baggage' -- a lot of it has transformed into good tools for determining what is best for you! I wish you strength and courage as work this out!
I think you have learned enough to know if this is a red flag or not, or maybe how big of a red flag it is. Time to put some trust in your recovery and determine if this is a good relationship for you to pursue further. Remember not everything you learned from your last relationship is 'baggage' -- a lot of it has transformed into good tools for determining what is best for you! I wish you strength and courage as work this out!
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Why he said what he said is not important. Why you feel the way you do is. Trust your intuition. More will be revealed, and this time you know enough now to not lose yourself in it all.
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even though I've been trying to steer our relationship towards healthy activities and he keeps wanting to go to parties.
a few months in and you are already trying to alter his behavior. and that behavior centers around????? DRINKING.
take a deep breath, pause and really reflect upon that.
a few months in and you are already trying to alter his behavior. and that behavior centers around????? DRINKING.
take a deep breath, pause and really reflect upon that.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Hi Ziggy
It sounds like red flags to me.
Be very careful.
Maybe it would be better to date someone that doesn't drink or who wants to do other nice things together instead of just parties.
Think about what type of man you want in your life.
Set boundaries for yourself & if the boundaries are in jeopardy then that is your queue to exit.
Hugs as always.
It sounds like red flags to me.
Be very careful.
Maybe it would be better to date someone that doesn't drink or who wants to do other nice things together instead of just parties.
Think about what type of man you want in your life.
Set boundaries for yourself & if the boundaries are in jeopardy then that is your queue to exit.
Hugs as always.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
even though I've been trying to steer our relationship towards healthy activities and he keeps wanting to go to parties.
a few months in and you are already trying to alter his behavior. and that behavior centers around????? DRINKING.
take a deep breath, pause and really reflect upon that.
a few months in and you are already trying to alter his behavior. and that behavior centers around????? DRINKING.
take a deep breath, pause and really reflect upon that.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Recently he told me that he'd like to take a break from drinking and he's been drinking more since we started seeing each other. I was definitely taken aback by that statement as we are together 1-2 times a week at the most and when I'm not around he still goes out for drinks with his co-workers and drinks a beer at home sometimes.
My immediate reaction was to go on the defensive and feel a huge amount of inappropriate guilt even though I've been trying to steer our relationship towards healthy activities and he keeps wanting to go to parties.
I think the most useful part of your reaction to your BF's issues with drinking/not drinking is what you are observing about him. You are recognizing that he wants to go to parties and drink, that he is drinking occasionally with you one or two times a week, and that he is drinking a lot when he is not with you.
Because of your observations, you are trying to steer his behavior toward non-drinking "healthier" behavior and environments. That is a subterranean acknowledgement on your part that his attitude and behavior toward alcohol is bothering you. It would be better for you to bring this knowledge forward and consciously articulate to yourself that you are concerned about his drinking.
Instead, you are getting trapped by his implied criticism that HE is drinking more because he's met YOU. You haven't given any facts to support that at all. In fact, it sounds like he is drinking most days whether or not he is with you.
You are responding to his "hook" that you are at fault for what HE is choosing to do and that sends you on a co-dependent guilt trip.
Step back from the edge! Skip the guilt trip. You haven't done anything except suggest healthy activities instead of drinking activities.
What will help you is to look very directly at why you feel the need to "steer" him away from drinking. What are the facts, and what is he telling you?
This is where the pea is hidden in this shell game he is playing. Not in your knee-jerk feelings of guilt and defensiveness. Those are the beginnings of co-dependence, as is taking action to "steer" someone else's behavior toward your idea of what is healthy. He is beginning to pull you down the path of being held "responsible" and blamed for his choices.
He gets to drink daily and go to drinking parties if he wants. You get to decide if you want to be with someone who chooses that.
Missed you here on SR, glad you're back!
ShootingStar1
My immediate reaction was to go on the defensive and feel a huge amount of inappropriate guilt even though I've been trying to steer our relationship towards healthy activities and he keeps wanting to go to parties.
I think the most useful part of your reaction to your BF's issues with drinking/not drinking is what you are observing about him. You are recognizing that he wants to go to parties and drink, that he is drinking occasionally with you one or two times a week, and that he is drinking a lot when he is not with you.
Because of your observations, you are trying to steer his behavior toward non-drinking "healthier" behavior and environments. That is a subterranean acknowledgement on your part that his attitude and behavior toward alcohol is bothering you. It would be better for you to bring this knowledge forward and consciously articulate to yourself that you are concerned about his drinking.
Instead, you are getting trapped by his implied criticism that HE is drinking more because he's met YOU. You haven't given any facts to support that at all. In fact, it sounds like he is drinking most days whether or not he is with you.
You are responding to his "hook" that you are at fault for what HE is choosing to do and that sends you on a co-dependent guilt trip.
Step back from the edge! Skip the guilt trip. You haven't done anything except suggest healthy activities instead of drinking activities.
What will help you is to look very directly at why you feel the need to "steer" him away from drinking. What are the facts, and what is he telling you?
This is where the pea is hidden in this shell game he is playing. Not in your knee-jerk feelings of guilt and defensiveness. Those are the beginnings of co-dependence, as is taking action to "steer" someone else's behavior toward your idea of what is healthy. He is beginning to pull you down the path of being held "responsible" and blamed for his choices.
He gets to drink daily and go to drinking parties if he wants. You get to decide if you want to be with someone who chooses that.
Missed you here on SR, glad you're back!
ShootingStar1
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
[B]
You are responding to his "hook" that you are at fault for what HE is choosing to do and that sends you on a co-dependent guilt trip.
Step back from the edge! Skip the guilt trip. You haven't done anything except suggest healthy activities instead of drinking activities.
What will help you is to look very directly at why you feel the need to "steer" him away from drinking. What are the facts, and what is he telling you?
This is where the pea is hidden in this shell game he is playing. Not in your knee-jerk feelings of guilt and defensiveness. Those are the beginnings of co-dependence, as is taking action to "steer" someone else's behavior toward your idea of what is healthy. He is beginning to pull you down the path of being held "responsible" and blamed for his choices.
ShootingStar1
You are responding to his "hook" that you are at fault for what HE is choosing to do and that sends you on a co-dependent guilt trip.
Step back from the edge! Skip the guilt trip. You haven't done anything except suggest healthy activities instead of drinking activities.
What will help you is to look very directly at why you feel the need to "steer" him away from drinking. What are the facts, and what is he telling you?
This is where the pea is hidden in this shell game he is playing. Not in your knee-jerk feelings of guilt and defensiveness. Those are the beginnings of co-dependence, as is taking action to "steer" someone else's behavior toward your idea of what is healthy. He is beginning to pull you down the path of being held "responsible" and blamed for his choices.
ShootingStar1
I have actually known him for a long time (we were friends for a few years prior to our dating). He claims before we got more involved he went through a period of a few months where he wasn't drinking or even using caffeine and that was a conscious decision on his part. I do remember that. Anyway when we started dating we were drinking socially together but yeah, I certainly never thought anything of it, he is an adult and what he chooses to do is not really any of my business.
I agree that the guilt is what I really need to take a look at and it's a good thing I am going to therapy tomorrow to discuss it with my shrink. Furthermore I did mention to the bf how much his comment bothered me and now he just says that "correlation does not imply causation" and he thinks I ran amok with my negative self talk reading too much into the statement.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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A few months in and he is blaming you for his drinking.
trust your instincts. What are you comfortable with, what is acceptable to you? Is being on the defensive about anything ok with you, esp. when you recognize in yourself that you are doing the opposite of what he's saying --> steering your r/s with him towards healthy activities, but you recognize that he continues to steer everything back to drinking.
what else does he blame you for and what guilt (real or imagined) is he triggering for you? From what you mentioned, it struck me that he is minimizing your feelings. What you say and think and feel matter very much. Is it ok with you that someone does not take your concerns and feelings seriously?
trust your instincts. What are you comfortable with, what is acceptable to you? Is being on the defensive about anything ok with you, esp. when you recognize in yourself that you are doing the opposite of what he's saying --> steering your r/s with him towards healthy activities, but you recognize that he continues to steer everything back to drinking.
what else does he blame you for and what guilt (real or imagined) is he triggering for you? From what you mentioned, it struck me that he is minimizing your feelings. What you say and think and feel matter very much. Is it ok with you that someone does not take your concerns and feelings seriously?
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What I would do now is take the break. The little whispers inside that brought you here, the ones that we can get so good at ignoring, those whispers are looking out for us.
You've only been dating a few months.
You are uncomfortable with his drinking.
He is worried about his own drinking.
You are feeling misplaced feelings of guilt etc.
He has asked for a break.
Take stock. Is this the right time for you to be in a healthy relationship? Is he the right person? Do you want more of what you have right now? If you play the tape all the way through, what do you see?
At best he is struggling in at least two areas of his life - his drinking and his relationship with you. You know this by his actions and by his words.
At worst he is simply throwing out hooks to see if you bite. It is such an old ploy - throwing out some bait (draw back a bit, drop some hints about alcohol problems, appear wounded) to see if you nibble. Will she swim past or will she support me? Will she do whatever she can to keep me, help me, take some of the blame, try to fix things...grooming you to become the next perfect enabler . I don't think people necessarily do that consciously and with malice but our subconscious can be very clever. Good people manipulate when they are unhealthy themselves.
No one expects you to have the answers to all of those questions right away but taking a break for clarity can't hurt. Quit nibbling the bait for awhile.
You've only been dating a few months.
You are uncomfortable with his drinking.
He is worried about his own drinking.
You are feeling misplaced feelings of guilt etc.
He has asked for a break.
Take stock. Is this the right time for you to be in a healthy relationship? Is he the right person? Do you want more of what you have right now? If you play the tape all the way through, what do you see?
At best he is struggling in at least two areas of his life - his drinking and his relationship with you. You know this by his actions and by his words.
At worst he is simply throwing out hooks to see if you bite. It is such an old ploy - throwing out some bait (draw back a bit, drop some hints about alcohol problems, appear wounded) to see if you nibble. Will she swim past or will she support me? Will she do whatever she can to keep me, help me, take some of the blame, try to fix things...grooming you to become the next perfect enabler . I don't think people necessarily do that consciously and with malice but our subconscious can be very clever. Good people manipulate when they are unhealthy themselves.
No one expects you to have the answers to all of those questions right away but taking a break for clarity can't hurt. Quit nibbling the bait for awhile.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Wow.... I guess I am really surprised at the responses so far. It seems like many are immediately jumping to the conclusion that the guy is an alcoholic, he is already blame shifting, ziggy should take a break from the relationship, etc...
I reread the first post a few times:
To me this statement says nothing about Ziggys causing him to drink. It may just be timing that he has been drinking more, and only coincidental that Ziggy is around during that time.
This actually could be a healthy statement just being taken out of context. Personally I would have for once liked to hear my EXAG say that she was going to take a break from drinking vs. pretending it wasn't that bad or it was not even occurring.
I reread the first post a few times:
Recently he told me that he'd like to take a break from drinking and he's been drinking more since we started seeing each other.
This actually could be a healthy statement just being taken out of context. Personally I would have for once liked to hear my EXAG say that she was going to take a break from drinking vs. pretending it wasn't that bad or it was not even occurring.
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Crazed, you have a good point. And since he said "correlation isn't causation", it might just be what you said.
So there are two issues here. The first is a "more will be revealed" question. Does he have a drinking problem, or does he just want to drink a little less, like a "normal" drinker?
The second, Ziggy has pegged: what does she feel guilty when she hasn't done anything to feel guilty about?
ShootingStar1
So there are two issues here. The first is a "more will be revealed" question. Does he have a drinking problem, or does he just want to drink a little less, like a "normal" drinker?
The second, Ziggy has pegged: what does she feel guilty when she hasn't done anything to feel guilty about?
ShootingStar1
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I re-read this morning after seeing Crazed's post and I see he didn't ask for a break from the relationship. I'm sorry. That will teach me to post so late at night!
I think a lot of what I was trying to articulate still stands. Basically do you trust yourself to make decisions and hold on to boundaries that are good for you, honor you, etc. If not than focus on that and take it slow with him or anyone else - regardless of their status as a drinker.
I think a lot of what I was trying to articulate still stands. Basically do you trust yourself to make decisions and hold on to boundaries that are good for you, honor you, etc. If not than focus on that and take it slow with him or anyone else - regardless of their status as a drinker.
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