Feeling very alone...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
Feeling very alone...
My 16 yr old son has been at his dads (XAH) for weeks...for those of you not familiar, he had been caught smoking pot several times, had become defiant and out of control and verbally abusive to me. XAH is no help, he does not participate at all and has minimal contact with our son at best.
I sent him over there when I felt like I had no other choice...I have had no contact with him. I have gotten calls from his school, from teachers and his councilor. He is being disruptive in class and the councilor finally set up a meeting with him after talking to me and getting filled in on what was going on at home.
She said he broke down and cried because he was finally put in a situation being at his fathers, to meet the woman he left us to be with. They have been together for about 2 yrs that I can tell but my son had been refusing to meet her. He told the councilor that every time he saw her he thought of me and he hated her.
I didn't expect this to last this long...I thought he would go over there and be miserable and come home with a new attitude. jokes on me....
I reached out to him last night and sent him a message just telling him I loved him. He responded with a disrespectful attack ..a lot of language that is not exceptable to me and said I was making him look like a POS to everyone and that he now felt like he needed to apologize for me to his councilor and friends parents (whom I am friends with ) for the way I am acting...the message made no sense but was so over the line disrespectful I was floored. I did not respond but my feelings have been so hurt that I have been crying since.
He is failing every single class...the disrespect is out of control and dad is doing nothing. And now the thought of my son over there with them (his dad and this woman) is tearing me apart. Im alone in this house and they are over there together. I know it is petty and stupid but it is killing me. To have him there hating me so much when I have been the only one that has been there for him...when his dad has repeatedly showed him he can not be counted on ....Im so hurt. it feels like after tolerating his drinking for 17 yrs I am not being punished. and XAH must be enjoying this so much..
just needed to vent...
I sent him over there when I felt like I had no other choice...I have had no contact with him. I have gotten calls from his school, from teachers and his councilor. He is being disruptive in class and the councilor finally set up a meeting with him after talking to me and getting filled in on what was going on at home.
She said he broke down and cried because he was finally put in a situation being at his fathers, to meet the woman he left us to be with. They have been together for about 2 yrs that I can tell but my son had been refusing to meet her. He told the councilor that every time he saw her he thought of me and he hated her.
I didn't expect this to last this long...I thought he would go over there and be miserable and come home with a new attitude. jokes on me....
I reached out to him last night and sent him a message just telling him I loved him. He responded with a disrespectful attack ..a lot of language that is not exceptable to me and said I was making him look like a POS to everyone and that he now felt like he needed to apologize for me to his councilor and friends parents (whom I am friends with ) for the way I am acting...the message made no sense but was so over the line disrespectful I was floored. I did not respond but my feelings have been so hurt that I have been crying since.
He is failing every single class...the disrespect is out of control and dad is doing nothing. And now the thought of my son over there with them (his dad and this woman) is tearing me apart. Im alone in this house and they are over there together. I know it is petty and stupid but it is killing me. To have him there hating me so much when I have been the only one that has been there for him...when his dad has repeatedly showed him he can not be counted on ....Im so hurt. it feels like after tolerating his drinking for 17 yrs I am not being punished. and XAH must be enjoying this so much..
just needed to vent...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear my3sons, I want to respond to the pain that I know that you are feeling. The disappointment and the feelings of helplessness, I know, just seem overwhelming.
Try to remember not to personalize his anger and insulting statements. Now, I know this sounds impossible. Of course you are going to cry--you need to release some of the pain. But, remember that he is angry at his life situation and whatever feelings that are going on inside of him--he is angry at the world--and projecting it ALL onto you. He doesn't hate you (but will not admit it, of course). He is not able to handle the feeling in an adult way--his brain isn't even fully developed, yet.
Who is helping you with this? You cannot bear this alone--it is too big. You have to get help and guidance.
Keep posting.
sincerely, dandylion
P.S. Don't panic and bring him back to your house. The situation will only get worse. The bouncing back and forth only increases his in security that the adults in his life can't cope and are not in control.
Try to remember not to personalize his anger and insulting statements. Now, I know this sounds impossible. Of course you are going to cry--you need to release some of the pain. But, remember that he is angry at his life situation and whatever feelings that are going on inside of him--he is angry at the world--and projecting it ALL onto you. He doesn't hate you (but will not admit it, of course). He is not able to handle the feeling in an adult way--his brain isn't even fully developed, yet.
Who is helping you with this? You cannot bear this alone--it is too big. You have to get help and guidance.
Keep posting.
sincerely, dandylion
P.S. Don't panic and bring him back to your house. The situation will only get worse. The bouncing back and forth only increases his in security that the adults in his life can't cope and are not in control.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Awww I am sorry you are sad. Just keep up with The I love you texts and don't back down. I think he will come around. 
Maybe he actually feels like he is trapped there and can't come home and is angry about being with the alkie dad.
Maybe he actually feels like he is trapped there and can't come home and is angry about being with the alkie dad.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I am so sorry. It must be very difficult to go through this after everything else your XAH has put you through.
No matter what he says, your son still loves you and needs you. Right now he is acting out. It is completely unacceptable and you are right to hold the line on that. However, he will come around one day, hopefully soon.
((Hugs))
No matter what he says, your son still loves you and needs you. Right now he is acting out. It is completely unacceptable and you are right to hold the line on that. However, he will come around one day, hopefully soon.
((Hugs))
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
kids go through alot, they are disrpectful enough without the added bs ontop of it.
your son has been affected by everything thats clear with the counseling, his attitude about the new gf, his hatred, his poor grades etc.
dont beat yourself up...your doing your best. your son is acting out and full of emotions.
kids take divorce, alcoholism and affairs hard. he is growing and learning and he will learn alot of from you by you being healthy and handling everything with grace.
with you as his mentor and doing everything you can for him....he will hopefully rise above everything. i wouldnt count on his father to help you with this but you dont need him too that is sure, youve done alot without him. i know you feel alone, i have felt alone...hence lonelygirl name. so i know what you mean but you arent alone were here and your son feels just as alone as you do. i remember (without divorce though) as a teen feeling alone because i didnt think anyone understood me and resentment for petty things, thats without everything your son is going through. so just hang tough because your son loves you and will thank you later on in life. right now, hes a kid and hes learning.
your son has been affected by everything thats clear with the counseling, his attitude about the new gf, his hatred, his poor grades etc.
dont beat yourself up...your doing your best. your son is acting out and full of emotions.
kids take divorce, alcoholism and affairs hard. he is growing and learning and he will learn alot of from you by you being healthy and handling everything with grace.
with you as his mentor and doing everything you can for him....he will hopefully rise above everything. i wouldnt count on his father to help you with this but you dont need him too that is sure, youve done alot without him. i know you feel alone, i have felt alone...hence lonelygirl name. so i know what you mean but you arent alone were here and your son feels just as alone as you do. i remember (without divorce though) as a teen feeling alone because i didnt think anyone understood me and resentment for petty things, thats without everything your son is going through. so just hang tough because your son loves you and will thank you later on in life. right now, hes a kid and hes learning.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, dear. 
When my youngest daughter was 15, she was spiraling out of control, and every resource I reached out to said they really couldn't help until she either ran away or tried to commit suicide. I was devastated.
She did run away and for 5 gut-wrenching days I had no idea where she was or if she was even alive. I was coming apart at the seams.
When she finally turned herself in, the state stepped in and she was placed in their custody.
She spent two weeks in juvie while the courts were deciding what to do with her.
She was placed in a group home and ran away with another girl two days after she got there.
She was then placed in juvenile lockup for two months, about 4 hours away from me, and she was hateful when I would visit.
I never would have made it had I not leaned on friends in recovery and my sponsor, and I attended a lot of meetings.
She was finally placed in a foster home for high risk teens for a year before she was released back to me.
She remained hateful, and I would come home and cry after I would visit. I was gutted every time she spewed her hatred at me.
I hung in there, working on my own recovery. I was required to take parenting classes on teens, and it was an experience I learned much from. I am grateful I had to attend those classes.
I was in individual therapy. I worked hand in hand with the agency who did the placement for her while in state custody.
I thought I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I eventually did.
She is now 25, self-supporting (works two jobs), cares for her 5 horses, and we both took a lot away from that experience, though neither of us saw it at the time it was happening.
When a mother's heart breaks, it is unbearable. Believe me, I do feel your pain.
Turn it over to your higher power. I had to. I told God I was so tired and that I had no control over what was happening with my daughter.
Please know that I do care, and I am so glad you landed here among friends who understand.
Sending you hugs of support from rainy Kansas this evening!
When my youngest daughter was 15, she was spiraling out of control, and every resource I reached out to said they really couldn't help until she either ran away or tried to commit suicide. I was devastated.
She did run away and for 5 gut-wrenching days I had no idea where she was or if she was even alive. I was coming apart at the seams.
When she finally turned herself in, the state stepped in and she was placed in their custody.
She spent two weeks in juvie while the courts were deciding what to do with her.
She was placed in a group home and ran away with another girl two days after she got there.
She was then placed in juvenile lockup for two months, about 4 hours away from me, and she was hateful when I would visit.
I never would have made it had I not leaned on friends in recovery and my sponsor, and I attended a lot of meetings.
She was finally placed in a foster home for high risk teens for a year before she was released back to me.
She remained hateful, and I would come home and cry after I would visit. I was gutted every time she spewed her hatred at me.
I hung in there, working on my own recovery. I was required to take parenting classes on teens, and it was an experience I learned much from. I am grateful I had to attend those classes.
I was in individual therapy. I worked hand in hand with the agency who did the placement for her while in state custody.
I thought I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I eventually did.
She is now 25, self-supporting (works two jobs), cares for her 5 horses, and we both took a lot away from that experience, though neither of us saw it at the time it was happening.
When a mother's heart breaks, it is unbearable. Believe me, I do feel your pain.
Turn it over to your higher power. I had to. I told God I was so tired and that I had no control over what was happening with my daughter.
Please know that I do care, and I am so glad you landed here among friends who understand.
Sending you hugs of support from rainy Kansas this evening!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I didn't expect this to last this long...I thought he would go over there and be miserable and come home with a new attitude. jokes on me....
the message made no sense but was so over the line disrespectful I was floored. I did not respond but my feelings have been so hurt that I have been crying since.
I know it is petty and stupid but it is killing me. To have him there hating me so much when I have been the only one that has been there for him...when his dad has repeatedly showed him he can not be counted on ....Im so hurt.
Keep calm.
Your son is doing what he can get away with. It is not personal.
Reaching out and telling him you love him is for you, remember he may not want to hear that right now.
I am so sorry for your pain. Please find ways to take care of you. You want to show healthy to your son. Yes?
Beth
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Wow Freedom...apparently, we have the same daughter!!!!!!!!! Same age and everything you went through, I went through, minus the foster home etc.
my3sonsnme, I lived through the disrespect and vile language for many many years. My story is a bit different as to the reasons she was the way she was. But, now that she is doing so well, and has turned into a lovely person, we have talked about all those rough times. She said that even though she never showed it, she knew I loved her and would always love her, and she knew that when she was finally ready to let go of her defiance and abusiveness, that I would still be there loving her.
I share this because even if he is not showing it, your loving foundation is still in there somewhere in him. Even if he does not show it now, I really believe that he will come to see that you are the one that really does love him and show it by your actions.
I remember how utterly despondent I was when my daughter was so awful to me and chose to live with her alcoholic, abusive father. It took a very short time when he called me at 6:00 am one morning and told me he was on the way to my house with her, bag and baggage. She saw who he really was after living with him...I think your son will see the same eventually.
Keep reaching out for all the support you can for yourself. I will pray that our higher power, I believe God, will oversee this to play out to the best possible outcome for you and your son. Hang in there.
my3sonsnme, I lived through the disrespect and vile language for many many years. My story is a bit different as to the reasons she was the way she was. But, now that she is doing so well, and has turned into a lovely person, we have talked about all those rough times. She said that even though she never showed it, she knew I loved her and would always love her, and she knew that when she was finally ready to let go of her defiance and abusiveness, that I would still be there loving her.
I share this because even if he is not showing it, your loving foundation is still in there somewhere in him. Even if he does not show it now, I really believe that he will come to see that you are the one that really does love him and show it by your actions.
I remember how utterly despondent I was when my daughter was so awful to me and chose to live with her alcoholic, abusive father. It took a very short time when he called me at 6:00 am one morning and told me he was on the way to my house with her, bag and baggage. She saw who he really was after living with him...I think your son will see the same eventually.
Keep reaching out for all the support you can for yourself. I will pray that our higher power, I believe God, will oversee this to play out to the best possible outcome for you and your son. Hang in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
I washed my face and made myself go to a meeting, thinking it would help. It didn't...but at least I got out of the house and managed to hole it together for an hour while I was there.
Im really beating myself up over this....
Im really beating myself up over this....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Please stop beating yourself up over this.
Your son is behaving badly.
what did you do that you deserve a beatdown?
I do not understand that.
Can you say here on the board what it is you did that you deserve to beat yourself up?
Beth
Your son is behaving badly.
what did you do that you deserve a beatdown?
I do not understand that.
Can you say here on the board what it is you did that you deserve to beat yourself up?
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
I guess that is what Im doing...is trying to figure out what it is that I did to make him so comfortable being so disrespectful to me. Im probably playing a little bit of the victim also...why me??!!..I tend to go there. Why didn't I handle my XAHs drinking better, Why did he have an affair, Why is my son now so hateful to me??
Im going to go do some reading in Courage to Change and get some sleep...tomorrow is another day....
Im going to go do some reading in Courage to Change and get some sleep...tomorrow is another day....
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by my3sonsnme 
I washed my face and made myself go to a meeting, thinking it would help. It didn't...but at least I got out of the house and managed to hole it together for an hour while I was there.
Im really beating myself up over this....
Im really beating myself up over this....
i can understand that but remember your son is not apart from you...hes a teen going through things, its not you. its the things his father created and this new gf is nothing , not his mom, not his friend, nothing.
your his mom, always will be, he loves you but hes a teenager in a mix of emotions.thats it.
best to you.
and honestly being over there, hes probably wanting to reconnect with his father on some level (thats natural for teen boys with their dads) but some of the anger hes experiencing may be due to seeing his dad with this new woman as well. remember your son is YOUR son, YOUR his mom.....my ah's parents divorced , his father had an affair and he nor his sibling liked the new woman...anger and frustration instrude because of that as well.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Originally Posted by my3sonsnme
I guess that is what Im doing...is trying to figure out what it is that I did to make him so comfortable being so disrespectful to me. Im probably playing a little bit of the victim also...why me??!!..I tend to go there. Why didn't I handle my XAHs drinking better, Why did he have an affair, Why is my son now so hateful to me??
Im going to go do some reading in Courage to Change and get some sleep...tomorrow is another day....
Im going to go do some reading in Courage to Change and get some sleep...tomorrow is another day....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear my3sons---I implore you not to take on guilt for this.
Reason 1) It is unfair to you and causes you needless suffering--you have suffered enough!
Reason 2) Your feeling "guilty" will do nothing to help your son.
Reason 3) Your husband will pick up on it and try to push your "guilt" buttons even harder.
There are many things that influence a teen boy's behavior (besides a mother) including genetic, biologic, and cultural influences. It became popular to blame the mother for literally everything regarding their children---stemming from the work, in the 1920's of the very popular Behavioralist--John P. Watson---and, later Bruno Bettelheim. It seems like we have been doing it ever since!!
Add to the popularity of "mother bashing", the tendency of some of us to absorb guilt like a sponge (as a result of our own issues)---that is enough guilt to choke a horse.
Actually, there are some researchers on the subject of adolescents who propose that the peer and social influences on late teens is much more influential than anything else (Judith Rich Harris), including the parents, at this time in their development. I tend to believe that there is a lot of truth in this. At least, I think we can say that a child's teen behavior is multi-factoral and quite complicated. To assume that this is stemming completely from some thing you have done is just too unjust.
You know that you love your son; I know that you love your son; way down deep--he knows it too. You are just the convenient person to project all of his angry feelings on to.
So, for all of the above reasons--please stop beating up on yourself.
I must add that I have done more than my share of the same thing--and it has never helped me one bit--and, I still never came u p with a good answer, anyway!
sincerely, dandylion
Reason 1) It is unfair to you and causes you needless suffering--you have suffered enough!
Reason 2) Your feeling "guilty" will do nothing to help your son.
Reason 3) Your husband will pick up on it and try to push your "guilt" buttons even harder.
There are many things that influence a teen boy's behavior (besides a mother) including genetic, biologic, and cultural influences. It became popular to blame the mother for literally everything regarding their children---stemming from the work, in the 1920's of the very popular Behavioralist--John P. Watson---and, later Bruno Bettelheim. It seems like we have been doing it ever since!!
Add to the popularity of "mother bashing", the tendency of some of us to absorb guilt like a sponge (as a result of our own issues)---that is enough guilt to choke a horse.
Actually, there are some researchers on the subject of adolescents who propose that the peer and social influences on late teens is much more influential than anything else (Judith Rich Harris), including the parents, at this time in their development. I tend to believe that there is a lot of truth in this. At least, I think we can say that a child's teen behavior is multi-factoral and quite complicated. To assume that this is stemming completely from some thing you have done is just too unjust.
You know that you love your son; I know that you love your son; way down deep--he knows it too. You are just the convenient person to project all of his angry feelings on to.
So, for all of the above reasons--please stop beating up on yourself.
I must add that I have done more than my share of the same thing--and it has never helped me one bit--and, I still never came u p with a good answer, anyway!
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I just wanted to let you know that I'm awfully sorry for what you are going through.
I think hearing through texts or however you communicate that you love him while setting the limits and being very clear that he cannot talk to you that way and how much it pains you - these messages need to get repeated and clearly.
After I sent AH packing I heard a lot of angry words from my teens, and they were so cold and disrespectful. It was worse than AH's abuse in the way it hit me so deeply. But I keep correcting them and talking to them.
Things are really improving! They get it! It took strength, perserverance and a willingness to put my whole self out there to them. I am sure the neighbors hate me sometimes because there have been a few very emotional scenes. And It hasn't always been pretty. But they want to see what I am made of and that I am real, as well as strong and loving.
I am in no way saying that you haven't done that already. Or that things won't get worse with mine!
Maybe I am wrong, but my first instinct, not knowing your situation, would be to go to your son and have a good heart to heart with him. Or write him. Something.
He is probably feeling really alone, too. And wanting you to get him out of there.
They need to know constantly that we are there.
I think hearing through texts or however you communicate that you love him while setting the limits and being very clear that he cannot talk to you that way and how much it pains you - these messages need to get repeated and clearly.
After I sent AH packing I heard a lot of angry words from my teens, and they were so cold and disrespectful. It was worse than AH's abuse in the way it hit me so deeply. But I keep correcting them and talking to them.
Things are really improving! They get it! It took strength, perserverance and a willingness to put my whole self out there to them. I am sure the neighbors hate me sometimes because there have been a few very emotional scenes. And It hasn't always been pretty. But they want to see what I am made of and that I am real, as well as strong and loving.
I am in no way saying that you haven't done that already. Or that things won't get worse with mine!
Maybe I am wrong, but my first instinct, not knowing your situation, would be to go to your son and have a good heart to heart with him. Or write him. Something.
He is probably feeling really alone, too. And wanting you to get him out of there.
They need to know constantly that we are there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
My3sonsnme, I am so sorry for your pain. I grew up with an out of control brother and as a codie absorbed a lot of my mom's immense hurt and sadness over him. So I can imagine very well how painful it is to love someone so deeply, and have them attack you with such anger.
I'm not sure what advice to give you except to keep working on your own recovery. It is the base out of which anything healthy must come. Your son needs to see you strong right now.
My thoughts are with you. Hang in there, his anger won't last forever.
I'm not sure what advice to give you except to keep working on your own recovery. It is the base out of which anything healthy must come. Your son needs to see you strong right now.
My thoughts are with you. Hang in there, his anger won't last forever.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
well...I wrote him a letter and sent it threw email..just told him that it was not exceptable for him to disrespect me that being said I loved him and just wanted him to be happy and that if he wanted to talk he could call me and we could go talk that I would always be here for him.
He responded with another awful attack...saying I was getting what I deserved and that he would be over to get the rest of his things and that I couldn't stop him...this is after his dad told me he had to go looking for him because he took off last night and didn't come home...he didn't find him until 2am. He is 16, and out of control.
That was the last timeI will contact him. The thing is I am moving in 5 weeks to Alabama to be with my family. He had originally been very excited about this and his dad is fine with it. its been planned for some time. Now Its looking like I will be leaving the state without him. That is terrifying ....
This is way more then I bargained for and not at all what I expected. He has never acted like this before...towards his Dad yes, but this is completely new behavior towards me. I have always put his needs first ....Im not that uninvolved parent ...I don't deserve this from him and Im not going to take it. Im so angry right now!!!!! I did not cause this and Im so mad that his dad is just sitting back watching this and doing nothing!!!
He responded with another awful attack...saying I was getting what I deserved and that he would be over to get the rest of his things and that I couldn't stop him...this is after his dad told me he had to go looking for him because he took off last night and didn't come home...he didn't find him until 2am. He is 16, and out of control.
That was the last timeI will contact him. The thing is I am moving in 5 weeks to Alabama to be with my family. He had originally been very excited about this and his dad is fine with it. its been planned for some time. Now Its looking like I will be leaving the state without him. That is terrifying ....
This is way more then I bargained for and not at all what I expected. He has never acted like this before...towards his Dad yes, but this is completely new behavior towards me. I have always put his needs first ....Im not that uninvolved parent ...I don't deserve this from him and Im not going to take it. Im so angry right now!!!!! I did not cause this and Im so mad that his dad is just sitting back watching this and doing nothing!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Wow...what a tough thing to deal with.
Why is my son now so hateful to me??
Probably because you are the only safe person to vent his feelings to. Notice I said feelings--not words. I found with my daughter that the issue was never what she was saying, whatever problem she perceived...it was all about the feelings she was venting-and they were really heinous.
I once asked my daughter why during those horrendous times did she treat me so awful. She told me that I was the only one that was listening. She also said she could not vent the vile feelings she was having to her father--it would become a violent fight between them. So she used me as her personal whipping post. I cannot express to you how awful it was and I cannot believe I lived through it. But I did. And you will too.
You are a good mom. Do the best you can to stay the course. It does not matter that you are moving....when he is ready, he will call for a plane ticket!
Why is my son now so hateful to me??
Probably because you are the only safe person to vent his feelings to. Notice I said feelings--not words. I found with my daughter that the issue was never what she was saying, whatever problem she perceived...it was all about the feelings she was venting-and they were really heinous.
I once asked my daughter why during those horrendous times did she treat me so awful. She told me that I was the only one that was listening. She also said she could not vent the vile feelings she was having to her father--it would become a violent fight between them. So she used me as her personal whipping post. I cannot express to you how awful it was and I cannot believe I lived through it. But I did. And you will too.
You are a good mom. Do the best you can to stay the course. It does not matter that you are moving....when he is ready, he will call for a plane ticket!
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