Why Isn't He Sorry? I Ask, as I Run Away
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Pippi- what a tearful post. It is such a good question. If they only would apologize.
But with my EXAG, she always apologized. She would say she was so sorry for drinking last week, as she is on the other end of the phone with a drink in her hand. She apologized for cheating in me and after hanging up calls the other guy. It was one empty apology after another.
What I have learned is that apologies without remorse, or corresponding supporting actions, are truly a waste of breath.
But with my EXAG, she always apologized. She would say she was so sorry for drinking last week, as she is on the other end of the phone with a drink in her hand. She apologized for cheating in me and after hanging up calls the other guy. It was one empty apology after another.
What I have learned is that apologies without remorse, or corresponding supporting actions, are truly a waste of breath.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Thanks so much for your post. I also loved reading it.. it touches on so much that is baffling about living in an alcoholic situation. I identified with the grandiosity, the "best defense is an offense" strategy, the mind-boggling lack of recognition that there was anything hurtful done and lack of accountability for the demise of a relationship. Lately I've frequently been in the same situation when I simply expected a morning apology and ... nothing.
One recent example was when he went on an overnight business trip that wound up being three nights, with no phone call, no response to my calls.. nothing. When he got home, nothing, no apology, no explanation. I asked him for one and he simply offered some crazy story about the valet people losing his car key.
I draw on Byron Katie when it comes to that because I know I have to accept certain things--like accepting that I'm not getting any validation, apology, or sympathy for what I perceive as wrongs. Byron Katie would tell me, in response to my statement that "He should offer me an apology," that he shouldn't offer an apology because he didn't. I know that sounds like a crazy brain twister, and I've read her rationale over and over and over and now I'm finally getting it. That's reality. He didn't apologize, so I stop looking for water when the well is dry.
One recent example was when he went on an overnight business trip that wound up being three nights, with no phone call, no response to my calls.. nothing. When he got home, nothing, no apology, no explanation. I asked him for one and he simply offered some crazy story about the valet people losing his car key.
I draw on Byron Katie when it comes to that because I know I have to accept certain things--like accepting that I'm not getting any validation, apology, or sympathy for what I perceive as wrongs. Byron Katie would tell me, in response to my statement that "He should offer me an apology," that he shouldn't offer an apology because he didn't. I know that sounds like a crazy brain twister, and I've read her rationale over and over and over and now I'm finally getting it. That's reality. He didn't apologize, so I stop looking for water when the well is dry.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Pippi, I believe that you are a double winner here with your AH. He is an alcoholic, but behind that he is a disturbed and abusive man, most likely a narcissist. Most likely that came first, and the alcohol exacerbates it.
He has no conscience, no integrity, no sense of values. Everything is about HIM and will always be about HIM. He will manipulate anything and everything to further his own needs...
There is no fairness to living with a man like this. There is no justice because they can't ever really comprehend that have done anything at all that hurts someone else. From my experience, I just don't believe that they have the capacity for any empathy whatsoever. It's just missing.
He can't be sorry. To be sorry you have to understand that someone else has feelings that are different than yours, and he just doesn't have the emotional wiring to do that.
He has no conscience, no integrity, no sense of values. Everything is about HIM and will always be about HIM. He will manipulate anything and everything to further his own needs...
There is no fairness to living with a man like this. There is no justice because they can't ever really comprehend that have done anything at all that hurts someone else. From my experience, I just don't believe that they have the capacity for any empathy whatsoever. It's just missing.
He can't be sorry. To be sorry you have to understand that someone else has feelings that are different than yours, and he just doesn't have the emotional wiring to do that.
Eventually I accepted this: I may always struggle with money and never get that feeling of financial stability (which may be a larksong as it turns out!), while my exes will not. My exes may always have nice houses, nice cars, and nice vacations. I will never get a real apology from either of them even though I suffered with their crap for years. YEARS!
But! I will have the satisfaction of being self-sufficient, the joy of knowing true love and friendship, good relationships with my family (of origin and of choice!) and my children, and the empowerment of having left abuse to piece myself back together and rise from the ashes. I will have peace in my life.
I may never trust myself to find another man, but oh ******* well, with my track record.
They will never have this. They will always be beholden to enabling, wealthy parents. Their friends aren't real friends, but people with weak boundaries. Their love relationships, as I've experienced, are self-serving and shallow. Whatever gains they make are empty and elusive, unless they also find recovery and peace in their lives.
I believe this with every bone in my body. It's not about vengeance or about "living well is the best revenge," it's that now that I've done the emotional heavy lifting, I know my truth.
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