PippiLngstockng

Why does STBX get into a rage with me afterwards? After he's been cruel and later has consequences to face?

I wish I had at least married a nice, apologetic, obvious drunk like some of you.

I'm joking, and it isn't very funny. Maybe to get your attention. I don't know. I do know that none of us in this space are having it easy. But this is the thing here. This is my past.

Going back to a time a few years ago. Before I understood things. One day, say, AH gets into a scary mood. It's a time when he's been drinking a lot. One night, he pushes me to the ground, says cruel things, scares me and doesn't let me escape the room. I finally get past him after some effort, and I call a friend. I'm shaking and crying, crouched on the floor in the corner of the pantry with my body holding the door shut and clutching the phone with both hands. My friends doesn't know what to do. She calls the police. AH gets in trouble. Has to leave the house, maybe spend a night in jail.

Next day, he arrives at the crack of dawn and wants to get in the house as soon as possible. He cries and wants my sympathy because it has been so hard for him. He is just a nice, nice guy trying to give me everything I want. Everyone, he says, sees what a helpful husband and what a good father he is. What a fine house he provides. And everyone also knows that I am a very difficult woman.

I feel badly for him. His tears surprise me. Obviously, he is kind man. Kind men cry and are distraught. He seems powerless, defenseless even. While I am deliberating, he tells his sad story to the neighbors. And the children. And to my good friends. Next thing you know, I'm the bad guy.

So, everyone feels sorry for him. I'm in the house doing the laundry, feeding the children, getting everyone dressed and ready for their day. I feel like I have no one to turn to. Except for my mother. So I call her.

He wants back in the house. People pressure me to let him back in and to stop being so mean to him.

A few days go by. He is back in the house, but I haven't forgotten. He hasn't apologized for mistreating me, because he's not in the wrong. I am. Now he is furious with me for not forgetting. He says that I hold grudges. He does something unthoughtful. It's my birthday and he hasn't gotten me a present. Or friends come over and he goes out of his way to entertain them, ignoring me while I am in the house preparing food for the guests and watching the children. He shows off, helping the women with their young children. Carrying their babies around. Inside, I am overwhelmed with the pain of being forgotten, especially since he had just recently been so cruel to me and yet I tried to get over things and let us all return to our normal family life.

Later that night, I express my feelings. I cry and I yell. He yells back. We fight. Intensely.

He starts yelling angrily and in a loud voice, intentionally so that the children can hear his words. He is furious because "I" called the police earlier that week. The children are shaken. They beg me to stop arguing with their father and let it go.

Years go by, there are other fights, other incidents. I don't call the police because it hurt my husband so and every time there's friction, he starts bringing it up and makes me feel guilty. Still, I don't forget. AH is bitter because I haven't forgotten. I keep a watchful eye on him. I worry about his drinking. Worry about the finances. But I try not to say anything to upset him. I avoid him.

The neighbors and my friends think I am spoiled in my big house with my husband who helps me so much and takes the family on nice trips. They wish they had my easy life. We live in the countryside, where we are more well off than most of our friends.

Sometimes, AH does something forgetful. Say, he doesn't remember to buckle the children into their seatbelts. Then I say something to him. I feel like a horrible nag, but I have to speak up. He yells, "why don't you call the police like you always do? See children, she is going to call the police on your father again and Daddy will have to go to jail like he did before!" Then the children think that I am mean for being mad at Daddy for not fastening their seatbelts.

I meant this to be a quick question. But then I started remembering my old life in the States. The one I have recently escaped.

Part of me remains hurt and angry with the people that I used to have in my life. The ones that my husband said thought me so difficult and my husband so kind. I don't want to go back to them. I've left our family home behind. I'm a million miles away making a new life for myself. But the house still holds all of our family possessions, our photos, our memories. Our furniture, paintings, the cats and the piano. The antique dressers I picked out, one with each pregnancy for each child. The hand painted murals, the cozy nooks and hidden spaces for the children to play. All the daffodils I planted will be in full bloom now.

My husband lives there, alone, or with a girlfriend. I do not know. But it's a six bedroom house and he has declared that he is too rich to share it with a housemate. The gardens are likely choked with weeds. The roof leaks and last summer I saw how the rain comes right in through a hole straight into the living room onto the wide pine flooring.

Yes, but what was my question? Right. Why he is in such a fury because he wronged me. And when he came at me he traumatised the children. They were so afraid. He never apologized. To me or the children. Instead, we are meant to act as though everything is normal. It was just a tiff. But I took out a restraining order. So he wants to punish me. I'm not doing what I am supposed to do. He's hiding the money. Controlling what little I get. Declaring himself king of our former family home. Ignoring court orders. Refusing to acknowledge the truth. Furious with me for every step I make to take back my life.

Why couldn't he just be sorry?

firebolt

He isn't sorry because he isn't a good person.

I'm so sorry. Look at what an amazing human being this all has helped make you into though. THAT is why he is in a rage - he sees it too - and he wants to do everything in his power to make you anything but the great person you are.

If he succeeds at that, then all the lies he tells everyone and himself will be true. Then he can feel better about himself - which he, and anyone who sees him for who he is, truly loathes. (((Hugs)))

FireSprite

I'm in tears after reading your post.

I don't know the answer to your question, but I would guess that facing himself & owning the Truth is much more intimidating & humiliating than just keeping up his facade.

Amazing to me how they would rather hurt their OWN CHILDREN than face themselves.

fourmaggie

alcoholics--this is what they do love...its all about them and that damn drink...

i pray that one day your resentment on this will disappear...because: you will NEVER get that sorry...even if you beg for it...this is a good time for forgiveness for YOU....this can make you sick...ps...i never got "I'm sorry either" but i know better now....

but i will

I am SORRY for your pain...

skippernlilg

Nothing gets in between his bottle and him. Nothing. That's why he isn't sorry.

fedup3

Pippi, I'm so sorry for what you've gone through and still are going through but when you close the door of your house at night is there Peace? THATS PRICELESS!

kudzujean

"Amazing to me how they would rather hurt their OWN CHILDREN than face themselves. "

You said that right, sister! And they'd rather hurt their own children just to be mean to their spouse. That's what my biological father did.

Tuffgirl

Yes^^^ this^^^.

myfreedom

They don't apologize because in their eyes, they did no wrong. We are in the wrong, making them angry, ignoring them, nagging, and whatever else they can come up with. you will NEVER be right in their eyes. They have to make us look bad so they feel better about themselves. It is a nonstop cyle. One I have been on for twelve years and getting ready to get away from it all. Take care of you and your children. He will only change if and when he is ready.

Maylie

He isn't sorry because he is irrational, drunk, self-centered, egotistical, and in denial.

Also, he most likely believes all the lies he tells everyone and the fact that they are feeding into his BS makes it all the more real to him. He lives in a delusional world and i'm sure all those people that believe his stories keep comforting him and only feeding even more into his delusion.

You'll never get a sorry and it is best for you to move on. Look at the positives in your life and just be grateful that you got out of there and you have left the chaos behind. Have you considered going to therapy to work on processing everything you have gone through and how to let go?

NeedHappiness

oh Pippi....... I SO feel your pain and I was in tears as I read your post. I can see myself in your position, trying to do the right thing, but being ridiculed and "out-talked" in front of your kids and others. It's like a mind-game your ex is playing, at everyone else's expense. I know that feeling of disbelief as you rewind things in your head and try and figure out....."did I do something wrong here? Why am I being verbally attacked like this" Seems to me that your husband was SO embarrassed about the police taking him to jail, that he most certainly (in his mind) has to put the BLAME on someone other than himself.
Just remember...people who are around him long enough will see the truth. and I have been working on myself with the thought that "so what if they don't..... does it really matter in the long run?"
I'm very sorry you are going through all of this. This forum has helped me so many times....even if you just read others' stories and the comments. I applaud you for having the courage to step away from the toxic situation. Yes, you have left alot behind, but you have already shown you are strong. Things will get better. In the meantime, work on making yourself happy and stay around only positive people. Seek out those who make you feel good. Keep yourself busy so your mind doesn't wonder. And keep reading and posting here. Sending you a big hug

lillamy

My initial reaction to your story would be all asterisked out here so I'll try this:

He is not sorry because he has no conscience. He is not sorry because his first, second, third, and do fourth priority is GETTING TO DRINK.

It's unintelligible for a non addict like you and me how a parent and spouse can be so abusive to the people he is supposed to protect, and yet, have no remorse but instead blame it all on you.

He is damaged. Walk away, leave him behind, and the horse he rode in on. Build your life without considering what he owes you. Because chances are you'll never get it. And that's OK. Because you can do this so much better and healthier without him OR his mothereffing six room mansion. Because you love your children and have your priorities straight.

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Pippi. Have you read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft? It's helped me clear up some of the stuff AXH did/does; it talks about the tactics and different ploys abusive people use and the mentality behind an abuser's tactics.

AXH admitted during our divorce hearing that he was "not very nice" sometimes but it was because I tried to clean while he was watching games and he knows I did it on purpose or because I ____... He felt so entitled to do what ever he wanted - he still does. He feels it so strongly that I was just supposed to KNOW what he expected of me, even when it changed from day to day, minute to minute. If I had done the complete opposite, I would have been slammed for NOT doing what made him mad on that particular day. He felt so entitled that he had no problem minimizing his behavior and telling the judge I was at fault for what he did to me.

THAT, my friend, has absolutely nothing to do with his drinking. Sometimes I still waffle on whether or not he is "truly" abusive or if it was just because he'd been drinking. But recognizing that tactic from the hearing always clears it right up for me.

dandylion

Dear pippi, it is not uncommon for an abused person to seek (desire) comfort and healing from the same person who abused them. I think this is a particularly easy trap to fall into when you have been entangled in a controlling relationship to the extent that you have literally "lost yourself".

You described perfectly the cycle of abuse---trauma then a period of crying and apology, then a period of relative status -quo--then trauma again....

He sounds to me like there is m ore pathology than just alcoholism going on--like a personality disorder and complete inability to empathize or feel remorse for his actions. You are expecting something from him which he doesn't want to give and hasn't the ability to give.

You would benefit from therapy with those who specialize in abuse.

I am so sorry for the trauma that you have suffered. It is not your fault--he is an evil man---you didn't deserve such treatment.


sincerely, dandylion

Dublin

thank you for sharing all that pippi. At my alanon meeting today the topic was the first step and it helped me so much to focus again on being powerless over alcohol. I like you long for an apology or even in the absence of that to SEE that he knows he was wrong but all I get is defence and denial. I like you called the police once and there is one other time that I stood up to him in a strong way and those two things are thrown at me every argument. I just recently decided to 'let go' ever getting an apology and forgive myself for the two things he blames me for and if I have forgiven myself his blame will no longer have the power it did. It works a bit, I still slip back to old ways but more and more I give myself the forgiveness he never will and I accept that all along I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. But I'm finding recovery and I know from other posts you have written you are finding recovery too and your children are so much better off with a strong sober stable parent who does not use them to win arguments. Other people may never see him for who he really is but you know and you know that he is powerless over alcohol too and unless he does something about it his disease is going only one way. It has already lost him his family.

Keep strong.

4MyBoys

Pippi,

Your story sounds very familar to what I am going through right now. I have been asked over and over recently, "You understand you were abused?" It has taken so many councelors to help me understand that I was. I just kept blaming the alcohol. Because how can I, someone who has such a sucessful husband and life be an abused wife? Sometimes they are just abusers who drink. It didn't come out until he started drinking but still.......

We had it all also, a 40 acre horse estate. All the toys, nice things, lots of trips...but I know I love my life so much more now. I love having peace, my kids have consistancy and stability, we may not be able to go on big vacations anymore but we are happy, we laugh a lot. My STBXAH has the house and all the stuff (I plan on taking my half soon) but you know what, he is alone.

Everytime I take a step forward in my new life, he lashes out. That is most likely what is happening to you. Try to look at the situation differently. Everytime he is a jerk, tell yourself you must being things doing things right and he is threatened.

Let me get off my soapbox for a minute. What was your original question? Oh, yeah, why can't he just be sorry? He probrobly isn't. Why should he say it, if he isn't sorry. I know my STBXAH has worked it out in his head so that he is wronged by me and that all he has done is for the good of the family. I think he really believes that. Letting go of wanting the apology gets easier with time. I now understand his brain just will never see what really happened in our marriage.

4MyBoys

my3sonsnme

I never experienced this kind of abuse with my XAH but Im sending you hugs because I know how it feels to want them to be sorry...and know that they never will be.
(((hugs my friend))))

ShootingStar1

Pippi, I believe that you are a double winner here with your AH. He is an alcoholic, but behind that he is a disturbed and abusive man, most likely a narcissist. Most likely that came first, and the alcohol exacerbates it.

He has no conscience, no integrity, no sense of values. Everything is about HIM and will always be about HIM. He will manipulate anything and everything to further his own needs.

Putting an ocean between him and you and your kids is the best thing you can do. Make those lawyers get tough on your behalf.

There is no fairness to living with a man like this. There is no justice because they can't ever really comprehend that have done anything at all that hurts someone else. From my experience, I just don't believe that they have the capacity for any empathy whatsoever. It's just missing.

He can't be sorry. To be sorry you have to understand that someone else has feelings that are different than yours, and he just doesn't have the emotional wiring to do that.

I am so sorry for all your pain, and all the grief he has given you and your kids for so long. It is beyond imaginable, barely bearable. But you are bearing it, you are making own way, you are making choices that will let your children be healthy, and you are a hero!

ShootingStar1

fairlyuncertain

Your post is a treasure. I've been there, and you put it so well.

We are social creatures, and we live in relation to those around us. When our main source of affection, validation, and intimacy is a critter with an alcohol pickle for a brain, we can start to feel a little crazy ourselves.

Alcoholics are inducing their own insanity, every day. Even the founder of AA casually writes about A's as incredibly self-centered selfish beings. WHile active in their disease, they have nothing to give, in any consistent way (other than grief).

Don't expect an apology. If you get one, don't expect it to mean anything. al anon and groups like that can help you get to a point where, no matter what an A might say or do, you will be living a joyful life on your own terms. Glad you have that ocean between you, though!

Thumper

Pippi I can't add to what has already been said but just wanted to let you know I read your post. It is so heartfelt. You did not deserve any of that abuse and you don't deserve the abuse now. I'm so glad you are away from him now and on the path to the life you have a right to. You are free, and I know that one day, you will feel like it. **{hug}}