myfreedom

I haven't been on here since December when I filed a PFA on myAH, which I ended up dropping. Alittle update; I have found a job that I love. They are supposed to hire me on as I started as a temp. Money will be better then. AH has cut back some on drinking and has been trying to be nicer to me. I can not say the same. I have been very cold and distant. He thinks we can start over and let go of the past. I can not let go of everything he has done to me. I am to the point now where I feel NOTHING for him. But then he wiggles his way in and tries to make me feel guilty. Friday evening I think his true colors once again shown thru. He was drinking and angry becuz of how I have been treating him. Says I don't communicate with him. Well he said he is going to take my meds from me, that I take for anxiety and migraines becuz they make me crazy and jacked up becuz I never sit and talk to him. I am constantly doing stuff at home. Whatever!!!!!! Maybe you should try taking some meds. Well he started pounding on the kitchen table. Went down in garage for alittle to drink a couple more. Started a fire out back which my 8 yr old was out with him, then the neighbor boy came over. Well he comes in the house, leaving them out there alone. He wanted to "talk" to me. I wasn't answering him, and said I won't talk to him now. He starts getting angry and kneels down in front of me yelling. I told him that he is making no sense, to go out and check on the boys. He says they are fine. Keeps yelling and grabs my arms, spit is flying out his mouth while yelling. He keeps saying f*** you, and I need to get out. Then whips his hat at me and slams the basement door. My son has now gone to the neighbors. I went to go outside and he follows. Go back in and he says if I walk out the door, not to come back. Told him I was running for cigs. I barely steeped out the door and he slammed it on me. Got my son and we went to my mom's for the night. Think he passed out. Next day he acted like nothing wrong happened, I made him angry so that is why he was mean. Today I am angry. Part of me wants to do another PFA and make him get out until I have the money to move. Make him give me support. Part of me says no. He thinks if I leave that we are going to do 50/50 with the kids. He starts work at 6am, I start at 8am. Kids woould be alone quite awhile in the morning. He still has not gotten his license back yet from his 2nd DUI, and still drinks and drives. How can I give him 50/50?

gmanriley

Get out of this marriage ASAP. Get away from the madness and start a new, sane, healthy life. It's now or never.

Dublin

I don't know ypur past situation but I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you any support - alanon or family? You should not have to live with that. Please mind yourself and your children and stay safe. I hope you find the strength you need to get through this. As long as he is drinking experience would suggest things will only get worse not better unless he is looking to quit and find recovery. Even if you can't leave now maybe it would help to put some things in place for if you did ever have to leave or need him to leave. You could start looking at options, setting up support structures child care etc and have some money put aside for emergencies.

Mind yourself, be good to yourself and if you don't already go, find an alanon meeting.

LexieCat

I hope you will get another PFA. I've worked in the DV field for many years, and you are not safe and neither is your son.

Please contact an advocate to do some safety planning, whether you get another order or not.

myfreedom

That is the only thing I can do right now to get away from him. I don't have the money to move and when we are together all he does is hound me that we can make this work if i talk to him and love him. I can't do that or do not want to. I hate making him get out of HIS house but I don't know how much longer I can handle this before I accidentally make him choke on something when he is passed out drunk!!!!!!

AnvilheadII

get out to somewhere safe. whatever you have to do. he is DANGEROUS and neither you nor your son are safe. alcohol is NOT his only problem.

dandylion

Dear myfreedom, talking to a DV advocate would be the first step--for several reasons. First of all, you and your son are not safe. The violence tend to accelerate--as does the drinking.

Second--talking to an advocate can only help you. You will not be judged or obligated to do anything that you don't want to. They can help you with safe planning, and they have all the resources at their disposal. They deal with this stuff every day. They are like having a trusted best friend that has your best interest at heart.

Once you have some direction in your mind---you will feel much more courageous.

sincerely, dandylion

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Myfreedom.

AXH would tell me often that things would be great if I would just not be hurt or angry about what he'd pulled before, didn't I love him? But he kept doing the same stuff over and over and over. And he'd tell me he was sorry, but things would be better if I just let it go. And he'd keep on... and he'd say.... and he'd keep on...

I tried so hard to let it go, to grow a thicker skin. However, it's one thing to let go of past behavior, to forgive it, and to work together on repairing the relationship. It's a completely different story when the scary, nasty, abusive behavior keeps on occuring. One can't let go of the hurt, fear, and/or anger when you're right in the middle of the same nightmare.

I can completely understand this. I felt so bad leaving and taking our son away from AXH. But it was HIS behavior that necessitated the change in living arrangements. I had to protect myself and DS, and ultimately I had to push through that feeling of guilt in order to do so.

Please know you have every right to be somewhere safe and in no way have to "let it go". Wishing you peace and continued strength.

SolTraveler

You know, I hate to tell anyone what to do. I am with an ABF myself, so I know why sometimes the time isn't right. But your husband is getting violent, and you must draw the line for yourself and for your children. Please consider getting the he** out of there. Violence only tends to escalate.

Rosiepetal

Sounds like he's playing the blame game to me.
Ensure you & your son are safe.
Alcoholism is progressive so it will only get worse.

myfreedom

Everytime I mention his drinking and anger he always says that I am not perfect either and I do things that he doesn't like but he does not give up. Thinks a marriage counselor will fix us. I just don't wanna try anymore.

Bluegalangal

I don't know if it's any help, but it helped me. Lundy Bancroft says - he's not abusive because he's angry. He's angry because he's abusive.

You didn't do any thing to cause him to ABUSE you. It doesn't matter how angry he is: abuse is NOT the answer. It is HIS choice to act in an abusive manner. He would and will act that way no matter how "perfect" you are, because HE IS ABUSIVE.

dandylion

Dear myfreedom, you do not have to have his agreement. He will never agree with you--he will never say "I understand, because you are right and I am wrong".

In the end, you have to put your own (and children's) welfare first. You have to be your authentic self and true to how you feel down in your soul. You can never sacrifice your true self to someone else just because they are better than you in a "debate".

Keep your power--you are just as important in this world as he is.

sincerely, dandylion

myfreedom

Well AH is now once again in sorry mode. He actually made an appt. for a therapist for his anger issues. Says I should see one, too. Then go together for the marriage. Doesn't seemed concerned about his drinking. Trying to make me think with work that we can be happpy again and we need to atleast try. Am I wrong, I don't want to try anymore. I just want to get out and make a better life, alone?

theuncertainty

No. You're not wrong.

wanttobehealthy

The best defense for an alcoholic (or any toxic person) is a good offense.

You are stating that you won't be treated as he behaves and he points his finger at you about your "issues". He is going to therapy but suggests you go too.

CLASSIC alcoholic behavior.

These two articles I found a few years ago and they really opened my eyes to the fact that the crazy making nonsense my AH said to me was utter bs.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Excuses Alcoholics Make

On a separate note, if he has no license and you KNOW he is driving and drinking too on top of that, I sugges you call the police.

dandylion

Dear myfreedom, If you would...please go back and read my posts on this thread---and really think about the words. He is not more important than you are--you are not living your life for him--you are living it for you.

It is said that when someone wants to let go of something (as in a toxic relationship) and can't or are "stuck"----that they are somewhere in the fog. FOG. F=fear O=obligation G=guilt.

I have a feeling that you have a case of the guiltys-----am I warm?

It looks, to me, that he is doing everything in his power to get you to stay as you are without him doing anything about his drinking. An alcoholic will protect their ability to still drink above anything else.

I think alanon would be tremendous support for you.

sincerely, dandylion

myfreedom

I will read your posts. Thank you

atalose

It’s like the big pink elephant in the room, he wants to throw a carpet over it, paint the walls and buy new furniture……….where you just want out of the room……NO you are not wrong, you deserve to have a better life free from the chaos of his choice to drink.

He’s making a choice and so can you!!!

myfreedom

I know he asked his sister for the name of the therapist she used. Guess he told her that I am blaming him, and not myself for anything. And that I don't think a marriage counselor will help. Her response, " Positive thinking, sheez, wth?" So I will be the bad guy for not trying when he is willing. Well he has been doing this therapy crap three or four times now. He waits around a couple weeks till I am more relaxed and then slowly progresses back to himself. Why would this time be any different???