Feeling very alone...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 44
Sending positive thoughts and wishes your way. I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are a good mom. He will come around, but it must be in his own time, and I know that's terrible for your mother heart to bear.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
No sleep again tonight...my son took off again from his dads house and his dad did not know where had gone. He actually by this time told me he was eating crow and was sorry because he had been telling me how everything has been so great and making it seem like there were no problems at his house with our son.
I have stayed out of all of this and sat back to see how my XAH would handle things. After about 5 hours I tried to contact him to find out if he had located our son and suddenly he was not answering his phone or text messages. After another hour I finally went over to his house to check and see if he had found him. XAH was not home but girlfriends car was there.
I then went and drove around to find my son myself....found him at a park loaded and tried to talk to him. He was still defiant and was in no condition to talk saying he was going to a friends house even after I told him that he needed to either come with me or go to his dads house. He took off and at that point I really didn't see the point in chasing him down.
I tried to contact XAH, still no answer then finally he send me a text saying just let him go and he would come home eventually that he would look for him later when he got home. Turns out he had gone to dinner with his girlfriend while he didn't even know where our son was.
After a few hours I tried to contact him again to see if our son had showed up yet...by now its pretty late...still no answer. I was worried so I drove over to XAH (hes only about 4 blocks away) When I pulled up girlfriends car is no where to be seen and my son comes out when he sees my truck. we talked for a minute (hes still being defiant and hateful) telling me he is sick of getting nagged at every day that at his dads he doesn't get chewed out for the stuff he does and that his dad doesn't care about his grades and hes tired of dealing with me.
At this point I said fine lets go talk to your dad, my son gets nervouse and I figured he was lieing about something and was nervouse for me to talk to his dad. We go up to the door and my son opens it and yells for his dad to come outside...as we are standing there I hear a woman laugh and realize that the girlfriend is in the house...its a small house you can hear everything at the front door. My XAH does not come to the door and you can hear them in the hall way like a couple of children laughing and snickering and then she says "come her and says my sons name".....OK..this is the first run in ive had with her since a year and a half ago when I caught them in our bed together...I want even sure my son had met her yet....to hear her say my sons name made me want to throw up.
Im still standing at the door, my son calls his dad again and he still does not come...at this point Im feeling like an idiot so I just turn around and leave.
I should have never got involved...I had been letting his dad deal with it but it was escalating every day and when I realized my XAH wasn't even trying to locate him because he was out on a date I felt like I had to....but I wish I hadn't. I should have just stayed out of it. I have until the first of June when I move and I guess I will just stay away and see how it plays out....the thought of leaving the state alone makes me sick. about as sick as the thought of my son over there with the woman who has a lot to do with this whole situation....talking to my son and giving him advice which Im sure she is, she has 2 teenage boys and Im sure she has all kinds of great advice given how high her morals and standards are.....
I cannot believe this is happening.....
I have stayed out of all of this and sat back to see how my XAH would handle things. After about 5 hours I tried to contact him to find out if he had located our son and suddenly he was not answering his phone or text messages. After another hour I finally went over to his house to check and see if he had found him. XAH was not home but girlfriends car was there.
I then went and drove around to find my son myself....found him at a park loaded and tried to talk to him. He was still defiant and was in no condition to talk saying he was going to a friends house even after I told him that he needed to either come with me or go to his dads house. He took off and at that point I really didn't see the point in chasing him down.
I tried to contact XAH, still no answer then finally he send me a text saying just let him go and he would come home eventually that he would look for him later when he got home. Turns out he had gone to dinner with his girlfriend while he didn't even know where our son was.
After a few hours I tried to contact him again to see if our son had showed up yet...by now its pretty late...still no answer. I was worried so I drove over to XAH (hes only about 4 blocks away) When I pulled up girlfriends car is no where to be seen and my son comes out when he sees my truck. we talked for a minute (hes still being defiant and hateful) telling me he is sick of getting nagged at every day that at his dads he doesn't get chewed out for the stuff he does and that his dad doesn't care about his grades and hes tired of dealing with me.
At this point I said fine lets go talk to your dad, my son gets nervouse and I figured he was lieing about something and was nervouse for me to talk to his dad. We go up to the door and my son opens it and yells for his dad to come outside...as we are standing there I hear a woman laugh and realize that the girlfriend is in the house...its a small house you can hear everything at the front door. My XAH does not come to the door and you can hear them in the hall way like a couple of children laughing and snickering and then she says "come her and says my sons name".....OK..this is the first run in ive had with her since a year and a half ago when I caught them in our bed together...I want even sure my son had met her yet....to hear her say my sons name made me want to throw up.
Im still standing at the door, my son calls his dad again and he still does not come...at this point Im feeling like an idiot so I just turn around and leave.
I should have never got involved...I had been letting his dad deal with it but it was escalating every day and when I realized my XAH wasn't even trying to locate him because he was out on a date I felt like I had to....but I wish I hadn't. I should have just stayed out of it. I have until the first of June when I move and I guess I will just stay away and see how it plays out....the thought of leaving the state alone makes me sick. about as sick as the thought of my son over there with the woman who has a lot to do with this whole situation....talking to my son and giving him advice which Im sure she is, she has 2 teenage boys and Im sure she has all kinds of great advice given how high her morals and standards are.....
I cannot believe this is happening.....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, just breathe.
All this running around isn't making the situation any better, is it? When you did find your son you couldn't get him to cooperate. And although you are bitter about your ex, it's kind of hard to expect him to be any more successful than you were.
It seems to me that about your options are to let it go, or to involve the court system. Here in NJ there is something for "juveniles in need of supervision," which can be invoked when kids are at risk due to a "family crisis"--which includes serious defiance of parental authority. They start out with counseling services, but if the problems remain, alternative living arrangements can be put into place.
Of course, nobody wants the State involved in their family if it can be helped. But if he is endangering himself by his behavior, it might be something to consider.
Hugs, I went through problems with my older son when he was a young teenager, and he wound up in the legal system, spending a year in a very good group home setting. The counseling and supervision there did him a lot of good, and he is a responsible young man today.
All this running around isn't making the situation any better, is it? When you did find your son you couldn't get him to cooperate. And although you are bitter about your ex, it's kind of hard to expect him to be any more successful than you were.
It seems to me that about your options are to let it go, or to involve the court system. Here in NJ there is something for "juveniles in need of supervision," which can be invoked when kids are at risk due to a "family crisis"--which includes serious defiance of parental authority. They start out with counseling services, but if the problems remain, alternative living arrangements can be put into place.
Of course, nobody wants the State involved in their family if it can be helped. But if he is endangering himself by his behavior, it might be something to consider.
Hugs, I went through problems with my older son when he was a young teenager, and he wound up in the legal system, spending a year in a very good group home setting. The counseling and supervision there did him a lot of good, and he is a responsible young man today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I should have just stayed out of it.
I want even sure my son had met her yet....to hear her say my sons name made me want to throw up.
You need help M3S. You need support of some kind for you.
You will not get it from your son, he is not mature enough and it is NOT his place to make you feel better. It is your job to raise him.
What about your other two sons?
Where are they when this ride around town is going on?
He actually by this time told me he was eating crow and was sorry because he had been telling me how everything has been so great and making it seem like there were no problems at his house with our son.
Eating crow. How nice for you and your son. Especially your son, whose parents are playing some kind of one upmanship about their own son.
As long as you blame your ex's girlfriend for how your son is behaving he will continue to behave this way. running away, and no respect for you.
the thought of leaving the state alone makes me sick. about as sick as the thought of my son over there with the woman who has a lot to do with this whole situation....talking to my son and giving him advice which Im sure she is, she has 2 teenage boys and Im sure she has all kinds of great advice given how high her morals and standards are.....
I suggest you think about that. Blaming her for your mistakes will not help your son.
Leaving the state alone? You have other children? What about them?
You are still blaming the gf?
How do you know how she raises her sons?
You do not even know her other than she slept with your husband.
Your husband was in that bed too. How high are his moral standards?
Maybe you have made a few mistakes along the way too.
Please let your son be a seventeen year old. He runs away, call the authorities. He threatens you or gets violent? Call the authorities.
He knows you won't, he knows you will drive around town making yourself sick.
He is close enough to the age where he can tell you to eff off. The only thing you have left is to treat him like the child he is and be in charge.
Otherwise you will keep getting what you have been getting.
hes tired of dealing with me.
I went thru this very thing with my ex husband. He was too much of a chicken shot to tell me he was dating someone and that someone was doing all the babysitting for him (during his visitation). The kids told me what was happening (they were K and 1st graders).
I was furiously jealous that he was allowing someone I did not know to spend time with MY children. I actually went to the Alano club and started screaming and crying about what a ******** he was to do that.
The girlfriend was holding up her hand (i gotta give her credit for this) and saying "He said you knew! He said you knew!"
I grabbed the kids up and took them home with me. I was crying and still upset. The kids (only babies, I am ashamed of myself
) told me it was alright. She was a nice lady who took care of them better than Daddy did. She played games with them and listened to them when they talked to her.I called her and apologized. I told her how sorry I was for making a scene and acting like that.
She said, "Beth, I would have done the same thing if my ex did that with my child. He (my ex) told me that you knew and were okay with it."
Then she apologized for not getting more info, she felt my ex was acting hinky about it. We exchanged phone numbers and addresses. After that, it was all good. I had to allow some one else to love my children. She did.
I know this is not the same story, but the point I am making is......get over the affair when it is about your children. Please. Leave the 17 year old out of the entire nasty business. do not assume anything about the other woman. If your son is staying over there, it would be a good idea to consider speaking to her about your son. She could be an ally, but you will not know until you find out. Once you know, you can act accordingly.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Of course, nobody wants the State involved in their family if it can be helped. But if he is endangering himself by his behavior, it might be something to consider.
Beth
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
Wicked...first, I did NOT drive him over there....when I found him (loaded) he took off running and ended up back over there...He is not 17, he just turned 16. and yes he is completely disrespectful to me and I have never allowed it and yes I get very angry...his therapist has convinced me that is no use...is causes it to go to the next level and he gets confrontational.. leaving when he gets like that was suggested by his therapist unless he gets physical then you bet your sweet a&& I would call the police...Ive done it already.
As far as my other sons....they are grown. One has cerebral palsy and is oblivious to what is going on with his brother and the other is 30 yrs old, lives in another town abut drops everything to come and deal with his brother when ever he can...he has been a huge support but the youngest is even getting defiant with him.
I do not blame the other woman for what is happening with my son...I was just exposing a wound that Im aware is petty, but wicked painful. I thought this was a safe place for me to show the petty insecure side that I now have because I caught the man I thought was going to be my partner for life in bed with this woman. Im aware its childish and I do not voice this in front of my son or show it to my XAH.but I am human..I show it here where I thought I would get some understanding.
If you read my post I stated the ONLY reason I went looking for him was because he had been missing for over 6 hours...and his father was out and was not doing what I think as a parent you should do...my opinion, but as a mother I did what I felt at the time I should have. I now regret it and wish I would have stayed out of it. I am learning .....slowly but surely. I am aware that my husband was in that bed to...painfully aware. I am also aware that he has neglected and abandoned our son and the only reason he is spending time with him now is because I forced the issue and sent him over there. before that he had seen him maybe 1-2 times every 3=4 months...if he was lucky.
Im aware that my son is a young man...but he is angry, and out of control. And I will do what ever I need to do as a mother to help him. I have lots of professionals helping me with that...I also have a mothers intuition. I am by NO MEANS leaning on my son....I was venting here, on this board to avoid that.
thank you for your thoughts...this board has been incredibly helpful getting through my divorce from my XAH and dealing with my sons issues.
As far as my other sons....they are grown. One has cerebral palsy and is oblivious to what is going on with his brother and the other is 30 yrs old, lives in another town abut drops everything to come and deal with his brother when ever he can...he has been a huge support but the youngest is even getting defiant with him.
I do not blame the other woman for what is happening with my son...I was just exposing a wound that Im aware is petty, but wicked painful. I thought this was a safe place for me to show the petty insecure side that I now have because I caught the man I thought was going to be my partner for life in bed with this woman. Im aware its childish and I do not voice this in front of my son or show it to my XAH.but I am human..I show it here where I thought I would get some understanding.
If you read my post I stated the ONLY reason I went looking for him was because he had been missing for over 6 hours...and his father was out and was not doing what I think as a parent you should do...my opinion, but as a mother I did what I felt at the time I should have. I now regret it and wish I would have stayed out of it. I am learning .....slowly but surely. I am aware that my husband was in that bed to...painfully aware. I am also aware that he has neglected and abandoned our son and the only reason he is spending time with him now is because I forced the issue and sent him over there. before that he had seen him maybe 1-2 times every 3=4 months...if he was lucky.
Im aware that my son is a young man...but he is angry, and out of control. And I will do what ever I need to do as a mother to help him. I have lots of professionals helping me with that...I also have a mothers intuition. I am by NO MEANS leaning on my son....I was venting here, on this board to avoid that.
thank you for your thoughts...this board has been incredibly helpful getting through my divorce from my XAH and dealing with my sons issues.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I am aware that my husband was in that bed to...painfully aware. I am also aware that he has neglected and abandoned our son and the only reason he is spending time with him now is because I forced the issue and sent him over there. before that he had seen him maybe 1-2 times every 3=4 months...if he was lucky.
As far as sharing your pain, I did that too.
If you are not leaning on your son what do you mean by
the thought of leaving the state alone makes me sick.
No one is begrudging your right to come here and vent about circumstances. I hear you and that is why I told my story.
I was saying in my story, it turned out better for me to leave my ex (who was not interested in the hard part of raising children) out of it.
He was not a parent any more and she was nice but not their mother.
I had to call the cops on my own daughter. She went to a detention facility because of her use of drugs and being out after a court ordered curfew.
Asking the government to step in to help me with my children sucked bad.
I am not sorry I did it. Because my punishments has no effect on her.
She would climb out her window and go out anyway.
She would leave school to get high with guys that were old enough to buy alcohol.
She was out of my control and her dad had moved to Louisiana to avoid paying child support.
If you are feeling judged, it was not by me.
I am sorry for that. I will not share my experiences with out of control teens with you after this post.
I thought you were talking about your son and the trouble you were having with him being respectful.
I shared how my jealousy over the affair nearly blinded me to what was best for the children.
I hope you find some peace with your son and your situation.
Beth
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
I have lots of professionals helping me with that...I also have a mothers intuition. I am by NO MEANS leaning on my son....I was venting here, on this board to avoid that.
My3sonsnme, you just keep venting away, that's what a forum like this is for. I respect and admire you for doing everything you can for your son. He is at a rebellious age and his father is feuling the fire and enjoying your pain and could care less about what consequences your son my suffer because of his actions. Please don't be discouraged, and keep posting. Rootin for ya.
My3sonsnme, you just keep venting away, that's what a forum like this is for. I respect and admire you for doing everything you can for your son. He is at a rebellious age and his father is feuling the fire and enjoying your pain and could care less about what consequences your son my suffer because of his actions. Please don't be discouraged, and keep posting. Rootin for ya.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
My relationship with my 17 year old son is very strained too, sounds similar to your situation, except he's currently(not for much longer though) living with his ex-girlfriend. I sent him to his father's after I woke up to him feeling under my pillow for my vehicle keys one night. Between that, and money constantly disappearing, his refusal to get a job, picking on his younger siblings, etc. I just couldn't hack it anymore. I feel guilty about how long I stayed in the marriage too, thinking his behavior wouldn't be like this if I'd just gotten away with him sooner.
Just had to add, he WAS living with his father(so still currently his father's responsibility) until he was evicted and moved into his mom's basement. My son didn't want to live there, so son's ex-gf let him move in with her. it is not going well, and I am making phone calls this week to get him into the system. It sucks, but I have too. the only proper thing he's doing right now is going to GED classes 2x a week.
Just had to add, he WAS living with his father(so still currently his father's responsibility) until he was evicted and moved into his mom's basement. My son didn't want to live there, so son's ex-gf let him move in with her. it is not going well, and I am making phone calls this week to get him into the system. It sucks, but I have too. the only proper thing he's doing right now is going to GED classes 2x a week.
All I'll say is that if I don't work, the County has a 5x9 cell for me for non payment of child support!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
My3sons,
I am so sorry for what you are going through!!!
You showed your boy that you care. You learned that your XAH is not being on the ball with your son.
You could have had a talk about your son with XAH maybe that night, but that woman was there. If I was in that situation, I would have to pray so hard so strength because alone, I couldn't do it. And your XAH knew that he was safe, hiding with her and knowing you wouldn't approach him with her around.
I don't like your son being over there at all.
Can the justice system get him back to you? Do you want him home? Can they help you put limits on his behavior, so that he has to behave or have consequences?
Being in that situation with XAH and that lady sounds awful. They aren't showing concern at a time where your child needs it.
Oh, I hope you can get your boy back and bring him to Alabama with you! My boy is 16 and I can't imagine how you must feel.
You are in my prayers! Know you are a good mother and see what course of action you can take to get your boy out of there!
I am so sorry for what you are going through!!!
You showed your boy that you care. You learned that your XAH is not being on the ball with your son.
You could have had a talk about your son with XAH maybe that night, but that woman was there. If I was in that situation, I would have to pray so hard so strength because alone, I couldn't do it. And your XAH knew that he was safe, hiding with her and knowing you wouldn't approach him with her around.
I don't like your son being over there at all.
Can the justice system get him back to you? Do you want him home? Can they help you put limits on his behavior, so that he has to behave or have consequences?
Being in that situation with XAH and that lady sounds awful. They aren't showing concern at a time where your child needs it.
Oh, I hope you can get your boy back and bring him to Alabama with you! My boy is 16 and I can't imagine how you must feel.
You are in my prayers! Know you are a good mother and see what course of action you can take to get your boy out of there!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
I am kind of going through a similar thing myself with my 21 yo son who is addicted to pot. I had to kick him out of the house a few months ago because his behaviour was getting out of hand. He has been living by himself the last few months. Still smoking - still wasting his life. Most likely will drop out of university. But at least he is not doing it under my nose and I am spared a ring side view of his self destructive act.
I miss him but we need some boundaries to protect ourselves.
I miss him but we need some boundaries to protect ourselves.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
I work at a local High School here, have for the past 10 years. I work with teenagers that are mostly in the system...foster care, have parole officers. I see what happens to these kids and yes some of them are ok but most of them get worse once they are in the system. I am trying to avoid that at all cost...I realize that at some point there is no choice but I don't feel like I have gotten there yet.
My son is the most sensitive caring boy, this behavior is not his nature at all...I wish you knew him. He cries at the commercials about the animals that are injured. If he sees someone hurting he usually cannot take it...he has to do something. It kills me to see him turning into this person
Pippi I feel the same way...he is getting no guidance or structure at a time when I feel like he needs it the most. His dad is so scared of our son hating him he will not put bounderies up because he doesn't want to upset him although I will give him this...he is starting to get it, he told me yesterday that he was sorry he hadn't listened and that he had taken the door off of his room and had take the computer from him and he would not allow him to be alone anymore, that he would take him with him everywhere he went. He has also said this before and usually lasts about a day...we will see. I hope he keeps his word as that is the only hope I have left.
I told him any time he was ready to sit our son down and lay down the law as a united front just let me know and again he told me he did not think that was necessary. For some reason he refuses to parent together. He has made it clear several times that he will not do that. I think that as long as our son knows that he will do as he pleases because he knows he can get away with it. Honestly , I think XAH knows the one thing that needs to be done with our son that hasn't been is for him to sit him down and have a talk with him about all that went on in his life with his drinking and the affair, the complete abandonment for a year and acknowledge it to our son, instead of acting like it all never happened. He avoids that at all cost..even in therapy sessions that we have had with our son. If it comes up he refuses to discuss it other then saying yes Im an alcoholic but I have 3 yrs sober now.
Im not saying I haven't screwed up...but my son and I have talked at length, done counseling together...have been threw a 12 step dependency program for teens and parents together (that his dad did not attend) and worked threw a lot of stuff...obviously not everything but at least hes seen me put the effort in. That's all I can do. I KNOW that he KNOWS I love him. I don't have to guess at that. He has to work out his own stuff and I will be here when he does.
For now I am backing off and just getting ready for the move....when it gets closer to time to go I will see what is happening then and go from there. I think his dad needs to fully experience what our son is going threw without ANY interference from me and then see where it stands.
My son is the most sensitive caring boy, this behavior is not his nature at all...I wish you knew him. He cries at the commercials about the animals that are injured. If he sees someone hurting he usually cannot take it...he has to do something. It kills me to see him turning into this person
Pippi I feel the same way...he is getting no guidance or structure at a time when I feel like he needs it the most. His dad is so scared of our son hating him he will not put bounderies up because he doesn't want to upset him although I will give him this...he is starting to get it, he told me yesterday that he was sorry he hadn't listened and that he had taken the door off of his room and had take the computer from him and he would not allow him to be alone anymore, that he would take him with him everywhere he went. He has also said this before and usually lasts about a day...we will see. I hope he keeps his word as that is the only hope I have left.
I told him any time he was ready to sit our son down and lay down the law as a united front just let me know and again he told me he did not think that was necessary. For some reason he refuses to parent together. He has made it clear several times that he will not do that. I think that as long as our son knows that he will do as he pleases because he knows he can get away with it. Honestly , I think XAH knows the one thing that needs to be done with our son that hasn't been is for him to sit him down and have a talk with him about all that went on in his life with his drinking and the affair, the complete abandonment for a year and acknowledge it to our son, instead of acting like it all never happened. He avoids that at all cost..even in therapy sessions that we have had with our son. If it comes up he refuses to discuss it other then saying yes Im an alcoholic but I have 3 yrs sober now.
Im not saying I haven't screwed up...but my son and I have talked at length, done counseling together...have been threw a 12 step dependency program for teens and parents together (that his dad did not attend) and worked threw a lot of stuff...obviously not everything but at least hes seen me put the effort in. That's all I can do. I KNOW that he KNOWS I love him. I don't have to guess at that. He has to work out his own stuff and I will be here when he does.
For now I am backing off and just getting ready for the move....when it gets closer to time to go I will see what is happening then and go from there. I think his dad needs to fully experience what our son is going threw without ANY interference from me and then see where it stands.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
The teen years are tough. They're tough when one of your parents isn't an alcoholic. They're hard when your parents are married and presenting a united front. I think all the issues you are facing with your son may or may not be related to your divorce and your DH's alcoholism. One thing we do know is that your son has a good chance of having a genetic tendency toward addiction.
I would also describe my 22 RAS as more sensitive than average. And, like you, we were very close in his growing up years- probably one of the reasons that I took so much of his behavior so personally. It seemed as though overnight he changed from this sweet loving boy to this angry, confused teenager. (Looking back now- if I could change one thing- this would be it. I was so hurt by his behavior and destruction- it felt like he was doing it to me.)
I don't know if this will make you feel any better or not, but we did everything we could to get our son on the right track when he started behaving like your son. Counseling, consistent parenting with consequences for his behaviors, etc. Really nothing seemed to matter. Sometimes, we just have to do the best we can and wait until they grow up a little and hope they don't screw up their lives too much in the meantime.
Do you have to move? Was he originally planning on going with you?
I would also describe my 22 RAS as more sensitive than average. And, like you, we were very close in his growing up years- probably one of the reasons that I took so much of his behavior so personally. It seemed as though overnight he changed from this sweet loving boy to this angry, confused teenager. (Looking back now- if I could change one thing- this would be it. I was so hurt by his behavior and destruction- it felt like he was doing it to me.)
I don't know if this will make you feel any better or not, but we did everything we could to get our son on the right track when he started behaving like your son. Counseling, consistent parenting with consequences for his behaviors, etc. Really nothing seemed to matter. Sometimes, we just have to do the best we can and wait until they grow up a little and hope they don't screw up their lives too much in the meantime.
Do you have to move? Was he originally planning on going with you?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
You might be the only SAFE target for his rage. I raged at my mother, turning to her for comfort from outside hurts and against her with my anger about injustices that were totally beyond her control. I tested her and tested her, but she stayed with me even when I thought I hated her. She wanted to do right by me and I know that, but her severe codependency prevented her from dealing with my real problems (the fallout of a sexual assault as my first sexual experience) and instead made my problems my grades, my friends, and my t-shirts.
We had and have a complicated relationship. I could feel more settled if she went to any lengths when I was younger to deal with her severe codependency (at the time, she went through some medical treatment for anxiety, but nothing else). She's in her seventies now and has no intentions of doing anything differently.
You're not my mom, obviously, but I will say that as a child of a deeply codependent woman, my teen years and early adulthood would have been much less painful for all involved if my mom took her own behavior and maladaptive coping skills seriously. The best things we can do as parents is get over our own **** and learn how to deal with out kids without letting our **** get in the way. We're all learning on the curve, but it's possible.
Edited to add: FWIW, my dad was always in the picture, they are still married, but he had basically no input into my childhood. He was the guy on the couch. Today I can recognize that he was deeply, chronically depressed, and my mom was a classic codependent who stayed married to him out of obligation and fear. But that's the end of my armchair psychology today.
We had and have a complicated relationship. I could feel more settled if she went to any lengths when I was younger to deal with her severe codependency (at the time, she went through some medical treatment for anxiety, but nothing else). She's in her seventies now and has no intentions of doing anything differently.
You're not my mom, obviously, but I will say that as a child of a deeply codependent woman, my teen years and early adulthood would have been much less painful for all involved if my mom took her own behavior and maladaptive coping skills seriously. The best things we can do as parents is get over our own **** and learn how to deal with out kids without letting our **** get in the way. We're all learning on the curve, but it's possible.
Edited to add: FWIW, my dad was always in the picture, they are still married, but he had basically no input into my childhood. He was the guy on the couch. Today I can recognize that he was deeply, chronically depressed, and my mom was a classic codependent who stayed married to him out of obligation and fear. But that's the end of my armchair psychology today.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
I contacted his therapist that worked with us when we did the chemical dependency program and spoke to him about what has been going on. With this program you are there for 2 hours...parents meet separately and the teens meet separately then all come together for the last hour. It was very helpful for me and he suggested that I start coming back to the parents group. Im definitely going to do that starting this Wednesday. He thought it was pointless to have my son come back...he thinks as I do, that I need to step back and let him implode..which he says is obviously what is going to happen.
I hope he doesn't do to much damage but I know that for his and my sake I need to back out of this. I will pray that he sees what he is doing before the first of June when we are suppose to leave for Alabama...but I am planning my drive back alone and preparing myself for that.
I hope he doesn't do to much damage but I know that for his and my sake I need to back out of this. I will pray that he sees what he is doing before the first of June when we are suppose to leave for Alabama...but I am planning my drive back alone and preparing myself for that.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
He thought it was pointless to have my son come back...he thinks as I do, that I need to step back and let him implode..which he says is obviously what is going to happen.
I and my wife joined a parent group - chaired by addiction therapist - it was one of the best thing we ever did in the last 3 years or so. While al-anon etc is helpful I feel a professional therapist with training in addiction is a better alternative.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
Hopefulmom...We have had this move planned for a while...my son actually brought it up after we went back last summer for a visit. it was his idea and then it just grew on me. I knew I was having a hard time with running into his dad and this woman every where I went. I felt like I was not going to have the space to just get over it if I stayed here. I have no family here, and there I have my mom, uncles and brother and his family who all love my sons. My uncles would be very involved with him and that is what he needs right now...so we went ahead and started planning it. Dad had no problem what so ever with the idea. just since he has been at his dads has he started saying he didn't want to go....I cant blame him. Hes having the time of his life right now, kind of hard for a teenager to walk away from that. On top of he has his dads attention for the first time really in his life.
I still think its a good idea...
I still think its a good idea...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
I just had to share some really encouraging news I got today regarding my youngest son...Apparently one of the coaches at his school is really involved in working with troubled teens. He had a pretty rough life as a kid and has been involved with troubled kids to "pay it back". He not only coaches but is involved with a program through the police dept. that helps parents of these kids.
After speaking to my sons councilor last week she thought my son was a perfect kid for this coach to meet and told him about my son. He was on board right away...he makes an accidental meeting with the kid (just a hello hows it goen in the hall way) and then starts making a point of speaking to him when they run into each other. Today he pulled him out of class and had a real talk with him and it went really well. He called me this evening and told me he could see my son was really hurting but as far as he was concerned he was now his little brother (this gentleman is 50) He asked permission to take him to a ranch that he works at this weekend for the day to get him outside and maybe talking. He really wants to help and I am open to it...the principal is going to call me to basically let me know he is on the up and up...I don't know this man from adam, but he was happy to have me talk to people to get references.
He said today my son was telling him he wanted to make things right and was feeling bad about the way he had been treating me....I feel 50% better...at least he is talking to someone.
I have a little hope now...
After speaking to my sons councilor last week she thought my son was a perfect kid for this coach to meet and told him about my son. He was on board right away...he makes an accidental meeting with the kid (just a hello hows it goen in the hall way) and then starts making a point of speaking to him when they run into each other. Today he pulled him out of class and had a real talk with him and it went really well. He called me this evening and told me he could see my son was really hurting but as far as he was concerned he was now his little brother (this gentleman is 50) He asked permission to take him to a ranch that he works at this weekend for the day to get him outside and maybe talking. He really wants to help and I am open to it...the principal is going to call me to basically let me know he is on the up and up...I don't know this man from adam, but he was happy to have me talk to people to get references.
He said today my son was telling him he wanted to make things right and was feeling bad about the way he had been treating me....I feel 50% better...at least he is talking to someone.
I have a little hope now...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 168
....at least he is talking to someone.
This is wonderful! Steps in the right direction for sure. I know that when my kids were teens the exact same words that came out of my mouth were perceived in a completely different way if someone else said the same thing. They thought I was an idiot, but the other person brilliant... if they really respected that person. I learned early to NOT say some stuff, but worked to find trusting mentors that we both trusted, and then I could share my concerns with them and let it go. The words could NOT come out of my mouth, or I was doomed! Hope this helps.
This is wonderful! Steps in the right direction for sure. I know that when my kids were teens the exact same words that came out of my mouth were perceived in a completely different way if someone else said the same thing. They thought I was an idiot, but the other person brilliant... if they really respected that person. I learned early to NOT say some stuff, but worked to find trusting mentors that we both trusted, and then I could share my concerns with them and let it go. The words could NOT come out of my mouth, or I was doomed! Hope this helps.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
