Too smart and beautiful to quit?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Murrells Inlet, South Carolina
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by choublak 
A college teacher. Wow yeah, you have it so tough.
Anybody unable to work, communicate or live as the same person they were originally intended to be, because of alcohol or drugs and continue to systematically destroy their ability to function as intended while choosing death as a goal might have a problem.
The people that love and depend on that person to be a part of their lives also have a similar issue as long as their loved one continues to choose intellectual and physical suicide over being a healthy family member or friend.
It is equally difficult to accept the loss, no matter what their station in life was before their addiction damaged or destroyed the credibility of your relationship.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Welcome, desp1.
I'd like to echo the statements of others who have encouraged you to try Alanon. It saved my life.
There's a lot of excellent wisdom here on SR. Keep coming back. Many of us have commented at times that alcoholics must read and repeat the same book of phrases because even though we are from all over this amazing planet, we have had so many of the same things said to us, the same situations in one way or another, the same pain and agony while living with the insanity of alcoholism.
You are not alone.
posie
I'd like to echo the statements of others who have encouraged you to try Alanon. It saved my life.
There's a lot of excellent wisdom here on SR. Keep coming back. Many of us have commented at times that alcoholics must read and repeat the same book of phrases because even though we are from all over this amazing planet, we have had so many of the same things said to us, the same situations in one way or another, the same pain and agony while living with the insanity of alcoholism.
You are not alone.
posie
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Ahh, the wonders of association to highly educated addicts.......
It seems more difficult to deal with them because their skills at lying, rationalizing, deflecting and projecting are often very good.
Sweet memories of a friend that graduated one of toughest to enter medical colleges then did a surgical subspecialty residency also very difficult to obtain. Later he became homeless, lost his license(driving and medical), his home, family. You couldn't tell him or even suggest anything about addiction being related to his situation. Lying, rationalizing, deflecting and projecting were very eloquently verbalized as well as hearing about his highly esteemed university and credentials.
Finally after losing patience if you told him; "you are dirty, you smell, you look like crap, you live on the street, you lost everything you worked for"
His response; Everything is great, I dont have a problem, you have the problem, quack, quack, quack but with eloquent sophisticated words. (while waiting on line at the outdoor soup kitchen)
It seems more difficult to deal with them because their skills at lying, rationalizing, deflecting and projecting are often very good.
Sweet memories of a friend that graduated one of toughest to enter medical colleges then did a surgical subspecialty residency also very difficult to obtain. Later he became homeless, lost his license(driving and medical), his home, family. You couldn't tell him or even suggest anything about addiction being related to his situation. Lying, rationalizing, deflecting and projecting were very eloquently verbalized as well as hearing about his highly esteemed university and credentials.
Finally after losing patience if you told him; "you are dirty, you smell, you look like crap, you live on the street, you lost everything you worked for"
His response; Everything is great, I dont have a problem, you have the problem, quack, quack, quack but with eloquent sophisticated words. (while waiting on line at the outdoor soup kitchen)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Murrells Inlet, South Carolina
Posts: 57
If keeping an eye on me is more important to my AW than her own health, sobriety and even my health, isn’t that going interfere with our recovery?
My wife has agreed to an appointment to go into a seven day Detox/Rehab again today but she is upset because she doesn’t know what I will be doing? She is desperately looking for any excuse not to get help.
The lack of any type of exercise, fresh air or freedom and waiting for her to get better is making me uncomfortable. I’ve been with her 24/7 for the last three years, except for running short ½ hour errands every other day. She calls me on my cell phone during these short errands because she’s very anxious and wants me to hurry home. I should feel flattered by her loving incarceration but if it continues I will soon die on our sofa from another heart attack. We haven’t seen the beach, gone out to eat or done anything outside together in over three years.
I pray that today she will like these facilities well enough to at least stay long enough detox. The nightmare of just sitting in front of the TV until we both atrophy and loose the ability to even walk while waiting for her to get better is no longer an option. Life is way to short to waste it on this stupid addiction.
My wife has agreed to an appointment to go into a seven day Detox/Rehab again today but she is upset because she doesn’t know what I will be doing? She is desperately looking for any excuse not to get help.
The lack of any type of exercise, fresh air or freedom and waiting for her to get better is making me uncomfortable. I’ve been with her 24/7 for the last three years, except for running short ½ hour errands every other day. She calls me on my cell phone during these short errands because she’s very anxious and wants me to hurry home. I should feel flattered by her loving incarceration but if it continues I will soon die on our sofa from another heart attack. We haven’t seen the beach, gone out to eat or done anything outside together in over three years.
I pray that today she will like these facilities well enough to at least stay long enough detox. The nightmare of just sitting in front of the TV until we both atrophy and loose the ability to even walk while waiting for her to get better is no longer an option. Life is way to short to waste it on this stupid addiction.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Desp - Is she agoraphobic as well as alcoholic? If this is the case it might be part of her reluctance to leave the apartment for help.
You must look after yourself by getting regular exercise and social contact (a club? a gym?) If she is unwilling or unable to accept help, please don't go down with the ship.
Expect her to react to your independence - but you must hold firm. You won't feel so desperate once you establish contact with the outside world.
You must look after yourself by getting regular exercise and social contact (a club? a gym?) If she is unwilling or unable to accept help, please don't go down with the ship.
Expect her to react to your independence - but you must hold firm. You won't feel so desperate once you establish contact with the outside world.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
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I should feel flattered by her loving incarceration but if it continues I will soon die on our sofa from another heart attack. We haven’t seen the beach, gone out to eat or done anything outside together in over three years.
isn’t that going interfere with our recovery?
Have you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? If not, please do get the book, read it and do the exercises as if your life depended on it.
Work your program as hard as you wish she would work her recovery.
Being trapped in a house with an anxiety ridden alcoholic must be a nightmare.
Please start working on you for you.
Beth
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Murrells Inlet, South Carolina
Posts: 57
Al-anon no longer offers a meeting in the Myrtle Beach area, just an offer on their web site to call an “answering service” number.
I have never been so isolated and alone before. We’ve lived here for eight years and we have a few people we talk to but no close friends. It seems odd to me that we have remained so secluded.
My wife doesn’t want to attend any local churches because she says she believes in random now. I’m real open-minded but for the life of me I have never seen a random church.
I guess I can try to utilize some AA meetings to learn how the members are communicating and remaining sober.
She said the only reason she went to AA meetings before was to be around the Guy that pulled the 13th step on her. I’m going to need to find one around here with some PhD members to impress her enough so she might actually listen. My meager engineering degree from William & Mary and my unassisted sobriety makes me less credible than a high school drop-out. I never got past the step of telling people I was sorry.
But it’s all good, she’s in Rehab, can safely Detox and I have five to seven days to attend some local AA meetings so I can offer her some choices.
I can also read some books that you have been so kind to recommend so I’ll remain busy preparing for her return.
Thanks
I have never been so isolated and alone before. We’ve lived here for eight years and we have a few people we talk to but no close friends. It seems odd to me that we have remained so secluded.
My wife doesn’t want to attend any local churches because she says she believes in random now. I’m real open-minded but for the life of me I have never seen a random church.
I guess I can try to utilize some AA meetings to learn how the members are communicating and remaining sober.
She said the only reason she went to AA meetings before was to be around the Guy that pulled the 13th step on her. I’m going to need to find one around here with some PhD members to impress her enough so she might actually listen. My meager engineering degree from William & Mary and my unassisted sobriety makes me less credible than a high school drop-out. I never got past the step of telling people I was sorry.
But it’s all good, she’s in Rehab, can safely Detox and I have five to seven days to attend some local AA meetings so I can offer her some choices.
I can also read some books that you have been so kind to recommend so I’ll remain busy preparing for her return.
Thanks
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Did you check this meeting list? http://www.al-anon-sc.org/Area_Distr...tg_by_City.pdf. There are a whole bunch listed for Myrtle Beach, including a men's meeting, and also a couple in North Myrtle Beach.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hello desp1, and pleased to "meet" you 
I will second all the suggestions you have received so far: There is no "our" recovery, each has their own recovery. (I tried the "our" thing, did not work for me ) Go to al-anon, no matter how far. (I drove an hour and a half to my first meeting, found it so helpful I kept going every week ), etc. etc.
As far as smart and beautiful, my experience is that addiction is a medical disease, brains and bods will not make one immune.
My sponsor and his best friend are retired NASA scientists, each one with several Ph.D's. They go to meetings just like anybody else.
I live in Las Vegas, any meeting you pick will be at least half filled with people that could easily grace the cover of G.Q, or Playboy. If you are an avid reader you will see people that _have_ been on magazine covers. They go to meetings just like anybody else.
My ex-wife, the "qualifier" in my life, became heavily addicted to pain pills. I don't have to tell you what that is like. She is a retired super-model, and you _have_ seen her on the cover of magazines. She also has a post-doc in a health care related field, is responsible for a number of improvements in medical procedures that have saved countless lives. They used to hire her as a consultant in _building_ hospitals, she would save them millions just by re-organizing the HVAC, or moving the loading docks closer to the ER. She was also a gifted pianist, and one of the best fine art oils painter of her generation.
Smart and beautiful means _nothing_ when it comes to addiction. Some people, like my ex-wife, use that as yet another excuse that bolsters denial. What _I_ had to face up to was that I was _believing_ her excuses, in order to protect my own fear of losing the marriage.
al-anon helped me work on _my_ issues, independent of my ex's. I realized that I was protecting a marriage that had ceased to exist _years_ ago. I am still not sure who was sicker in that relationship, her with the pill addiction or me with my "addiction" to a marriage that did not exist.
My life is much better now. Not because we divorced, but because I gave up my own denial and my own fantasies. Sure, I've had lonely days, financial and health problems, but they are much easier to deal with alone than with a pill-head as a partner.
desp1, please excuse me if I overstep in saying that I think you have already started your own journey to recovery. I think you will find a great deal of insight among the good people here on SoberRecovery. I am sorry that you had to find us, but I am glad that you did. You are not alone in dealing with this horrid disease.
Mike
I will second all the suggestions you have received so far: There is no "our" recovery, each has their own recovery. (I tried the "our" thing, did not work for me ) Go to al-anon, no matter how far. (I drove an hour and a half to my first meeting, found it so helpful I kept going every week ), etc. etc.
As far as smart and beautiful, my experience is that addiction is a medical disease, brains and bods will not make one immune.
My sponsor and his best friend are retired NASA scientists, each one with several Ph.D's. They go to meetings just like anybody else.
I live in Las Vegas, any meeting you pick will be at least half filled with people that could easily grace the cover of G.Q, or Playboy. If you are an avid reader you will see people that _have_ been on magazine covers. They go to meetings just like anybody else.
My ex-wife, the "qualifier" in my life, became heavily addicted to pain pills. I don't have to tell you what that is like. She is a retired super-model, and you _have_ seen her on the cover of magazines. She also has a post-doc in a health care related field, is responsible for a number of improvements in medical procedures that have saved countless lives. They used to hire her as a consultant in _building_ hospitals, she would save them millions just by re-organizing the HVAC, or moving the loading docks closer to the ER. She was also a gifted pianist, and one of the best fine art oils painter of her generation.
Smart and beautiful means _nothing_ when it comes to addiction. Some people, like my ex-wife, use that as yet another excuse that bolsters denial. What _I_ had to face up to was that I was _believing_ her excuses, in order to protect my own fear of losing the marriage.
al-anon helped me work on _my_ issues, independent of my ex's. I realized that I was protecting a marriage that had ceased to exist _years_ ago. I am still not sure who was sicker in that relationship, her with the pill addiction or me with my "addiction" to a marriage that did not exist.
My life is much better now. Not because we divorced, but because I gave up my own denial and my own fantasies. Sure, I've had lonely days, financial and health problems, but they are much easier to deal with alone than with a pill-head as a partner.
desp1, please excuse me if I overstep in saying that I think you have already started your own journey to recovery. I think you will find a great deal of insight among the good people here on SoberRecovery. I am sorry that you had to find us, but I am glad that you did. You are not alone in dealing with this horrid disease.
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Murrells Inlet, South Carolina
Posts: 57
"As far as smart and beautiful, my experience is that addiction is a medical disease, brains and bods will not make one immune."
I haven't really noticed any brains in my situation and beauty is really really only skin deep.
She called from Rehab and said she didn't like it there...Hmm...not a luxury Spa
I told her I was sorry about the lack of amenities and she could choose to possibly die here at home or Detox safely there. Reality is such a cruel learning tool...thank goodness she hasn't had to experience much of it.
I haven't really noticed any brains in my situation and beauty is really really only skin deep.
She called from Rehab and said she didn't like it there...Hmm...not a luxury Spa
I told her I was sorry about the lack of amenities and she could choose to possibly die here at home or Detox safely there. Reality is such a cruel learning tool...thank goodness she hasn't had to experience much of it.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by desp1
Reality is such a cruel learning tool...thank goodness she hasn't had to experience much of it.
She needs a SERIOUS dose of real life right now, and be slapped hard with reality, it might save her life.
In the meantime, Desp1, take care of yourself and become a whole person again.
C-OH Dad
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Murrells Inlet, South Carolina
Posts: 57
She loved the freedom of college so much she didn't finish until she was 39.
She has always had men making fools of them-selves over her. The fear of loosing her looks, growing old and facing reality is probably the reason she drinks.
Having to be a normal 72 year old woman with the perks of youthful beauty removed is a difficulty everyone has to experience. That's when your inside core beauty normally takes over.
What’s a person going to do that has neglected or doesn’t even have access to their core?
Self awareness will be a hard pill to swallow and denial will instinctively kick in to protect you from the harsh reality of finally meeting yourself for the first time at 72.
What’s a kick in the gut like that going to do to her chances at sobriety and sanity?
All the Matriarchs on my wife’s mother’s side of her family were certifiable, alcoholic psychopaths until they died in their 90s.
I’m afraid she doesn’t have a chance without some serious meds and therapy but even crazy people deserve love...even me!
She has always had men making fools of them-selves over her. The fear of loosing her looks, growing old and facing reality is probably the reason she drinks.
Having to be a normal 72 year old woman with the perks of youthful beauty removed is a difficulty everyone has to experience. That's when your inside core beauty normally takes over.
What’s a person going to do that has neglected or doesn’t even have access to their core?
Self awareness will be a hard pill to swallow and denial will instinctively kick in to protect you from the harsh reality of finally meeting yourself for the first time at 72.
What’s a kick in the gut like that going to do to her chances at sobriety and sanity?
All the Matriarchs on my wife’s mother’s side of her family were certifiable, alcoholic psychopaths until they died in their 90s.
I’m afraid she doesn’t have a chance without some serious meds and therapy but even crazy people deserve love...even me!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Originally Posted by desp1
The fear of loosing her looks, growing old and facing reality is probably the reason she drinks.
What’s a kick in the gut like that going to do to her chances at sobriety and sanity?
What’s a kick in the gut like that going to do to her chances at sobriety and sanity?
I make a choice to try and grow up and grow old gracefully, and graciously. I have a 3 year old at home who wears me out many days, and a job I don't like much. But guess what, I have one beer at night because I like the taste, and I go to bed.
I have had many "Kicks in the gut", and I'm still sober and (somewhat sane - let's not take a poll). Anyway, it's her life to figure out, you don't need to defend her or her actions - we are all responsible for what we do. Let her stand on her own two feet and become a real person and face reality - like we all have to do.
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"Sorry to be harsh - but the reason she drinks is because she's an alcoholic!"
You're not being harsh...just honest. It is all up to her and I understand that everyone is responsible for their own choices.
Alcohol and drugs distort the ability of an individual to make choices. They are unable to discern reality and become a dysfunctional self enclosed universe that, unfortunately, spills all over their families and friends.
I’m here to take advantage of everyone’s wisdom and experiences to selfishly protect myself from harm and access my options. I am in my early 60s but continue to learn from everyone and everything I experience.
I’ve noticed, over the years that “normal” is a grey area that applies differently to every individual. Sanity is an algorithm with no author other than our higher power.
I have learned from other people and my own mistakes that mankind was created with instincts that are not necessarily civilized or accepted by society.
I accept the fact that everyone travels a different path, similar but beyond my honest comprehension. All anyone can truly do is be the best they have the ability to see and understand.
Thanks
You're not being harsh...just honest. It is all up to her and I understand that everyone is responsible for their own choices.
Alcohol and drugs distort the ability of an individual to make choices. They are unable to discern reality and become a dysfunctional self enclosed universe that, unfortunately, spills all over their families and friends.
I’m here to take advantage of everyone’s wisdom and experiences to selfishly protect myself from harm and access my options. I am in my early 60s but continue to learn from everyone and everything I experience.
I’ve noticed, over the years that “normal” is a grey area that applies differently to every individual. Sanity is an algorithm with no author other than our higher power.
I have learned from other people and my own mistakes that mankind was created with instincts that are not necessarily civilized or accepted by society.
I accept the fact that everyone travels a different path, similar but beyond my honest comprehension. All anyone can truly do is be the best they have the ability to see and understand.
Thanks
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by desp1
Having to be a normal 72 year old woman with the perks of youthful beauty removed is a difficulty everyone has to experience. That's when your inside core beauty normally takes over.
What’s a person going to do that has neglected or doesn’t even have access to their core?
Self awareness will be a hard pill to swallow and denial will instinctively kick in to protect you from the harsh reality of finally meeting yourself for the first time at 72.
What’s a person going to do that has neglected or doesn’t even have access to their core?
Self awareness will be a hard pill to swallow and denial will instinctively kick in to protect you from the harsh reality of finally meeting yourself for the first time at 72.
Also, "beauty" is subjective...youthful or otherwise. When I was in high school, I had horrible cystic acne. Cysts. Not your basic pimples. I tried Accutane and it didn't work for me; made it worse in fact. Finally my senior year of high school I got it under control, but that's another thread. Even after my skin cleared up, there were still guys who weren't attracted to me, and I didn't understand why. So, instead of going for guys who were or might have been attracted to me, I chased after the ones who weren't attracted to me, with the ultimate goal of making them attracted to me, OR I went after the general a-holes, with the ultimate goal of "changing" them. Really bad codependency manifesting itself there, I just didn't know it back then. ANYWAY, I was younger and dumb back then.
Things I now know to be true:
1. Outer physical beauty is subjective.
2. Your wife has always had men making fools of themselves over her because she was going after/associating with men who she knew wouldn't turn her down. It's no coincidence.
My overall point is, I don't quite get this "difficulty" business of losing the youthful beauty and discovering your core self; yes it is difficult, but too bad. I think you're being too soft on your wife.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by desp1
I’m here to take advantage of everyone’s wisdom and experiences to selfishly protect myself from harm and access my options.
If someone has a gun pointed at you, and you have the ability to kick them in the nuts and run, or stand there because it would cause them discomfort if you did kick- what would you do?
I have an appt with an atty next week to take the next step in my recovery and see what I need to do to protect myself and my 3 yr old from harm if the AW continues to progress in her addiction.
Is it selfish? Not in my mind. Because I and my son are much more important than her and her bottle of vodka.
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