Too smart and beautiful to quit?

Old 04-19-2013, 08:56 AM
  # 81 (permalink)  
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Oh, desp1, I wish I could be there to comfort you--or even cry with you. Your words must resound with so many of us on this forum who feel the same way about this savage disease!!

You have suffered so much loss. Sometimes, it just feels like too much to bear. For a long time, it seems, you have been giving out so much nurturing and receiving back so little. I wonder if you aren't drained almost completely dry.

I feel like I can understand more of where you are coming from now--than just a few h ours ago!! I appreciate your sharing with us.

You must care for yourself, also--or you will be able to help no one.

You are among friends. We have your back.

very sincerely, dandylion.
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:07 AM
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Dear Sir - I do appreciate your strong faith and trust in God. I too strive for that every day - and some days I'm more successful than others.

But I'd like to make some comments based on your posts. First, you have had a long, horrible experience with addicts and alcohol for what has been most of your life. But that does not mean that this is your death penalty/your penance/your existence. You can change, you can encourage change, you can be change.

Not getting fresh air, nor exercise, nor a moment's peace when you are 'allowed' to run errands for 30 minutes - I'm sorry, but that's probably worse than prison, because at least there someone cooks for you. It almost sounds as if you are ready to die because of this.

Very young children playing in the interstate need saved - the A in your life is an ADULT, an adult who needs to learn to make adult decisions and adult choices.

You write: When the least among us need help and love aren’t we are told to respect and protect them. “What would my higher power want me to do? What would Jesus do?”

We're not Jesus, we're not that powerful. You can love and respect someone, and at the same time let them go and do it from afar - you don't need to be their prisoner.

I hear the utter despair and sadness in your posts - you don't need to be a martyr in this this.

No one is perfect, everyone has faults, we all have regrets and baggage, and a ton of 'what-if's', but we can move on, we can grow, we can rise above this. And you can too, if that's what you want.

You overcame your own addiction because you were strong - find that strength again now and lift yourself up, sust yourself off, and become the man you know (and want) to be. It's in you, but you have to believe it, and want it.

Much Peace to you,
C-OH Dad
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:41 AM
  # 83 (permalink)  
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I sincerely thank all of you for your support. You guys are the only friends I have and certainly the only people I could unload all this on.

I’m really a fun loving, easy to get along with kind of guy.

I enjoy making someone smile, wasting my day cruising around on my boat and taking a walk on the beach.

I really don’t like taking life so seriously. I enjoy a good steak, a movie, a drive to nowhere in particular, A&W root beer, Key lime pie with chocolate frozen yogurt, playing “at” golf and all types of animals.

I’m a good shag dancer and enjoy beach music. I don’t dwell on the past and truly look forward to more "fun and frolic" in the future.

Hey…It’s all good!
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:54 AM
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We're not Jesus, we're not that powerful. You can love and respect someone, and at the same time let them go and do it from afar - you don't need to be their prisoner.
Yes, and they have access to the same Jesus you do!
I have a Higher Power of my understanding.
Sometimes, I call it my own personal Jesus.
A song I know.

Beth
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:59 AM
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I use to walk around work whistling a favorite jazz melody dujour because I was always in a good mood. People would joke that they could hear me coming. I also know what it's like to be in the thick of the insanity that is living with an active addict loved one. But I'm here to tell you it can get better. Get support, get educated about addiction and get yourself first on your list of priorities. Stick around.

BTW, I love Murrells Inlet. Been there many times and on my short list of places to retire.
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Old 04-19-2013, 10:13 AM
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I’m a good shag dancer and enjoy beach music. I don’t dwell on the past and truly look forward to more "fun and frolic" in the future.

Hey…It’s all good!
What about the "Twist"? Or is that Myrtle Beach?
LOL
I have to check out Murrell's Inlet as a place to live.
This last winter here in Michigan.

Beth
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Old 04-19-2013, 10:46 AM
  # 87 (permalink)  
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I believe we have to meet our own most basic needs in order to have strength to help another. You have been depriving yourself of some of these needs.

Your wife obviously has some serious mental health issues driving the alcoholism. Whatever your course of action, you absolutely must take care of you first or you will soon be unable to care for her. That means your physical needs as well as your emotional needs. Leaving the house is a need. It's imperative that you make changes because if you simply cannot keep up this unhealthy lifestyle forever. Your time is precious.

Making changes is going to be very difficult, and she is going to kick and scream when you start doing the things you need to do for yourself. I hope you will keep posting here and search for other in-person options for support or counseling, also.

Peace and Strength to you. Really glad you are on this forum.
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Old 04-19-2013, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
Sometimes, I call it my own personal Jesus.
A song I know.

Beth
I actually heard that song this morning on the way to work. It was CRANKED UP!
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Old 04-19-2013, 10:55 AM
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Desp, what eloquent compassion you have for humanity with all you have been through yourself and those you have lost. That touched me deeply and reminded me I always want to have that compassion and too often am hardened.
I'm confused--how do you enjoy wasting a day on your boat if you haven't been out of the house except for 30 minutes here and there for 3 years?
I hope you can enjoy your boat this week. If I see you posting during the day I am going to want to yell at you to get off here and get on that boat...!
But that would be the controlling side of me wanting to give advice where none is asked for, so I'll refrain.
(But I already said it!)
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Old 04-19-2013, 11:05 AM
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad View Post
I actually heard that song this morning on the way to work. It was CRANKED UP!
It is the ONLY way to listen to that song!
Now, I will go find it and give it a loud listen.

My own. personal. Jesus.

desp1,
I just read up a little on Murrells Inlet.
That looks like heaven.
Salt marshes. Wildlife. The ocean.
Heaven to me.
and when I want gaudy, it is only 10 miles to Myrtle Beach.

Beth
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Old 04-20-2013, 01:33 AM
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Thumbs up

I'm confused--how do you enjoy wasting a day on your boat if you haven't been out of the house except for 30 minutes here and there for 3 years?
I hope you can enjoy your boat this week. If I see you posting during the day I am going to want to yell at you to get off here and get on that boat...!
But that would be the controlling side of me wanting to give advice where none is asked for, so I'll refrain.
(But I already said it!)
No need to refrain, advice and logic are always welcome. You wouldn't say it if you didn't care and I'm flattered when it comes to caring friends.

I have to pay dock rent every month ao I'm able to sneak onboard, check the oil, start the engines, and listen to it run for 15 or twenty minutes. I've got over 100 gal of 3 1/2 year old fuel that keeps me adding stabilizer quarterly. It has been a long time since I've enjoyed the Ospreys yelling at me from their nests on the Channel markers and in the Cypress trees.

I have sacrificed my Cruising for monthly, self imposed maintenance issues. I think I will take it out this next week and just enjoy the waterway. “I really do need to use up some of the old fuel and replace it with fresh.” Boats, cars and even people need to be exercised occasionally to keep them up and running. That’s a reasonable explanation isn’t it?

Thanks

Last edited by DesertEyes; 04-20-2013 at 08:55 AM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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Old 04-20-2013, 05:08 AM
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Desp1 - Why do you let your wife's disease cage you like an animal?

Why do you have to "sneak" out of your own home? She hasn't made you a prisoner you have made your own self a prisoner. Perhaps while she is gone you will put some thought into living your life while you are with her.
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Old 04-20-2013, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
Desp1 - Why do you let your wife's disease cage you like an animal?

Why do you have to "sneak" out of your own home? She hasn't made you a prisoner you have made your own self a prisoner. Perhaps while she is gone you will put some thought into living your life while you are with her.
I am cautious because of her costly and dangerous “previous” behavior characteristics.

(1.) She falls all the time and has injured her back and her head and I have had to take her to the emergency room.
A. They always look at me like I had something to do with it.
B. Depending on her state of mind she can tell them anything…
C. The last time she fell, when I left her alone for an hour to buy her a Xmas gift, she was on the floor trashed and I had to call 911 to help me get her up.
-On that occasion she fought with the ambulance drivers and it took all my best begging to keep her from being locked up.
-I understand that it’s a way for her to bottom but I’m paying for it again.

(2.) I have spent tens of thousands in medical bills for her alcohol induced symptoms and conditions. MRI, CT scans, X-rays, and blood work.

(3.) The system is set up to bankrupt us and if I am not diligent it will.

(4.) She has apparently developed other mental issues not related to alcohol and there we go again with the $$$ system with no affordable mental health providers.

(5.) I can walk or run away but I’m still responsible for paying for all the legal, medical and who knows what for as long as we remain married.

The reality of the situation is daunting and the fact that she is a 72 year old senior woman and I’m a 61 year old younger man makes me the bad guy if I’m not compassionate and responsive to her needs. (that’s just the way it is)

It's all good!
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Old 04-20-2013, 10:34 AM
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"I just read up a little on Murrells Inlet. That looks like heaven. Salt marshes. Wildlife. The ocean. Heaven to me. and when I want gaudy, it is only 10 miles to Myrtle Beach."

Murrells Inlet is absolutely beautiful. The sky is clean and clear and the water is blue. The ICW from Georgetown to little river becomes fresh water to naturally flush your boat engines.

The Marsh-walk is a combination of restaurants and bars with Drunken Jacks my winner for the best seafood and view.

The area has a 50/50 split of New Jersey northern and Inland/Florida residents. A 2100 sq ft home runs less than 200K in the nicer areas and senior residents pay only $300 to $500 yearly for property tax.

The weather is a little more moderate than our Florida property so it is more comfortable for me. It’s a shame alcohol hangs over this otherwise pleasurable experience.
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Old 04-20-2013, 11:32 AM
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If you attend aa meetings and alanon meetings I think you'll begin to build a circle of friends and a community that can support you through this.

It sounds as if you haven't forgiven yourself for your own alcoholic behaviors, and that standing by your wife is some kind of penance.
Need I say that's not a healthy mentality?

I see a lot of talk about Jesus but remember, Jesus didn't get all codependent and abandon God and his own truth to chase after ladies with dirty feet and try to convince them to let him wash them.

I wish you and your wife the best. Alcohol turns alcoholics into awful, crazy people. The book "under the influence" can offer some explanations for the biological basis for that.
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Old 04-20-2013, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by fairlyuncertain View Post
If you attend aa meetings and alanon meetings I think you'll begin to build a circle of friends and a community that can support you through this.

It sounds as if you haven't forgiven yourself for your own alcoholic behaviors, and that standing by your wife is some kind of penance.
Need I say that's not a healthy mentality?

I see a lot of talk about Jesus but remember, Jesus didn't get all codependent and abandon God and his own truth to chase after ladies with dirty feet and try to convince them to let him wash them.

I wish you and your wife the best. Alcohol turns alcoholics into awful, crazy people. The book "under the influence" can offer some explanations for the biological basis for that.

I believe Jesus new the truth and he was the ultimite "codependent to humanity" he died for our sins." (Is that an example we should ignore? He never thought to protect himself first...did he? Which "book"/"path" is more credible?)
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Old 04-20-2013, 12:44 PM
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The reply I just wrote sounds harsh as I read it. It wasn't meant to be.

The 12 step program is an excellent, sound method to save lives from addiction and I agree with its principles.

I've just been praying and reading the bible over and over and over and the more I read it the simpler it’s becoming to understand. Thanks again for your post.
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Old 04-20-2013, 02:29 PM
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Taking the boat out...

I have sacrificed my Cruising for monthly, self imposed maintenance issues. I think I will take it out this next week and just enjoy the waterway. “I really do need to use up some of the old fuel and replace it with fresh.” Boats, cars and even people need to be exercised occasionally to keep them up and running. That’s a reasonable explanation isn’t it? 
Yes! Take the boat out cruising. Soak in the sun and the sea, get your motor running, head out on the highway......Born to be Wiiiiiiiillllld!

I am now researching how to move down that way.

I can sit here and talk about leaving, or I can make that move.

I was born to be wild.





But not crazy, so I am singin' in the rain, while I prep for the sun.
The cost of housing is 74 (out of 100) compared to Detroit which is over 90.
There are nice apartments there I can afford, so close to the beach.
This is a dream that can (will) come true for me.
I have work to do, steps to follow. Lists to make.

I am saying to myself and you:
Instead of allowing what you think other people think just listen to yourself.

Sacrificing your life to support her illness is not good for you.
(and I am doing the same thing)
Not good for you physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

From now on, I am going to be open to whatever the Universe has to give me as far as getting to a better place.
Supporting me to live my life.

Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I am asking you to consider this too desp1.
Take the boat out please.
If taking that boat out is part of your dream, then do it.



Thank you for being here and reminding me of my mission.
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Old 04-20-2013, 02:37 PM
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It has been a long time since I've enjoyed the Ospreys yelling at me from their nests on the Channel markers and in the Cypress trees.
I am so jealous. Yep.
I would be thrilled to run the boat out of fuel.
cruising the intra coastal waterway.

It could take awhile to run out just puttering around.
A loooooooonnng time.
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Old 04-20-2013, 07:26 PM
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Life is way to short and my bucket list should last me until I'm way over 160 years old.

I’ve almost saved enough money to replace my entire body when I need to.

An AI insert should be available by the time my mind starts to go…what was I saying?

Oh, and I will be 2 inches shorter so it will be easier to find the right inseam and I’m ordering smaller feet cause the size 14 selection is so limited.

Some all new solid white teeth, a Kevlar under skin with a built in six pack and a Charlie Sheen purple hat with a faux feather.

Then the only person that could harm me, excluding the GOV, IRS, DOJ, and a few really sharp used car dealers would be me.

After that investment only a “really crazy person” would do anything to upset the apple cart, so I'm good…don’t ya think? :
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