Recovering2

Do you trust your day care provider? Have there been bad experiences with this provider? Do you have any reason to believe, if they want to continue caring for your child, that they would put that child in a bad situation? Do you not trust your wife to handle this? Sounds to me like there are some control issues going on here.

While I congratulate you on 4 months of sobriety, you are in early recovery. I will assume that if you are working the Steps, you are early in that process. You can not yet be aware of the damage your drinking has caused. You may think you know, but most A's don't grasp it early on. Your wife has her own recovery, both as the child of an A and now the wife of an A. Have some compassion, the same compassion you want. Instead of criticizing, ask what you can do to be more active in helping with child care.

My RABF is almost 5 months sober. Although he is doing great, there is much work ahead to mend all the fences he destroyed. I stay on my side of the street, go to AlAnon and work with my sponsor. I know I have my own issues to deal with. I would hate to think this early on he would feel he is in a position to criticize me. He has NO idea what it was like to keep our life together while he was checked out.

My advice is stay focused on your own recovery. Be thankful your wife took care of your child while you were drinking. Find a way to work together on child care issues without criticism. Be patient, realize 4 months is a start, and give her the time she needs for her recovery. It's okay if you're not both on the exact time line.

Crazed

Fallow, keep up your good work on your sobriety. Without it, your family, and you, will not survive.

Off Topic-
This quote really hit home with me. I was blamed. She always needed applause (which I did not give enough of - hence more blame), and she did not get sober.
.... End of off topic

Archangelesk

You said that she did not set up childcare you her or your satisfaction. I agree with the other poster who said let the resentment go about the timing of communication. And take the steps that are necessary to become comfortable. Maybe you can take a half day off of work to sit-in with the substitute provider? Get to know him or her? Or take on the onus of finding a friend or family member to take your child for the week.

I might just be projecting - but I was heading down a road of crazy behavior in response to my A's issues - hysteric pleading, etc., until I admitted to myself that I could not control him. I'm not saying this is okay - your wife needs to address her unstable emotional state. But, what you can control is taking charge of getting the day care set up to your satisfaction.

Fallow

I just read thru all these posts again. I really love a lot of the wisdom here and will try to employ as much of it as I can in my own recovery.

Though not in the way I expected, I got the answers I was looking for. It's nothing to do with daycare but that situation is resolved for now.

My wife did come to the conclusion she could and should communicate more effectively with me. I hope it happens but I realize it may or may not.

The most powerful realization for me is the depth of the anger that is involved in substance and alcohol abuse. On both sides.

I likely will never fully understand all of the damages it is true. That said all of the details of how my wife and I have harmed each other have not been disclosed here.

We certainly both have plenty of reasons to be angry at each other.

I am not going that direction though. Of course I know I cannot control her. I get it that we will recover at different rates.

I will give this relationship my best. At a minimum I will look at the relationship from a years worth of sobriety.. if she doesn't boot me out before then.

No rash decisions are going to be made.

I will definitely hang out more on this forum now. I really feel I am growing and it is important for me to learn all I can about both sides.

I can relate I feel like I have felt a lot of the same feelings that I read about in this friends and family world.

Crazed

Keep sober, my friend. For you. Then all others will benefit.

redatlanta

Fallow when my husband relapsed I found SR and AL Anon. I only lived with his active alcoholism a short while before he stopped he had been 10 years sober when he picked up again.

The great thing that came out of his relapse for me was going to Al Anon and changing my codependent and enabling behaviors that had caused a lot of damage to our relationship way before he ever relapsed. We have a truly wonderful relationship now. Dare I say I am grateful that he relapsed??? I am glad that I got help. However, I won't stick around for round 2 should it happen again which is also part of what I learned in Al Anon to stop trying to FIX people.

Stay on F & F post often. Lots of support here and wisdom. Helped change my life for the better. Glad to hear you are communicating with your wife.

DreamsofSerenity

Fallow, I give you a lot of credit for posting here. You took a lot of heat, and were open to what everyone said without getting defensive. That's recovery!

FireSprite

This was probably the most surprising thing for my RAH to realize as well. I remember the look on his face so vividly from *that* conversation that we had when I felt like he "got it", just a little.

To be honest, even I have been surprised at the volume and depth of my anger at times. It is not some preconceived effort to retaliate against my RAH & after almost 2 years of active recovery, I am still identifying & working through triggers. I am continually surprised & somewhat shocked at the things that I have unearthed from my Self. It is not an easy or painless process, but it is rewarding.

Congrats on your sobriety & for listening to the folks in this thread no matter how difficult some responses can be to hear.

Fallow

Thank you.

I have to say I started feeling a little defensive at some comments but I looked inside of me and discovered if those comments were the truth.

Some of them were the truth!

And it is disturbing and hard to stomach some of the realities about myself. It has to happen though.