thislonelygirl

My solution is I will now drop off my daughter each day and also pick her up... Starting tomorrow.

I will be very sure to transmit any pertinent information to my wife as it comes up.



I'm not trying to be mean but this sounds like your trying to be controlling and unreasonable.
I honestly believe communication is a two way streak....and in my opinion it sounds like your end has some work neeeded too.

Maybe ask the daycare to keep you informed when you pick hher up?

Fallow

I have thought about that too. And I will ask the daycare. Also looking at other daycare options where this type of situation will not be an issue.
Something more permanent.

Maybe this is all controlling and unreasonable.

Don't know.

I know that I do not want this to happen again as I feel its about our daughters safety.

Things seem like they would be much easier if my wife could commit to communicating with me but for some reason she refuses. She will not say why.

BoxinRotz

Fallow,

First and foremost, congrats on 4 months sobriety.

Now, with that said, I have been married to an alcoholic for nearly 2 years July 9th this year. When I first met him, he touted his sobriety of 20 years to me. Let me just say, he was proud, as he should have been. During our first year and right up until we said I Do, he was hiding a very dark and painful secret and that was Vodka. He always promised me he would take care of me and I believed him until his secret came out. Truth is, I can't even count on him to take me to the ER if I took my finger off with the meat clever which I use every day because he is drunk. He doesn't like that word so I just guzzy it up and say *buzzed* to suit him but he's a drunk!

He would say stupid crap like I'll always take care of you and I baulk and ask how so and he says, you have a house and life insurance. BAH! Shove it up your wazoo! That means nothing to me Fallow! Do you understand that I'd rather have the man I thought I married take care of me? Now, I can't even count on him to feed our dogs! When he drinks, I sit in the room and watch him and feel all alone even though he is there because we are not on the same level anymore. He's drunk and I'm not!

I've been the one who cleans the house. Takes care of the dogs. Washes the laundry. Makes the meals. Pays the Bills. Calls the dr's. Does the grocery shopping. Heck!!! All he has to do is take his drunk ass to work and make the money, buy his vodka, screw me and lie to me! Oh... wait! Let's not forget, tell me how I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and tell me I'm beautiful! HA!

If he came at me with 4 months of sobriety, he better bring tissues because I still wouldn't trust him from all the lies he has told and the words he has said and the countless bottles of vodka he has drank! Right now, at this very moment, I have a very sad and pityiful man who knows he has a problem yet won't do a thing about it. He will continue down his path and you know what, I will continue down mine taking care of my home, the dogs, the laundry, cooking, cleaning, working, shopping. I won't give up any indepence I have gained for myself because he feels like he's the Man of the House and I should be a good wife and roll over. Nope... ain't gonna happen.

I don't for any reason see why your wife should give up her stance for you. That maybe hard to swallow but she has been keeping everything going while you sat in cruise control and let it happen. Don't be mad at her because you weren't a team player. As far as I'm concerned, she couldn't come to you and have a decent conversation about what needed to be done and have your input because you weren't sober enough to give sound judgement. She doesn't trust you! I feel the same way about my husband and I have made decisions without him because I felt that it would be best because he was drunk. In the last week, he has been distraught because I am paying someone $600 of his money to excavate a hillside and he wants to rent heavy machinery and do it himself. Ummmmmm.... NO! I am not renting a back hoe for him to sit on it drunk er buzzed! I'm not out of my head!

If you genuinely love and cherish your wife, give her a year of sobriety. Step up and be her husband and do your part! I would trust my husband more and not feel like I had to run the homefront if he could give himself first and us as a family a years worth of sobriety to start anew. I can't tell you how I wish he would take over and just take care of me instead of me having to sphere head everything. It sucks not to be able to count on the very person who promised you the world, to love and protect you and cherish you for all the days of their life not watching them get sloshed every day of their life. It hurts Fallow! You learn to build a wall now get to chipping.

DreamsofSerenity

I don't want to be rude but I'm completely baffled by your post. I have kids, am an over-protective codie mother, and for the life of me can't see why this is such a big deal. I'm sure the day care provider hires reliable substitutes. I'd worry more leaving a 2 year old with a friend who didn't have a totally child proof home. I DO understand that any change in the routine is unsettling, but not why you are making this into something so monumental when you have legitimate monumental issues to deal with such as your recovery.

I also don't see what your wife did as being wrong, or her response to you as being inappropriate. In fact, I think she showed incredible restraint not getting mad at you. I would have told you where to go stick it, not that it would have been right. Your wife probably did just forget to tell you. Or maybe she ran out of energy and didn't feel like dealing with you about it. So without really understanding the whole situation, I also see this as your control issue.

I'm just trying to offer my perspective, not insult you in any way. In fact, it is commendable you want to be so involved in your daughter's life. I also commend you for your new sobriety. Staying sober is the number one thing you can do for your child's safety. Maybe try looking at this situation as something neither you nor your wife had any control over (the day care provider leaving for the day), and recognize you are on the same team (you both want the best for your daughter.)

Lulu39

It's going to take your wife a lot longer than 16 weeks of you being sober to trust you again, that's if she ever does.

You've been absent from your wife for years while you were in love with your bottle and neglecting her and your child, yet you think that 16 weeks of being sober is going to cut it? It doesn't. You haven't even skimmed the surface of her hurt and confusion.

Why might your wife forget something? Human beings forget stuff. Human beings are fallible. Furthermore, when a woman is married to an alcoholic she soon learns to "forget" a lot of stuff as there is no point discussing anything with a drunk.


There is so much that is wrong with what you wrote up there ^^^, I can't even attempt to address it in the way I would really like to. So I say this:

Your wife grew up in an alcoholic family and is therefore an adult child of an alcoholic, married to an alcoholic and you expect her to act like everything is fine and that you are AMAZING for being sober for 16 weeks? And you listen to those family members? And you find fault with her being defensive?


I am familiar with something like this.

I do not like your tone, there is an arrogance in what you write that makes me as the former wife of an alcoholic feel very, very uncomfortable.

I think you need to stay on your side of the street. You were the person in the relationship necking the bottles of alcohol. Deal with that in your sobriety and try to do it with serenity and with grace.

I hear a lot of denial and blame in what you posted. Your wife has been practically tortured by your alcoholism. 16 weeks is not enough time for her to forgive or forget.

I think you need to cease trying to find fault with your wife who somehow has managed to stick around gestate, birth and raise your child while you were out of it.

Damn straight she's angry. She is probably angry with you AND with herself for picking an alcoholic to marry and try to raise a child with.

16 weeks of sobriety and it seems you expect/want your wife to wake up one day and pretend that she trusts you and pretend that she believes your sobriety will continue and that you are the king of the world who knows what is going on and how to deal with everything?

You have been absent from your family for years. Would you expect your wife to allow a stranger to walk in and take over and parent your child?

You ARE that stranger.

LifeRecovery

Congrats on your sobriety. This is a huge step.

When I read this above what I could feel emotionally was if I took the "topic" out and put "alcoholism" or problem drinking in its place, any of us that love someone with an addiction could have written it.

We all have struggles and challenges in life, when you were active in your drinking would any of the above have worked for you?

I am not saying that you don't get to be concerned, work on it or heal from it, individually and as a family, but it came across to me as you were trying to "fix" something for someone else, and I have had to learn that it is not possible to control someone else in that way.

redatlanta

Hey you are simply in a difficult situation. You have been an alcoholic/addict for most of your marriage. Unless you are the rare never before seen "special alcoholic" this means your wife was picking up the slack in many ways - on here you are getting responses from the other side (primarily) we have been there and done that.

So my feeling is some of the anger you are experiencing is built up resentment over her taking care of things for 2.5 years while you were drinking and drugging. You have every right to question about the care of your daughter, and valid in your feeling that your wife responds poorly to being questioned about the how's and the why's of issues. My response would probably be the same - anger - something along the lines of 'Seriously, you have no idea what I have taken care of while you weren't sober and NOW you want to question ME about MY ability and/or decision making"?

Does that make sense to you?

Now you guys have to figure out HOW to communicate. This defensiveness of her's is also quite viable in that you have relapsed MANY, MANY times. This may be the longest you have ever stayed sober but I would think she is on pins and needles a bit waiting for the shoe to drop again as it has so many times.

You both can succeed in this - and I hope you do. I know you said your wife attends Al Anon but has she been through the 12 step portion of it?

thislonelygirl

I have to agree with everyone. youve got some good advice here. it seems that there are a handful of alcoholics who get sober leave their spouses and pick away at things. dont be that guy. you focus on you and what you are doing to be a better parent and spouse. keep working on that,be involved in your recovery and in being a communictive kind husband and remember your wife is not your annoying roomate....she is the woman who loves you and stood by you through the worst of things (alcoholism one of them) and who while you were away drinking...cared for the well being of your daughter.

Bluegalangal

THIS. , Lulu39.

wanttobehealthy

This post has challenged me because reading it brings up all the frustration from many, many years of being married to an alcoholic who rather than focus on himself, spent most of his time pointing out my flaws.

Whether you realize it or not or intend it or not, your posts are coming across as someone who may physically be sober but who still very much has an alcoholic mindset.

You are intent on focussing on the failings of your wife and have what reads as an arrogant approach to minimizing your contributions to the state of your marriage and your wife's frustration with you.

If that is true then I question why your focus is so laser focussed on your wife. You have been sober, you say, for 4 months. How long were you drinking? Do you actually think that when you were drinking that you were participating equally in your marriage? Perhaps you do think that but I can assure you, you're probably the only alcoholic out there who could actively drink and behave as an alcoholic and still be an equal partner.

The amount of responsibility your wife had to take up because you likely could not be counted on to be reliable/predictable is something you should be grateful for because someone had to be that person for your child and she was. Instead, you are acting as if she's committed a cardinal sin because she forgot to tell you something. How often did you "forget" to tell your wife things when you were drinking? My guess is a lot. Perhaps your anger about her forgetting is really projection. You probably lied a lot to her over the drinking years and claimed it was innocent forgetting. So, do you assume that is what she is doing when she genuinely forgets? Ask yourself that. I was accused of every underhanded behavior on the planet by my AH when he was sober and drunk and what I finally realized is that in pointing fingers, all he was doing was really projecting HIS issues and his behaviors. Ask yourself how many of the behaviors you are busy pointing fingers at your wife about are actually behaviors of yours?

This is an arrogant, self righteous statement that is something I heard variations of from my AH many a time. Don't worry about her resolving "her" issues. Worry about yourself. It seems you are busy focussed on her so that you don't have to look squarely at you.

More arrogance. You are pointing fingers about her allegedly refusing to deal with her issues when you have 4 months of sobriety after YEARS of drinking. Sobriety does not mean you are dealing with your issues and your posts are increasingly blaming and judgemental which tells me you may be physically sober but mentally your mindset appears to be that of an active alcoholic.

And you have a right to dictate this why? Your wife forgets to mention something and you now get to dictate/control/demand that she no longer drops off or picks up??? Wow. Seems to me you have a need to control things and that's not cool at all.

I think humility is a center stone of recovery and you don't seem to have that.

My take for what its worth since you asked is this: any alcoholic who stops drinking and isn't actively working on recovery is sooner or later going to be angry and agitated and fall into all the dry drunk syndrome stuff. You seem angry and rather than work on YOU and focus on YOU, you seem to be wanting to explain away your anger by finding fault with your wife.

If in fact you are in recovery, I think you ought to share your posts with your sponsor and see what response you get. Or post them on the Alcoholics board. My bet is that you'd get called out just as you are here for not focussing on you.

Tuffgirl

Ok folks - if this thread triggers you - please do not post. Rudeness never solves anything.

Fallow, I am going to share the best advice I got from open AA meetings when my now XAH was in early recovery and after a mere 3 months was telling me I had to deal with my anger issues. Wait a year, if not two, for him to remain sober. Then go to marriage counseling.

Until then, being so early sober, your head is trying to right itself after years of abuse. What bothers you so much now may be a very minor annoyance in a few years, after the brain has time to heal and you develop new coping strategies through AA.

You've done a lot of damage to the cells in your brain. Are you absolutely sure you aren't viewing this through your own warped filters? That if you simply dropped these "issues" you think she has (and she may have!) for now that they might resolve themselves over time?

Or, you can be my now X, who forced my hand because I wasn't recovering fast enough for his timeframe. Last I heard, he was spotted sitting in a bar, drinking by himself. I, on the other hand, am busy putting back together the pieces of my life that were destroyed by his alcoholism. Am I angry? You bet! But I would have stayed in the marriage, if he had given me time to work my own recovery my own way.

If you value your family, your marriage, you will slow down. Take things one day at a time. Check yourself with your sponsor and AA fellows because at 4 months, you recognize your thinking is not completely up to par. You'll find things to be grateful for in your wife and family, instead of focusing on the negative. And you will thank your HP each day that you still have this opportunity to have a family. Because obviously they love you enough to allow you to stick around.

Take what works and leave the rest.
Peace,
~T

Santa

Exactly - frustration and anger. The last person I could trust, while he was drinking and I was taking care of our children, was the first (and actually the only person in my life) to say he could not trust ME. Which he did routinely.

fairlyuncertain

This thread is interesting to me.
Alcoholics get a lot of attention.

Fallow, you put a ton of emphasis on your daughters' safety. Unless she's famous, safety isn't a drama of security guards and badasses. Want your child to be safe? Get sober, boring and calm, and stay there. Forever.

ETA: and buckle up and make sure her safety seat is properly installed. Have your car properly serviced. That's more important than knowing about staffing changes at the daycare. If the daycare is legit, they all had background checks.

But I'm addressing your concerns as if they are based in logic. It sucks being an alcoholic, and it sucks being angry, and maybe your wife sucks because if she was a better person, she would stop triggering your desire to drink, so **** her, because she's making it hard for you to stay emotionally solid, and if she would just behave better, you'd have an easier time, so maybe you'll just dump her and run and then these feelings will go away, but they won't, and now that alcohol's really gone, not a tool to help you cope anymore, you're like a skinless baby. It gets better. It really does. And no one around you even needs to change! Keep going strong!

petmagnet

Hi, Congrats on your 4 months of sobriety, it's a good start! I will tell you the one thing my AH's counselor told him. Consistency and reliablity over time rebuilds the bridge of trust plank by plank. It's not instantaneous. It takes time. 4 months in the broad spectrum of life isn't very long at all. But, it's a good start, keep it up, don't be impatient.

marie1960

Fallow,

They always say its actions and not words we are supposed to pay attention to.

And I've heard the old joke that a woman will never pick a fight with a man while he is cleaning.

What I am getting at, is, have you tried to lighten her load? Perhaps a couple weeks of catching up on some overdue chores, and helping keep up with the daily tasks will maybe help her relax a bit. I do believe it's possible to over communicate. In those instances we are feeling "right" so we must drive our point home.


What about a date night for the both of you? Get to know each other again. Healthy relationships require work and effort. Perhaps if she is reintroduced to the guy she fell in love with, in time her anxiety will be reduced. I have to agree she had not let her guard down yet, possibly living on pins and needles ... in anticipation. I can feel empathy for her.

Sometimes it's the basic things we need, to help us get to the next level. A little human kindness goes a long way.

stella27

A little kindness does go a long way, Marie. Thank you for the reminder.

MsPINKAcres

Two of my favorite slogans are "Progress not Perfection" and "How important is it?"

For me, I constantly have to remind myself I'm not perfect and neither are my loved ones ~ I need to remember to show them the grace that I would like to be shown as I struggle thru my life trying to learn to live a better, healthier way and

of course - How important is it - does it affect my breathing? if not, then it may not be as important as I am making it ~

Just what works for me - take what you like and leave the rest ~

continued good thoughts & prayers for the very best for you & your family

pink hugs

Fallow

Wow I am so grateful for every post in this thread.

Im on my phone but just want to say thanks real quick.

I do need to be a part of F and F for lots of reasons.

Things are going well for my wife and I today, and a lot is changing.

Will post more later.

wanttobehealthy

Happy for you both. Truly.

amooseoncebitmysister

Hi - congratulations on your 4 months, may it last and may you be truly in recovery.

You might look into "nonviolent communication." The small bits I've learned have helped a lot.

What you see as over-controlling on her part is, in my own experience, a HUGE herculean attempt to find/add stability in the chaos of living with an active alcoholic - whether it's family of origin (I'm a child of an alcoholic, too) - or alcoholic spouse. Man, by the time I moved out, I was trying so hard to control everything and keep things going that I was exhausted and sick and had nearly lost myself in the process. Perhaps it is the same for your wife.

Strongly urge you to cut her a break. Try compassion - after all, while you were drinking, you weren't really *there* and you likely have no idea how it was for her.

The longer you stay sober and in recovery, the more apt you are to earn her trust.

That said, and I may draw some ire for this, I've learned that I (as a formerly-enabling codependent) also played a part in the dysfunction of my marriage. Once I learned to turn the focus to my own self, things changed for the better for me, and oddly enough, for my AH.

Be patient, read as much as you can in this section (many wise posters here!), and be kind and gentle to yourself and your wife.

Best wishes