Fedupfrog

Hi everyone, thought I'd start a new thread rather than add to the last one.
Links to my old ones: Sorry if they don't work, not sure how to do it.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ay-strong.html

+

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-promised.html


So as you know I decided to leave my AP, flew home etc..... He then asked for my help with a detox as he was also returning home to the UK - obviously he also had in his head that he could change my mind.

He arrived back some 6 days after me, after managing a flight and a long train journey whilst in a bit of a vodka induced stupor (so much for the 'I can't even move from from bed' attitude that he has after a long vodka stint)

I told him I would help him only if the alcohol stopped, I was out of there if he tried to continue as there was no way I was going to sit and watch ever again.... He began detox the next morning.

I had planned to stay for the dangerous part of it (he's previously had seizures during detox) then it was agreed his parents would come pick him up (they live the opposite side of the country to us) but they changed arrangements twice which ensured I was a little forced to stay
I know why they did = a ploy to make us spend time together and try and work things out, thinking they were 'helping' us - I can forgive them for that.

Once he became more lucid he began apologising and wanting to talk about what happened - for him the realisation had just hit.
I explained that NOTHING he said/done would change my mind, believe me he tried to change it - from offers of permanant antabuse implants for life to marriage proposal and him saying he would sign his house to me, he would give me time to think about things etc...
I stood firm and kept repeating that as of Friday (yesterday) we would definitely be going our seperate ways and he quietened down a little, he started to speak with his Mum about it and made plans for his immediate future so it seemed he accepted our fate.
Then Friday came.
We both felt like a death sentance had been imposed on us, it was awful and I spent the morning very teary, he seemed to cope well (medically controlled I believe) up until I received a text from my step dad to say what time he'd be picking me up, then it all went a bit hysterical....lots of sobbing from us both, him begging me, more apologies, explanations and promises.
When I had to go we physically couldn't pull apart from each other and as I walked out of the gate he stood there looking so broken, my heart shattered into a million pieces right then.
This is the first time in my life that I've had to walk away from someone who I deeply love and care about but know I can't be with them. With my ex it was easier as I'd detached years before the actual split came (16 years of pure hell will do that, I think)
My poor step dad didn't know what the hell to do with me, I was inconsolable in the car
I won't lie - at many points I doubted myself and wanted to stop this madness, pain and torture for both of us and simply stay but I refused to listen to my heart - whatever it was that made me strong was still carrying me through and I trusted myself.

So here I am, back at Mum's, looking for work and not knowing how in Gods name I'm supposed to go on/move on from here.
I'm so emotionally fragile/devastated/heart broken, I just don't feel I have any more strength left to move forward.

I've seen my GP a few times since my return but he just seems very eager to get me on Anti-D's (I've previously had severe long term depression) but I don't want them at this point - I don't want to feel numb, I want to try and deal with this now, not store it up for later.
I've got an initial assessment with the mental health team in just over a weeks time, to see which counselling will be of benefit for me - hopefully that will help a little.

So there you go - my epic update thanks for reading and for all your support, it means a lot xxxx

keepingmyjoy1

Thanks for the update and way to go! You did such an amazing job of following through in taking care of you even after helping him the way you did! You showed such strength. You inspire me...thanks for sharing!

Pelican

(((hugs)))

I think that took an enormous amount of courage to walk away. I believe you were doing what is best for yourself, as much as it hurts right now, it was a healthy step.

I hurt deeply after ending my marriage to my AH. I was emotionally raw, fearful, and hurting. Somehow I survived that period of grief. I relied on the support of this SR family, Alanon, and a few friends who understood.

Ending a relationship can affect us the same as loss due to death. We experience some of the same emotions during the loss/ending of a committed relationship.

It helped me to be aware of the emotions as they were coming. I read in "Codependent No More" about the stages of grief. As they washed over me, I was able to identify them, feel them and release them. Sometimes they all occurred in the same day, sometimes it felt like they occurred in the same hour!

Be gentle with yourself as you pass through this grieving process.

dandylion

Fedupfrog, you have given a vivid example of the fact that one can have great courage and fear (pain, etc...) at the same time. We don't have to wait for pain to go away i n order to act.

Congratulations. I feel so proud for you.

sincerely, dandylion

Quish16

Fedupfrog - thinking of you. I have huge admiration because you are so very brave! It is so hard to walk away from someone you once loved and maybe still do. I admire your courage and hope ti all works out.

DreamsofSerenity

You are incredibly brave and strong! And FWIW, I totally agree about holding off on the the anti D's for now. Allowing yourself time to experience all the painful emotions is the best thing you can do for your longterm mental health. Hugs.

LexieCat

Staying would NOT have stopped the madness, pain and torture for either of you--it would have continued as things were, which is why you left to begin with.

I know it's painful, but you have done the right thing. The pain will ease with time and eventually go away.

Hugs,

honeypig

Fedupfrog, echoing what others have said. You are brave and steadfast! Staying would not have provided the happy ending you want, as you well knew, and it took real strength to push past that and walk into your new life, albeit your knees were surely shaking and your heart was definitely breaking.

You're an inspiration to others; you certainly are to me! Hugs to you, prayers for you.

Fedupfrog

Thanks Keeping x

Pelican - I'm trying to keep tight hold of the fact it was a healthy step, I really am. I agree it does feel like a death but I think in some respects it's worse as you know you can physically still see, touch and speak to that person IF you wanted to. Thank you for your post x

Dandylion - Thank you so much x

Quish - Thanks, I don't feel brave.... I'm kind of feeling 'whyyyy have I caused myself this huge heartache?' but of course I know why. x

Dreams- Thanks, glad someone understands what I mean about the anti D's, my GP is concerned, I understand that but I don't want to feel forced to take them 'just in case' I need them - I will honestly ask for them if I feel the need.

Honey- Thank you for the kind words x

Lexie - Thanks for your reply x
I know that but yesterday was way worse emotionally than what has ever happened between us before and so much more painful but like I said - I didn't listen to what my heart was trying to tell me.

I guess I'm kind of at the - I'll never know now if he really could have changed - I'm highly doubtful, he said to me that I wasn't fair as he didn't realise I was so serious, apparently if I'd of 'shown' him that I meant business then he could of took action ??? It's easy to say though isn't it? maybe yes, maybe no - I have to live with that.
Also I'll probably soon see.... if he gets drunk he WILL contact me again.
We've agreed to no contact for a few months (the sober him has) to allow us some head space but then after we'll see if we can be friends when he returns again in the summer.
At the moment he's respecting that and hasn't tried to contact since I left yesterday, which I'm a little surprised but glad about as it only makes things more difficult.

I'm still struggling to shake off the emotional meltdown that I experienced just over 24 hrs ago but I feel maybe distance is going to help me a little.....
His place is like 2 Kilometres from where I am, in the same small Town but he's gone to the other side of the country today with his parents and will (next week) fly back to Poland without me. Don't ask me how I'm hoping it will help - just praying it will to be honest.

Thank you all again - I actually cried when I read all of your replies xx

Fedupfrog

Hi guys,
I've been quite positive today after a horrendous day yesterday which culminated in me taking a prescription sleeping pill (usually I won't) but I felt I was becoming irrational, over emotional and ratty and unable to think straight due to not sleeping well for the last few weeks.
It done me the world of good and I slept for 12 hours straight

I've spent most of today job hunting - there's many vacancies in my field at the moment so I applied for damn near all of them Hopefully I'll start hearing from them over the next few days to complete the telephone and online interviews before hopefully making to the real interview stages.... keep your fingers crossed for me please. I need this distraction.

Hope everyone's had a good day xxx