Hi everyone, thought I'd start a new thread rather than add to the last one.
Links to my old ones: Sorry if they don't work, not sure how to do it.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ay-strong.html
+
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-promised.html
So as you know I decided to leave my AP, flew home etc..... He then asked for my help with a detox as he was also returning home to the UK - obviously he also had in his head that he could change my mind.
He arrived back some 6 days after me, after managing a flight and a long train journey whilst in a bit of a vodka induced stupor (so much for the 'I can't even move from from bed' attitude that he has after a long vodka stint)
I told him I would help him only if the alcohol stopped, I was out of there if he tried to continue as there was no way I was going to sit and watch ever again.... He began detox the next morning.
I had planned to stay for the dangerous part of it (he's previously had seizures during detox) then it was agreed his parents would come pick him up (they live the opposite side of the country to us) but they changed arrangements twice which ensured I was a little forced to stay
I know why they did = a ploy to make us spend time together and try and work things out, thinking they were 'helping' us - I can forgive them for that.
Once he became more lucid he began apologising and wanting to talk about what happened - for him the realisation had just hit.
I explained that NOTHING he said/done would change my mind, believe me he tried to change it - from offers of permanant antabuse implants for life to marriage proposal and him saying he would sign his house to me, he would give me time to think about things etc...
I stood firm and kept repeating that as of Friday (yesterday) we would definitely be going our seperate ways and he quietened down a little, he started to speak with his Mum about it and made plans for his immediate future so it seemed he accepted our fate.
Then Friday came.
We both felt like a death sentance had been imposed on us, it was awful and I spent the morning very teary, he seemed to cope well (medically controlled I believe) up until I received a text from my step dad to say what time he'd be picking me up, then it all went a bit hysterical....lots of sobbing from us both, him begging me, more apologies, explanations and promises.
When I had to go we physically couldn't pull apart from each other and as I walked out of the gate he stood there looking so broken, my heart shattered into a million pieces right then.
This is the first time in my life that I've had to walk away from someone who I deeply love and care about but know I can't be with them. With my ex it was easier as I'd detached years before the actual split came (16 years of pure hell will do that, I think)
My poor step dad didn't know what the hell to do with me, I was inconsolable in the car
I won't lie - at many points I doubted myself and wanted to stop this madness, pain and torture for both of us and simply stay but I refused to listen to my heart - whatever it was that made me strong was still carrying me through and I trusted myself.
So here I am, back at Mum's, looking for work and not knowing how in Gods name I'm supposed to go on/move on from here.
I'm so emotionally fragile/devastated/heart broken, I just don't feel I have any more strength left to move forward.
I've seen my GP a few times since my return but he just seems very eager to get me on Anti-D's (I've previously had severe long term depression) but I don't want them at this point - I don't want to feel numb, I want to try and deal with this now, not store it up for later.
I've got an initial assessment with the mental health team in just over a weeks time, to see which counselling will be of benefit for me - hopefully that will help a little.
So there you go - my epic update
thanks for reading and for all your support, it means a lot xxxx