an update as promised
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26
Hi everyone, I want to say a huge thank you to those that gave me support to stay strong when I needed it.
So - Tuesday..... I documented my afternoon on here and it just went from bad to worse, if you recall I'd offered to stay with him while he detoxed before I was going to fly home.
He chose not to accept and bought vodka, he steadily drank and drank through late afternoon until reaching a level of drunkenness I never wish to experience EVER again. He smashed the flat up while I tried to stop/calm him (it didn't take much to stop him in his state) He had been begging me to travel home (he also wants to return to uk) with him then he'd respect my wishes and we'd go our separate ways. I kept saying I'm not travelling with you - I didn't want to escort him as if he were a child.
I was so frightened
He fell asleep and I sat there looking at him and something said 'this is it...GO' so I did.
I quickly sent message to my sister to tell her to expect me, quietly got ready, silently removed my cases/bags and closed the door behind me.
I dragged 2 huge cases along the street to a cafe where I got a lady there to call me a taxi to the airport.
I was 12 hours early for my flight and I sat there half terrified he'd come to get me or worse actually come to get the flight - he did neither, thank the Lord.
There was a guy at the airport who was waiting like me as he'd missed his earlier one and he was looking out for me and was making good company- up to the point he tried it on with me
AHHH MEN!!!!!! GRRRRR! 
So after a few harsh words and I moved away from him I didn't have long to wait for take off.
After a long journey I got to my Mums, threw all my bags in and went straight to the house I shared with my exA and swiftly emptied that of all my belongings - the relief is immense, the peace is heaven.
I was really worried as I'd not heard from him at all in over 24 hours (very unusual) and I prayed he hadn't carried out his threats to hurt/kill himself.
I didn't want to try and contact him so text his dad just to ask if he'd heard from him - he had so I was satisfied it was just a threat.
I heard nothing more until today - he's sent messages to say he's sorry blah blah blah and begged me to speak with him - I did as there's no risk/chance of him changing my mind about anything -I won't go back to him - I'm 100% sure of that.
Anyway, I could hear a voice in the background so asked who it was - his uncle has been staying there with him because he's completely smashed the place to pieces and cut his wrist with the glass, which needed stitching :@ Idiot!!!
His last words of the call where 'It's true what they say you know....you really don't realise what you've got until it's gone'
Hmmm!! way too late for that matey!
So - Tuesday..... I documented my afternoon on here and it just went from bad to worse, if you recall I'd offered to stay with him while he detoxed before I was going to fly home.
He chose not to accept and bought vodka, he steadily drank and drank through late afternoon until reaching a level of drunkenness I never wish to experience EVER again. He smashed the flat up while I tried to stop/calm him (it didn't take much to stop him in his state) He had been begging me to travel home (he also wants to return to uk) with him then he'd respect my wishes and we'd go our separate ways. I kept saying I'm not travelling with you - I didn't want to escort him as if he were a child.
I was so frightened
He fell asleep and I sat there looking at him and something said 'this is it...GO' so I did.
I quickly sent message to my sister to tell her to expect me, quietly got ready, silently removed my cases/bags and closed the door behind me.
I dragged 2 huge cases along the street to a cafe where I got a lady there to call me a taxi to the airport.
I was 12 hours early for my flight and I sat there half terrified he'd come to get me or worse actually come to get the flight - he did neither, thank the Lord.
There was a guy at the airport who was waiting like me as he'd missed his earlier one and he was looking out for me and was making good company- up to the point he tried it on with me
AHHH MEN!!!!!! GRRRRR! So after a few harsh words and I moved away from him I didn't have long to wait for take off.After a long journey I got to my Mums, threw all my bags in and went straight to the house I shared with my exA and swiftly emptied that of all my belongings - the relief is immense, the peace is heaven.
I was really worried as I'd not heard from him at all in over 24 hours (very unusual) and I prayed he hadn't carried out his threats to hurt/kill himself.
I didn't want to try and contact him so text his dad just to ask if he'd heard from him - he had so I was satisfied it was just a threat.
I heard nothing more until today - he's sent messages to say he's sorry blah blah blah and begged me to speak with him - I did as there's no risk/chance of him changing my mind about anything -I won't go back to him - I'm 100% sure of that.
Anyway, I could hear a voice in the background so asked who it was - his uncle has been staying there with him because he's completely smashed the place to pieces and cut his wrist with the glass, which needed stitching :@ Idiot!!!
His last words of the call where 'It's true what they say you know....you really don't realise what you've got until it's gone'
Hmmm!! way too late for that matey!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow--pretty harrowing escape. So glad you made it, and you got your stuff and are safe at your mum's.
Please see what you can do about blocking any further attempts to contact you. I know you are feeling strong right now, but it's very insidious the way they can manipulate. It's sort of like the advice for alcoholics in early recovery--don't hang around bars. If you keep hanging around the barbershop, you are likely to get a haircut. If you allow a manipulative alcoholic to contact you, you are creating the opportunity to be sucked in.
Hope you get some peace in your life now.
Please see what you can do about blocking any further attempts to contact you. I know you are feeling strong right now, but it's very insidious the way they can manipulate. It's sort of like the advice for alcoholics in early recovery--don't hang around bars. If you keep hanging around the barbershop, you are likely to get a haircut. If you allow a manipulative alcoholic to contact you, you are creating the opportunity to be sucked in.
Hope you get some peace in your life now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I had the same thoughts as Lexie when reading your update. I know you feel 100% right now, and I"m not doubting you. Just remember this disease is baffling and cunning. The next best thing you can do for yourself, now that you're free,is go No Contact. He is going to start quacking, I promise you. Don't even allow him the forum to do it. Block calls/texts/emails. You'll be glad you did.
Really Really happy you're safe.
Really Really happy you're safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26
Thanks guys,
I know I'm 100% sure now and I know I'll stay that way, NOTHING will allow me to forget nor forgive him for the hell when I was in a relationship and lived with him, nothing!
I don't need to block him at the moment, he's not actually doing anything wrong, he's being polite and friendly etc... - I've explained perfectly clearly to him that IF we can ever remain friends in the future - it will be without the alcohol, I will never speak to him when he's drunk and if he tries to harrass me when he gets back to the UK then I'll
A) involve the police
B) move somewhere he won't find me (I've sisters/family all over the UK) and change my number and never speak to him again.
He was proved wrong this time as he didn't expect me to actually leave (his words, apparently he's still shocked but understands he pushed me to do it) I think he'd think twice before pushing my limits again.
I don't want to see him at the moment - maybe that will change, maybe it won't but I know I can never nor would never want to have a relationship with him ever again. I don't hate him, perhaps I should after everything, but I don't, I've spent the last few years of my life with him which certainly wasn't all bad and it's hard and such a shame to simply say FU! to the sober him.
I appreciate we've all got different opinions and feelings on the subject of our A's and ex A's but that's how I feel at the moment, maybe he'll **** me off and I'll block him completely from my life, maybe he won't - I'll just have to see but I know I'm strong enough to deal with it whichever way it goes xx
I know I'm 100% sure now and I know I'll stay that way, NOTHING will allow me to forget nor forgive him for the hell when I was in a relationship and lived with him, nothing!
I don't need to block him at the moment, he's not actually doing anything wrong, he's being polite and friendly etc... - I've explained perfectly clearly to him that IF we can ever remain friends in the future - it will be without the alcohol, I will never speak to him when he's drunk and if he tries to harrass me when he gets back to the UK then I'll
A) involve the police
B) move somewhere he won't find me (I've sisters/family all over the UK) and change my number and never speak to him again.
He was proved wrong this time as he didn't expect me to actually leave (his words, apparently he's still shocked but understands he pushed me to do it) I think he'd think twice before pushing my limits again.
I don't want to see him at the moment - maybe that will change, maybe it won't but I know I can never nor would never want to have a relationship with him ever again. I don't hate him, perhaps I should after everything, but I don't, I've spent the last few years of my life with him which certainly wasn't all bad and it's hard and such a shame to simply say FU! to the sober him.
I appreciate we've all got different opinions and feelings on the subject of our A's and ex A's but that's how I feel at the moment, maybe he'll **** me off and I'll block him completely from my life, maybe he won't - I'll just have to see but I know I'm strong enough to deal with it whichever way it goes xx
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I hope you will rethink the wisdom of remaining in contact with him. Even if YOUR resolve is strong, he is a very sick individual. Remember, he was sometimes "not so bad" when you were living with him, too. That didn't prevent him from going berserk on you. So even if YOU have no notions of ever being more than "friends"--in his sick, alcoholic state, he might have other ideas. So you might be inadvertently encouraging him. You won't necessarily have any warning if he gets drunk and tries to break into your house, for example. And don't think that's a far-fetched idea. I prosecuted men exactly like him for over nine years. Sometimes with tragic results.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26
I understand what you're saying Lexie but I won't simply leave him completely alone to continue to self destruct (he's asked for my support,I haven't offered it), he has no one else really, It does matter what he's put me through, of course it does, but I can't turn my back on him when he needs support, I'd do the same for any friend, maybe I'm too soft hearted, maybe I'm stupid but I can't, at least, not try - I've protected myself in ways that are of huge benefit to me - ending the relationship, leaving him, detaching emotionally and for me they are all irreversible, no matter what he says or does.
I've asked myself over and over- what if he stops drinking and then the charm starts and the lovely sober him is here??? but I always come to the same conclusion = I'd never trust him, I'd always have in the back of my mind that he 'can' drink again and I don't want a relationship where I'm afraid of what if's and even without that I just don't feel the same way about him and never will.
He doesn't blame me for ending it, he's surprised I hadn't sooner and accepts it, of course, if I remain in contact there may well be blips along the way but I've made myself perfectly clear - We can be friends, I'll help him how I can but my deal breaker is no alcohol and that's non negotiable. If he can't/won't return to sobriety and his counselling/support groups then I can't/won't be friends with him.
The ball is in his court now.
Obviously all choices are his and I can't control what he does (I don't want to) he's already spoke to his Alc team here and has appointments for his return - so we'll see how that goes, I can be supportive as a friend but I won't try to manage his life he has to take back control by himself and push himself to counselling, health, study, work etc.....
I can only hope that it works out for him, he sounds like he wants this but of course we all know that A's can convincingly promise you gold then give you sh*t.
If he fails and chooses to continue the life he has at the moment, I will end contact completely but I know it will be a hell of a lot easier than what I've just done.
I'll keep updating.
I've asked myself over and over- what if he stops drinking and then the charm starts and the lovely sober him is here??? but I always come to the same conclusion = I'd never trust him, I'd always have in the back of my mind that he 'can' drink again and I don't want a relationship where I'm afraid of what if's and even without that I just don't feel the same way about him and never will.
He doesn't blame me for ending it, he's surprised I hadn't sooner and accepts it, of course, if I remain in contact there may well be blips along the way but I've made myself perfectly clear - We can be friends, I'll help him how I can but my deal breaker is no alcohol and that's non negotiable. If he can't/won't return to sobriety and his counselling/support groups then I can't/won't be friends with him.
The ball is in his court now.
Obviously all choices are his and I can't control what he does (I don't want to) he's already spoke to his Alc team here and has appointments for his return - so we'll see how that goes, I can be supportive as a friend but I won't try to manage his life he has to take back control by himself and push himself to counselling, health, study, work etc.....
I can only hope that it works out for him, he sounds like he wants this but of course we all know that A's can convincingly promise you gold then give you sh*t.
If he fails and chooses to continue the life he has at the moment, I will end contact completely but I know it will be a hell of a lot easier than what I've just done.
I'll keep updating.
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