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Reverse Psychology

Old 04-02-2013, 08:54 AM
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Reverse Psychology

My AW is hell bent on drinking herself to death. I can't stop her but it scares me to death to have her driving to the store to buy more booze. Thinking about trying a new tactic. Buy her a case of vodka and a carton of cigarettes. Tell her to have at it but don't drive. Anyone ever try anything like this? How did it work out?
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Old 04-02-2013, 09:01 AM
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Bad idea. If you can't live with her drinking, leave. Buying booze, locking up booze, monitoring drinks, any kind of control tactic is doomed to fail.
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Old 04-02-2013, 09:17 AM
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Take away the car keys so she can't drive anywhere. If she has a wreck you might be liable also as her husband.
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Old 04-02-2013, 09:19 AM
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Dear hayfmr, I tend to agree with Lexie---the best way to let her hit bottom is to get completely out of her way. I understand that you don't know where her bottom is.

I also understand that none of these decisions are easy. Even the most "right" decisions can be the most painful ones to carry out. However, I don't imagine that there is any pain that is worse than what you are already living with right now.

If your life has any value to you--take care of yourself. There is no value in sacrificing your own happiness. You are just as important as she is. What you are doing isn't helping her, anyway.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 04-02-2013, 09:24 AM
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that is a very bad idea. and i think you know that! if you concerned about her driving, disable the vehicle or sell it or move it off the property where she can't get to it. shut down ANY access you are giving her to funds. and then get the heck out of there.
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Old 04-02-2013, 11:45 AM
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There is no value in sacrificing your own happiness. You are just as important as she is. What you are doing isn't helping her, anyway.
Thank you very much for this, dandylion. I am saving this to my journal. So simple, and so true. (for me anyway )

Hayfmr,

Please leave her to her alcoholic madness. Anything that you do now is becoming a challenge for her to overcome.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Save yourself.

Beth
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Old 04-02-2013, 11:54 AM
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What you are talking about is harm reduction, and I think it's a good idea. People get over alcoholism, but they don't get over being dead or killing other people in an accident. If you can prevent her from hurting others, then that's what you should do.

You can Google "HAMS network" to find a site that has a lot of ideas for harm reduction.
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Old 04-02-2013, 12:04 PM
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I am grateful that my AW never drinks and drives (to my knowledge), but I know that could begin at any time. The potential personal liability if she harms someone while driving drunk is a huge concern for me.

One thing I did several years ago was add an umbrella liability policy to my homeowners insurance, I highly recommend you do that if you haven't done so already. You can get several million in coverage for a few hundred dollars a year, well worth the peace of mind.

This is small consolation if someone is hurt or killed, but under the circumstances, perhaps the best you can do.
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Old 04-02-2013, 12:09 PM
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Hide the car until you are no longer liable in any way for damage she may cause. Alternately, call the police and report her when she is driving under the influence...every time.
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Old 04-02-2013, 12:18 PM
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I know the thought of her driving like that is scary. My AH drives home from the bars drunk. Not safe, and scary as far as liability should he kill someone, but I have learned to let that go. I can't stop him or make those decisions for him. My hope is that he gets picked up for DUI eventually. But I would never in a million years buy him a case of beer and tell him to stay home with me and the kids that way. I don't want to be responcible for helping him dump that down his throat nor have the kids be around his inappropriate behavior. We are better off with him at the bar. I used to try to keep him a long time ago from going back out if he had been drinking by taking his keys or blocking the door, but it just turned nasty. So, now if he insists he needs to leave, he leaves. Let go and let God. It's not really for me to control.
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Old 04-02-2013, 12:28 PM
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I briefly liked the idea of taking or disabling the car (that would simple enough, just pull the coil wire or the ignition fuses). The trouble is, depending on how resourceful the A is, it is a simple matter to have the car towed and fixed, rent a car, buy a new car, call a cab, call a friend, what have you. So how effective this would be depends on the particular circumstances, whether the A would accept it. I think it might be worth a try to just ask her to not drive. Maybe take the car and give her cab vouchers? It depends so much on the actual circumstances. If Hayfmr divorces his AW and disengages, she will be free to do as she chooses anyway as soon as they are split, so anyone's ability to control this situation is, in the grand scheme of things, very limited.

As I am learning myself - the conventional wisdom is that all attempts to control the A's behavior are ultimately doomed to fail, and at best, only going to delay the inevitable.
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Old 04-02-2013, 01:39 PM
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I think bad idea. I will relate a story I heard recently from my EXAG's aunt. While EXAG was in grade school, her mother was an active abusive alcoholic. Father was a professional and worked, mother was a stay-home mom. Father tried everything to get her to quit, but she wouldn't. As he was concerned for their daughter (EXAG) coming home from school to a drunk mom, he made a deal with his wife. He would bring her vodka and drink with her as long as it was after their daughter went to bed.

Fast forward- mother died in her sleep a few years later due to vodka ingestion. 15 years later father was a vodka alcoholic that fell and had massive brain trauma. He no longer drinks, but is not all together there (Alzheimer-like). And another 5 years later, daughter just got her 4th DUI with Vodka in the car and sits in jail.
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Old 04-02-2013, 02:02 PM
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Tried it with AGF ... now the binges get deeper and longer. The last one was was prompted me to join this site... I am of the conclusion that I cannot protect her from herself even if she says she wants me to, and despite any effort all paths seem to lead to the same desolate place.
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Old 04-02-2013, 02:38 PM
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If you buy her the alcohol, you have now become part of the problem. Don't think at some point it won't get thrown back in your face. How can you be mad at me when YOU bought the booze??? And there is NO guarantee that she won't still go to the store for more. You can disable the car, the A will find a way.

We have to learn to surrender, that we are powerless over this disease. As long as you find ways to cushion the blow, it will certainly continue. It is her right to decide her own path, and if she chooses to drink there is nothing you can do about it. What you CAN do is take care of yourself. Find AlAnon, get help for yourself.

I know you're in a tough position. When my RABF was actively drinking, I was worried sick when he would leave the house in the car. But I had to leave him to his Higher Power. He did eventually rear end someone, and it was the bottom that finally got him to seek treatment. Had I interfered, he might still be drinking or even dead today.
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Old 04-02-2013, 04:31 PM
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Pass the burden to the police

It's not our job to watch over drunk drivers. WE PAY, IN OUR SOCIETY, A POLICE DEPT. TO DO EXACTLY THAT!
Ok, I'll stop yelling.
Police dept. Number 1 job is PUBLIC SAFETY.
Call. They can even start to respond to you by first name, heh...who cares...maybe the squeaky wheel does get the grease over time.
I'd give the same advice to anybody on here. You know a drunk driver? Call, rat them out. Mr. Cop--She's at it again. She took X route, she's driving X car make/model, she's going to her usual haunts--you know them, I've told you them before.
At some point, the police dept., unless it's run by the mafia, and she's part of the familia, will respond and seek to find her, and never tell her who called them.
It's their JOB! We PAY THEM to do this!
Put the pressure on them to do their job, then sit back and relax. You did your part. Now it's up to them.
If she kills somebody, or herself, your conscience is clear. You tried, and that's all any of us can do.
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Old 04-02-2013, 05:46 PM
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When we're desperate we're willing to try anything. I started looking at the person my XAB's problem was causing me to become. I had to let go of him. He was hell bent on drinking no matter what I did.
Every time you think about what you can do about her problem, ask yourself what you can do for you. You're the only one you have control over.
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Old 04-02-2013, 08:56 PM
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I thought she drove her car on two flat tires and had it towed? What does she have left to drive?
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Old 04-02-2013, 09:08 PM
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Old 04-02-2013, 10:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Recovering2 View Post
When my RABF was actively drinking, I was worried sick when he would leave the house in the car. But I had to leave him to his Higher Power. He did eventually rear end someone, and it was the bottom that finally got him to seek treatment. Had I interfered, he might still be drinking or even dead today.
I don't think the other people on the road would have been comforted that you were leaving it to his Higher Power instead of the police, and I'm pretty sure the person he rear ended wouldn't be consoled by the fact that it was his "bottom".

Shouldn't public safety trump recovery?
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Old 04-03-2013, 02:35 AM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
Hide the car until you are no longer liable in any way for damage she may cause. Alternately, call the police and report her when she is driving under the influence...every time.
Perhaps if she then tried to take your car, you could also call the police for drinking, driving, and auto theft?
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