hubby1980

This is going to be a bit long winded and I apologize.

I am here because I have a high functioning alcoholic wife. We meet 7 years in a bowling league in Washington D.C and got married two years ago (2010). I'm 32 and she's 42, so not a typical relationship.

From the moment i meet my wife she's been a drinker. In fact her whole family is that way. Her father is a heavy drinker her cousins and her siblings. Her grand parents were all drunks, especially susceptible to the wine and she's no different.

When we first meet I didn't think to much of it. I was 25 years old, just out of college and stupid. I like to party on occasion but am not a heavy drinker at all. In fact I'll have a few drinks maybe 1 night a week. Both of my parents are not drinkers so i was a bit naive of her situation and their family.

However, over the years i've noticed a pattern. She starts drinking the wine shortly after work, gets on the phone with her siblings (whom are drinking simultaneously) and after a few hours of talking to them, she is drunk and obnoxious. She does this like 3 or 4 times a week, sometimes more depending on her mood and schedule. She is worse on the weekends and starts in the early afternoon.

She is good at her job, thank god, but i think the drinking and smoking stems from boredom, lack of hobbies and its consistent.

Fortunately, there has been no physical abuse directed towards me or between us when she's drunk, but she is emotinoally explosive and abandoneed me at a state park (hr. away) a few months back while drunk and drove home. She also got a DUI six months ago, but has since not driven drunk. She is obsesive compulsive when drunk, and goes on and on about it, no matter what i try and say to snap her out of it. When she gets like this i can't stand to be around her.

I have tried to encourage her to only have a drink or two after work when she does choose to drink, but VERY OFTEN it ends up being a 2 liter bottle of wine. I've also tried to encourage her to start exercising and eat healthy, but the smoking and boose have taken there toll on her physically. I am no longer that physically attracted to her.

As of now she REALLY feels the tick of the biological clock and wants to have kids. We are going through fertility treatments and I am not at all confident I even want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Am I crazy to stay with this woman? I keep hearing story afte story were people made the exact mistake i made, tried to change the other person with unrealistic expectations, only to be deeply resentful and disappointed of there choice later in life. Should i walk away?

doggonecarl

I don't think it's crazy to stay. But I think it is crazy to have children with this woman.

FireSprite

I was going to say the exact same thing.

Welcome to SR, hubby1980. I hope you take the time to read around the stickeys at the top of the forum because they have some wonderful information that you will likely find useful.

electricalguru

Yes you are crazy to have kids with her. Please do not put any future kids through an alcoholic marriage.

SparkleKitty

Hey there Hubby, welcome to SR. I'm very glad you found this place, but sorry for the reason you came looking.

Many others will be along with wisdom shortly, but I had a deep reaction to the last line of your post: "Now she feels the tick of the biological clock and wants to have kids."

I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACoA). My mother was the alcoholic. She was an angry, withholding, punishing woman who raised three kids. All three of us have had major problems with relationships our entire lives. We grew up emotionally neglected, putting our own needs and fears second to our mother's anger and unhappiness. We grew up feeling we weren't good enough for anyone or anything, nor that we were deserving of love and respect.

I can't advise you on whether or to stay or go. I can only ask you to consider the effects that living with a long-term alcoholic can have on children before you make a decision about her desire to have kids while still drinking. Having kids was not a miracle cure for my mother's alcoholism; there isn't any reason to suspect it will be for hers.

I wish you luck as you learn more about alcoholism and work your way through your decisions.

LexieCat

No, her drinking stems from the fact that she is an alcoholic. Boredom, and lack of hobbies, are the RESULT of alcoholism, not the cause of it. Encourage all you want--it is a waste of your time and hers. Alcoholics lose the ability to make other healthy choices.

I agree with everyone here that it would be a major, major mistake to have children with this woman at this time. Could she stay sober through pregnancy? Possibly. Would that prove she isn't an alcoholic? No--if you read over on the alcoholism forums you will find numerous examples of alcoholic women who succeeded in stopping for the nine months of pregnancy, only to begin again as soon as the baby is born. It is a horrible situation to bring children into. Are you ready to be a single dad, or to battle your alcoholic wife for custody of your children?

There is nothing YOU can do to make her quit drinking. But you CAN do much for yourself--I suggest you check out Al-Anon. Her drinking is certain to get worse, maybe MUCH worse, before she is ready to quit.

choublak

If you have kids with this woman, realize that unlike you, they will have had no choice to be in this situation.

m1k3

What do you want with your life? If you want to get a look at your potential future read this thread.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

MsPINKAcres

Welcome to our SR family

As you can see from the responses, many of us know the affects alcoholic parents can have on children, families, spouses, and on our futures ~

Although your specific situation may be different, I believe as you hang around you may find you have many similarities with most of us ~ we are affected by a loved ones drinking and we are powerless over it.

No one can tell you if it is your path to stay or go ~ but we can provide our experience, strength and hope and lend you our support and encouragement regardless

Don't give up before the miracles happen in you - YOU deserve them

PINK HUGS

BlueSkies1

I would take a hard look at her family and accept that that is what my life is going to look like. It's not simply her drinking, it's her family's way of life. To ask her to change that is probably asking for the moon. Since so many of them are heavy drinkers--whether alcoholic or not is a discussion we don't need to even have imho--her behavior is completely acceptable and normal within her family. Why should she consider living any other way? For them, this is all good. If she avoids DUI's, jail, etc., then theoretically she can continue to drink like she does forever without consequences.
I think it sounds like you are asking yourself some tough questions about what you want the rest of YOUR life to look like....

Recovering2

You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. You can't make her have one glass or one bottle, it's not in your control to control her disease. It's a progressive disease, so plan now that it will definitely get worse over the coming years. You have her family as the example, is that what you truly want for the rest of your life? Only you can decide that. But to bring children into this situation, is in my honest opinion, crazy and selfish. You can decide for yourself to put up with an alcoholic partner, but it's grossly unfair to subject a helpless human being to an alcoholic parent.

Please find an AlAnon meeting near you and start learning all you can. AlAnon is a very safe place to work through all these issues.

piratessmile

Warm welcome to you and sorry for the reason for your search. I am married five years to an AH with some similarities to your situation. Recently I became aware of the damage that the constant exposure and weekly drama had done to me and how I had become codependent on her drinking. This may be something to consider for yourself. Additionally, My AHW and I have a 4YO who is the star of my world. My AH ‘s lies, unfaithfulness, DUIs, wrecked cares, and living with the fear that any of these could take MOM away from family to jail or morgue, or will she drink drive with child in car and take them both away has been a roller coaster that no one should experience.

ChouBlak’s words hit a cord with me. They are simple but straight forward. If you stay in and opt for family, she will always, always be the child’s mother.

I have since learned more about alcoholism and the deep and far reaching ways it wrecks families. I hope you take the time to learn some about the diseases. It helped me a bunch.

I wish you the very best searching.
Sincerely.
PS

Manmust

I'm about to nod off to sleep, but jeez, this sounds like my first post a month or so ago.

I'm comfortable saying don't have kids with her. You will be tied to her in the worst of ways for 18+ years. That's a lot to risk, including an innocent child.

Read about how to handle an alcoholic in your life. Don't try to influence less or more drinking. Remain neutral. Let her take her natural course.

My AGF has progressed so much since I've stopped trying to control. When you stop controlling, you see the madness. Practice detachment. I recently found Buddhism and are practicing releasing my grasp on her. Looking like my AGF will be moving out in a week, and I have a sense of relief. The merry go round of alcoholism is no joy ride for anyone. Jump off when you are ready. You will know when. Just know that you can and are in control of that, and that only.

Elisabeth888

Why on earth would they do fertility treatments on an active alcoholic? Holy smokes!! That is nuts.

Hammer

Anything for a billable event. A quick buck.

Medical Profession + Capitalism = What US is.

goodstitch

Please don't have children with this woman. Working with kids and knowing what they witness and endure with alcoholic parents, not to mention knowing what my own father and his siblings had to endure in an alcoholic home, is so heartbreaking.

I can't say whether you should stay with her. I can only ask you to imagine what your life would be like if you were with someone who didn't cause you such anxiety and distress. I had to think about it in terms of my life being my movie and who do I want to star in it. I'll tell you right now, it's not my XAB.

LadyinBC

If you are not sure about this woman don't have kids with her. Do you really want them to grow up in an alcholic environment? And the chances that they might have a problem later goes up.

You can't change anyone. Even spending your life with a recovering alcoholic who is no longer engaged in drinking has a risk. For me, I can never promise anyone I won't drink again. It's day by day for me and there is always that chance I might fall off the wagon so to speak.

Being an alcoholic is a lifetime commitment! I will always have to be vigilant and I'll never beable to drink "normally" again. I think people have to be realistic about us, I know that I have to be realistic about me anyways.

hubby1980

I guess the hard part i am dealing with is the unknown. I don't know if she will progress to full fledge drunk after giving birth to children or if it will get worse once they are older like her sister. I've seen a reoccuring pattern with her these past few years and honestly I don't KNOW. Then i have doubts about myself and finding someone else and doing the whole family thing (I am 32). I guess I am now a co-dependent so to speak.

The past three years: she has a DUI, left me at a state park an hour from home while drunk, thrown water in my face while I'm sleeping while drunk, pissed and barfed in the bed while intoxicated, gone into screaming rampages directed at me at a resort in Punta Cana, gotten so drunk so often that she's disgusting to be intimate with, that scares the heck out of me. I guess I have to decide how much longer I am willing to put up with this nonsense.

hubby1980

You're right you can't change anyone they have to do it themselves. I believe her in that she wouldn't drink or smoke during pregnancy, but the binge sessions, etc. might start again after giving birth. She says no no no it won't happen and can't happen once you have kids, but somehow I don't believe her. I think she'll slide once potential kids get older. I am trying not to make a big deal of this, because she is a HFA, but still she has serious problems.

SparkleKitty

Don't believe her. It can and does. All the time. There are examples all over this forum. And it will not necessarily wait until the kids are older.

Make a big deal of it. It is a very big deal.