SparkleKitty

The truth hurts because...it's true. But in addition to hurting, it can empower you and set you free.

There isn't a one of us on this forum that has not whole-heartedly wished that our loved one could just be the person we know they can be. It is so terribly sad. You cannot have a relationship with someone's potential, or with the person he is in your head, or any of it. The best we can do is learn to care for ourselves and be the best that WE can be. Keep reading, keep posting. Accepting the truth gets a little bit easier, a little bit at a time. Hang in there.

AnvilheadII

I feel as if I am giving up on him if I leave.

nope you're just leaving hmi the way you found him. he wasn't a Home Depot project!!! NOR yours to fix.

so far the only ones suffering changes, which happen to be DETRIMENTAL, are you and the kids. and that can stop NOW.

if you want to bring POTENTIAL into it....which potential would you rather give the your time love and energy to - that of your small children who have so much yet to learn about life OR a completely grown adult who has SHOWN you repeatedly thru his actions just what he is capable of? (recall DV issue, DUI, arrests, loss of license and ABHORRENT treatment of at least one of YOUR children, etc etc etc etc he doesn't even LIKE one of your kids as it is!!!!!).

Recovering2

Children learn a very dangerous lesson living with an Alcoholic. They learn "Don't Talk, Don't Feel, Don't Trust." Your children are already physically distancing themselves from your AH's behavior. But they will learn the emotional distance too, and take that into their adult relationships. Is that truly what you want for your children??? Forget about what you "want" your AH to do....you have to protect your children first and foremost. These experiences will impact them for the rest of their lives. Read on here from people who grew up with an alcoholic parent, many suffer to this day in their own lives.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, he will only get worse. Worse. There is absolutely nothing you can do or say to make him get sober. If there was, then all of us on here would have cured the A's in our life by now! The only thing you can decide is what you want for you and your kids. AlAnon will help you sort through all this. Educate yourself on this disease, and find the strength to save your kids. (((hugs)))

redatlanta

For me your story is the hardest to respond to.

I do not, simply cannot understand why parents have difficulty choosing safety for their children. I am a grown up, 45 years old - when I stuck around during husband's relapse the only person it affected was ME - grown woman. Your children have no choices except the ones you make for them - why in the world would you subject your child who already has difficulty to a man WHO DOES NOT LIKE HIM? Why do you have more empathy for the drunk in your house than your small, young children? Did you know that children raised in alcoholic households are more likely to be alcoholics themselves, marry alcoholics and have severe emotional issues than children who are not?

What about your ex husband - what if your children start telling him about what life is like in that household. This situation could potentially have very bad results for you.

I do empathize , I really do. I know how hard it is - I understand wishing, hoping, praying. I understand rationalizing, I understand sticking your head in the sand, I understand not wanting to deal with it.

Stay on here and post often - we care, that's why we are honest.

luv2teachkids

Ok...trying not to feel defensive. I know all the posts are said in order to help..but some are hard to swallow.

First, my ex does know 100% details of my situation. He is my best friend, next to my husband. When I left last night, I called him first.

It's not that my husband doesn't like him...he doesn't understand him. When he drinks, it comes out as "I don't like him". Not right in any sense, I know. I am not defending his actions. I shelter my kids like nobody's business. I get them out of the situation as soon as it escalates. Both of my kids talk regularly to counselors, and my ex and I are very open with both kids.

If for even one minute my kids said, let's leave. I would. They worry about him. They want to see him better too. When he is sober, my oldest does interact with him. When he is drunk, they stay clear. His three kids do the same. Now that all five are getting older, they have confronted him (think more like gang up on him) about his drinking. Problem is they have done it while he has been drunk.

He knows it is a problem for him. Tonight, he is sober. He is very quiet and distant. Like me, he is thinking a lot about last night and the last few weeks. I've said it a few times to him in the past few weeks that I can't go on like this. About an hour ago, he came out of our room to get some water and told me he really likes how he feels when he is sober. I just wish he could remember that when he gets the urge to buy more...

I thought today he would buy more. He took money out of the bank this morning. Usually, that is a sign that he is going to buy on the way home. To my surprise, he did not.

I want what is best for me, my kids, his kids, and him. If leaving in the end is what it is going to take, I will. I won't allow him to talk to my kids that way...or his. We will and have left in the past.

Thank you for the support and feedback. I do appreciate it...

AnvilheadII

If for even one minute my kids said, let's leave. I would.

you are the PARENT, this isn't up for a vote by small children who don't have a full spectrum of knowledge to know what is BEST, for themselves or anyone. they might as well say they want to eat twinkies for dinner, every night.

children shouldn't have to WORRY about the adults, steer clear of them when they are drunk and raging, they shouldn't have to hide out in their own home to avoid the out of control belligerent drunk adult.

I want what is best for me, my kids, his kids, and him.

change that to wanting what is best for you and your kids. PERIOD. FIVE kids are being affected by ONE man's selfish, addictive lifestyle, who can't even stay sober for more than a day or so. five kids that will carry these scars into adulthood....five kids forced to live their sweet young lives around whether HE is drunk or not, and whether it's safe to come out of their rooms or not.

LexieCat

Agreed--it isn't up to them. They don't get a vote on something like this. Not that their thoughts and wishes shouldn't be considered and taken seriously, but one of the characteristics I hear over and over from people here, and elsewhere, who grew up with an alcoholic parent, is that they had way more responsibility--for themselves and everyone else in the household--than any child should have. Even if it isn't consciously PLACED on them--the burden and responsibility--they take it upon themselves. They don't get a regular, real childhood. And they grow up thinking that this is how families are supposed to be. And the patterns get repeated all too often.

Nobody here is saying you are a horrible mother. But I think you haven't really considered just how damaging it might be to your kids over the long term. Counseling is good, but it doesn't make up for a bad situation that isn't unavoidable. The kids have a caring father. Changes in your present living situation won't scar them for life. But continuing to live in the present circumstances just might.

redatlanta

Yes I see in your posts that you love your children and his and I do believe under the circumstances of choosing to live there you do your best to shelter them - or they do their best to shelter themselves.

Its just not normal for children to have to worry about their parent or parent figure.

A's are very, very manipulative. They need codies and enablers around to function. When they have pushed their codie to the limit they have a remarkable way of deciding that they enjoy being sober and are very sorry, and don't drink, and see the light and quack quack quack quack quack. It really is a merry go round.

You say you won't allow AH to talk to you or your children "that way" - but you can't control this. By the time you leave its already happened . You are able to limit the exposure to what he says by leaving but you and the kids have already heard it.

Problem is you keep coming back. Leaving works the first time - after that its really ineffective as far as "threatening" the A that his behavior has consequences. So what if you are gone for a night? Not suggesting that you stick around AT ALL when he gets verbally abusive rather, to look at WHAT you have to do in order to manage this situation.

You are trying to manage this situation aren't you? Trying to help and protect him, trying to keep the kids out of the mix of it, trying to protect them when he gets verbally abusive, trying to protect yourself when he gets verbally abusive. You check the ATM to see if he took money out because you know what that means......managing an alcoholic is a full time job.

No one is suggesting that you leave today deciding to leave is a process, and with children it takes planning. I encourage you to get to Al Anon so you can understand your husband's disease more, and so that you can gain insight into what CAN do which will effectively protect yourself and your children. You also need to get some true insight into what a boundary is as how to set them. Leaving when he is drunk is not a boundary. Threatening to leave permanently is also not a boundary it is just a threat. Stopping codependent and enabling behavior is the one thing that MAY have a positive influence on an alcoholic.

Hoping today is a peaceful day for you and your children. Please keep posting we are here for you.

wiscsober

like many posted seek help outside of the relationships...call al-anon helpline..seek help from family, friends, social services, etc. You Are Not Alone. It is always time to break the secrecy of alcoholism and abuse.