luv2teachkids

I am a wife of an alcoholic. I have two kids (not his children) that live with us. He drinks most every night close to a fifth of liquor then gets really really mean. He never remembers what he says/does the next day, but wakes up irritable and still drunk. By around noon, he is normal and sweet again. However, on his way home from work, he buys more and is drunk by the time he gets home for a repeat of the night before.

When he is sober, he is my husband. I love him, and I am happy and at peace. Living with him, however, is like living on eggshells. I never know what I am coming home to. I don't know where to start...

Last night, I left. I went to a friends with the kids and stayed the night. Today he is beyond pissed off at me for leaving. He acts like he could care less about me...yet at teh same time says he loves me. I don't want to give up..but this cycle doesn't seem to be giving up either. ;(

stella27

We know what you're living with.

Our marriage counselor said to me "It would be easier if he would just punch you in the face." Emotional abuse is much harder to pigeonhole as right or wrong when you're living with it. I always thought I was a contributing factor, and in some ways - because I was not detached from him - I was.

I have come to understand that other relationships don't have a "He is a great husband except when he __________." They have "we get on each other's nerves." Meanness is not normal, and to me - in my life - not acceptable.

It can't really be separated from his good qualities. It's part and parcel.

I hear you and we all know where you're coming from. Glad you're here.

CentralOhioDad

.... but sorry for the reason that brought you here. You have found a place where people 'get it'. We all live in different areas of the world, but we all have a common thread. The stories are all different, but the same.

Stick around, read as much as possible, post as much as you'd like, keep an open mind, and realize you are not alone, ever.

Read the "stickies' at the top of the F&F page, there is much useful information there. Here is a reading with which to start: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Best of Luck to you. We're here for you. Protect ourself and your children. Tell us more about who you are. We care.

C-OH Dad

MsPINKAcres

((alexand3r))

welcome to our SR family

glad you are reaching out for help

There are many of us here that have been in similiar situations - we have found help, comfort and understanding here ~ I hope you will find the same.

For me, I found that I needed understanding of the disease of alcoholism - I found this by reading & posting here, attending Al-Anon meetings, reading recovery literature and finding out I had choices in my situation.

Please keep reading & coming back to see what You can find to help you with improving your home life for you & your children ~

PINK HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)

luv2teachkids

I am a mom and teacher. I have two boys, 11 and 12. I also have three stepchildren whom I adore, 10,13, and 14. Together, our five kids are super close. They moved recently to Florida with their mom, so we haven't been seeing them as much as we used to.

I'm a mess...no other way to put it. My AH rules my life at this point. I get powerful and leave...then regret leaving. I wait for him to call. I get upset when he doesn't. I want to hear that he still loves me after saying all those nasty things to me. I know that is so wrong. I am an educated woman. I have three Master's degrees..yet somehow I can't separate from the need I feel to have him love me and treat me right. It is like one or two sober nights a week is all I get....and I cling to those like crazy to get me through to the next week.

CentralOhioDad

From what I've read so far, you base your happiness, and probably the happiness of the household, on his actions and mood. Take back your life! You are important, you matter, your happiness shouldn't depend on some alcoholic's mood du jour.

How do your children feel about his behaviour and rants? They are probably deeply affected by all of this, and they need an outlet, a way to cope. Maybe getting you and your kids in therapy might be a place to start to rebuild their lives.

I hope, that in time, you will find yourself and a way out from under this mess.

C-O-D

LexieCat

Being educated has nothing to do with it. Well, with one exception. You need the RIGHT kind of education--what you can learn here, or in Al-Anon (which I HIGHLY recommend).

We can't teach you how to make him quit drinking, but we can teach you ways to lessen the emotional impact on you and your kids, and help you to get your head clear so you can make rational, good decisions about what you want for your life.

Glad you found us--there is help, and hope.

luv2teachkids

I attempted to go to an Alanon meeting last Monday. As my luck would have it, the meeting was advertised incorrectly and I ended up sitting in an AA meeting for an hour. I did, however, get info on when the meeting is for this week. I plan to go tonight.

My children have always tried to bond with him. I have one son with Asperger's Disease (social skills are lacking). My AH does not like him and does not understand the issue even though he is a nurse! He takes everything personally that my son does, even though my son acts like this to everyone. My son can be the most loving child. He just needs to be engaged first. He will not seek out someone, but when people try, he tries too. AH has no tolerance for him. As soon as he is drunk, his rants become all about my youngest.

I have been with him for 2 years married, and 4 years before that. My kids don't want me to leave, as they fear losing our home and their stepsiblings. I honestly think they just want us to stay here but of course, with things better. They have learned just to stay upstairs and play when he is drunk. They stay quiet and do the out of sight, out of mind kinda thing. Of course, AH sees fault in that too....they don't engage enough, they only come down for food, etc.

I'ts like we can't win...EVER.

I know I can't change him. I know it has to be him. I know I need to take back my own life.....just so clueless where to start.

stella27

Do your children deserve this kind of life?

LexieCat

I can tell you that your kids will suffer much more being in a house with an active alcoholic who is "really really mean" to their mom, who treats them as problems and inconveniences, and whom they have to avoid by staying in their rooms, than to move and lose the close connection with their step siblings. You don't have to make any major decisions this minute, but the well-being of your kids is a huge consideration in what you ultimately decide to do.

In addition to Al-Anon for older teens and adult, there is Alateen for younger kids (around 7 or 8 and up). It can help them to talk to other kids who have to live with an alcoholic in the household.

The "accidental AA meeting" you went to wasn't totally a waste, either. It's important to learn about the reality of this disease--people who are alcoholics are, as you have seen, self-centered in the extreme. Protecting the addiction at all costs is what motivates them, unless and until they become ready to stop. I haven't seen anything in your post to suggest your husband is anywhere near being ready to quit.

What does he say to you about his drinking?

AnvilheadII

My AH does not like him and does not understand the issue even though he is a nurse! He takes everything personally that my son does, even though my son acts like this to everyone. My son can be the most loving child. He just needs to be engaged first. He will not seek out someone, but when people try, he tries too. AH has no tolerance for him. As soon as he is drunk, his rants become all about my youngest.

i can't think of a clearer reason than to get you and the kids away from this person. children have to be protected, they can't protect themselves. hiding in their rooms and only coming out to eat isn't living, that certainly isn't a positive home life....living in fear of the next verbal tirade.

you are not helpless. you can stop this immediately. you all deserve much better.

luv2teachkids

My AH knows he should stop. Two years ago, he was arrested for domestic violence to his exwife. He was drunk there trying to pick up the kids for his visitation. They got in an argument and she called the cops. He left and they were here at our home within a half hour. They let him out the next day, he took anger management classes and attended a few AA meetings. he seemed to improve a bit..especially with the anger. However, he never quit drinking altogether.

Last March, I got a text while teaching that he was in jail. He was picked up for a DUI. He was given a restricted license for three months, put on JAMS (random breath tests twice a month) and probation for a year. In June, he will be done. He manages to drink and pass his tests with no trouble. At noon each day, he calls in to find out if he has to test. If his color is called, he has his choice of going that night or the following morning to blow. Anyone could tell you if he drank, he'd just wait till the next morning to test and not drink the evening prior. It's like he has the system figured out.

He just recently renewed his nursing license. He was so fearful he'd lost it because they asked if he had been arrested. He had no trouble renewing...

When he gets super bad, he feels guilty. He gets sick to his stomach and says he isn't going to drink..yet he usually ends up doing it the next night. At most, I get two nights in a row sober.

luv2teachkids

This is my second marriage. Marriages are supposed to last. I feel like I gave up on my first one too easily and if I would have stayed, I'd be happy now.

I don't want to regret leaving. I want to help him. I want us to be happy.

SparkleKitty

I say this with all the care and empathy I have, as hard as it is to accept:

There is nothing you can do to help him.

You didn't Cause his drinking, you can't Control it, and you sure as heck can't Cure it. If he ever stops drinking it will be because he wants to. You cannot want it for him.

The acceptance of those three C's are the foundation of taking back control of your life and your children's lives. I understand that marriage are supposed to last -- but marriages are also supposed to consist of two people who are both working to maintain the relationship -- not one bent on destroying it and the other bent on picking up the pieces.

Please read the Sticky threads at the top of this forum, and as many other posts as you can stand. Educating yourself about alcoholism is a powerful step towards a better life, whatever that may end up looking like for you and your kids.

skella99

Marriages are supposed to last, but he's not married to you. He's married to his alcohol. If you gave him a choice between you and alcohol, what would he choose?

And your children, you need to protect them. This is not a good, happy or safe place for them. I am sorry you are going through this. I have been through it too. You can choose to live in this environment if you want, but your children cant and its not fair to them.

bless5

He has to want recovery. Sadly, you can't make that happen.

Go to Al-Anon meetings, and keep going. Get the book Courage to Change and pour yourself into educating yourself so you can make some positive changes for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. (((((hugs))))))

AnvilheadII

This is my second marriage. Marriages are supposed to last. I feel like I gave up on my first one too easily and if I would have stayed, I'd be happy now.

Maybe a marriage and a man aren't where you should be looking for your happiness.

Two years ago, he was arrested for domestic violence to his exwife. He was drunk there trying to pick up the kids for his visitation. They got in an argument and she called the cops. He left and they were here at our home within a half hour. They let him out the next day, he took anger management classes and attended a few AA meetings. he seemed to improve a bit..especially with the anger. However, he never quit drinking altogether.

and this is what will happen in your own home one day in the probably not too distant future if he drinks just a little too much or you say the wrong thing. is that what you want? is that what you want for your kids???

this guy was not a good pick for happily ever after. he's too busy being an abusive alcoholic. sorry. it's easier to see from here....but i think you are stuck in trying to rationalize and justify what you know is not a good healthy living situation. i'll say again , you have the power to change this anytime....not change HIM, but change your own life for the better.

luv2teachkids

Why does the truth have to be so hard and have to hurt so badly?

I know what I should do. I'm just having trouble doing it. It is like I see the good in him. I see what he can be. I see the man I do love. I feel as if I am giving up on him if I leave.

CentralOhioDad

You have to understand that the man you say you are in love with is also the abusive alcoholic, there are not two separate people here. Banking on potential will get you nothing but additional pain for you and your children.

As far as giving up on him? My dear, he already did that to you, your children, and himself when he chose, and contunues to choose, the bottle. You need to not give up on yourself and those boys right now. Screw him, ho chose his path. I pray you choose the right one for you.

LexieCat

Look, if you leave for your own sake, and the sake of the children, there is nothing that says you can't reconcile if he chooses recovery and works at it. But the likelihood of it getting better in the immediate future looks pretty slim. He's already been arrested twice. He's already lost one marriage. None of those things have deterred him. Maybe he has to lose more. The question is, are YOU ready to lose more? Your life right now sounds pretty miserable--everyone walking on eggshells or hiding out, while he does his thing and has everyone essentially terrorized. It can get worse--MUCH worse--before he is ready to quit.