Surgery again tomorrow
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((iamthird)))))
I am going to make a suggestion of whom you might call and I don't want you to freak out at what organization it is. I am suggesting this, because they usually have lots of volunteers and might be able to hook you up with a volunteer that is willing to be there with you for these procedures and Dr visits and your chemo.
Please call you local Hospice. Not because you might be dying, but because you need help dealing with all of this! Tell them what you have told us, that you are in Stage 4 Cancer, and your husband has left you and is living with his girlfriend, and you really could use someone to go with you to Dr Appts. Outpatient surgery, chemo appts, etc also tell them that you have no help at home. They also have counselors and one of those might be better than a therapist that tells you what your husband 'should' be doing. J M H O
Hospice does a lot more than just deal with those that are terminal. They have lots of different help and programs to help those with diseases NOT become terminal.
Anyway, your are again at the 'top of the list' on my 3 prayer circles that I belong too. Not that they haven't been praying for you because they have, its just that names get moved around on the list, depending which one 'needs' to be first for whatever reason and right now that is you!!!!
As said before me, know that we are walking with you in spirit, and when you are waiting in the Waiting Room, picture that WHOLE ROOM filled with us from here. It does help!
Love and hugs,
I am going to make a suggestion of whom you might call and I don't want you to freak out at what organization it is. I am suggesting this, because they usually have lots of volunteers and might be able to hook you up with a volunteer that is willing to be there with you for these procedures and Dr visits and your chemo.
Please call you local Hospice. Not because you might be dying, but because you need help dealing with all of this! Tell them what you have told us, that you are in Stage 4 Cancer, and your husband has left you and is living with his girlfriend, and you really could use someone to go with you to Dr Appts. Outpatient surgery, chemo appts, etc also tell them that you have no help at home. They also have counselors and one of those might be better than a therapist that tells you what your husband 'should' be doing. J M H O
Hospice does a lot more than just deal with those that are terminal. They have lots of different help and programs to help those with diseases NOT become terminal.
Anyway, your are again at the 'top of the list' on my 3 prayer circles that I belong too. Not that they haven't been praying for you because they have, its just that names get moved around on the list, depending which one 'needs' to be first for whatever reason and right now that is you!!!!
As said before me, know that we are walking with you in spirit, and when you are waiting in the Waiting Room, picture that WHOLE ROOM filled with us from here. It does help!
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I met with the social worker from the hospital over a month ago. She helped me apply for help with various organizations and charities that offer assistance. Most I have been turned down because on paper I make a lot of money. But carrying a household that was a 2 income household until we separated has been rough. I am check to check. He pays certain bills but its absorbing the entire rent thats killing me. I have been looking to move but Im still trying to find a landlord who will work with me because I dont have money for a deposit. Ive applied so many places and can never come up with the deposit or co-signer.
Today I had to take AH help because I had nobody else to help. He missed work for me and nobody else could or would. However in accepting his help, he verbally abused me several times including calling me a ***** because I was in pain. He got me to and from surgery, waited for me while I was in, picked kids from school, cleaned my house and fixed things, fed them dinner, prepared my meds for during night so I wouldnt have to stand up in night, picked me up so I can go to bathroom. It is so hard for me to understand how the same man that does the good things for me today is also the same man who was cruel today. When I tried to call him on his words he said "Im the one who is here. Im the one who changed my shift and even missed work for you. Not your friends who talk smack or your bible thumping friends is doing for you, I am"
I feel so stuck. I do need his help so Im trying most to detach and get stronger emotionally so his words wont trigger me. I prayed a lot today! I just have to take it day by day and remember he is ill as well and accept the help and ignore the words. I have never been good at detaching but I bought "the languauge of letting go" and I have a lot of laying around to do so I hope that helps.
I will try to contact a hospice facility tomorrow as well and see if there is anything they can do too.
Today I had to take AH help because I had nobody else to help. He missed work for me and nobody else could or would. However in accepting his help, he verbally abused me several times including calling me a ***** because I was in pain. He got me to and from surgery, waited for me while I was in, picked kids from school, cleaned my house and fixed things, fed them dinner, prepared my meds for during night so I wouldnt have to stand up in night, picked me up so I can go to bathroom. It is so hard for me to understand how the same man that does the good things for me today is also the same man who was cruel today. When I tried to call him on his words he said "Im the one who is here. Im the one who changed my shift and even missed work for you. Not your friends who talk smack or your bible thumping friends is doing for you, I am"
I feel so stuck. I do need his help so Im trying most to detach and get stronger emotionally so his words wont trigger me. I prayed a lot today! I just have to take it day by day and remember he is ill as well and accept the help and ignore the words. I have never been good at detaching but I bought "the languauge of letting go" and I have a lot of laying around to do so I hope that helps.
I will try to contact a hospice facility tomorrow as well and see if there is anything they can do too.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I am going to toss something out here. I may be way off base, but I do not think so. I have been sober for many years. I have done a lot of 'people watching' in these years.
Something I have noticed in men, sober men, non alcoholic men, alcoholic men, etc Since childhood many, not all but many have been told "men don't cry."
What this has done is that many, again not all, but many when confronted with a loved one being very sick or some disaster, etc they get GRUFF, they get ANGRY, they spout BAD WORDS, all to keep their emotions from showing. I saw this several years ago starting to happen in my s-i-l and got him over on the side and we talked. I asked him what was he teaching his sons? The same thing he was taught? He has made a great effort to change his actions, so his boys have seen him crying a few times, and my grandsons do understand today that it is A-OK to show ones true feelings, one confusion, ones feelings of somehow being a loser because they cannot 'fix' this.
Now I had a long time ongoing relationship with a pretty special man. Not an alkie, a real kind hearted, 'giving' human being. I lost him to a massive heart attack. However, I digress. A few years back I had a pretty bad scare from a mammogram. The radiologist and the Dr had seen some 'clusters' in the films. Well 'micro clusters' can be indicative of cancer. Many times they are 'dead cancer cells' or new young 'cancer cells' getting ready to 'explode.'
So a biopsy was ordered. Now I would not wish a breast biopsy on my worst enemy, they are HORRIBLE. Anyway, I had worked myself into a real good 'tizzy' and it was escalating. Fortunately I have some really great people I am close to, and they were attempting to talk me into 'calming' myself down. My SO at this time started to pull away and become distant. Later, much later, when the crisis was over we talked and I found out that he did not know how to deal with things like that. That he pulled away because he could not look at me or talk to me without crying and he figured I sure didn't want to see him crying. Boy was he wrong on that one.
So again I found out it was because he too had been raised with the adage "men don't cry."
Now I was very anxious waiting for the results of the biopsy. My Dr's Nurse,
who was his wife, and was a CNP in Dermatology and had her own clients coming into their office, called me at 9:00pm on a friday night because the results had just been posted on the computer onto my records and she did NOT want me to have to go the whole weekend without knowing, she called to tell me that the results were benign. Whew what a relief that was.
Now back to the SO. We worked it out, once he was willing to 'explain' what was going on inside of him. He, btw, never did that again with me. He became very open and yes did seem to have an 'air' about him of being 'freed' from a bondage that he had been under his whole life. S-i-l has that same 'air' about him now.
I am really coming to believe that these actions on their part can happen to any one of them, be they alcoholic, addict, or normie as it seems most men are raised with the adage:
"men don't cry."
Now we women know that is 'hooey' but men seem to pull their belt tighter by a notch, push the ones in turmoil away and even act 'angry' at times, just to keep the tears from welling up in their eyes.
Think about it, how many of you out there have seen this very same thing happen to males in your circle, be they an A or not?
I know, I am being an 'arm chair psych doc' on this one. I cannot quote any written papers or studies on this. IT is just something I have observed over the last almost 32 years. My awareness started at only a few months sober, and talking with my second sponsor, my sponsor's hubby, lol and he was telling me about this 'men don't cry' b.s. and how he was slowly getting through to his sponsees, one sponsee at a time, that this hogwash was just that hogwash. That it took a 'true' man to be able to show his emotions.
So ............................. take what you can use and leave the rest, afterall it is just my humble opinion
.
Love and hugs,
Something I have noticed in men, sober men, non alcoholic men, alcoholic men, etc Since childhood many, not all but many have been told "men don't cry."
What this has done is that many, again not all, but many when confronted with a loved one being very sick or some disaster, etc they get GRUFF, they get ANGRY, they spout BAD WORDS, all to keep their emotions from showing. I saw this several years ago starting to happen in my s-i-l and got him over on the side and we talked. I asked him what was he teaching his sons? The same thing he was taught? He has made a great effort to change his actions, so his boys have seen him crying a few times, and my grandsons do understand today that it is A-OK to show ones true feelings, one confusion, ones feelings of somehow being a loser because they cannot 'fix' this.
Now I had a long time ongoing relationship with a pretty special man. Not an alkie, a real kind hearted, 'giving' human being. I lost him to a massive heart attack. However, I digress. A few years back I had a pretty bad scare from a mammogram. The radiologist and the Dr had seen some 'clusters' in the films. Well 'micro clusters' can be indicative of cancer. Many times they are 'dead cancer cells' or new young 'cancer cells' getting ready to 'explode.'
So a biopsy was ordered. Now I would not wish a breast biopsy on my worst enemy, they are HORRIBLE. Anyway, I had worked myself into a real good 'tizzy' and it was escalating. Fortunately I have some really great people I am close to, and they were attempting to talk me into 'calming' myself down. My SO at this time started to pull away and become distant. Later, much later, when the crisis was over we talked and I found out that he did not know how to deal with things like that. That he pulled away because he could not look at me or talk to me without crying and he figured I sure didn't want to see him crying. Boy was he wrong on that one.
So again I found out it was because he too had been raised with the adage "men don't cry."
Now I was very anxious waiting for the results of the biopsy. My Dr's Nurse,
who was his wife, and was a CNP in Dermatology and had her own clients coming into their office, called me at 9:00pm on a friday night because the results had just been posted on the computer onto my records and she did NOT want me to have to go the whole weekend without knowing, she called to tell me that the results were benign. Whew what a relief that was.
Now back to the SO. We worked it out, once he was willing to 'explain' what was going on inside of him. He, btw, never did that again with me. He became very open and yes did seem to have an 'air' about him of being 'freed' from a bondage that he had been under his whole life. S-i-l has that same 'air' about him now.
I am really coming to believe that these actions on their part can happen to any one of them, be they alcoholic, addict, or normie as it seems most men are raised with the adage:
"men don't cry."
Now we women know that is 'hooey' but men seem to pull their belt tighter by a notch, push the ones in turmoil away and even act 'angry' at times, just to keep the tears from welling up in their eyes.
Think about it, how many of you out there have seen this very same thing happen to males in your circle, be they an A or not?
I know, I am being an 'arm chair psych doc' on this one. I cannot quote any written papers or studies on this. IT is just something I have observed over the last almost 32 years. My awareness started at only a few months sober, and talking with my second sponsor, my sponsor's hubby, lol and he was telling me about this 'men don't cry' b.s. and how he was slowly getting through to his sponsees, one sponsee at a time, that this hogwash was just that hogwash. That it took a 'true' man to be able to show his emotions.
So ............................. take what you can use and leave the rest, afterall it is just my humble opinion
.Love and hugs,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
laurie---I THINK YOU HAVE HIT ON SOMETHING, HERE!!!! I HAVE WITNESSED THIS OVER AND OVER THROUGHOUT MY LIFE.
Many men are literally struck with horror at the sight of a woman crying. They will do anything to get it to stop. It seems to be almost universal that men are afraid to feel helpless----or, vulnerable.
I saw written somewhere, that there is one exception to the "crying rule" in the male world---if they are involved in an activity that is considered a Manly activity. For instance, if they have just won or lost a superbowl game---tears of disappointment or joy are acceptable.
Helpful hint----If you want to test a man to see how comfortable (or not) he is with crying---show him the movie: "Marley and Me" . My husband tried to hold up the end of his shirt so that I couldn't see his face near the end of this movie. At the very end of the movie we were both weeping openly!!!!
Thanks, laurie for this interesting, and, I think, insightful observation.
dandylion
Many men are literally struck with horror at the sight of a woman crying. They will do anything to get it to stop. It seems to be almost universal that men are afraid to feel helpless----or, vulnerable.
I saw written somewhere, that there is one exception to the "crying rule" in the male world---if they are involved in an activity that is considered a Manly activity. For instance, if they have just won or lost a superbowl game---tears of disappointment or joy are acceptable.
Helpful hint----If you want to test a man to see how comfortable (or not) he is with crying---show him the movie: "Marley and Me" . My husband tried to hold up the end of his shirt so that I couldn't see his face near the end of this movie. At the very end of the movie we were both weeping openly!!!!
Thanks, laurie for this interesting, and, I think, insightful observation.
dandylion
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((iamthird)))))
I am thinking of you and sending healing thoughts and prayers. You also remain at
the top of the list on the 3 prayer circles I belong to.
Hope you are feeling a bit better today!!!!!
Lots of love and bunches and bunches of hugs,
I am thinking of you and sending healing thoughts and prayers. You also remain at
the top of the list on the 3 prayer circles I belong to.
Hope you are feeling a bit better today!!!!!
Lots of love and bunches and bunches of hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
you are in my thoughts too, in the UK we have local support groups of people who have been through similar things, and charities who will help out those who have need with transport etc, perhaps soemthing to think about when your strength is back.
You are LOVED Iam, I hope you can feel it.
You are LOVED Iam, I hope you can feel it.
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