Surgery again tomorrow
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Surgery again tomorrow
I have portacath and feeding tube to be implanted tomorrow, outpatient surgery.
I feel like its so emotional every time I go to dr. Theyre always asking me who is with me, etc...and I have to say "no one". I usually have a friend or coworker drop or pick me up from procedures but nobody sits there anxiously awaiting an update.
I was lying here and I go back and forth between reading bible, coming on here, reading self help books, journaling but mind still goes off on its own at times. My therapist says I deserve a husband who would take care of me and shoulder the financial and emotional responsibility that comes with me being ill...but i dont have that and have to accept that my husband abandoned me and is an active A and cannot care for me because he cannot care for himself.
He keeps telling me that he wants me to rely on him but I cannot trust it. I can trust he will pick me up and drop me off, get prescriptions and take care of logistics but I dont trust him that he wont throw it in my face later or share details of my illness with his enabling girlfriend who has thrown my illness in my face before. Its like he doesnt understand why it hurts me that my husband has a girlfriend and Im facing this illness without my partner. He says I should appreciate him since my family of origin is not anywhere to be found. He doesnt see he has let me down so much I cannot let him in again!
Stage 4 is scary! Im positive but I have to be vulnerable somewhere and where better than here on SR.
Cancer seems easier to deal with than my separted AH!
I feel like its so emotional every time I go to dr. Theyre always asking me who is with me, etc...and I have to say "no one". I usually have a friend or coworker drop or pick me up from procedures but nobody sits there anxiously awaiting an update.
I was lying here and I go back and forth between reading bible, coming on here, reading self help books, journaling but mind still goes off on its own at times. My therapist says I deserve a husband who would take care of me and shoulder the financial and emotional responsibility that comes with me being ill...but i dont have that and have to accept that my husband abandoned me and is an active A and cannot care for me because he cannot care for himself.
He keeps telling me that he wants me to rely on him but I cannot trust it. I can trust he will pick me up and drop me off, get prescriptions and take care of logistics but I dont trust him that he wont throw it in my face later or share details of my illness with his enabling girlfriend who has thrown my illness in my face before. Its like he doesnt understand why it hurts me that my husband has a girlfriend and Im facing this illness without my partner. He says I should appreciate him since my family of origin is not anywhere to be found. He doesnt see he has let me down so much I cannot let him in again!
Stage 4 is scary! Im positive but I have to be vulnerable somewhere and where better than here on SR.
Cancer seems easier to deal with than my separted AH!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I'm so sorry you are going through this without his support. You aren't alone though.You have all of us on SR, as well as your HP. Think about how strong you will be someday from this experience. You'll be able to handle almost anything!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Sweetheart. You need to accept some help now. You may well need to ask for it.
Ask for some help from the people you know in real life.
Let down your guard.
Trust the people who have helped you so far.
Let them in and let them help. They want to. Most human beings are nice people. Most human beings are not like your AH.
Ask for some help from the people you know in real life.
Let down your guard.
Trust the people who have helped you so far.
Let them in and let them help. They want to. Most human beings are nice people. Most human beings are not like your AH.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
iamthird-
I think I would also find the cancer "easier." There are steps and processes to take and for me those would be more straightforward and I would have an internal list of 1. get port 2. get PEG and I could cross those off.
Get a new support system is harder to make on that list, figuring out why this is happening cannot be put on the list and it would be so disjointed and jarring for me.
I wish you luck today, I am sure the procedure will go well, but luck in getting the rest and care you need (physically, emotionally and mentally).
I think I would also find the cancer "easier." There are steps and processes to take and for me those would be more straightforward and I would have an internal list of 1. get port 2. get PEG and I could cross those off.
Get a new support system is harder to make on that list, figuring out why this is happening cannot be put on the list and it would be so disjointed and jarring for me.
I wish you luck today, I am sure the procedure will go well, but luck in getting the rest and care you need (physically, emotionally and mentally).
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
:ghug3:ghug3Dear iamthird, Please reread Lulu's post over again! She is soo right. Ask for help from the people around you. You will be surprised how people will respond if you just ask---or allow yourself to accept their help. Asking for help is verrry hard to do for many of us---esp. if we have been the ones who always help others.
Also, in hospitals there are social workers who are there to serve you. Talk to them and co me "clean" about what you need. The have the resources that you can plug into. I promise you that there are resources that you know nothing about. (I am a medical person--spent my life in hospitals).
Learning to recieve help is as important as being willing to give it. It takes self love for us to accept help with grace and gratitude.
I wish I l ived near you---I would go with you and feel privileged to "wait" for you.
I am thinking about you and holding you in my heart,
dandylion
Also, in hospitals there are social workers who are there to serve you. Talk to them and co me "clean" about what you need. The have the resources that you can plug into. I promise you that there are resources that you know nothing about. (I am a medical person--spent my life in hospitals).
Learning to recieve help is as important as being willing to give it. It takes self love for us to accept help with grace and gratitude.
I wish I l ived near you---I would go with you and feel privileged to "wait" for you.
I am thinking about you and holding you in my heart,
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear iamthird, by the way--there are clergy on call for every hospital. Call ahead when you are scheduled to go in--they will be happy to come and sit a bit and talk--and pray, if you wish, when you are going to have a procedure o r simply a doctor's visit.
Ask and ye shall recieve--really.
dandylion
Ask and ye shall recieve--really.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Yes!!! Dandylion is right on the money! I've spent my career in hosptals as well, there is more support than you think out there! Request a Social Service consult, and definitely ask for a clergy person. I know this procedure is out patient, so the clergy may not be available this time, but it doesn't hurt to ask.
Praying that everything goes without a hitch, and you're back home resting soon. I think about you all the time, so even when you don't know it, there are those of us out here wondering how you're doing and saying a little prayer for you. You are not alone.
Praying that everything goes without a hitch, and you're back home resting soon. I think about you all the time, so even when you don't know it, there are those of us out here wondering how you're doing and saying a little prayer for you. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Prayers from me, iamthird.
Ditto to Lulu's post. I am HORRIBLE at asking for help, so I can relate. But I am also really GOOD at feeling sorry for myself without doing the actions to remedy what I am needing. It's such a bad habit.
I think its also easy to stay in this place because it allows you to blame your husband. And I say this with kindness, because again, I have been in the same place, so I understand how easy it is to stay there and feel justified.
But hon, you are responsible for your own life, and you can create a support system right now that you can rely on. It's ok to ask, and I know I would never take it upon myself to force my help on another (learned that lesson well) so asking is necessary.
Think about it. You may be your own worst enemy right now, and what a horrible time to be doing that!
Peace, and take good care,
~T
Ditto to Lulu's post. I am HORRIBLE at asking for help, so I can relate. But I am also really GOOD at feeling sorry for myself without doing the actions to remedy what I am needing. It's such a bad habit.
I think its also easy to stay in this place because it allows you to blame your husband. And I say this with kindness, because again, I have been in the same place, so I understand how easy it is to stay there and feel justified.
But hon, you are responsible for your own life, and you can create a support system right now that you can rely on. It's ok to ask, and I know I would never take it upon myself to force my help on another (learned that lesson well) so asking is necessary.
Think about it. You may be your own worst enemy right now, and what a horrible time to be doing that!
Peace, and take good care,
~T
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
adding my pink prayers for you and especially that your HP would send you a trusted friend to walk thru this with you so you don't have to rely on someone so unhealthy and as painful as your AH - someone you can feel safe with ~
healing pink hugs
healing pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
I can understand somewhat seeing I just had cancer surgery on my lung 2 weeks ago. Do you attend a church? Friends at work? If so, I'm sure there are more than willing people out there waiting to hear the need. Being a codie I usually was the one running for someone in need so it can be hard for us to ask for help. You can do it, and I'm praying this too shall pass and God will bring you over this mountain!
God Bless
God Bless
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