still hurt by ex ah

Old 05-01-2004, 05:52 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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still hurt by ex ah

how come after 6 weeks and working on myself and the decision from me leaving my ex ah , do i still feel hurt when i see him with a new girl or when someone tells me something about them? i will have such good days then i hear something and my heart pounds. i knew the marriage was over and i wasn't happy, why do i feel like this? it still seems like he is having a good time while i am here going to aa and alanon and choosing not to go to a bar to pick someone up (like he did and for the simple fact that i might pick up someone like my ex) i am trying to make good choices for my daughter and he gets a high life? i dont understand how much they could get away with. he drinks and drives 3 times a week and gets away with it, shits on his family and one previous marriage and gets away with it. some days it just angers me so much, i try to get my attention off of him but it doesn't help because at least once a week i see him, he comes get the baby or i talk to him on the phone. like the other day all of a sudden he was alone and let me go on and on about my feelings, he never let me do this, ever. it was like he wanted to talk. oh i am so confused. please help
Old 05-01-2004, 06:33 PM
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Re: still hurt by ex ah


Six weeks is no time at all. Imagine if someone you loved died, would you be past it in six weeks? Not a chance. Your relationship died and it is that much harder because he didn't and you still have to deal with him. You will always have to deal with him because of your child...he's not going anywhere.

Now think for a moment that it is just slightly possible that he is not having the gay old time that you imagine. Our minds play games with us especially when feelings are running close to the surface. You will never make me believe that he went through a divorce and is not hurting. His way of dealing with it happens to be different than you. And he does not have a child to keep him company or keep him grounded.

When he keeps your child overnight can you even stand to stay home? I know I couldn't when it was me.

Be careful of that "grass is greener" thinking. It is not productive.

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Old 05-01-2004, 06:40 PM
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Re: still hurt by ex ah

Hi Journey1.

Along with insight, you need time to heal. Six weeks is not enough time to turn your whole life upside down and then right it again. Grief at the end of a relationship is usual. Knowing jealousy doesn't serve me hasn't kept me from having some painful twinges. Please be patient with yourself.

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Old 05-01-2004, 07:07 PM
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Re: still hurt by ex ah

people without a program make the same mistakes over and over and over. your ex will have the same success with another woman as he had with you.. simply because.. he hasnt changed. and unless he picks a total doormat he wont be any happier with her than with you.. and visa versa.

all you can do is avoid him as best you can.. and with time clarity comes that balances the "new" memories that you are holding onto that hurt.. start to balance with the "truth" of how bad things were that made it so you divorced him.

i struggle with it too.... but.. it gets easier.. take one day at a time.. one step at a time.. and one phone call to an alanon friend at a time.

it hurts yes.. but it hurt worse, for me at least, to be with the ex. i get rose colored glasses once in a while.. that hurts to remember the few good times we had together.. but the reality is.. the bad is there.. real bad. and unless he changes.. she will see it too.
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Old 05-02-2004, 06:42 AM
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Re: still hurt by ex ah

Did you feel great when you were with him? No. You were sad when you were with him and you are sad now. The difference is that the sadness you are feeling now will lessen and, eventually, go away. The sadness you had with him wasn't going to go away.

Just because it is the right thing to do doesn't mean it will be easy.
Keep trying. I'll be thinking of you -
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Old 05-02-2004, 06:53 AM
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Re: still hurt by ex ah

It seems to me like there was a Sex and the City episode that claimed that it takes half the time you were together to get over a relationship. So, say, if you were together for five years, you wouldn't really be over it for two and a half years.

Grieving is a long, hard process, and there are no shortcuts.

If your ex were truly happy, he wouldn't need the alcohol. Alcohol is there to fill the empty places in his life.

Have you tried practicing gratitude today? Can you make a list of what you're grateful for? I am grateful that you have the gift of life today, that you have a child you love, that you were strong enough to release yourself from the bonds of alcoholism. You are on your way to a healthy life. If he's still drinking, he isn't; it doesn't matter how happy he seems.
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Old 05-02-2004, 07:07 AM
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Re: still hurt by ex ah

I can't add much to what has been already said, but just take time to grieve the loss of the relationship and heal. It takes time, but it will get better.

If talking about him hurts, then make it clear to your friends who feel compelled to fill you in that the topic is off limits. Talk to us, to a counsellor or to someone at a live meeting, and share anything that is troubling you. Sometimes sharing with friends who have no clue or haven't been where you are invites unwelcome input that hurts.

We're here and we care and we understand.

Healing Hugs
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Old 05-02-2004, 12:10 PM
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Re: still hurt by ex ah


6 weeks i shardly time enough to get over a relationship with someone you had a child with and were married to.

My counsellor told me at least a year to grieve through a relationship. It takes time to feel the feelings even if it was negative and work through all the stuff.

And your ex isn't happy don't worry about that. He's a prisoner of his addictive lifestlye. Nothing changes if nothing changes and he hasn't changed.

You mentioned you are going to A.A. How long have you been going? I've been in the program 6+ years.

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