tjp613

I know it's unreasonable, but I wish you could have answered him after his very first text, "Sh*t happens." and then said nothing more. He needs to just wallow in his own crap rather than spewing it at you, so practice not engaging. He'll stop eventually. Maybe.

I'm glad you're getting the kids into counseling. That's huge. What about you??

HoopNinja

I think your ex and mine must be evil twin brothers. What a pain.

My question is why do you have to pack for them at all? Doesn't he provide clothes, toothbrush, etc for them while they are at his house. Why does it fall on your shoulders and why is he NOT providing them with what they need while at his place???

Kids hate the tension of coming and going. It is really hard on them. Even though my house is the place of sanity we have "re-entry" when they come home from their dad's house because they need to defuse and blow off what they held in while with him and just try to get back into the mode of being where life is pretty darn predictable.

My ex does the same garbage nasty texting, calls, emails. As soon as it starts I start to ignore hoping he will just move on. My problem is he starts to take it out on the kids. It is a whacky thing.

I am not happy to hear he has a gf and still needs to heap sh** on you. I was hoping xah would get a gf and move on and leave me alone.

If you can, I agree with tjp-try to keep any communication monosyllabic. I have found with xah if I give him too much line he runs off at the mouth way to far.

lillamy

Stella, I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I'm in a similar no-coparenting situation so I do get that at some point you just run out of being polite when you just get sh*t back. I totally get that.

What I was trying to say, I think, is that sometimes I'm so quick to see the jerk in my AXH that I can miss that my behavior was kind of rude. I take for granted that he's going to be a jerk in every situation, and sometimes I may not be fair.

dandylion

Dear Stella, this guy is a very ANGRY, rigid, self-centered jerk. He is m ore i nterested in punishing you than being a parent to his k ids. Shame on him!!! This guy has a lot to learn! He is just QUACKING.

I think you are doing very well under very difficult circumstances. He sounds just like my children's father, after we were divorced. Limiting my contact and exchanges with him--except for the most necessary---was the only thing that "worked". To this day, I still don't talk to him---nothing but crazy verbal criticisms from him.

Just picture him with a large "S" on his forehead to remind yourself that he is SICK. You need not respond and defend or explain anything to him beyond being civil.

I agree with the others that these visitation exchanges are stressful for the children and they will act it out. Same thing happened with my children.

Don't drive yourself crazy over this. You did nothing wrong. Try to relax and forget him while you have some peace and quiet.

Sincerely, dandylion

stella27

Thanks everybody.

Lillamy, your comment made me really think about my reactions to him. I am often late getting places. My boss is not pleased with me (new job - 8 weeks) either. It is't that I don't care. I do care. But with little kids and no help - none - I am lucky to get anywhere, ever.

17 minutes was a real victory after the babysitter fiasco. I was so angry with my children, scared that I would lose my after-school childcare, and irritated with the sitter for being late that the very last thing I needed was his nasty messaging.

I wanted to say YOU raise them. YOU pay for them. YOU teach them, comfort them, heal them from the trauma, get them to school, pack their lunches, pack their suitcases, take care of their hurts, make sure they go to the dentist, have money for the yearbook, are going to middle school where their friends are. I'm NOT your nanny.

I realized when I read your post that I have some healing to do when it comes to my attitude toward HIM.

My friends that I went out with later that night said "he is a bully. You have to stand up to him and tell him he can't talk to you that way."

That's the only reason I gave that second answer - to say "back off". It led to (as usual) an excuse to berate everything about me. It reminded me of why I can't have a normal conversation with him. But I also know that had it been anyone else I would have apologized profusely. Do I fear and dread him? Yes.

I am scared when I go exchange children. I stay where i know the surveillance cameras can see me. I don't talk to him. There's no conversing. Every time he initiates a conversation, question or accommodation, I don't start berating him. I say a lot of please and thank you. I do a lot of appeasing (less than I used to) and I am SICK of being scared and intimidated by someone who couldn't do what I do if his life depended on it.

He was HIDEOUS to be married to. The decline became serious around the time our third child was born and he walked out on the kids and me while on a beach vacation (I'm sure it's all here on SR).

I am so sick of his demands of me. Like I sit around eating bonbons all day and deliberately make him wait.

Thumper

Stella.

First

Second - 17 minutes? Really? his text diatribe over 17 minutes was so out of proportion it relinquishes any sane person from having a dialogue.

Third - your friends are bugging me. I have someone in my life like that. IF ONLY we could decide how other people talk. If Only.

Re-frame this - you my friend are a very strong woman. You are NOT being bullied by him. You divorced him. You've done the ultimate in standing up for yourself. You have not 'allowed' him to talk to you like that. You can't control his words but you have certainly controlled what you accept already. Now you get to do whatever it is that makes your life the most pleasant with no guilt about doing more or less. You can sit back and ignore his ridiculous (and extremely mean) tantrums and do not spend one minute feeling like you should do more to stick up for yourself. You can ignore the fruitcake and it does not make you less. You can respond with an "OK" or an "I apologize for being late." or "I hear you." or nothing but crickets. The response that helps you let this go, to not take his verbal weapons on board and destroy your peace - that is how you stand up for yourself now.

For me personally I would totally ignore any and everything crazy like that if my kids were with me. If they were with him I would respond with an 'OK' or "I understand your point." or "I see." if I felt like I had something to apologize for I would respond "I apologize." He escalated if I ignored him and I didn't want that happening when they were with him but I didn't feel like he was winning. That was just me being smart. In my head I almost always added something - usually quite unkind yet right on target, lol - but it helped me put it in perspective and blow it off.

What I began to see is that if you were on top looking down I was very much sticking up for myself because I left that crazy behind. I was sitting in my house calm and relatively peaceful and he was still going crazy at the other end. But his crazy is not my crazy any longer. I had my own power - and so do you. After my divorce my power was not about changing him, it was about changing my responses - both external and internal.

Warm thoughts your way. The transition between homes is very hard and kids have a tough time with it, even if both parents are perfect. Our counselor helped me set up some routines that I implemented before and after drop off's and after doing that for awhile I really saw some positive results. Anything calming and low stress for the kids, very few expectations but specific things they do so they aren't at lose ends. For myself I did some self-care in preparation so that I could absorb all that ugly and reflect love and peace. Certainly not easy and I was not always successful but it actually worked and it is what they needed.

redatlanta

I would tell him to go F**k himself and hang up. Not kidding.

Who knows what the right way to deal with this so many opinions, be nice, don't engage, engage non-commitily......he likes to terrorize you and make you angry. I feel my blood pressure rising - what a JERK!!

Thumper

You can ignore his demands Stella. Look at the court agreement and follow that and ignore everything else. You do not need his validation. Accept that whatever reality he lives in, it is not about you. If the thinks that all day every day who cares? His opinion no longer matters. You know in your own mind that 17 minutes is nothing, life happens and things come up, you didn't do it on purpose, you can plan differently next time, whatever - it just isn't a big deal and if he's going to go off the rails about it that is his problem, not yours. Your hula hoop contains your transition strategies and your response to things getting off schedule. His hula hoop contains his off schedule responses and how he handles transitions (because the kids were probably no picnic for him either unless he scares them quiet). Currently his off schedule response is to aim missiles at you. Let them bounce right off your hula hoop - they are not yours.

You are a good mom, you are doing it alone, you are doing A LOT, and you do not need him to recognize what you do. Find that validation internally and among other friends or a counselor.

Accepting that my xah has a completely different perception of my life, of our divorce, of me, and letting it go was so freeing. His reality is different. Well OK then. :shrug: So be it. Divorcing is one thing. The process of untangling the emotional enmeshment is another.

stella27

red, I think the right way to handle it is the way that keeps me most sane and stable and functioning.

Thank you for reminding me of this.

theuncertainty

This was a huge issue with AXH when DS would go for his visits. AXH didn't even have car seat for DS - and once even asked to use my car - in addition to me providing extra clothes, etc. None would ever come back with DS, but a fresh overnight bag was always expected. The one time I asked him if they could just use the stuff he already had, I got an earful about all of his money that I was taking (when he wasn't even paying child support.) When he moved in with his GF, that part actually changed and he "had everything" for DS suddenly. *shrug* It made getting DS ready to go a bit quicker.

This is so true. The other part for DS was that he knows he can safely express his feelings around me. He wasn't allowed to be anything but a good boy (happy, playing elsewhere, not bugging the grown-ups...) when with his father. As a result, we got to work through not only his feelings from transitioning back and forth, but from his entire time w his AF.

Setting up routines for getting ready to go and coming home helped DS (and me) a lot.

Sending hugs, I know how hard it was to sidestep AXH's nasty messages. It really was just him being an a**hat and trying to keep control of the situation and, by extension, me. The (admittedly few) times I was able to see it as it occurred for the blustery a**holeness it was helped me realize just how strong I was to have gotten away.

Wishing you peace and continued strength.

Cyranoak

Trying to top asshat. Failing. But may I suggest next time he behaves in such a fashion to simply ignore him? You share kids, you have to communicate. But, you only have to communicate about the children.

On the other hand, it sounds like you have some issues to address with your children and their behavior. Good luck with that, and I mean it (I've been there).

Cyranoak

P.s. May I suggest never delegating your communication about being late to the children. YOU communicate for you. Not them. Send your own text saying, simply, I'm running late. That's it. Don't explain why, don't rationalize why, simply state the facts.

stella27

The children have really but put through the wringer in this situation.

There have been 3 "divorces." The separation August 2009, the divorce October 2010, and my move out of town in October 2012. Each point of disengagement has been very hard on the children and on me. I finally came to the point where I recognized that more exposure to AXH was bad for the children.

He is relentless in looking for a way to get to me. Mostly so he can direct his spew of venom in my direction. I minimize engagement.

I am glad that Thumper brought up that my friends just don't know. They are a married couple - in their 50's and very supportive and kind to kids and me but they are unaccustomed to this level of hostility.

I KNEW how to deal with him - to ignore him and not let him trouble my serenity (not that I am always good at it, but usually), but I let them convince me that I should respond to him. This is a great lesson in and of itself. I *already know" what it takes to detach from him and keep myself safe, sane and stable.

Thanks again.

4MyBoys

Stella, I am going through a similar situation, Sorry for you my dear.

Two pieces of advice I can share from my situation. First, if you need to you can ask the courts to assist you if your ex is being a jerk. Mine constantly sent texts and spoke to me horribly. Document, Document, Document. The courts now say he can only email me. No texts, he is not allowed to call my cell phone, only the house phhone once a night to speak with the boys. He has to leave a message, he cannot keep calling and calling. Oh my life has improved immensely with this in place.........

Second, as someone who had to meet for kid exchanges (he was always late and 15-20 was no big deal, Sorry but it is incredibly annoying!) the best course of action really is to do door to door. My ex has to drive all the way to my town to pick up the boys and I drive to his house to pick up. One long trip on that weekend instead of two half as long. Then really no one is late, just at their own home.

Well just my two cents of what works for me. Good luck it is sooo hard,
4MyBoys