EmmyG

I haven't posted in awhile -- it seems to clear my mind a little when I write down how I'm feeling, even if no one wants to actually read it lol.

My husband, as I've documented well on this forum, has a drinking problem. One or two times a year (on average), he drinks and my life gets turned upside down. We've been married almost six years now, and I know him well enough to know his patterns. When we first got married (after a whirlwind courtship, wherein I completely ignored the warning signs), he wouldn't admit to his drinking being a problem, and would drink around me. At this point, he's not drinking at home, and he's not drinking 99 percent of the time. He goes several months after a bender without drinking. Then, he'll go to a social occasion (he never does it when I'm there) without me, and he'll pick up a drink with the guys, and doesn't stop until he's completely wasted. He has tried meetings, and he says he can't relate to those people because they are all fighting drinking on a daily basis, and he doesn't. We have wine in the house (a client sent us some really nice wine, and we're saving it for my inlaws' visit), and he doesn't touch it, and I don't worry that he'll touch it, because he's not dependent on alcohol. It just seems to be when he's somewhere and all the other guys are drinking and he's not, and he doesn't want to seem weak.

It's so hard for me because the rest of the time, he's a good husband. He's a loving, patient dad, helps me around the house (especially lately, doing dishes, mopping, taking the kids out so that I can have a break), and he works really hard to provide for us. He's always been able to keep his business going. However, a couple of months ago, he went to his client's house for dinner and drank wine. Then, on his way back to the office he got pulled over and took a breathalyzer but refused the blood test. So, we're now looking at his license being suspended for a year, automatically.

Lately, I'm in a really bad place mentally. It's kind of all coming together at once. I've suffered with anxiety since I was a child...I lost a sibling at a young age, and had to spend the first years of my life trying to care-take for my grieving mother. I spent a lot of time cleaning and being a "good" girl to keep her happy. Then, my parents found religion - an extreme religion, which just pushed me further into the anxiety, plus guilt, plus being an outsider at school because I couldn't really make friends or participate in a lot of things.

I have become completely obsessed lately with my husband's issue. I fear the absolute worst. I don't trust him at all when it comes to alcohol. He hasn't been drunk in my presence in about two years. As soon as I know he's drinking, I leave. I can usually predict when he's going to drink -- it's always a social event/guy's night that I panic about, throw a fit about, and he calms me down and says "Don't worry, trust me" and then proceeds to have "just one" and then stops responding to texts, doesn't answer his phone the rest of the night. I eventually get a drunk call, and he's usually in some kind of trouble. He's a terrible drunk - emotional/angry/aggressive.

He never really goes out, he's home pretty much every night. But every once in awhile, something comes up where he gets invited somewhere, and I spend a lot of time worrying about when the next time will be. He always seems to believe it when he tells me he's not going to drink. Right now, he says he won't attend any kind of social event with alcohol until he's been in counseling for awhile to figure out why he keeps screwing up. But I don't want to live this way forever, not being able to let a grown man go anywhere without having to play his mommy.

I told him the other day that I don't want to be his mother, and that I'd rather he be free to live his life and make his own decisions, and I can be free, too. He says he'll do anything to keep our family together. At the same time, I want him to have a social life, and I want to have a social life. I honestly don't go out myself, even when I get invited, because I am afraid if I do it, he'll do it, and I can't take that chance. I always worry, every day, that the next time he drinks he'll end up dead/in major trouble.

Life is too short to feel this way. What's the answer? Leave him, even though I love him and don't want to break our family apart? Even apart, I'd still have to deal with him all the time because of the kids. And I worry that would just send him more toward alcohol. But this is no life, being worried all the time. Is it normal to worry this much, and constantly be trying to talk to him about it and get through to him? Would it be better to just completely stop mentioning my fears to him and let him work through it himself, since I know my words don't have any effect?

LaTeeDa

I feel the pain in your words. In a way, reading your story makes me grateful that my XAH slid hard and fast into drinking every day. I probably would have stayed and been miserable much, much longer had he only been an occasional drunk.

I cannot tell you what to do, but what I know is this--you only get one life. How you spend it is entirely your choice. Once I came to terms with that, my choices began to be more about me and less about him. It wasn't easy--far from it--but today I'm happy with my life and excited for whatever comes my way next.

L

cr995

EmmyG - I would strongly urge you to start attending Alanon meetings as I think it will make things much clearer to you. Also Have you read Co-dependent No more by Melody Beattie ? It will also help I think.

You have already started helping yourself by coming here and as the Al-anon preamble says there is no situation that cannot be bettered. Its better to go now and attend at least 6 meetings. That way at least you know how not to make things worse and how to even make things better.

Welcome to SR - you are not alone ((Hugs))

LexieCat

I second the Al-Anon suggestion. If you are going to stay with him, you need to learn to detach from his drinking behavior. Worrying yourself sick does not help you or anyone else.

Nobody will tell you that you have to leave. But as long as you are obsessing about his behavior you can't live fully or give your children the kind of peaceful home they deserve.

Hugs,

LifeRecovery

EmmyG-

He drinks only occasionally but you walk on eggshells constantly.

I know you did some marriage counseling at some point...is that still ongoing? I don't think you found any Al-Anon meetings, but you were talking about doing some individual counseling too?

In my codependency this was a very "normal" reaction....and it was in place WAY before I met my loved one that got me into Al-Anon.

LoveMeNow

Emmy - I started out like you....full of worry. I became the mother, the warden, and the baby sitter until I could no longer breathe. I had completely lost myself but didn't even know it. I had become stuck, even paralyzed in my own life.

Therapy, Codependent No More, and Alanon saved me from a near nervous break down! Today, I have been away for close to 3 weeks visiting family and I feel almost no anxiety or worry.

I am still with my husband and have decided when I am healthy, I will make healthy decision. Until then, I have put the rest in Gods hands. No amount of worrying will change the outcome of some one else's choices.

I never worried about other woman because I knew I couldn't stop it if he wanted to cheat. I use the same thinking for his addiction.

Lastly, policing him only made him become even more deceitful. He is going to do what he wants. Learning about boundaries (not threats or ultimatums) helped also.

CeciliaV

Hi Emmy G - I feel your pain. Minus the part about kids (we only have a dog), I could have written these words myself. I actually DID say a lot of those words to my husband, and neither of us really has a social life to speak of either. Being worried all the time and changing what you do because of what someone else *might* do is certainly no way to live.

Have you tried to speak with him calmly about your feelings? I know it's hard. It's so easy to freak out and let emotions get the best of you. (Trust me, I've done it many times...and I always feel terrible afterwards.) But "fair fighting" and good communication is important in any relationship. If you have openly and honestly and calmly communicated your feelings and fears and concerns with him, then unfortunately, continuing to harp on him about it won't change anything. You can only change you and what you do and how you act/react.

For my husband, it seemed to out slowly. We would go out to the local bistro once or twice a month, and he'd have too much and I would have to help walk him home & help get him up the stairs (and at the time he had a good 50+ pounds on me and we live on a raised second floor...so no easy feat!). I dismissed it. It became weekly. Then there were vodka bottles hidden around the house. In the course of a couple years, he became a full blown alcoholic. Looking back, the signs were always there. He used other substances in the past, and to be perfectly honest, so did I. (Pot was my way to turn off my OCD brain, but I had less of an issue stopping than he did.) Admittedly, my husband always had an issue with knowing when to say when, but I tried my damnedest to not see it.

I can second what LoveMeNow said about how policing just makes it worse. It became this sick game between me and my husband. I'd find bottles. I'd confront. He'd lie. He'd try harder to hide bottles in weirder places. He'd swear he'd change. I'd lock up the money/debit card. He'd find a way to sneak money or would come up with an excuse to get cash & would buy booze. (There seriously was a month where he "needed cash for a haircut" every couple days.) Lather, rinse, repeat.

My best advice would be to stop with the policing. Stop with the freaking out. (I know, MUCH easier said than done.) Let him make his own choices & feel his own consequences. If he goes out and ties on a few too many, don't take his calls and let him get himself home (or to a motel for the night since you probably don't want the kids to see him in that state) or get himself out of trouble. Stop being the mommy - there are actual kids in the house that actually NEED a mommy. It's sad, but little birdy's gotta learn to fly or fall on his face all on his own. Start setting boundaries for yourself. Keep reaching out for support. SR is a great start! There's also Al Anon & Smart Recovery & other support groups out there. Having an outlet and finding ways to change YOU for the better are active steps you can take toward your own recovery.

Sending you strength & hugs!

Recovering2

It doesn't matter if an A drinks every day, or once a month, or quarterly binges. He has no control over alcohol, it controls him. When he's not drinking, sounds like the typical "white knuckling" of a dry drunk. Not drinking, but not in recovery. Ticking time bomb until the next opportunity to drink. Remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will continue to get worse for him.
There's nothing you can do about it if he won't seek treatment. He is still in denial about his issue. But you can work on detaching from his behaviors and taking care of you and your children. I agree, don't take the drunk calls. As long as he knows you're there to rescue him he'll drink. His decisions....his consequences. I hope you find AlAnon, it will help you with all this. You deserve to be off the roller coaster.

lizatola

As Recovering2 said, he is a ticking time bomb even though he doesn't drink daily. I am in the same situation, my AH is a binge drinker who drinks when I travel on weekends with my son for sports tournaments or he drinks when he travels for work. He doesn't always binge, either, as there are times when he can have just 3-4 beers and stop. BUT, he has acknowledged he has a problem, he has had many instances of calling me in blackouts and being drunk off his rear, and he too has a DUI under his belt and is now on 2 yeas of ignition interlock device on his car.

My AH has said the same thing about AA. He feels he doesn't have the same problem because he doesn't drink every day nor does he crave it or feel compelled to drink daily. Yet, our marriage therapist told him that, even as a harm reduction counselor, AH needs to abstain forever from alcohol and that he sees a dangerous pattern developing.

My best advice to you is to find Al Anon, read Codependent No More, and maybe even find a therapist for yourself. These things have given me more peace than you know. I don't obsess anymore, I don't fear the worst when it comes to his drinking, etc and mostly it's because I recognize now that I have choices and that I can turn it all over to my Higher Power and let it go. For now, I am choosing to stay, but that can change when I feel in my heart that it's necessary to change it. I have finally realized that it's HIS problem and he's not happy about my changes. I've fixed so much for him over our 17 years of marriage and now that I'm stepping back and off the crazy train, he is spinning his wheels trying to figure out what to do. Al Anon and therapy have definitely given me a lot of peace, and yet I know I have a long way to go. The best news is that my life is for ME to live and I've learned that I can't live someone else's life for them because mine needs me more, LOL!

EmmyG

Thanks so much for the kind responses

Lizatola, so do you mean you basically stopped obsessing over it to him? I feel like the best thing I could do is try Alanon finally, and do my own therapy. I feel like if I stop caring it would be a good thing. He's managed to survive 34 years, I need to stop worrying more about him than he does himself. The other day when we woke up he said he had had a nightmare that I left him for someone else who had it "together."

I am just tired of spending so much energy agonizing over what may happen. He has already told me that only he can change his actions, nothing I say will do that for him.