Wdyt?
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Wdyt?
Could y'all comment on this interaction please?
AXH and I exchange children at a location about 90 miles from each of us for weekend visitation.
Children didn't pack, were late getting to me so that I could get them to him.
I hate to blame young children, but I thought that as their father, he might want to address the issues with them. I was also nearly in tears because my children had terrorized their babysitter, and if she quits, I am screwed.
At what point could I have avoided being the target of this diatribe?
After I dropped them off, I started getting nasty text messages from AXH:
AXH: Why were you late today
ME: Because children didn't pack in time and then misbehaved on the drive.
AXH: Why is that my issue?
ME: I asked (child) to send you a text telling you it would be 5:30
AXH: Why is that my issue? Neither justifies being 17 minutes late. You are showing me disrespect and certainly a lack of courtesy when you fail to appear at the agreed time. And thanks for the apology, by the way.
AXH: Of course he did. But I was already down here.
So you just wasted my time And you seem to sit there somehow feeling justified.
It's really unacceptable for you to be late for any reason ESPECIALLY if I've already left town.
How is it you expect me to hop to it anytime you want something and then you treat me this way, I just don't get it. Incredibly rude.
I guess I should have learned already not to expect much out of you. Just make sure you get there on time in the future. I don't want to hear any more excuses, which really just mask the fact that you fail to plan and prepare.
ME: It is your issue because they are your children as well as mine. They did not pack after school in order to leave in a timely manner.
Then they acted up to the extent that their sitter had to pull off the road because they would not behave, and her and their safety was at issue.
You might want to talk to them about how frustrating it is to sit and wait. Their bad behavior is why they were delayed.
AXH: Again, all just excuses. The kids told me that (babysitter) talked to them for two minutes. That's it.
The other 15 YOU wasted. YOU should have packed for them in advance. . YOU should have made sure they packed in advance. It is YOUR responsibility to be on time, and YOU need to do what it takes to make that happen.
Please be punctual in the future. Each time you don't, I will assume that you intend to show me disrespect, now that I have brought this to your attention. And I will respond in kind.
____________________________________
AXH and I exchange children at a location about 90 miles from each of us for weekend visitation.
Children didn't pack, were late getting to me so that I could get them to him.
I hate to blame young children, but I thought that as their father, he might want to address the issues with them. I was also nearly in tears because my children had terrorized their babysitter, and if she quits, I am screwed.
At what point could I have avoided being the target of this diatribe?
After I dropped them off, I started getting nasty text messages from AXH:
AXH: Why were you late today
ME: Because children didn't pack in time and then misbehaved on the drive.
AXH: Why is that my issue?
ME: I asked (child) to send you a text telling you it would be 5:30
AXH: Why is that my issue? Neither justifies being 17 minutes late. You are showing me disrespect and certainly a lack of courtesy when you fail to appear at the agreed time. And thanks for the apology, by the way.
AXH: Of course he did. But I was already down here.
So you just wasted my time And you seem to sit there somehow feeling justified.
It's really unacceptable for you to be late for any reason ESPECIALLY if I've already left town.
How is it you expect me to hop to it anytime you want something and then you treat me this way, I just don't get it. Incredibly rude.
I guess I should have learned already not to expect much out of you. Just make sure you get there on time in the future. I don't want to hear any more excuses, which really just mask the fact that you fail to plan and prepare.
ME: It is your issue because they are your children as well as mine. They did not pack after school in order to leave in a timely manner.
Then they acted up to the extent that their sitter had to pull off the road because they would not behave, and her and their safety was at issue.
You might want to talk to them about how frustrating it is to sit and wait. Their bad behavior is why they were delayed.
AXH: Again, all just excuses. The kids told me that (babysitter) talked to them for two minutes. That's it.
The other 15 YOU wasted. YOU should have packed for them in advance. . YOU should have made sure they packed in advance. It is YOUR responsibility to be on time, and YOU need to do what it takes to make that happen.
Please be punctual in the future. Each time you don't, I will assume that you intend to show me disrespect, now that I have brought this to your attention. And I will respond in kind.
____________________________________
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17 minutes? what a jackass. m god no wonder the poor kids didn't pack. and acted up. geezus.
tell him ain't the boss of you, and if he is THAT worried about HIS precious time - with his children i presume is what he meant (ha!) - then HE can be on YOUR doorstep to pick up his children and won't have to bother with anyone else's tardiness.
what a bully. quit listening to his bs. quit defending yourself. and your kids. quit apologizing. what does the parenting plan in the divorce decree say about being late dropping the kids off?
tell him ain't the boss of you, and if he is THAT worried about HIS precious time - with his children i presume is what he meant (ha!) - then HE can be on YOUR doorstep to pick up his children and won't have to bother with anyone else's tardiness.
what a bully. quit listening to his bs. quit defending yourself. and your kids. quit apologizing. what does the parenting plan in the divorce decree say about being late dropping the kids off?
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Thank you for confirming my opinions. There's nothing about being late.
If he were late, I would be annoyed, but it wouldn't ruin a minute out of my day. I would certainly not make it personal. Especially as this was an aberration.
Friends said "He's a bully. You HAVE to stand up to him."
But every time he has an entree, it's just an opportunity for him to berate me and scream at me. Which is why I don't speak to him in person or on the phone. Nothing but written communication and that is very rare.
I did think the children might have been acting up and procrastinating in response to the constant tension they have to experience in his presence. My 5 year old said "All those 2 ever do is argue" when he talks about his dad and his girlfriend. The gf is sweet, but I won't engage with her, though she tries, because I can't be in a triangle relationship with them. I need direct understandings - no 3rd party interventions. If they were married, I might feel differently.
Thank you. I feel better.
If he were late, I would be annoyed, but it wouldn't ruin a minute out of my day. I would certainly not make it personal. Especially as this was an aberration.
Friends said "He's a bully. You HAVE to stand up to him."
But every time he has an entree, it's just an opportunity for him to berate me and scream at me. Which is why I don't speak to him in person or on the phone. Nothing but written communication and that is very rare.
I did think the children might have been acting up and procrastinating in response to the constant tension they have to experience in his presence. My 5 year old said "All those 2 ever do is argue" when he talks about his dad and his girlfriend. The gf is sweet, but I won't engage with her, though she tries, because I can't be in a triangle relationship with them. I need direct understandings - no 3rd party interventions. If they were married, I might feel differently.
Thank you. I feel better.
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Thank God you are not married to this asshat anymore!
That's what you need to remember. YOU are NOT married to him. You do not need to respond to his abuse. You do not need to absorb his abuse. He owns his bad temper and you have a divorce decree to prove it.
You might want to look at what you can do to get your kids packed under your supervision, not your sitter's. Can you have them pack the night before so their bags are all ready? What are their ages? Make it a game? A reward for who gets it done, correctly, first? Or whatever is appropriate.
What happened at or after school that got them into bad behavior? Sometimes it helps to see what is triggering this, and the idea that someone mentioned here that maybe they don't want to go is also a thought that occurs to me.
Good luck! I can remember how hard it was to have young kids being divorced, and mine also ran off a few sitters. The funniest was when I came home from work and my sitter was blubbering in the corner, and when I asked my 7 year old son what had happened he said: "I said I wouldn't. And since I said that, I had to keep my word, so I didn't". My response - which was even more useful when he was a teenager was "And how long do you expect to live?"
And then I hired yet another sitter.
A sense of humor is good! And a sense of perspective, too.
I used to use a handmade calendar and star system, especially with my ever so creatively misbehaved son. I couldn't forbid him to do "it" because I had no idea what he would think of next. Like cooking chocolate chips in the microwave... Each day, for morning, daytime and evening, he got a star or no star. We would sit down and talk about his behavior, and HE would decide what he got. He even invented half a star for himself. And then he got to put the colored stars on the calendar. It really helped. (He turned out fabulous, by the way! You all do survive and thrive)
So, much empathy to you, and again, except for these arrangements and transitions with the kids, your life is mainly free of this man.
ShootingStar1
That's what you need to remember. YOU are NOT married to him. You do not need to respond to his abuse. You do not need to absorb his abuse. He owns his bad temper and you have a divorce decree to prove it.
You might want to look at what you can do to get your kids packed under your supervision, not your sitter's. Can you have them pack the night before so their bags are all ready? What are their ages? Make it a game? A reward for who gets it done, correctly, first? Or whatever is appropriate.
What happened at or after school that got them into bad behavior? Sometimes it helps to see what is triggering this, and the idea that someone mentioned here that maybe they don't want to go is also a thought that occurs to me.
Good luck! I can remember how hard it was to have young kids being divorced, and mine also ran off a few sitters. The funniest was when I came home from work and my sitter was blubbering in the corner, and when I asked my 7 year old son what had happened he said: "I said I wouldn't. And since I said that, I had to keep my word, so I didn't". My response - which was even more useful when he was a teenager was "And how long do you expect to live?"
And then I hired yet another sitter.
A sense of humor is good! And a sense of perspective, too.
I used to use a handmade calendar and star system, especially with my ever so creatively misbehaved son. I couldn't forbid him to do "it" because I had no idea what he would think of next. Like cooking chocolate chips in the microwave... Each day, for morning, daytime and evening, he got a star or no star. We would sit down and talk about his behavior, and HE would decide what he got. He even invented half a star for himself. And then he got to put the colored stars on the calendar. It really helped. (He turned out fabulous, by the way! You all do survive and thrive)
So, much empathy to you, and again, except for these arrangements and transitions with the kids, your life is mainly free of this man.
ShootingStar1
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I work in a town halfway between my home and the exchange town. So the babysitter drives them to me and I take them on to the asshat. They were 30 minutes late getting to me and the babysitter was crying because they acted so bad on the drive over. She said they weren't listening and were constantly picking at each other and misbehaving and squealing.
They are 11, 10 and 5. I could have packed them the night before , but we have never had a problem til now.
You're right - I am not married to him and THAT is reason to celebrate.
They are 11, 10 and 5. I could have packed them the night before , but we have never had a problem til now.
You're right - I am not married to him and THAT is reason to celebrate.
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Thats exactly a conversation that would happen between me and separated AH. I feel your pain. Just do not engage with him and stop explaining yourself. I would explain myself too and whatever we say will never appease him so I just stopped saying anything.
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IMHO
It not being his issue is not your issue so therefore it's a non issue.
lol
Geez, next time just tell him it couldn't be avoided, you were too busy cleaning up the babysitters wounds.
He's reaching, obviously he has no idea what it is to work and raise children, very disrepectful
It not being his issue is not your issue so therefore it's a non issue.
lol
Geez, next time just tell him it couldn't be avoided, you were too busy cleaning up the babysitters wounds.
He's reaching, obviously he has no idea what it is to work and raise children, very disrepectful
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Wait, was he texting while driving them?
I think now you know not to answer a question that appears to be set up just to berate you and put you on the defensive. Meaning you have to hyper analyze every msg he sends.
Sounds like you need alot of tools in the toolbox to deal with this angry man.
You could say "Could we cut each other some slack and parent these kids together going forward? It's hard enough without beating each other up over every problem. You are assuming ill intentions where none are intended. What would you like me to do when an unavoidable delay occurs? Would a text from me directly help? It's unfortunately an occasional reality when kids are involved."
But asshats have reading comprehension problems so it may not help at all.
I think now you know not to answer a question that appears to be set up just to berate you and put you on the defensive. Meaning you have to hyper analyze every msg he sends.
Sounds like you need alot of tools in the toolbox to deal with this angry man.
You could say "Could we cut each other some slack and parent these kids together going forward? It's hard enough without beating each other up over every problem. You are assuming ill intentions where none are intended. What would you like me to do when an unavoidable delay occurs? Would a text from me directly help? It's unfortunately an occasional reality when kids are involved."
But asshats have reading comprehension problems so it may not help at all.
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I can't help but think of the time he wasted sending those texts. Of course, I am the world's slowest text-er--my kids make fun of me. It would have taken me half an hour to painfully type all that stuff using one finger.
I would just ignore it as blather. What a big baby.
I would just ignore it as blather. What a big baby.
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My XH could've written those texts.
Here's what you do next time.
Absolutely nothing.
Do not reply to his first text.
If he wants to take the matter further he can take it up with his lawyer (which he won't do of course).
It took me a long time & court counselling etc to realise I didn't have to enter into a war over every little drama he wanted to create.
So: No reply=less stress=you have control
He will eventually give up.
Here's what you do next time.
Absolutely nothing.
Do not reply to his first text.
If he wants to take the matter further he can take it up with his lawyer (which he won't do of course).
It took me a long time & court counselling etc to realise I didn't have to enter into a war over every little drama he wanted to create.
So: No reply=less stress=you have control
He will eventually give up.
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How old are they? Mine are teens, and I still have to be involved in their packing - not because they're incapable but because try lose track of time.
I may be the voice of dissent here, and a stickler for timeliness, but I would be mad if I were him. OK so 17 minutes isn't the end of the world, but it's still late. I think you could have apologized. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the other parent to keep a set time, especially if you're both driving that far.
I may be the voice of dissent here, and a stickler for timeliness, but I would be mad if I were him. OK so 17 minutes isn't the end of the world, but it's still late. I think you could have apologized. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the other parent to keep a set time, especially if you're both driving that far.
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
How old are they? Mine are teens, and I still have to be involved in their packing - not because they're incapable but because try lose track of time.
I may be the voice of dissent here, and a stickler for timeliness, but I would be mad if I were him. OK so 17 minutes isn't the end of the world, but it's still late. I think you could have apologized. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the other parent to keep a set time, especially if you're both driving that far.
I may be the voice of dissent here, and a stickler for timeliness, but I would be mad if I were him. OK so 17 minutes isn't the end of the world, but it's still late. I think you could have apologized. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the other parent to keep a set time, especially if you're both driving that far.
The children and i live in town A. I work in town B (30 miles west). I exchange children 40 miles west of town B, so the babysitter brings them to me.
She was late getting them to me because they had not packed, and because she is 18 and doesn't understand that time is of the essence. Then they acted like wild monkeys on the way over so she was crying when they got to me. I had to calm her down, talk to the children in her presence, make them apologize, pray she would come back on Monday, and then race to make the XAH happy.
I had my son text because I was driving.
I know him very well after 21 years and I think he was just looking for an opening and opportunity to scream at me. That too makes me not want to apologize.
With anyone else, I would apologize til I was blue in the face. I think I am all out of politeness. I do EVERYthing for these children. EVERYthing. With him they watch R-rated movies and play video games and eat pizza. He doesn't know what an act of Congress it is to get anything done at all because he hasn't ever done it.
I may need to work on my resentfulness.
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As a former child in situations such as this, all I know is that I did not enjoy being interrogated by either parent about what happened before I got to them or what happened with the other parent, etc. What he is doing is extremely damaging to your kids.
There does not seem to be co-parenting going on here, more like just passing the kids over and then lots of argue and blame ensues. Granted, he seems to be making most of this all about him, which is what A's go or RA's or whichever. Either way, this is about your kids.
I can't tell anyone how to parent their kids, so you will have to figure out them moving their asses so as to not be late, behaving, etc.
He is showing that he is a child though with his passive aggressive text tactic and instead of being mad probably the entire night, he needs to suck it up and speak to you about the 'being on time' thing at a later date, away from the kids and time he spends with them.
Any parent dumb enough to think that their kids don't notice that they are angry, petty and selfish has another thing coming. Often too, kids behavior stems from their unhappiness deep inside about their situation that either never gets voiced, or instead gets acted out.
There sounds like a lot of growing up that has to happen all around, but it needs to start with him for sure. Best of luck in dealing with this obviously selfish a-hole.
There does not seem to be co-parenting going on here, more like just passing the kids over and then lots of argue and blame ensues. Granted, he seems to be making most of this all about him, which is what A's go or RA's or whichever. Either way, this is about your kids.
I can't tell anyone how to parent their kids, so you will have to figure out them moving their asses so as to not be late, behaving, etc.
He is showing that he is a child though with his passive aggressive text tactic and instead of being mad probably the entire night, he needs to suck it up and speak to you about the 'being on time' thing at a later date, away from the kids and time he spends with them.
Any parent dumb enough to think that their kids don't notice that they are angry, petty and selfish has another thing coming. Often too, kids behavior stems from their unhappiness deep inside about their situation that either never gets voiced, or instead gets acted out.
There sounds like a lot of growing up that has to happen all around, but it needs to start with him for sure. Best of luck in dealing with this obviously selfish a-hole.
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I think the guy sounds like a complete a**, and that he was just looking for a reason to pick a fight. You texted to say you were running late which is considerate, and would have been enough for most people, especially in these days of smart phones when one is never really without something to do. I agree with whoever said you shouldn't respond to his anger in the future. When you have three kids who are being watched by essentially another kid, and they have to be transported 90 miles with one stop in between, fifteen minutes seems like a reasonable delay. If you cut yourself some slack, maybe he will be easier to ignore in the future. Thank God you aren't married to this guy anymore!! 
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wait...did he EVER worry that something might have happened to the children on their drive? was he worried about their safety? that god forbid something may have occurred during transport? flat tire? sick child? wreck??
nope. he thought about how inconvenienced HE was by being made to wait...for what? HIS CHILDREN!!! not only was he inconvenienced, but he TIMED it! who wouldn't gladly wait a few minutes to see their kids?
i'd be much more concerned with how the children reacted to going to dad. how their anxiety exploded the closer they got to this man. when kids act out they are trying to tell us something. they act out because their security is threatened, that they do not feel secure, safe.
listen to them, not to him.
nope. he thought about how inconvenienced HE was by being made to wait...for what? HIS CHILDREN!!! not only was he inconvenienced, but he TIMED it! who wouldn't gladly wait a few minutes to see their kids?
i'd be much more concerned with how the children reacted to going to dad. how their anxiety exploded the closer they got to this man. when kids act out they are trying to tell us something. they act out because their security is threatened, that they do not feel secure, safe.
listen to them, not to him.
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Kitten, Erika, Anvil,
there is definitely not any co-parenting going on. Until 4 months ago, I lived in his hometown and was having to endure this kind of crap on a daily basis.
Then I got a job offer in another town, asked his permission to move - was screamed at and raged at for asking - accepted the job, went to court to have geographic restrictions lifted. Won.
BUT XAH dragged children through the mud and it made them so upset and me so upset and I am really not over it. That's what is becoming clear to me.
I cannot have any communication with him because it's all an excuse for him to rage at me. It's NOT good for the kids, and i know he does not leave them out of it, but I can't change him or control him. The most I can do is limit their visits - which are now every other weekend instead of 5 x a week for one reason or another when we lived in the same town.
His parents were also all up in my business. It was not good for the kids then, and it's not good for them no, but it is better.
I don't think I did anything wrong or that I have anything to apologize for. I agree that the children are worked up about going to see him. They love him and enjoy him, but that tension and anxiety are very real.
I am getting them into counseling asap now that I have heath insurance.
there is definitely not any co-parenting going on. Until 4 months ago, I lived in his hometown and was having to endure this kind of crap on a daily basis.
Then I got a job offer in another town, asked his permission to move - was screamed at and raged at for asking - accepted the job, went to court to have geographic restrictions lifted. Won.
BUT XAH dragged children through the mud and it made them so upset and me so upset and I am really not over it. That's what is becoming clear to me.
I cannot have any communication with him because it's all an excuse for him to rage at me. It's NOT good for the kids, and i know he does not leave them out of it, but I can't change him or control him. The most I can do is limit their visits - which are now every other weekend instead of 5 x a week for one reason or another when we lived in the same town.
His parents were also all up in my business. It was not good for the kids then, and it's not good for them no, but it is better.
I don't think I did anything wrong or that I have anything to apologize for. I agree that the children are worked up about going to see him. They love him and enjoy him, but that tension and anxiety are very real.
I am getting them into counseling asap now that I have heath insurance.
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