Lying
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Lying
Do they lie to our face, even though they love us?
Last night my fiance said he got a false positive on his interlock- it worked fine when he was leaving but then after the five-minute re-test it failed. He was almost home but he parked the car a few streets away because he didn't want to drive down our private drive with the car beeping at him due to having failed the re-test. He tried it again five minutes later but it didn't work. It has given him false positives before when I am almost positive he wasn't drinking-- in the morning after his class, or after he was visiting his mom, etc. At that time they said it was a faulty device and they replaced it. Now he says it gave him a false positive again and he is so upset because he has to pay for it no matter what the reason. He had his bike in the car and rode it the rest of the way home and was crying.
He smelled like alcohol but kept promising he had had nothing to drink all day! He has been sick lately and his eyes were red and he was shaky. I keep thinking it's alcohol withdrawal but would that make him smell like alcohol, like would it be coming out of his skin or something? I asked him if he's been taking his meds [anti-depressants and ADD meds] and he said no because he hasn't gotten to re-fill his prescription. I think he might be having withdrawal from coming off the meds. He seemed a little drunk or just out of it/way off when he was tryng to talk to me, and he kept claiming the he saw things moving- like the top of the coffee table or the people on TV who were on pause.
I know this is horrible but no matter what is going on I honestly don't care and I am just MAD at him to the point that I almost hate him.
If he is lying to me about not drinking then I really hate him. But even if he is having some kind of withdrawal or nervous break-down or something I am still mad at him because I think he needs to pull himself together. I know this sounds unsympathetic but I have tried to listen to him and help him but it's all about him and his issues and problems. He told me he feels really over-whelmed and stressed due to having a baby, planning a wedding and taking 21 credit hours, and still trying to work here and there in between everything else. He said he is thinking of dropping one of his classes. I told him we should stop planning the wedding. I also told him I think we may need a break because I don't feel connected to him, I haven't been happy and he needs to straighten stuff out before the baby comes or else he will not be in any shape to be a parent. He said he loves me and does not want us to take a break. He kept asking me why I have been feeling distant or unconnected. I don't know if that was a serious question because it's been pretty obvious to me. I told him that it's like he's a different person and maybe it's just that I am growing up a lot and he isn't or is scared by it. He said he has a lot of fear. But that he does want to marry me and be a good husband and father.
I am just sick of it. I want to get off this rollercoaster. This morning he mentioned that he was going to see if the pharmacy was open yet so he could get back on his anti-depressants. I guess that was supposed to be an effort to change his situation but I honestly don't care. It's like somehow all the caring I had for him has left because I don't see that he is caring for himself or for me.
On the one hand I feel bad for thinking he was lying about not drinking if he was. I don't know how his car would have initially started if he was drinking. On the other hand I feel stupid for even trying to believe him, or I don't even care if he's lying because something is definitely so off and he doesn't even realize the severity of it or want to do anything important about it.
I'm sorry for venting.
Last night my fiance said he got a false positive on his interlock- it worked fine when he was leaving but then after the five-minute re-test it failed. He was almost home but he parked the car a few streets away because he didn't want to drive down our private drive with the car beeping at him due to having failed the re-test. He tried it again five minutes later but it didn't work. It has given him false positives before when I am almost positive he wasn't drinking-- in the morning after his class, or after he was visiting his mom, etc. At that time they said it was a faulty device and they replaced it. Now he says it gave him a false positive again and he is so upset because he has to pay for it no matter what the reason. He had his bike in the car and rode it the rest of the way home and was crying.
He smelled like alcohol but kept promising he had had nothing to drink all day! He has been sick lately and his eyes were red and he was shaky. I keep thinking it's alcohol withdrawal but would that make him smell like alcohol, like would it be coming out of his skin or something? I asked him if he's been taking his meds [anti-depressants and ADD meds] and he said no because he hasn't gotten to re-fill his prescription. I think he might be having withdrawal from coming off the meds. He seemed a little drunk or just out of it/way off when he was tryng to talk to me, and he kept claiming the he saw things moving- like the top of the coffee table or the people on TV who were on pause.
I know this is horrible but no matter what is going on I honestly don't care and I am just MAD at him to the point that I almost hate him.
If he is lying to me about not drinking then I really hate him. But even if he is having some kind of withdrawal or nervous break-down or something I am still mad at him because I think he needs to pull himself together. I know this sounds unsympathetic but I have tried to listen to him and help him but it's all about him and his issues and problems. He told me he feels really over-whelmed and stressed due to having a baby, planning a wedding and taking 21 credit hours, and still trying to work here and there in between everything else. He said he is thinking of dropping one of his classes. I told him we should stop planning the wedding. I also told him I think we may need a break because I don't feel connected to him, I haven't been happy and he needs to straighten stuff out before the baby comes or else he will not be in any shape to be a parent. He said he loves me and does not want us to take a break. He kept asking me why I have been feeling distant or unconnected. I don't know if that was a serious question because it's been pretty obvious to me. I told him that it's like he's a different person and maybe it's just that I am growing up a lot and he isn't or is scared by it. He said he has a lot of fear. But that he does want to marry me and be a good husband and father.I am just sick of it. I want to get off this rollercoaster. This morning he mentioned that he was going to see if the pharmacy was open yet so he could get back on his anti-depressants. I guess that was supposed to be an effort to change his situation but I honestly don't care. It's like somehow all the caring I had for him has left because I don't see that he is caring for himself or for me.
On the one hand I feel bad for thinking he was lying about not drinking if he was. I don't know how his car would have initially started if he was drinking. On the other hand I feel stupid for even trying to believe him, or I don't even care if he's lying because something is definitely so off and he doesn't even realize the severity of it or want to do anything important about it.
I'm sorry for venting.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
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I have a question for you-do you want to marry him? Do you see yourself being happy with living the rest of your life this way? Think about what YOU want and what makes YOU happy. What will be best for YOU and just as importantly-your child.
What I see when reading this is "I want out." If that is the case-then I think you should take steps to do so. Don't stay with him out of guilt, or anything like that-unless you see the rest of your life this way and you being happy with that-then i say get out
What I see when reading this is "I want out." If that is the case-then I think you should take steps to do so. Don't stay with him out of guilt, or anything like that-unless you see the rest of your life this way and you being happy with that-then i say get out
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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I'm new here but not new to this lifestyle Yes, they lie. My husband lies all the time. I don't believe a word he says anymore. Please reconsider marrying this man. I know you are pregnant but that doesn't mean you have to get married. I so wish I would not have married my husband. I have two little girls with him that I would not trade for the world. However, I hate it that they have an alcoholic for a daddy and for the most part he is a good dad. I am just worried that he will drink himself to death. It is just so not worth spending the rest of your life this way.
Yes, they lie. My husband lies all the time. I don't believe a word he says anymore. Please reconsider marrying this man. I know you are pregnant but that doesn't mean you have to get married. I so wish I would not have married my husband. I have two little girls with him that I would not trade for the world. However, I hate it that they have an alcoholic for a daddy and for the most part he is a good dad. I am just worried that he will drink himself to death. It is just so not worth spending the rest of your life this way.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Michigan
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"He smelled like alcohol but kept promising he had had nothing to drink all day!" 
Don't overthink it. Focus on your health and that precious baby on board. You don't need any extra stress. You KNOW what you know, and that's all you need to know.
I'm a new mom of a 5month old myself. Her Dad is a alcoholic. I knew what I got myself into and I choose NOT to be in a relationship with him right now (or ever). Taking care of a newborn is more than a job. I couldn't imagine adding on the stress of including a relationship with a alcoholic on top of that. He is a good Dad, and we have a good relationship. What he does in his free time is his business and I am no way interested nor effected by it. I'm making the best desicion for my child, to keep her in a safe loving enviornment.
It's not just about you anymore. It's not about him. That baby comes first. Do whatever you have to do for your health and the protection of that baby.
Don't overthink it. Focus on your health and that precious baby on board. You don't need any extra stress. You KNOW what you know, and that's all you need to know.
I'm a new mom of a 5month old myself. Her Dad is a alcoholic. I knew what I got myself into and I choose NOT to be in a relationship with him right now (or ever). Taking care of a newborn is more than a job. I couldn't imagine adding on the stress of including a relationship with a alcoholic on top of that. He is a good Dad, and we have a good relationship. What he does in his free time is his business and I am no way interested nor effected by it. I'm making the best desicion for my child, to keep her in a safe loving enviornment.
It's not just about you anymore. It's not about him. That baby comes first. Do whatever you have to do for your health and the protection of that baby.
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Originally Posted by bamboo10 
I have a question for you-do you want to marry him? Do you see yourself being happy with living the rest of your life this way? Think about what YOU want and what makes YOU happy. What will be best for YOU and just as importantly-your child.
What I see when reading this is "I want out." If that is the case-then I think you should take steps to do so. Don't stay with him out of guilt, or anything like that-unless you see the rest of your life this way and you being happy with that-then i say get out
What I see when reading this is "I want out." If that is the case-then I think you should take steps to do so. Don't stay with him out of guilt, or anything like that-unless you see the rest of your life this way and you being happy with that-then i say get out
I guess at this point I really don't know what to do because I am so confused. I loved him, and love him, but when I pay attention to the way he's been acting my love almost turns to hate and I DO think 'I want out.' Before I always felt close to him and connected to him despite some of these same issues but all of a sudden it's like SOMETHING, or everything, has changed. I really think it is both him and me changing. He has become more odd and secretive and I have become more demanding. Maybe it used to be okay with me that he had some issues and 'not that bad' of a drinking problem but now that we have a baby coming I want him to work on things and he's not and so everything gets blown out of proportion? I don't want to walk away without giving it a real shot but I also start to feel so frustrated that I do feel like I'm at the end of my rope. The fact that I don't know what to believe and I fear he may be lying to me-- even if he isn't-- makes me stop and think about how I could marry a man I can't trust?
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Originally Posted by DOAAM
"He smelled like alcohol but kept promising he had had nothing to drink all day!"
Don't overthink it. Focus on your health and that precious baby on board. You don't need any extra stress. You KNOW what you know, and that's all you need to know.
Don't overthink it. Focus on your health and that precious baby on board. You don't need any extra stress. You KNOW what you know, and that's all you need to know.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Michigan
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I totally understand. I edited my first post with more info.
You deserve to a time out. Take it. Don't worry about anything else but that baby growing inside of you. This is one of the best times of your life, your about to bring a new life into this world. You dont wanna look back and remember how stressful it was. You dont wanna deal with the health risks that stress can bring on.
Take your time. Sort things out. Put yourself and the baby first.
You deserve to a time out. Take it. Don't worry about anything else but that baby growing inside of you. This is one of the best times of your life, your about to bring a new life into this world. You dont wanna look back and remember how stressful it was. You dont wanna deal with the health risks that stress can bring on.
Take your time. Sort things out. Put yourself and the baby first.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
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What is the posibility of putting the wedding off for now? Give yourself some time to think about things.
The red flags are there-the "false positive" and the smelling of alcohol-I wouldnt block them out. Deep down you know in your gut-but it seems that even if he isnt drinking he isnt being the man you want. I know you love him-thats the hardest part of leaving-but at the same time you hate him as well-and marriage shouldnt be about hate. It shouldnt be about waiting for the better person to emerge. only he can change himself. Does he want to change? or is her forced to not drink because of the interlock?
The red flags are there-the "false positive" and the smelling of alcohol-I wouldnt block them out. Deep down you know in your gut-but it seems that even if he isnt drinking he isnt being the man you want. I know you love him-thats the hardest part of leaving-but at the same time you hate him as well-and marriage shouldnt be about hate. It shouldnt be about waiting for the better person to emerge. only he can change himself. Does he want to change? or is her forced to not drink because of the interlock?
I'm no angel!
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They will lie right to your face, that is what they do.
I am confused, you originally started posting that you weren't sure he was an alcoholic...now he has an interlock device on his car? That is not put on a vehicle as an accessory,so, he has already gotten in trouble due to his drinking?
Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs? If not I would suggest that you do so.
Taking a break might be a good idea, there appears to be alot more going on here than meets the eye.
I am confused, you originally started posting that you weren't sure he was an alcoholic...now he has an interlock device on his car? That is not put on a vehicle as an accessory,so, he has already gotten in trouble due to his drinking?
Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs? If not I would suggest that you do so.
Taking a break might be a good idea, there appears to be alot more going on here than meets the eye.
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Originally Posted by bamboo10
What is the posibility of putting the wedding off for now? Give yourself some time to think about things.
The red flags are there-the "false positive" and the smelling of alcohol-I wouldnt block them out. Deep down you know in your gut-but it seems that even if he isnt drinking he isnt being the man you want. I know you love him-thats the hardest part of leaving-but at the same time you hate him as well-and marriage shouldnt be about hate. It shouldnt be about waiting for the better person to emerge. only he can change himself. Does he want to change? or is her forced to not drink because of the interlock?
The red flags are there-the "false positive" and the smelling of alcohol-I wouldnt block them out. Deep down you know in your gut-but it seems that even if he isnt drinking he isnt being the man you want. I know you love him-thats the hardest part of leaving-but at the same time you hate him as well-and marriage shouldnt be about hate. It shouldnt be about waiting for the better person to emerge. only he can change himself. Does he want to change? or is her forced to not drink because of the interlock?
He says he wants to change but he usually continues to drink. The interlock does not stop him from drinking, usually he rides his bike or the bus to work since parking is expensive and far away from the campus. He was not convicted of the DWI so he still has to have the interlock for MVD purposes but it's not like he has a parole officer or he gets in trouble with the court if he drinks- his criminal case is closed. What bugs me is that it seems like because he can't have anything to drink and then drive his car, he will just leave his car at home and find other modes of transportation and it seems to give himself a free-for-all to drink as much as he wants since he doesn't have to drive!
He hasn't had a drink for 2.5 days, if he is telling the truth, and sometimes he says he doesn't want to drink for 'awhile' but he never says he isn't going to drink ever again or he needs to get help for a problem etc... he just says he knows he uses it to self-medicate and he feels that life would be boring without it etc. I think he has 'not been drinking' just to placate me because I have had enough of it. Last Friday he showed up for our Valentine's date at 7:30 pm drunk, after he had told me he wasn't going to 'drink to excess' anymore, and that he wasn't going to hang out with this same set of school buddies and drink like that anymore. It's like his word doesn't mean anything to me anymore- he said he wasn't going to drink like that but then he did, and that wasn't the first time at all. So then he said he realized by my questions that he is doing what he said he didn't want to do- drinking too much- and he needs to stop that. But I honestly don't know how long it will last or even if it has lasted as long as he claims it has. :-/
I used to be really easy-going and chill. I used to drink with him. I used to think that as long as he was honest and open with me then everything was okay because of this special bond we had. I'm not saying we didn't have arguments about his drinking or serious talks where I would worry about him or one or both of us would say he would need to stop or cut down on his drinking etc. But for the most part I didn't push it because I thought everything else was more or less okay and I justified it by saying, at least he doesn't hit me when he's drunk, at least he's not mean, at least he doesn't get really drunk every day etc. But now when I think about what kind of life our baby will have I cannot imagine it continuing like this. And so I think I push him more about it and it makes him hide it or rebel or something.
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Originally Posted by bamboo10
Do you have a friend or family member near by that you could stay with for a few days? maybe make some day trips with a friend?
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Originally Posted by dollydo
They will lie right to your face, that is what they do.
I am confused, you originally started posting that you weren't sure he was an alcoholic...now he has an interlock device on his car? That is not put on a vehicle as an accessory,so, he has already gotten in trouble due to his drinking?
Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs? If not I would suggest that you do so.
Taking a break might be a good idea, there appears to be alot more going on here than meets the eye.
I am confused, you originally started posting that you weren't sure he was an alcoholic...now he has an interlock device on his car? That is not put on a vehicle as an accessory,so, he has already gotten in trouble due to his drinking?
Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs? If not I would suggest that you do so.
Taking a break might be a good idea, there appears to be alot more going on here than meets the eye.
Yes he was arrested on suspicion of DWI but was not convicted of the charges. Basically because the cop didn't show up, although apparently he had some good defenses and his lawyer was good. However there is no doubt he was drinking when he was pulled over so in my eyes it is the same crime. Although at the time I am glad he didn't have it on his record etc.
I have read part of that book and have it on my Kindle, I will have to get back to it. Thank you.
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Originally Posted by babyonboard2
I have thought more about it and I don't even really want to take a trip because that could be stressful and what I really want is peace and relaxation in my own environment. What I would like is to have the house to myself and to have my fiance stay somewhere else. I am a solitary person and I do have friends I could stay with but I wouldn't really feel comfortable. I have pets and certain rituals like bubble baths or running along the bikepath that make me feel better. I also live quite close to where I work and my friends don't. So I would prefer to stay put and ask him to leave. I think that is fine because it is my house and I am currently paying the bills and I was fine with the arrangement when I felt like we were partners but now it feels like he is a mess and I am worrying about him all the time.
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My exabf was a binge drinker, then he became a daily drinker, he was a binge crack user, he became a daily user. Addiction is a progressive disease, left untreated it will get worse.
Your ABF got a break on his first DUI, he may not be so lucky next time. Driving under the influence is like having a 2 ton loaded gun in your hands.
A dear friend of mine lost her twin daughters (age 7) to a drunk driver, it was his 4th or 5th DUI, he is now serving life in prison, unfortunately, his sentence doesn't bring her daughters back. She has never gotten over the loss, it is so sad.
You do not have to make a decision today, the bottom line is what do you want for you and your child, a life of peace and happiness or a rollercoaster ride from h#ll? Only you
know the answer to that question.
Your ABF got a break on his first DUI, he may not be so lucky next time. Driving under the influence is like having a 2 ton loaded gun in your hands.
A dear friend of mine lost her twin daughters (age 7) to a drunk driver, it was his 4th or 5th DUI, he is now serving life in prison, unfortunately, his sentence doesn't bring her daughters back. She has never gotten over the loss, it is so sad.
You do not have to make a decision today, the bottom line is what do you want for you and your child, a life of peace and happiness or a rollercoaster ride from h#ll? Only you
know the answer to that question.
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Originally Posted by bamboo10
That makes complete sense. I like my own environment as well. Any chance of him listening if you asked for a few days of the house to yourself?
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Originally Posted by dollydo
My exabf was a binge drinker, then he became a daily drinker, he was a binge crack user, he became a daily user. Addiction is a progressive disease, left untreated it will get worse.
Your ABF got a break on his first DUI, he may not be so lucky next time. Driving under the influence is like having a 2 ton loaded gun in your hands.
A dear friend of mine lost her twin daughters (age 7) to a drunk driver, it was his 4th or 5th DUI, he is now serving life in prison, unfortunately, his sentence doesn't bring her daughters back. She has never gotten over the loss, it is so sad.
You do not have to make a decision today, the bottom line is what do you want for you and your child, a life of peace and happiness or a rollercoaster ride from h#ll? Only you
know the answer to that question.
Your ABF got a break on his first DUI, he may not be so lucky next time. Driving under the influence is like having a 2 ton loaded gun in your hands.
A dear friend of mine lost her twin daughters (age 7) to a drunk driver, it was his 4th or 5th DUI, he is now serving life in prison, unfortunately, his sentence doesn't bring her daughters back. She has never gotten over the loss, it is so sad.
You do not have to make a decision today, the bottom line is what do you want for you and your child, a life of peace and happiness or a rollercoaster ride from h#ll? Only you
know the answer to that question.
I definitely want peace and happiness. I think the biggest chance in the relationship may be that I am actively wanting and seeking those things and he is not. Perhaps before I didn't mind or even enjoyed the chaos. But now I am just trying to learn how to be the best mother possible and there is no way this could be good for a child.
Thank you again. I'm glad I found this place and it helps a lot.
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FWIW, he isn't lying just because he enjoys lying to you. He's lying because he HAS to drink. Think about it for a second. What kind of sense does it make for him to drink when he has an interlock on his car? None. The only reason for drinking under those circumstances is that he HAS to. And that is no exaggeration. I suspect he has been drinking much more--more quantity, more often--than you ever dreamed.
So what I would suggest is that you try to forget, for the moment, your anger and disgust (which is understandable but sort of wasted under the circumstances), and accept the fact that he will continue to drink, that it will probably get worse--possibly MUCH worse before he is ready to stop--and make your plans accordingly.
So what I would suggest is that you try to forget, for the moment, your anger and disgust (which is understandable but sort of wasted under the circumstances), and accept the fact that he will continue to drink, that it will probably get worse--possibly MUCH worse before he is ready to stop--and make your plans accordingly.
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