Lying
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
The lying for me was THE hardest thing to deal with with my XAW. She would lie about EVERYTHING no matter how big or small. She of course lied about her drinking. She could never tell the truth about that. Ever. It wouldn't matter if I caught her with the vodka pouring down her throat, she would lie and tell me she wasn't drinking. That really is not an exaggeration, scary but true. Expecting an alcoholic to be honest with you about drinking is insanity, it will not happen. They spend so much energy hiding it from themselves they're damn sure not going to be honest with you. That is my experience anyway.
I could see my XAW struggle. I know she was doing her best but it is one damn powerful disease. Eventually I realized I could not win this war with her disease & got out of her way. I saw the progression through the years, though most of it was in hind sight because I couldn't/wouldn't/didn't know how to recognize it. She was never abusive. She didn't lie. She was trustworthy. Didn't drive drunk. Was there for me when I needed her. We worked together to make a home. We enjoyed each others company. We didn't argue............................. And one by one, all that disappeared. As her disease got a firmer grip on her, it took something with it. It happened ever so slyly, so insidiously that It was like I woke up one day & she was gone & left this seemingly evil person in her place. She's not actually evil of course & I do still love her, but she is not there. I can look at her & see her face, but I don't know who she is. That's how it was for me anyway and unfortunately I see the same story every time I log on to this site. I believe it to be true that you should be prepared to live this way with him. If you are happy this way & you can handle it then great. My experience was not this way though. It was frighteningly real how progressive her disease was.
I eventually got to the point where I could deal with a lot of the hurtful behavior and be happy with my life to a point but I never could really get over the lying. It felt like she was spitting in my face & I hated her when she would lie, at least when she told the big lies. The little ones would always leave me baffled. I think that helped me become aware of how bad it had gotten for her, all those meaningless, pointless little lies.
Sorry for the bleak post, In a way I wish I didn't have this to share, but then I wouldn't be who I am today now would I, and I'm learning I'm not such a bad guy after all!
(((HUGS)))
I could see my XAW struggle. I know she was doing her best but it is one damn powerful disease. Eventually I realized I could not win this war with her disease & got out of her way. I saw the progression through the years, though most of it was in hind sight because I couldn't/wouldn't/didn't know how to recognize it. She was never abusive. She didn't lie. She was trustworthy. Didn't drive drunk. Was there for me when I needed her. We worked together to make a home. We enjoyed each others company. We didn't argue............................. And one by one, all that disappeared. As her disease got a firmer grip on her, it took something with it. It happened ever so slyly, so insidiously that It was like I woke up one day & she was gone & left this seemingly evil person in her place. She's not actually evil of course & I do still love her, but she is not there. I can look at her & see her face, but I don't know who she is. That's how it was for me anyway and unfortunately I see the same story every time I log on to this site. I believe it to be true that you should be prepared to live this way with him. If you are happy this way & you can handle it then great. My experience was not this way though. It was frighteningly real how progressive her disease was.
I eventually got to the point where I could deal with a lot of the hurtful behavior and be happy with my life to a point but I never could really get over the lying. It felt like she was spitting in my face & I hated her when she would lie, at least when she told the big lies. The little ones would always leave me baffled. I think that helped me become aware of how bad it had gotten for her, all those meaningless, pointless little lies.
Sorry for the bleak post, In a way I wish I didn't have this to share, but then I wouldn't be who I am today now would I, and I'm learning I'm not such a bad guy after all!
(((HUGS)))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear babyonboard2, I would like to second what LexieCat just said in the above post.
Another thing to consider is that the birth of a child adds lots of stress and challenges for the new parents. Even if a relationship were "picture perfect" prior to the addition of pregnancy/birth of a child, it is a time of HUGE change in the relationship and requires adjustment of both partners. If the relationship is already strained in a significant way prior to the preg/birth---the addition of a newborn can be like adding fuel to the fire. The stress increases enormously. If active addiction is going on--you can just imagine how bad it can get.
You need to consider this fact in light of the stress to you and the newborn---at such an important time for both you and the baby. You need to be in a peaceful and serene environment--both now, and especially at the time of delivery.
From what I have observed, alcoholics ten d to in crease drinking at time of birth--not the opposite. They don't just magically "grow up".
I know you have a lot on your plate and have important decisions to make. Just remember that active alcoholism is a bad environment for a child of any age.
I think you are already on to this, by the concerns that you have already expressed. You are right, this is no time to be planning a wedding!
Keep reading, honey, and consider getting involved with the support of alanon. You and baby both deserve all the support you can get.
Keep posting.
sincerely, dandylion
Another thing to consider is that the birth of a child adds lots of stress and challenges for the new parents. Even if a relationship were "picture perfect" prior to the addition of pregnancy/birth of a child, it is a time of HUGE change in the relationship and requires adjustment of both partners. If the relationship is already strained in a significant way prior to the preg/birth---the addition of a newborn can be like adding fuel to the fire. The stress increases enormously. If active addiction is going on--you can just imagine how bad it can get.
You need to consider this fact in light of the stress to you and the newborn---at such an important time for both you and the baby. You need to be in a peaceful and serene environment--both now, and especially at the time of delivery.
From what I have observed, alcoholics ten d to in crease drinking at time of birth--not the opposite. They don't just magically "grow up".
I know you have a lot on your plate and have important decisions to make. Just remember that active alcoholism is a bad environment for a child of any age.
I think you are already on to this, by the concerns that you have already expressed. You are right, this is no time to be planning a wedding!
Keep reading, honey, and consider getting involved with the support of alanon. You and baby both deserve all the support you can get.
Keep posting.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
If he,s wiithdrawing off meds he,s not going to smell like alcohol.
Originally Posted by babyonboard2 
Do they lie to our face, even though they love us?
Last night my fiance said he got a false positive on his interlock- it worked fine when he was leaving but then after the five-minute re-test it failed. He was almost home but he parked the car a few streets away because he didn't want to drive down our private drive with the car beeping at him due to having failed the re-test. He tried it again five minutes later but it didn't work. It has given him false positives before when I am almost positive he wasn't drinking-- in the morning after his class, or after he was visiting his mom, etc. At that time they said it was a faulty device and they replaced it. Now he says it gave him a false positive again and he is so upset because he has to pay for it no matter what the reason. He had his bike in the car and rode it the rest of the way home and was crying.
He smelled like alcohol but kept promising he had had nothing to drink all day! He has been sick lately and his eyes were red and he was shaky. I keep thinking it's alcohol withdrawal but would that make him smell like alcohol, like would it be coming out of his skin or something? I asked him if he's been taking his meds [anti-depressants and ADD meds] and he said no because he hasn't gotten to re-fill his prescription. I think he might be having withdrawal from coming off the meds. He seemed a little drunk or just out of it/way off when he was tryng to talk to me, and he kept claiming the he saw things moving- like the top of the coffee table or the people on TV who were on pause.
I know this is horrible but no matter what is going on I honestly don't care and I am just MAD at him to the point that I almost hate him.
If he is lying to me about not drinking then I really hate him. But even if he is having some kind of withdrawal or nervous break-down or something I am still mad at him because I think he needs to pull himself together. I know this sounds unsympathetic but I have tried to listen to him and help him but it's all about him and his issues and problems. He told me he feels really over-whelmed and stressed due to having a baby, planning a wedding and taking 21 credit hours, and still trying to work here and there in between everything else. He said he is thinking of dropping one of his classes. I told him we should stop planning the wedding. I also told him I think we may need a break because I don't feel connected to him, I haven't been happy and he needs to straighten stuff out before the baby comes or else he will not be in any shape to be a parent. He said he loves me and does not want us to take a break. He kept asking me why I have been feeling distant or unconnected. I don't know if that was a serious question because it's been pretty obvious to me. I told him that it's like he's a different person and maybe it's just that I am growing up a lot and he isn't or is scared by it. He said he has a lot of fear. But that he does want to marry me and be a good husband and father.
I am just sick of it. I want to get off this rollercoaster. This morning he mentioned that he was going to see if the pharmacy was open yet so he could get back on his anti-depressants. I guess that was supposed to be an effort to change his situation but I honestly don't care. It's like somehow all the caring I had for him has left because I don't see that he is caring for himself or for me.
On the one hand I feel bad for thinking he was lying about not drinking if he was. I don't know how his car would have initially started if he was drinking. On the other hand I feel stupid for even trying to believe him, or I don't even care if he's lying because something is definitely so off and he doesn't even realize the severity of it or want to do anything important about it.
I'm sorry for venting.
Last night my fiance said he got a false positive on his interlock- it worked fine when he was leaving but then after the five-minute re-test it failed. He was almost home but he parked the car a few streets away because he didn't want to drive down our private drive with the car beeping at him due to having failed the re-test. He tried it again five minutes later but it didn't work. It has given him false positives before when I am almost positive he wasn't drinking-- in the morning after his class, or after he was visiting his mom, etc. At that time they said it was a faulty device and they replaced it. Now he says it gave him a false positive again and he is so upset because he has to pay for it no matter what the reason. He had his bike in the car and rode it the rest of the way home and was crying.
He smelled like alcohol but kept promising he had had nothing to drink all day! He has been sick lately and his eyes were red and he was shaky. I keep thinking it's alcohol withdrawal but would that make him smell like alcohol, like would it be coming out of his skin or something? I asked him if he's been taking his meds [anti-depressants and ADD meds] and he said no because he hasn't gotten to re-fill his prescription. I think he might be having withdrawal from coming off the meds. He seemed a little drunk or just out of it/way off when he was tryng to talk to me, and he kept claiming the he saw things moving- like the top of the coffee table or the people on TV who were on pause.
I know this is horrible but no matter what is going on I honestly don't care and I am just MAD at him to the point that I almost hate him.
If he is lying to me about not drinking then I really hate him. But even if he is having some kind of withdrawal or nervous break-down or something I am still mad at him because I think he needs to pull himself together. I know this sounds unsympathetic but I have tried to listen to him and help him but it's all about him and his issues and problems. He told me he feels really over-whelmed and stressed due to having a baby, planning a wedding and taking 21 credit hours, and still trying to work here and there in between everything else. He said he is thinking of dropping one of his classes. I told him we should stop planning the wedding. I also told him I think we may need a break because I don't feel connected to him, I haven't been happy and he needs to straighten stuff out before the baby comes or else he will not be in any shape to be a parent. He said he loves me and does not want us to take a break. He kept asking me why I have been feeling distant or unconnected. I don't know if that was a serious question because it's been pretty obvious to me. I told him that it's like he's a different person and maybe it's just that I am growing up a lot and he isn't or is scared by it. He said he has a lot of fear. But that he does want to marry me and be a good husband and father.I am just sick of it. I want to get off this rollercoaster. This morning he mentioned that he was going to see if the pharmacy was open yet so he could get back on his anti-depressants. I guess that was supposed to be an effort to change his situation but I honestly don't care. It's like somehow all the caring I had for him has left because I don't see that he is caring for himself or for me.
On the one hand I feel bad for thinking he was lying about not drinking if he was. I don't know how his car would have initially started if he was drinking. On the other hand I feel stupid for even trying to believe him, or I don't even care if he's lying because something is definitely so off and he doesn't even realize the severity of it or want to do anything important about it.
I'm sorry for venting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yes alcoholics lie and liars lie. Not every single characteristic is just about the alcoholism.
As for smelling it - my bet is you did. Its a pretty unmistakable smell and hard to cover up. Mine used to try diligently with mouthwash - didn't work. I made a face once when I came home and kissed him and got that slight whiff. He said "I just used mouthwash" - I said hmm when did they come out with vodka flavored?
As for smelling it - my bet is you did. Its a pretty unmistakable smell and hard to cover up. Mine used to try diligently with mouthwash - didn't work. I made a face once when I came home and kissed him and got that slight whiff. He said "I just used mouthwash" - I said hmm when did they come out with vodka flavored?
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