searching4mysel

My AH is moving out on Friday at my request. We have 2 children, ages 9 & 10. A big part of my hesitation was being a single parent and "breaking up" my children's family. Coming to my ultimate decision of asking for a separation had a lot to do with what you just said - that if he continues down this path, your baby will really only have one parent anyway. Even when he is sober, my AH is so self absorbed, manipulative, emotionally unavailable and deceitful that he might as well be drunk all of the time. I am already a single parent, I just have an extra body living in the house, and truthfully he causes more trouble and damage than any help he might provide.

redatlanta

You may be a first time mother to a biological child, but you are also a mother to the active alcoholic living in your home. The needs of an active alcoholic aren't much different than a baby - be prepared for exhaustion you never dreamed of should you choose to stay with this man and his choice not to get sober. He can talk the talk all he wants, but he is NOT walking the walk.

I really can't think of a bigger red flag than his own mother telling you not to marry him. Please don't ignore it.

If you want to help him then you need to help yourself first. Get to Al Anon. While we didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it, stopping co-dependent and enabling behavior CAN have a positive influence on an alcoholic. There are no guarantees that he would seek recovery - but you may find clarity to make the choices you need to make to provide a healthy environment for yourself and your child.

Please read through the AcOA (adult children of alcoholics) forum on here. Being raised in an alcoholic home is devastating with long term effects the most prevalent being that your child is more likely to either be an alcoholic or marry one (or several), and have lots of emotional issues. Can you imagine lighting a cigarette and blowing the smoke in your newborn's face? Absolutely not I am sure is what you are thinking. Well, that is what I think of when I think of choosing to raise a child in an alcoholic home.

Educating yourself about alcoholism will be very helpful to you - post often, read as much as you can.

babyonboard2

Thank you everyone.

Dolly- I didn't mean to imply that I thought he could just have a drink after work. What I meant was that I have realized what a serious thing this is and how he has to seek sobriety & recovery or he will stay a progressive alcoholic, but I don't think he has realized that. He still thinks he can handle it & that he just needs some time off drinking or to drink less etc. Yesterday he told me he wants to not drink for 3 months so that he can buy a computer with all the money he's saved. Then he said during those 3 months he wants to learn how to brew his own beer that he'll drink when the 3 months is up. It is totally cyclical 'reasoning' that always leads back to him drinking. I can see it but I don't think he can. He thinks that as long as he is 'listening' to me & 'working' on it that things are okay and he doesn't understand why I would be so upset. Ironically after he has had a drunken episode, he seems to feel bad & understand that he has let me down but it never 'clicks' for him, at least long-term, that this is a huge issue he has to deal with very seriously.

babyonboard2

searching4mysel- I am sure it is hard to ask for separation but it sounds like the right decision. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope it can get better, thanks for sharing because I'm realizing that that could be my life too.

redatlanta- I think his mom thinks or hopes that he will realize he has a problem & needs to stop. So she thinks that if I postpone the wedding or ask him to move out that it will snap him into shape but I don't think there's anything I can do to change it, it's just up to him.

babyonboard2

Yesterday he got sick and left class to go throw up. I am honestly not sure if it is alcohol withdrawal or a bug. He said he wasn't going to drink yesterday and he didn't. His brother stopped by unexpectantly and brought him a beer [or whatever FourLocos is-- I think it's stronger than beer]. He said he didn't feel well and his brother said 'then save it for another day. Just because you have a beer on hand doesn't mean you need to drink it.' I'm really annoyed with his brother because he will say he knows he has a problem but then he seems to encourage it. Anyway my fiance put the beer in the fridge and I was really tempted to throw it out this morning but I have read that that's co-dependent behavior so I just left it there. Ugh.

AnvilheadII

Yesterday he told me he wants to not drink for 3 months so that he can buy a computer with all the money he's saved. Then he said during those 3 months he wants to learn how to brew his own beer that he'll drink when the 3 months is up.

that's some pretty bonehead thinking. notice what his PLAN is about? HIM. and his drinking.

not you.
not the baby.
not the future.

he sounds like he's about 18.

babyonboard2

Yeah, this was right after telling me he wants to be a good husband and father etc. I think he either doesn't connect the dots about how detrimental drinking is to our relationship or sometimes just doesn't care. When I met him he had a lot of growing up to do [and so did I], and in some ways he has grown up so much. My counselor says she can tell that he has changed a lot from the beginning until now. But in other ways, especially when it comes to alcohol, he is still very child-like. As I write this I do wonder why I was attracted to someone immature- I suppose it's because I was too. I have grown up a lot too [emotionally] and being pregnant just seems to make me grow up even more and then I get so frustrated that he's not always on the same page. Sometimes I start to think, well I met him this way and fell in love with him this way so how can I expect or ask him to change now? But the weird thing is is that he says he does want to change and he sometimes shows me that with his actions but other times not.

AnvilheadII

what you see is what you get. unless and until he addresses his addictions he will be incapable of truly growing and maturing. his brain is stuck in high school.

you seem to have this pretty fantasy picture of what it will be like to have a baby, work, him stay at home - but the HARSH reality is - he's a daily drinker. and if i'm not mistaken mixes with other drugs. does he even HAVE a job? does he currently PAY for anything? does he have a running car, insurance, a savings account? what you WANT him to be is far far FAR from who he really is. send him back to his mom's - you've got enough to deal with!!!

babyonboard2

I guess I do have a fantasy in my head that is different than reality. It's hard because he is really sweet and loving to me, he is smart and we connect on an emotional and intellectual level so it seems like he's the perfect guy, until he gets drunk.

He has prescriptions for the meds he's on but he should not be drinking while on those meds. The meds have really helped his depression but I also worry that they could feed his addictions.

He is currently taking 21 credit hours to finish up his degree before the baby comes. He is really into school for the first time ever, which is nice but sometimes I get frustrated because it seems all he does is 'study,' 'have meetings with his group,' and drink. I put those in quotes because by 'studying'/reading he means doing that while drinking, and he is involved in a community literacy group through school but they meet at a bar/restaurant and 'discuss' their seminars for hours on end while drinking. I told him it's like he's a frat boy. He said he always hated school before and is finally enjoying it. I said that's good but he cannot be a typical college student because he is 31 with a baby on the way.

He has a job that can revolve around his school schedule so last semester he worked part-time and over the winter break he worked full-time. However now that he is school so much he maybe works 5 hours a week if that. I honestly had no problem paying the bills so he could finish school before the baby comes but I honestly feel that he takes me for granted by being so into school that he lets his other responsibilities slide. Don't get me wrong, he does the cooking and most of the grocery shopping, he helps around the house to some extent [neither of us are good at that] and he is good at handyman things like fixing the cars or computers. But when I am working late and he is at the bar with his buddies from school I get really annoyed.

He does have a running car that is paid off and car insurance, no life insurance or savings, however he has no debt [except for a little bit of student loans] and I have a lot of debt [student loans, mortgage, and a small-ish car loan].

dollydo

"we connect on an emotional and intellectual level so it seems like he's the perfect guy"

I've got to admit that this statement in regard to your connection on an emotional level, is a real concern to me. Based on what you have posted, "He is very childlike" it would be indicitive of someone who has the emotional IQ of a teenager and you connect on the same level?

I am not being harsh, however, you are bringing a child into the world....raising that child properly requires the mindset and emotional status of an adult, not another child.

Perhaps you might consider rereading your posts, lots of red flags waving in your face.

I wish you the best.

CodeNameGiggles

From what I understood from both the medical team and counseling team my husband had in detox, depending on what medications he is on, those medications can be rendered null and void by the alcohol (things like antidepressants), can make the alcohol "high" more (things like benzodiazepams), or can be outright dangerous (benzos, other anxiety medications, etc).

Also one thing they mentioned over and over, just because someone has a prescription for medication, it doesn't mean they are using it in the manner intended, and could be abusing it. My husband argued nonstop with me and with his treatment team that he wasn't abusing Xanax because he never was taking more than he was prescribed...he was, however, taking it to control alcohol withdrawal so he could go to work and was taking it to increase his level of intoxication when he was drinking. Did the doctor who prescribed those know he was drinking and how much?

Also, are you going to be able to trust him at this current state once you have an infant? If he has withdrawal shakes? What about if slacking on his responsibilities is feeding your infant child? And you realize, that for most alcoholics, they are running a constant BAL...when I took my husband to detox, he hadn't been drinking since 5-6am, cause the booze ran out, and when they had him blow on admission at 7pm, his BAL was still .157.

babyonboard2

I am definitely not claiming to be super mature and I feel I have some emotional immaturity issues, due to childhood issues I guess and I am trying to overcome them so I see a counselor. So maybe we do connect on that level because I am not emotionally mature either, or at least as much as I would like to be. But what I meant was more that he is emotionally supportive of me and vice versa- we understand each other and can talk for hours and I feel that we know each other very well. I guess sometimes I feel bad because he accepts me exactly for who I am whereas I am always wanting him to change, not really his personality but more like his actions- drinking, finishing school and getting a real job, just in general growing up. I think a constant problem is that I say 'I want to grow up' and I mean it and really try to do it, whereas he says 'I want to grow up' and he means it sometimes but doesn't mean it other times [he also sometimes says he doesn't want to grow up or doesn't see the point of it etc.], and at certain times I can tell he is really trying and making progress but at other times he doesn't try at all.

In some ways he has the emotional IQ of a teenager but when it comes to listening to me and communicating with me he is way better at it than other guys I have been romantically involved with. It's like he reads my minds and knows what I need and generally does it except with the alcohol! Or maybe he is just good at listening to me but not really doing the big things that I need. Sure, it's nice that he makes me juice or brings me tea etc. but maybe it is to overcompensate for the fact that he unexpectedly drinks his head off at times. It is so confusing.

babyonboard2

He was originally prescribed meds by a nurse practitioner at his school. Shortly after he started taking them he ended up in the hospital due to... too high of a BAC from alcohol abuse I guess. I guess essentially being stone cold passed out due to drinking too much. He says that the meds mess up his ability to metabolize alcohol and so they make him drunker much more quickly than he would get if he wasn't on the meds. So basically he can have two drinks [although they are strong drinks so maybe the equivalent of 3 or 4] and act and sound much more drunk than his friends who have had the same amount as him or less.

There was a doctor at the hospital that was really nice to him and told him that alcohol may seem to help his anxiety but it really only makes it worse. This doctor told him to keep a journal of his drinking but my fiance never really did. Now he periodically goes back to the nurse practitioner and the doctor at the hospital to be prescribed the meds.

He wants to get off the meds because he feels they mess with his brain. He was off of them for 2 days and his old negative thought patterns took over and he started talking negatively about his life. I told him not to go off them without discussing with the doctor and having some other plan in place [he wants to eat nutritiously to help himself naturally]. I also told him he needs to be honest with the doctor about how much he drinks. He had started seeing a counselor at his school too but he says it's not very helpful.

When he got on the meds and into counseling I was optimistic and in general things have gotten better- his attitude is more optimistic and he is more focused and he also drinks with less frequency and intensity than he used to. However I don't want him to drink at all. I think that until he gets to that point of realizing that he will just keep dragging out the same pattern even if it gets a little better for awhile.

redatlanta

First of all, nurse practitioners shouldn't be prescribing anti depressant meds. Anti depressant meds are serious business - given the wrong one they can AND DO make depression worse and can lead to suicidal thoughts. I don't read that in your description - however, no psychiatrist (who is the person he should be seeing) would or should prescribe these kinds of medications to anyone with an active alcohol problem. That it intensifies the alcohol is the least of his worries while using them together.

What I read here is a common problem in every relationship. You have changed and are continuing to, he isn't. Yes, I read that there has been some improvement but overall he is a guy who is on the party/fun train and you aren't. Simple as that. With baby on the way you arethinking about the future, how to provide for your child, how everything is going to "work" is he? Couples either grow together or they grow apart.

Whether or not he grows up who knows. I really don't see this man, at this point in life, being shocked into a reality check since your pregnancy hasn't done that - if not pregnancy then what, what will it take?

The Alcoholism merely is the cherry on top. I give you kudos for questioning all these things now and not just ignoring them - its easier sometimes to ignore a problem rather than face it because facing it is painful - ignoring it is far more painful in the long run.

Keep posting - more will be revealed.