babyonboard2

I know this is probably a stupid question. But is it ever 'ok' that someone has a drinking problem? Like, it's not that bad of one so it's kind of excusable?

He drinks pretty much every day and too often drinks to the point of stupor. He isn't a mean drunk, well almost never. He says he is going to stop drinking for awhile or stop drinking 'to excess' but then he does it again. And now he has stopped making promises or saying he will change but instead has taken to hiding it or at other times flaunting it and just not caring about it.

I always thought it wasn't 'that bad' or that I could deal with it because otherwise he is loving and good to me. But now we are having a baby and I am wondering what kind of effects it can have on a child to grow up like this. With a parent who isn't a horrible alcoholic but who definitely has a drinking problem to the point that it interrupts his life and has him hiding it or not keeping his word about it.

I've been to al-anon and have read the literature and so I know I can't change him. So now I'm wondering if it's better to just live like this, which isn't so bad compared to alot of the horror stories I hear, and has a lot of good and positive to balance it out. Or if I should leave and be a single mom. Which is not what I envisioned at all because I love him. But having a baby has changed my perspective on so much and I keep wondering what is best for the baby. I am really not sure.

iamthird

Alcoholism is progressive. It may be little now but will surely get worse.

suki44883

Hello, babyonboard, and welcome.

Please keep in mind that alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better and while you say it isn't horrible most of the time right now, things won't stay this way unless he stops drinking and finds some kind of support.

I grew up in an alcoholic home and am also an alcoholic. It leaves scars; maybe not physical, but definitely emotional. Of course, the best thing for your child would be to live with two parents who are both healthy. Since this won't be the case if you stay with him and he continues to drink, having one healthy parent is better still than growing up in an alcoholic home.

You say he is "almost never" a mean drunk. If he has the capacity to be a mean drunk now, it will only get worse if he continues to drink.

I hope you'll hang around here and read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. There is a great deal of really good information there, and it will help you to know what could very well happen in the future.

babyonboard2

Is it worse for a child to have a single mother with no father around [or weekend visits or whatever], or an intact family with an alcoholic father?

babyonboard2

Sorry Suki. I posted my question before I saw your post, where you more or less answer the question.

suki44883

It is much better for a child to have one healthy happy parent with no alcoholic around. Millions of women have successfully raised children on their own. My mother did it and so did I. You can do it, and it would be easier than trying to live with an alcoholic at the same time.

Justfor1

Drinking to the point of a "stupor" isn't good even if he is a nice drunk. The physical progression of alcoholism will progress.

babyonboard2

I guess I doubt my own healthiness for thinking this was okay or could be okay and for having a baby with him.

Over the weekend his mom and I were looking at wedding venues and she said she thinks he has a drinking problem and needs to stop. I agreed with her. Just the night before we had had a fight because he showed up drunk for our valentine's day date. This was at 7:30 pm. I had told him I don't know if I can marry him. She said she thinks I should postpone the wedding [it is supposed to be in May] because it isn't good for a child to grow up in an alcoholic house.

That really hit home for me because I realized it isn't just me anymore. I know his actions will affect our child. I guess I didn't have enough self-respect to leave him or I just looked at all the good positive things about the relationship and stayed. But now I have to think about someone else, not just me.

I feel bad and stupid for bringing a child into the world who either won't have much of a father or will have an alcoholic father. I am over 4 months pregnant and this is my first child. I was and am really happy to be pregnant but I feel like a lousy mom already. The more I face the issue of him having this drinking problem that isn't going away and is in fact probably getting worse, the worse I feel about myself for letting it get this far and bringing another human being into it. I am beginning to feel that I am not healthy or I never would have let this happen.

AnvilheadII

is "not that bad" good enough for the precious helpless baby's life? and is it really good enough for YOU?

he's a daily drinker. he's forgone even talking about quitting. he HAS been a mean drunk. if he keeps going, it WILL get worse. there has never been a case of someone who drank daily, alcoholically and got BETTER. it is physiologically impossible.

suki44883

His mother sounds like an honest and good-hearted person. I would give her advice a great deal of thought. Getting yourself legally tied to an active alcoholic is a recipe for disaster, especially when a child is involved. I know this is hard, but the welfare of your baby is the most important aspect of this whole situation. I know you want to do what is best for him/her.

choublak

There's nothing WRONG with being a single mother. You're not the first, won't be the last.

babyonboard2

I told her I've thought about telling him he needs to move out so that he can work on his problems by himself. He doesn't seem to take me seriously or want to work on the one big problem of the drinking. She said she thinks this might be a good idea. Secretly I hope asking him to move out wakes him up to where he wants to change. But realistically I know that it probably won't and then I'll just still be sad.

I'm getting really angry because I feel like he doesn't respect me or even the baby enough to really change. I know in my head that that's not how it works, that it's a disease, but I still feel mad. because I tell him how I feel and I get upset and he says he's sorry but nothing changes. And I feel mad at myself for making a bad choice for a father of my baby [because of the drinking- otherwise I think he'd be a good father] and I feel stupid. I was living in denial thinking I was going to have a big happy wedding but now I'm just afraid he'll be drunk or hungover at our wedding!

babyonboard2

I guess I just base the single mother thing off of knowing how I'd feel if I didn't have an actively involved father and hearing my friends who grew up without dads say how much it sucks. Ironically my fiance's dad left his family for another woman when my fiance was young and it was really hard on him to grow up without a father present. I don't want to excuse his drinking but I know that alot of it is self-medicating his feelings of being hurt and abandoned. And I don't want our child to feel that way.

But I don't want to marry him and then have to get divorced because it seems to me that it would be better for a child to not know his parents being together and then breaking up- But just to have it one way from the beginning. I'm not a psychologist so I don't know why I think this, it's just a feeling I have.

AnvilheadII

bob2 - now that you ARE pregnant, it matters less about who got you there or how you got there. right now YOU have some important decisions to make. you have a very short time to get ready for the introduction of a new human to the planet. a new life to plan for, as this life will be your responsibility for the next 18-100 years. (parenting doesn't really END at 18...it's for life). if it doesn't HELP you grow into the best mom ever (which I know you WILL be!) then it's simply unnecessary. you'll be the one who holds his or her hand on their first day of kindergarten...the parent at the 3rd grade spring recital....the mom on the sidelines at the soccer game....

bigsombrero

Don't blame yourself for this. Also, maybe there's a way he'll agree to some help? I know you said he'd promised to quit drinking...but was that just an off-handed comment? Or did you guys sit down and have a serious conversation about it? Maybe if you shared your feelings with him in a firm, open conversation (like, "we need to talk" type), then he'd see your side of things. It is his child too, for what it's worth, and maybe giving him a serious ultimatum about this will get him off the booze and into counciling. Good luck.

babyonboard2

We have had a lot of serious conversations about his drinking, which is why I'm so frustrated. He doesn't seem to be in 'denial' like most of the alcoholics I read or hear about. Rather he usually admits he drinks too much or too often or abnormally but he also says that he doesn't know what the alternative is. He has anxiety, depression, ADD, and he self-medicates with alcohol. Recently things had gotten better because he went on medication for these things, which he used to refuse to do. So I had hope. It has changed his outlook from very negative to very positive and it has helped him be more focused. However it seems to affect him badly with drinking because it seems to me he gets drunk after just a couple beers. We used to go out for happy hours and he would drink the same amount as other people but act way more drunk than they would. He says the medication makes him get drunk faster. Clearly I say he shouldn't mix the alcohol with the medication but it's like he can't stop.

Lately I think there has been a downward spiral. I think he honestly wanted and meant to stop [for awhile- he has never said he wants to stop completely] but is unable to. It seems to me he feels ashamed or defeated and so instead of making more promises or plans, he just shrugs me off and hides his drinking or does it anyway even though he knows I'm upset about it. Just last night we were having dinner and I said, 'you told me last week that you didn't want to drink any more until our wedding, you want to get healthy. Then you told me you want to just drink normally and not to excess, but then you did, on Friday night. What do you think about that?' And he just said, 'I don't know.' He seemed to be a mixture of baffled and resigned. Like he had decided to just stop talking about it with me because he didn't even believe his own words anymore and knew that I shouldn't.

I don't know what an ultimatum should look like. Should I tell him he has to choose between drinking and living with me?

babyonboard2

Also, he has said that he will never go to AA because he thinks it's stupid and the people there are weak and brainwashed [and he is not religious]. He has expressed interest in a book about quitting alcohol by eating nutritious foods [but he has not bought it or read it. He did read maybe half of a book about how to stop drinking without AA, which was supposed to teach him to hate alcohol like smokers hate tobacco when they quit. The whole time he read it, though, he drank, so I don't think the book worked].

Lately he has been on a kick about wanting to eat well so that he can stop taking his anti-depressants, ADD meds, and says that not drinking is part of a plan to get healthy. But he hasn't done the plan in terms of eating well or not drinking. He did go off the meds for a couple days and it made him very negative-thinking and irritated. I told him he shouldn't stop them without talking to his doctor and having a plan, and already having the good nutrition underway rather than it being a pipedream of sorts. His mom told him he isn't helping his problems by mixing the meds with the alcohol.

Received

My question is, how much do YOU care about this baby?

From my own personal experience, the day my mom threw my drunk dad out of the house was the happiest day (at the time) of my very young life. Unfortunately I had to see him on weekends at his place but at least I was safe during the week.

I am also a recovered alcoholic. I stopped drinking for my children and ended up raising them as a single mom when their dad up and left when I told him it was us or the drinking and drugs. I was 5 months pregnant at the time with my youngest. Aside from the birth of my children, that was probably the second happiest day in my life.

They are well adjusted adults living productive lives. I have no doubt the result would have been far different if their dad, who was always in some kind of alcoholic or drug induced stupor, was a constant in their life.

I know some/most people struggle with what to do with a husband or wife that has a substance abuse problem. Me? Nope. My kids safety and well being always came first.

LexieCat

Here's the thing.

Maybe he WILL get sober at some point in the indefinite future. In that case, your child can still have a great relationship with him. So you don't have to give up all hope. Even if you never get back together with him, kids can still have great relationships with both parents who are not together.

HOWEVER, that is all a big "if" right now. Even with a child on the way, it is easier to extricate yourself from a relationship that does not involve marriage. I wouldn't marry an alcoholic in recovery until he had been solidly sober at least a year. My first husband was sober a little over a year when we got married, and 33 years later is still sober. My second husband was VERY newly sober (and had already had a couple of slips) when I married him, thinking surely he would not go back to drinking after almost dying of it. Well, he did, and I left, and fortunately I had no children with him, but I wish I had postponed any wedding plans.

As everyone has pointed out, it's best not to bring children into a day-to-day life with an actively alcoholic parent. A stable home with a non-alcoholic parent is usually preferable. But maybe he will eventually choose to recover--and hopefully with the help of an effective recovery program. Your man has a completely inaccurate concept of what AA is, incidentally. I think part of what scares so many alcoholics away from AA is fear that it just might WORK.

bless5

PLease, please, please listen to your instincts. It's better to be alone than to be in bad company.