Not that bad of a problem?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Originally Posted by babyonboard2 
We have had a lot of serious conversations about his drinking, which is why I'm so frustrated. He doesn't seem to be in 'denial' like most of the alcoholics I read or hear about. Rather he usually admits he drinks too much or too often or abnormally but he also says that he doesn't know what the alternative is. He has anxiety, depression, ADD, and he self-medicates with alcohol. Recently things had gotten better because he went on medication for these things, which he used to refuse to do. So I had hope. It has changed his outlook from very negative to very positive and it has helped him be more focused. However it seems to affect him badly with drinking because it seems to me he gets drunk after just a couple beers. We used to go out for happy hours and he would drink the same amount as other people but act way more drunk than they would. He says the medication makes him get drunk faster. Clearly I say he shouldn't mix the alcohol with the medication but it's like he can't stop.
Lately I think there has been a downward spiral. I think he honestly wanted and meant to stop [for awhile- he has never said he wants to stop completely] but is unable to. It seems to me he feels ashamed or defeated and so instead of making more promises or plans, he just shrugs me off and hides his drinking or does it anyway even though he knows I'm upset about it. Just last night we were having dinner and I said, 'you told me last week that you didn't want to drink any more until our wedding, you want to get healthy. Then you told me you want to just drink normally and not to excess, but then you did, on Friday night. What do you think about that?' And he just said, 'I don't know.' He seemed to be a mixture of baffled and resigned. Like he had decided to just stop talking about it with me because he didn't even believe his own words anymore and knew that I shouldn't.
I don't know what an ultimatum should look like. Should I tell him he has to choose between drinking and living with me?
Lately I think there has been a downward spiral. I think he honestly wanted and meant to stop [for awhile- he has never said he wants to stop completely] but is unable to. It seems to me he feels ashamed or defeated and so instead of making more promises or plans, he just shrugs me off and hides his drinking or does it anyway even though he knows I'm upset about it. Just last night we were having dinner and I said, 'you told me last week that you didn't want to drink any more until our wedding, you want to get healthy. Then you told me you want to just drink normally and not to excess, but then you did, on Friday night. What do you think about that?' And he just said, 'I don't know.' He seemed to be a mixture of baffled and resigned. Like he had decided to just stop talking about it with me because he didn't even believe his own words anymore and knew that I shouldn't.
I don't know what an ultimatum should look like. Should I tell him he has to choose between drinking and living with me?
About the drugs: I was also suffering from anxiety, it really got worse and worse, my girlfriend saw this and was worried about me. Thing was, my anxiety was from the drinking, I am quite certain of that now.... My nervous system just went out of control unless I had a drink in my hand, so normal daily activiteis at work or social events were TERRIBLE without alcohol for me. So much so that I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed meds. I was on 4-5 different medications, at various times, throughout a 2-3 year stretch. I was drinking throughout as well, which also continued to put stress on my nervous system and balance.
In the end I was too exhausted and let the booze take over. I needed help. I got it, and it was treatment. I was not forced, but my family told me how much they loved me, needed this to happen for all of us. It was too late to save my relationship, but it did save my life. There was no way I'd have just "gone to an AA meeting" before I had all those withdrawl seizures that almost killed me. I was more or less wheeled into treatment on a gurney.
I just got off the phone with a guy from my treatment group tonight actually. We talked about just staying positive, embracing life, keeping our dreams alive while putting one step in front of the other. And all while alcohol-free. I would like to think that your significant other could get to this same place, for you and your family.
Anyway I just wanted to share my experience to hopefully help you judge where he is at. I don't have any answers, this is just what happened to me. In the end of course this is all about YOU and your safety and baby.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
I can see myself in the picture you are painting of him. I was in a serious relationship, though we did not have a baby on the way. I "tried", but never really followed through. I mean, I did want to quit, but quitting was okay to talk about, okay to shrug about when I didn't. I thought if I told her that I was "trying" that it would be enough. But honestly it was a part of my life that wasn't going anywhere without a serious change in lifestyle. It had taken a far deeper hold on me than I wanted to admit. And when I did admit that to myself, it scared me so bad that I got worse.
About the drugs: I was also suffering from anxiety, it really got worse and worse, my girlfriend saw this and was worried about me. Thing was, my anxiety was from the drinking, I am quite certain of that now.... My nervous system just went out of control unless I had a drink in my hand, so normal daily activiteis at work or social events were TERRIBLE without alcohol for me. So much so that I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed meds. I was on 4-5 different medications, at various times, throughout a 2-3 year stretch. I was drinking throughout as well, which also continued to put stress on my nervous system and balance.
In the end I was too exhausted and let the booze take over. I needed help. I got it, and it was treatment. I was not forced, but my family told me how much they loved me, needed this to happen for all of us. It was too late to save my relationship, but it did save my life. There was no way I'd have just "gone to an AA meeting" before I had all those withdrawl seizures that almost killed me. I was more or less wheeled into treatment on a gurney.
I just got off the phone with a guy from my treatment group tonight actually. We talked about just staying positive, embracing life, keeping our dreams alive while putting one step in front of the other. And all while alcohol-free. I would like to think that your significant other could get to this same place, for you and your family.
Anyway I just wanted to share my experience to hopefully help you judge where he is at. I don't have any answers, this is just what happened to me. In the end of course this is all about YOU and your safety and baby.
About the drugs: I was also suffering from anxiety, it really got worse and worse, my girlfriend saw this and was worried about me. Thing was, my anxiety was from the drinking, I am quite certain of that now.... My nervous system just went out of control unless I had a drink in my hand, so normal daily activiteis at work or social events were TERRIBLE without alcohol for me. So much so that I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed meds. I was on 4-5 different medications, at various times, throughout a 2-3 year stretch. I was drinking throughout as well, which also continued to put stress on my nervous system and balance.
In the end I was too exhausted and let the booze take over. I needed help. I got it, and it was treatment. I was not forced, but my family told me how much they loved me, needed this to happen for all of us. It was too late to save my relationship, but it did save my life. There was no way I'd have just "gone to an AA meeting" before I had all those withdrawl seizures that almost killed me. I was more or less wheeled into treatment on a gurney.
I just got off the phone with a guy from my treatment group tonight actually. We talked about just staying positive, embracing life, keeping our dreams alive while putting one step in front of the other. And all while alcohol-free. I would like to think that your significant other could get to this same place, for you and your family.
Anyway I just wanted to share my experience to hopefully help you judge where he is at. I don't have any answers, this is just what happened to me. In the end of course this is all about YOU and your safety and baby.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
When I speak of AH's *vodka* it's a one way ticket for fight night and I'm losing. JMO on the matter. I can't make him stop! I have accepted it.
As far as antidepressants go... they become ineffective as more and more alcohol enters the blood stream. My AH and I talked about this with our dr because AH said his antidepressants weren't working well enough and this is why. Alcohol is a depressant. My AH knows it is a depressant yet he still uses it to fight depression.
As far as antidepressants go... they become ineffective as more and more alcohol enters the blood stream. My AH and I talked about this with our dr because AH said his antidepressants weren't working well enough and this is why. Alcohol is a depressant. My AH knows it is a depressant yet he still uses it to fight depression.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I was raised in an alcoholic home, it is my mother, she is 87 years old and has been an abusive drunk for over 66 years. I heard and saw everything, a child is like a sponge, they absorb everything they hear and see, nothing can be hidden from them.
As a child I internalized my fears, and I carried my childhood into adulthood. My childhood was pure hell, aside from her drinking, she could never get her priorities in proper order, the man always came first, her children were pawns in this mess she called her life.
Please put your child first, do the right thing for the child, keep addiction out of the childs life, set the path for growth by good example.
Listen to his mother, I believe that she knows alot more about his issues than you do.
I wish you the best.
As a child I internalized my fears, and I carried my childhood into adulthood. My childhood was pure hell, aside from her drinking, she could never get her priorities in proper order, the man always came first, her children were pawns in this mess she called her life.
Please put your child first, do the right thing for the child, keep addiction out of the childs life, set the path for growth by good example.
Listen to his mother, I believe that she knows alot more about his issues than you do.
I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 36
When I got home last night he was not feeling well [he had not been feeling well all day] and said he thought he was having alcohol withdrawal and so he drank 1 chilado but he didn't feel any better. He was crying and he had written a statement about what he wants out of life/sobriety and it listed reasons he wanted to stop drinking and then his fears about stopping drinking. I asked him what had brought this on [although I had been thinking about it a lot at work and posting on here, I had not talked to him about his drinking yesterday] and he said 'I don't know, I think your question to me yesterday about why I got drunk after saying I didn't want to get drunk. It really made me think.' He was talking about how he knows he wants a different and better life and he knows he needs to change his actions as well as his thinking now that he wants to be a good husband and father. He wasn't drunk or even tipsy and he just looked distressed and sad. I feel like it is some improvement in that he is thinking about this on his own and knows he needs to do something, probably to save the relationship but also just because he wants to.
He occasionally sees a counselor as well as a doctor who prescribes him meds, who had told him to keep a journal of how much he drinks [but he has never done that as far as I know]. I want to be encouraging to him and tell him to talk to his counselor and doctor about his drinking issue and start with one day of not drinking. But I don't want to be pushy or make it about me as I know it has to be about him.
He occasionally sees a counselor as well as a doctor who prescribes him meds, who had told him to keep a journal of how much he drinks [but he has never done that as far as I know]. I want to be encouraging to him and tell him to talk to his counselor and doctor about his drinking issue and start with one day of not drinking. But I don't want to be pushy or make it about me as I know it has to be about him.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
He says he wants this, he says he wants that. He says, he says. Words from an alcoholic mean absolutely squat. If he doesn't put some action with those words, it is nothing but manipulation and quacking.
You have every right to decide what you want to live with and how you want your child raised. Your responsibility is to your child, not this man. Regardless of how much you love him, everything changed when you became pregnant. The baby is the most important aspect of this situation.
You have every right to decide what you want to live with and how you want your child raised. Your responsibility is to your child, not this man. Regardless of how much you love him, everything changed when you became pregnant. The baby is the most important aspect of this situation.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 76
Let me offer a glimpse into my not so recent past.
My husband had alcohol issues. About a year before I became pregnant the first time, his alcohol intake got to be a problem. However, he had a job. I had a job. He was only a jerk occassionally and only to me. He couldn't really be an alcoholic, could he?
Then I got pregnant. And his drinking got worse because then their was family pressure about how his family thought they should be involved, and as a fairly private person, I wasn't cool with that. So he drank more. He got uglier. He was depressed. It was all my fault. He was on Prozac, then he was on Xanax for anxiety.
We had our first child. I was in the hospital with pre-eclampsia at 34 weeks. Our baby was born at 35 weeks and sent to the NICU. He spent most of the 10 days of my hospitalization drunk. When he wasn't drunk, he was insulting me for being needy. After my c-section, he looked in on me, said he was going to lunch with his parents, and left me.
The drinking got worse. At this point, he was hiding it and I wasn't aware of how bad it really was - what I saw was bad enough. I became pregnant again. In a weekend's time, we went from celebrating our child's first birthday to a suicide attempt, detox, rehab, and him losing his job.
People talk about functional alcoholics. The best lesson I learned on this board that kept me sane was it didn't matter if he was functional...he was still an alcoholic, so that little bit of me was prepared. Sad and angry - but prepared. I had already been putting my ducks in a row to be able to take care of my children on my own, because it was a matter of time.
My husband had alcohol issues. About a year before I became pregnant the first time, his alcohol intake got to be a problem. However, he had a job. I had a job. He was only a jerk occassionally and only to me. He couldn't really be an alcoholic, could he?
Then I got pregnant. And his drinking got worse because then their was family pressure about how his family thought they should be involved, and as a fairly private person, I wasn't cool with that. So he drank more. He got uglier. He was depressed. It was all my fault. He was on Prozac, then he was on Xanax for anxiety.
We had our first child. I was in the hospital with pre-eclampsia at 34 weeks. Our baby was born at 35 weeks and sent to the NICU. He spent most of the 10 days of my hospitalization drunk. When he wasn't drunk, he was insulting me for being needy. After my c-section, he looked in on me, said he was going to lunch with his parents, and left me.
The drinking got worse. At this point, he was hiding it and I wasn't aware of how bad it really was - what I saw was bad enough. I became pregnant again. In a weekend's time, we went from celebrating our child's first birthday to a suicide attempt, detox, rehab, and him losing his job.
People talk about functional alcoholics. The best lesson I learned on this board that kept me sane was it didn't matter if he was functional...he was still an alcoholic, so that little bit of me was prepared. Sad and angry - but prepared. I had already been putting my ducks in a row to be able to take care of my children on my own, because it was a matter of time.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 87
His mom sounds like she may be a great resource and source of support for you (and baby.) Do you have others ~ friends, relatives ~ who will also be support for you & baby as you get to term and baby is born? New moms need some help... not another adult in need of mothering, siphoning off the scarce resources of time and energy you'll have as a new mom. Babies are intense little characters! It's not selfish to think of yourself and baby, and how your life and body will be changing ~ and set things up to make that easier and healthier for you.
Single mothering is difficult, but so is married mothering, and mothering with a partner who is dysfunctional--married or not. Seems like you have enough to deal with right now without changing the nature of your relationship and being legally bound by marriage to someone with an alcohol problem. (Getting IN is much easier than getting out.)
I am a grandma... and it struck me how much your description of your BF sounds like my husband. I didn't know until recently that he'd been a daily drinker over 35 years, and just realizing and accepting that my husband is an alcoholic truly turned my world on its axis. I know everyone is different, but I think my own husband knew in his heart that he had an alcohol dependency long ago and just deluded himself into thinking he could control and manage it. That has cut down on outward damage, but the effects to his health and life are still there. I wonder too what effect seeing his daily drinking had on his children, as one of them (with young children of his own) has had problems with binge drinking and already drinks an awful lot on a regular basis. I've known this man since I was a kid, and I know he was an encouraging, involved, devoted father ~ a good man and a good dad ~ but I wonder if he didn't inadvertently make the path to alcoholism way too easy for his children.
Single mothering is difficult, but so is married mothering, and mothering with a partner who is dysfunctional--married or not. Seems like you have enough to deal with right now without changing the nature of your relationship and being legally bound by marriage to someone with an alcohol problem. (Getting IN is much easier than getting out.)
I am a grandma... and it struck me how much your description of your BF sounds like my husband. I didn't know until recently that he'd been a daily drinker over 35 years, and just realizing and accepting that my husband is an alcoholic truly turned my world on its axis. I know everyone is different, but I think my own husband knew in his heart that he had an alcohol dependency long ago and just deluded himself into thinking he could control and manage it. That has cut down on outward damage, but the effects to his health and life are still there. I wonder too what effect seeing his daily drinking had on his children, as one of them (with young children of his own) has had problems with binge drinking and already drinks an awful lot on a regular basis. I've known this man since I was a kid, and I know he was an encouraging, involved, devoted father ~ a good man and a good dad ~ but I wonder if he didn't inadvertently make the path to alcoholism way too easy for his children.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
His words mean nothing, it is all about his actions, he can and will tell you anything and everything he thinks you want to hear at the drop of a hat. Listen with your eyes, not your ears, people in the throws of active alcoholism are great manipulators.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by EnnuiStasis
His mom sounds like she may be a great resource and source of support for you (and baby.) Do you have others ~ friends, relatives ~ who will also be support for you & baby as you get to term and baby is born? New moms need some help... not another adult in need of mothering, siphoning off the scarce resources of time and energy you'll have as a new mom. Babies are intense little characters! It's not selfish to think of yourself and baby, and how your life and body will be changing ~ and set things up to make that easier and healthier for you.
Single mothering is difficult, but so is married mothering, and mothering with a partner who is dysfunctional--married or not. Seems like you have enough to deal with right now without changing the nature of your relationship and being legally bound by marriage to someone with an alcohol problem. (Getting IN is much easier than getting out.)
I am a grandma... and it struck me how much your description of your BF sounds like my husband. I didn't know until recently that he'd been a daily drinker over 35 years, and just realizing and accepting that my husband is an alcoholic truly turned my world on its axis. I know everyone is different, but I think my own husband knew in his heart that he had an alcohol dependency long ago and just deluded himself into thinking he could control and manage it. That has cut down on outward damage, but the effects to his health and life are still there. I wonder too what effect seeing his daily drinking had on his children, as one of them (with young children of his own) has had problems with binge drinking and already drinks an awful lot on a regular basis. I've known this man since I was a kid, and I know he was an encouraging, involved, devoted father ~ a good man and a good dad ~ but I wonder if he didn't inadvertently make the path to alcoholism way too easy for his children.
Single mothering is difficult, but so is married mothering, and mothering with a partner who is dysfunctional--married or not. Seems like you have enough to deal with right now without changing the nature of your relationship and being legally bound by marriage to someone with an alcohol problem. (Getting IN is much easier than getting out.)
I am a grandma... and it struck me how much your description of your BF sounds like my husband. I didn't know until recently that he'd been a daily drinker over 35 years, and just realizing and accepting that my husband is an alcoholic truly turned my world on its axis. I know everyone is different, but I think my own husband knew in his heart that he had an alcohol dependency long ago and just deluded himself into thinking he could control and manage it. That has cut down on outward damage, but the effects to his health and life are still there. I wonder too what effect seeing his daily drinking had on his children, as one of them (with young children of his own) has had problems with binge drinking and already drinks an awful lot on a regular basis. I've known this man since I was a kid, and I know he was an encouraging, involved, devoted father ~ a good man and a good dad ~ but I wonder if he didn't inadvertently make the path to alcoholism way too easy for his children.
I also have a career here that would make it hard to move away. I rely on myself for income and my fiance is currently in school. The house is mine and I would not be able to sell it in this market without taking a loss.
For the most part I am happy living where I do but I guess I don't have the best support system. I have a great midwife, for whatever that's worth, and I have a counselor. I have some friends but I guess I have always been the type of person who just relies on myself and so I am not used to asking for help. I am not sure what it would be like to raise a baby on my own. My fiance has a lot of issues but he is very loving and caring and does things around the house etc. and the plan was going to be that he would stay home with the baby while I work. But clearly if he continues to drink like this then that is not going to be an option. To be honest I never want him to drink even one beer around our baby. In general I think it would be fine to relax and have a drink after work etc. but the way he drinks makes me worried and I just don't want our child to 'see' him like that or be around him drunk. And I can't trust that he would just have one, as that is impossible.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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I guess I should point out that I have an established career, make good money and am not a young first-time mother [I'm in my 30's]. So I am sure I will be able to do whatever it takes to raise the baby alone if necessary but ideally I want the baby to have two parents---a family. However I am just beginning to realize that if he continues down this path the baby will really only have one 'parent' anyway.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I know these posts may seem harsh to you...but they come from people who have walked your walk. Your BF can talk all day and all night about "wanting" to be sober....he has to DO it. He can go to an AA meeting today if he's serious, but he has to want to do that. He can't go because you tell him to. Actions speak louder than words. He will tell you anything you need to hear to keep you tied to him. Don't listen....watch instead. The talk is quacking until he follows through with action.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 13
Hi BoB. I can relate to your situation so much. I have a just-turned-two-year-old little boy and when I was pregnant my boyfriend drank then, and I remember wrestling with the same heartbreaking and impossible decision as you - sounds very similar - my partner is a functioning A - he is self employed and does well, he doesn't drink every day, rather he cycles between drinking and not e.g. for a few days, sometimes more than a week, but it is a neverending cycle. He also refuses to go to AA (he did go twice, and was sober for 3 months, but didn't last, and now he says it's stupid/he can't relate etc). He is my best friend, and I loved him so much, I can't bear the thought of not being together, and that is what has kept me here, but I wish I was stronger sometimes. Lke yours I do think he has good intentions as in he wants to stop drinking, and measn what he says, but promises are constantly broken. He 'wasn't going to drink through my pregnany', 'for 2013', 'till I had finished my phd' etc. none of it worked. Now that I have my little boy, like you say it is different. I am so aware of it now he is bigger and understands more that I'm seriously thinking of leaving. I just have a horrible guilty feeling when I think of my partner being sad. Then I think, it's disease, I should stand by him. and here we are again in the procrastination!! I hope you find the strength to make a good decision. I hope I do too. xx
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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ps: I also wrestle with the decision of which is worse: no dad, or alcoholic dad - it is really not what I imagined for my future family, and I find it difficult to get over this sadness, especially that I may then not have a sibling for my son :-( so I understand. I'm sorry I don'y really have answers, I just wanted to say you're not alone In what you're dealing with.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 13
pps: I also was meant to be getting married (June 2013) and 'postponed' it - blamed on stress of finished PhD plus starting job and money etc etc. but really it was a huge relief, as it had felt so wrong to be planning it in this situation
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Jenss,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this and I can relate to everything you say. [I guess I hadn't even thought of the sibling issue!] Uggh. Thank you for sharing and I wish all the best for you and your family.
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this and I can relate to everything you say. [I guess I hadn't even thought of the sibling issue!] Uggh. Thank you for sharing and I wish all the best for you and your family.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is an alcoholic, he can't just have "a" drink after work, it doesn't work that way. Read up about alcoholism, this is a disease that has no cure, he will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is sober and working a strong recovery program or not, that is it.
IMO, a child should never be raised in an enviornment where addiction is present and definitely not left alone with an active alcoholic/drug addict. They are not responsibile parents.
You are self-reliant, you do not need to go anywhere, he can move out.
IMO, a child should never be raised in an enviornment where addiction is present and definitely not left alone with an active alcoholic/drug addict. They are not responsibile parents.
You are self-reliant, you do not need to go anywhere, he can move out.
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