Letting Go of Resentment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 43
Letting Go of Resentment
Does anyone have any helpful advice (or can point me in the right direction) for starting to let go of resentment for the AH? I've been doing well lately taking care of myself -- I can detach from his crazy conversations when he drinks, I've set boundaries for our physical relationship, I fill my personal time with our kids and good friends and supportive family. And I just this week got offered a full time job after almost 8 years of being a stay-at-home mom. I'm excited for new opportunities and for the potential for financial independence. I feel blessed that things are moving in a positive direction.
But I realized this week that I still resent the AH. I still have a lot of anger of what he has put our family and friends through for the past several years. And for basically wrecking his career. And for his carelessness with his health. And given all that has happened, and the fact he is still drinking, he wants a clean slate and all to be forgiven WITHOUT EVER HAVING APOLOGIZED. And he wants a medal for cutting down to 4-5 beers a night. He acts like he's beaten the drinking thing. ??? I know it's a disease and I should feel some level of compassion that he is caught in addiction, but I'm having trouble feeling compassion for someone who has the ability and support to turn things around, but just doesn't.
Holding on to resentment, I know, probably hurts me way more than him. Any words of wisdom for how to work through this anger?
But I realized this week that I still resent the AH. I still have a lot of anger of what he has put our family and friends through for the past several years. And for basically wrecking his career. And for his carelessness with his health. And given all that has happened, and the fact he is still drinking, he wants a clean slate and all to be forgiven WITHOUT EVER HAVING APOLOGIZED. And he wants a medal for cutting down to 4-5 beers a night. He acts like he's beaten the drinking thing. ??? I know it's a disease and I should feel some level of compassion that he is caught in addiction, but I'm having trouble feeling compassion for someone who has the ability and support to turn things around, but just doesn't.
Holding on to resentment, I know, probably hurts me way more than him. Any words of wisdom for how to work through this anger?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Shasta, CA
Posts: 91
"but I'm having trouble feeling compassion for someone who has the ability and support to turn things around, but just doesn't."
I ask myself this question all the time also, it seems that it does hurt us more then them. I wish i had some wise words for you but i dont. All i can give is the support that you are not alone in this feeling, and the quoted above situation.
I ask myself this question all the time also, it seems that it does hurt us more then them. I wish i had some wise words for you but i dont. All i can give is the support that you are not alone in this feeling, and the quoted above situation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I read some books on anger and forgiveness. The first was called How Can I Forgive You and the Freedom Not To, by Janis Abrahm Springs. Tuffgirl has a great suggestion somewhere that I can't ever remember the name of that I have bought and not yet read.
Also The Dance of Anger by Harriet Learner helped.
I needed some permission from the first to not forgive right away, and to not ever have to if I did not want to.
The second taught me that anger is usually a way it comes across if a boundary of mine has been stepped on. I had not realized that previously.
I can have compassion for my loved one that got me here now. Not always, but I am growing and learning.
Also The Dance of Anger by Harriet Learner helped.
I needed some permission from the first to not forgive right away, and to not ever have to if I did not want to.
The second taught me that anger is usually a way it comes across if a boundary of mine has been stepped on. I had not realized that previously.
I can have compassion for my loved one that got me here now. Not always, but I am growing and learning.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What helped me was to remember that he didn't choose to be this person that he's become. It's not like legal insanity--they know what is right and wrong and often do the wrong thing. But their thinking is so warped by the alcohol and all the self-loathing that goes along with it (whether they ever show it or admit it or not, I think almost all alcoholics hate what they are). And the drinking isn't really a choice, either, not once that switch is flipped.
It's a lot harder to forgive someone who won't admit he's done anything wrong. I think the only way you can really begin is to look at it as something you are doing to free yourself. Being angry and resentful sucks the joy out of my life. I choose not to hold onto those feelings. Maybe you can't help the feelings but you don't have to invite them in to stay.
It's a lot harder to forgive someone who won't admit he's done anything wrong. I think the only way you can really begin is to look at it as something you are doing to free yourself. Being angry and resentful sucks the joy out of my life. I choose not to hold onto those feelings. Maybe you can't help the feelings but you don't have to invite them in to stay.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
I agree with what everyone says, above.
One additional step that helped me begin to let go of my resentments (and I still have some work to do) was to educate myself on addiction/alcoholism. The best source, for me, was a book called "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Gabor Mate, MD.
Alcoholics/addicts have a damaged prefrontal cortex and completely different brain chemistry than "normal" people This was crucial to my understanding this as the *disease* that it is. It is a cunning baffling and powerful disease, as they say in AA.
No one chooses to be an addict, I don't think. My AH did not say to himself as a teenager "Hmm, I think I'll plan to lose my job, wife, house, health, and friends so I can drink cheap vodka in a plastic bottle when I'm in my 50s."
Accepting it as a disease over which I had no control let me begin to feel compassion for my AH. Once compassion awakened, the resentments began to fade.
(that is not to say that one shouldn't have boundaries!)
One additional step that helped me begin to let go of my resentments (and I still have some work to do) was to educate myself on addiction/alcoholism. The best source, for me, was a book called "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Gabor Mate, MD.
Alcoholics/addicts have a damaged prefrontal cortex and completely different brain chemistry than "normal" people This was crucial to my understanding this as the *disease* that it is. It is a cunning baffling and powerful disease, as they say in AA.
No one chooses to be an addict, I don't think. My AH did not say to himself as a teenager "Hmm, I think I'll plan to lose my job, wife, house, health, and friends so I can drink cheap vodka in a plastic bottle when I'm in my 50s."
Accepting it as a disease over which I had no control let me begin to feel compassion for my AH. Once compassion awakened, the resentments began to fade.
(that is not to say that one shouldn't have boundaries!)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
And the drinking isn't really a choice, either, not once that switch is flipped.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Not sure about your religion. But I'm Christian and have focused a lot on forgiveness this past year -- it has been so freeing. One of my faves: Mark 11:25: " ...if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him so that your Father in heaven may forgive you."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I'm not sure that "letting go of resentment" against our alcoholic is necessarily necessary, or even the best thing to do for ourselves.
"Letting go of resentment" has an implication that we are holding onto inappropriate feelings. "Resentment" sounds like a swallowed emotion to me.
The definition of resentment includes:
"a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury" or "Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance."
Having a "real or imagined grievance" or "indignant displeasure" or "persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong" - -
This is not what has happened to us. We have been wronged. We have been treated badly. We have been lied to, stolen from, abused, verbally harassed, physically beaten, terrified, threatened, snored at by a drunken jerk on the floor, peed on, pick your description of mistreatment, and it has happened to one or all of us.
"Someone done me wrong", as the song says.
We have good reason to be angry. To feel anger. To feel fury. To feel rage. We ARE NOT HAPPY ABOUT HOW WE'VE BEEN TREATED.
And why should we be?
Being angry is not bad for us. This is the truth for us.
The question is not one of "letting go of resentment".
The question is what we decide to do about our anger, our rage, our fury.
The question is about what we continue to take and what we continue to swallow.
The question is how do we move beyond allowing other people to treat us so badly.
Yes, I understand the stuff about carrying anger around will only hurt us, and we should forgive and move on. I get that.
On the one hand, it is true. On the other hand, it is just another way of lying down and taking it again, another way of choosing to be the martyr.
If we're angry, let it rip. I'm not suggesting we erupt like a little cyclone of rage and tear up everything around us. Use a little grace of expression, a bit of eloquence when you say it. You don't have to wreck anything or everything to say it out-loud. But you do have to say it. You do have to own the truth of what happened to you.
I'm saying if we don't get down to brass tacks and admit our gut core feelings, we won't ever get better.
When we're done, we can let go. We can forgive if it suits us. Or not.
When we're done, the fury will have been dispersed, like the top blown off of the volcano. And like the spent volcano, once the fierce fiery lava has erupted, once the roaring energy has been expended, all will cool and there will be quiet again in our souls.
We won't have anything that we swallowed left.
We will be free.
We will be at peace.
Bet this woke up the Forum!!!!!
I'm ducking now, saying "take what you want leave the rest" in a whisper as I disappear around the corner out of sight for the rest of the night.... whhooooosssshhhh.... someone let me know if it's safe to come back tomorrow.....
ShootingStar1
"Letting go of resentment" has an implication that we are holding onto inappropriate feelings. "Resentment" sounds like a swallowed emotion to me.
The definition of resentment includes:
"a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury" or "Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance."
Having a "real or imagined grievance" or "indignant displeasure" or "persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong" - -
This is not what has happened to us. We have been wronged. We have been treated badly. We have been lied to, stolen from, abused, verbally harassed, physically beaten, terrified, threatened, snored at by a drunken jerk on the floor, peed on, pick your description of mistreatment, and it has happened to one or all of us.
"Someone done me wrong", as the song says.
We have good reason to be angry. To feel anger. To feel fury. To feel rage. We ARE NOT HAPPY ABOUT HOW WE'VE BEEN TREATED.
And why should we be?
Being angry is not bad for us. This is the truth for us.
The question is not one of "letting go of resentment".
The question is what we decide to do about our anger, our rage, our fury.
The question is about what we continue to take and what we continue to swallow.
The question is how do we move beyond allowing other people to treat us so badly.
Yes, I understand the stuff about carrying anger around will only hurt us, and we should forgive and move on. I get that.
On the one hand, it is true. On the other hand, it is just another way of lying down and taking it again, another way of choosing to be the martyr.
If we're angry, let it rip. I'm not suggesting we erupt like a little cyclone of rage and tear up everything around us. Use a little grace of expression, a bit of eloquence when you say it. You don't have to wreck anything or everything to say it out-loud. But you do have to say it. You do have to own the truth of what happened to you.
I'm saying if we don't get down to brass tacks and admit our gut core feelings, we won't ever get better.
When we're done, we can let go. We can forgive if it suits us. Or not.
When we're done, the fury will have been dispersed, like the top blown off of the volcano. And like the spent volcano, once the fierce fiery lava has erupted, once the roaring energy has been expended, all will cool and there will be quiet again in our souls.
We won't have anything that we swallowed left.
We will be free.
We will be at peace.
Bet this woke up the Forum!!!!!
I'm ducking now, saying "take what you want leave the rest" in a whisper as I disappear around the corner out of sight for the rest of the night.... whhooooosssshhhh.... someone let me know if it's safe to come back tomorrow.....
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Sorry guys. I didn't meant to go on a rant. Guess some of my anger about my STBXAH's current behavior came out in that post. He's back to his old bait and switch behavior, and now he's trying to get the lawyers to fight with each other. Didn't mean to take it out on you guys.
ShootingStar1
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
I think we all have the same problem. I don't know if any of us have had a genuine heartfelt apology from our alcoholics. They all seem to want endless clean slates and forgiveness.
My partner has quit drinking, but although he was dissolved into a pool of tears and sorrys before I agreed to come back, I don't think he truly accepts the damage he did to our relationship. I base this on the fact that he refuses to revisit our darkest days in conversation, and even said that I had pushed him to drink recently. It may have only been said in a moment of anger, but this suggests to me he may even still think/hope I should take some of the blame, even if he can't tell me how it is I somehow forced him to drink. Hard not to get resentful of that, let me tell you.
But if I were him, and I were truly able to take responsibility for what I had done, I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I'd rather be dead. I suspect all the forgetting and downplaying of events is something of a protective mechanism. And I am also with Lexiecat and amooseoncebitmysister in that none of them set out to become alcoholics and treat us badly. It's not a goal people aspire to. It's incredibly frustrating, as Choublak says, that they don't do something to sort themselves out before that switch is flicked, but how do we know it wasn't flicked the first moment they had a drink? You and I can never know these things. They probably don't either.
All I know is that whenever resentment sets in with me I try to remind myself of the fact that this is a wasted emotion. It doesn't make him see "the light" and never will. It damages our relationship and feels lile I'm stuck on an exhausting merry-go-round of pain.
You managed to get a job after eight years off the market. That's a massive achievement. Along with your financial independence, jobs bring other opportunites and friendships. You should be proud of that and try to channel your emotions into that aspect of your life.
My partner has quit drinking, but although he was dissolved into a pool of tears and sorrys before I agreed to come back, I don't think he truly accepts the damage he did to our relationship. I base this on the fact that he refuses to revisit our darkest days in conversation, and even said that I had pushed him to drink recently. It may have only been said in a moment of anger, but this suggests to me he may even still think/hope I should take some of the blame, even if he can't tell me how it is I somehow forced him to drink. Hard not to get resentful of that, let me tell you.
But if I were him, and I were truly able to take responsibility for what I had done, I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I'd rather be dead. I suspect all the forgetting and downplaying of events is something of a protective mechanism. And I am also with Lexiecat and amooseoncebitmysister in that none of them set out to become alcoholics and treat us badly. It's not a goal people aspire to. It's incredibly frustrating, as Choublak says, that they don't do something to sort themselves out before that switch is flicked, but how do we know it wasn't flicked the first moment they had a drink? You and I can never know these things. They probably don't either.
All I know is that whenever resentment sets in with me I try to remind myself of the fact that this is a wasted emotion. It doesn't make him see "the light" and never will. It damages our relationship and feels lile I'm stuck on an exhausting merry-go-round of pain.
You managed to get a job after eight years off the market. That's a massive achievement. Along with your financial independence, jobs bring other opportunites and friendships. You should be proud of that and try to channel your emotions into that aspect of your life.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
Sorry guys. I didn't meant to go on a rant. Guess some of my anger about my STBXAH's current behavior came out in that post. He's back to his old bait and switch behavior, and now he's trying to get the lawyers to fight with each other. Didn't mean to take it out on you guys.
ShootingStar1
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
Sorry guys. I didn't meant to go on a rant. Guess some of my anger about my STBXAH's current behavior came out in that post. He's back to his old bait and switch behavior, and now he's trying to get the lawyers to fight with each other. Didn't mean to take it out on you guys.
ShootingStar1
ShootingStar1
Sorry you're x is being a pill. I know the feeling.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
I have a boat-load of resentment toward my AW, and I'm not sure I could ever let go of it.
I have the same resentment toward my A-MIL who got stupid drunk while taking care of our newborn when AW was in the hospital due to complications.
I have the same resentment toward my A-MIL who got stupid drunk while taking care of our newborn when AW was in the hospital due to complications.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
I have the same resentment toward my A-MIL.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Something that has really helped me is this book,
Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment [Karen Casey]
For me working detachment has really helped me with getting over my resentments. It doesn't me I approve of what happened or that I will forget it happened, it simply means that I am not carrying that toxic mess around with me anymore. Well not as much.
Your friend,
Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment [Karen Casey]
For me working detachment has really helped me with getting over my resentments. It doesn't me I approve of what happened or that I will forget it happened, it simply means that I am not carrying that toxic mess around with me anymore. Well not as much.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Right now resentment is helping me stand my ground. I am acknowledging this resentment. In my mind I am entitled to it! When STBAXH and I were together, I certainly felt resentment but I kept it beneath the surface while simultaneously trying to keep my marriage together. Didn't work out so well.
Now that we are in the process of a divorce, and his manipulative, selfish and vindictive behavior continues, I use that resentment to maintain my resolve.
I think I understand how it can eat away at you. I understand how you must let it go of resentment if you want to move forward together in a relationship. But right now, for me, I prefer this emotion (?) to fear or anger. When I experience this resentment I doubt myself less and I feel as though I am appropriately protecting myself. When I feel anger (which for me is always rooted in fear) it seems more like I am a victim, still under his control in a way.
I guess, for some, resentment can provide a helpful boundary. I understand that he didn't choose to be an alcoholic but he did refuse to get help knowing full-well the damage he was causing. I have no doubt I will forgive him - but I see that as something different.
In the final analysis, letting go of resentment may be a good thing for some, it all depends on how it is impacting your life.
MamaKit
Now that we are in the process of a divorce, and his manipulative, selfish and vindictive behavior continues, I use that resentment to maintain my resolve.
I think I understand how it can eat away at you. I understand how you must let it go of resentment if you want to move forward together in a relationship. But right now, for me, I prefer this emotion (?) to fear or anger. When I experience this resentment I doubt myself less and I feel as though I am appropriately protecting myself. When I feel anger (which for me is always rooted in fear) it seems more like I am a victim, still under his control in a way.
I guess, for some, resentment can provide a helpful boundary. I understand that he didn't choose to be an alcoholic but he did refuse to get help knowing full-well the damage he was causing. I have no doubt I will forgive him - but I see that as something different.
In the final analysis, letting go of resentment may be a good thing for some, it all depends on how it is impacting your life.
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
ShootingStar - I loved your post- I have lots of hot lava I have needed to get out - and I mean lots- I am giggling now because I wore a red sweater today and being a redhead I never do but I guess I am feeling red or on fire or just hot - and I dont mean in a sexy way- in a get the hell out of my way way! I just need to be free of this resentment and anger - I need to be free of it and then I can move on. The resentment the anger the totally pissed off feeling is what I have right now and it is part of a process I guess. Who knows what will be next - it is like a guessing game but I need to get through it. We all need to deal with our feelings......... Hugs -
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 43
Letting go some of my resentment has been good for me. I used to resent that I had to cook dinner every night while AH drank. Eventually I came to realize that I enjoy cooking and making healthy dinners for the kids and I could let go of that resentment.
I agree with some of you... maybe holding on to some of that resentment helps with setting boundaries. My therapist thinks I have a right to resent how I've been treated. I guess I still get stuck when I think of what he has put me through, and how much I have had to struggle to get out of that black hole, and how far I have come. And then I have to listen to the whole "poor me" thing. How the world is against him and he was dealt a bum card in life and no one cares about him. And how things just come so easily to me -- I got a great job within a few weeks and he's been looking for many months. Blah blah blah, quack quack quack. I've been working my butt off and I'm proud of what I have accomplished and I resent the implication that I'm just somehow "lucky" and that is why I can be happy with myself and my life. That talk just belittles me and allows him to play the martyr once again. I'm so tired of being around Debbie (or Don?) Downer all the time.
Sorry for the rant, but I'm just frustrated today. AH is sick which just amplifies the "poor me" attitude.
I agree with some of you... maybe holding on to some of that resentment helps with setting boundaries. My therapist thinks I have a right to resent how I've been treated. I guess I still get stuck when I think of what he has put me through, and how much I have had to struggle to get out of that black hole, and how far I have come. And then I have to listen to the whole "poor me" thing. How the world is against him and he was dealt a bum card in life and no one cares about him. And how things just come so easily to me -- I got a great job within a few weeks and he's been looking for many months. Blah blah blah, quack quack quack. I've been working my butt off and I'm proud of what I have accomplished and I resent the implication that I'm just somehow "lucky" and that is why I can be happy with myself and my life. That talk just belittles me and allows him to play the martyr once again. I'm so tired of being around Debbie (or Don?) Downer all the time.
Sorry for the rant, but I'm just frustrated today. AH is sick which just amplifies the "poor me" attitude.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I dunno. I can't think of anything GOOD about resentment. Resentment involves feeling all the wrong, all the hurt, all the anger, over and over again.
You can set a boundary for something that you know you do not wish to accept or to have in your life without having a resentment about the times you were wronged.
My favorite resentment story:
Two monks are traveling on a path along the river when they encounter a woman trying to cross the dangerous current. The bigger, stronger monk picks her up on his back and carries her safely to the other side. The second monk says nothing, but two days later, he explodes: "You KNOW we are not supposed to touch women! You're supposed to be my teacher! How can you just casually ignore your vows like that!" The first monk smiles and says, "I put her down two days ago--YOU'VE been carrying her since then."
You can set a boundary for something that you know you do not wish to accept or to have in your life without having a resentment about the times you were wronged.
My favorite resentment story:
Two monks are traveling on a path along the river when they encounter a woman trying to cross the dangerous current. The bigger, stronger monk picks her up on his back and carries her safely to the other side. The second monk says nothing, but two days later, he explodes: "You KNOW we are not supposed to touch women! You're supposed to be my teacher! How can you just casually ignore your vows like that!" The first monk smiles and says, "I put her down two days ago--YOU'VE been carrying her since then."
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
ShootingStar thanks for your post, it helped me, and I agree with you.
I feel that as someone with huge codie traits (I don't like to say "I am a codie" because I know I am more than my toxic behaviors), it is a HUGE step forward to resent something.
I recall that for decades I thought I held no resentments and in reality I was just a doormat. I could not resent anything because I thought I was sub human or second class or trash or non-existant and certainly unworthy of anything good. Resentment now, means that FINALLY, I realize I exist as a person AND that there was unacceptable behavior towards me.
IMHO resentment is just another feeling, to be acknowledged and processed, another step towards healing. I feel at least in my life, that I have beat myself up enough already, to continue labeling my feelings as inappropriate. They just are... sitting with them and going "Yup, I feel X and Y big time" ceases the struggle... and then I can decide what to do about the feeling (there are many tools).. but from a place of self acceptance, not from a place of inadequacy and of running away from uncomfortable feelings...
Work in progress and I am most certainly NOT healed, but some self compassion has gone a long way for me. That and MMA training...
Yesterday the teacher said my way of tackling -not sure if this is the right word-, and making the opponent fall to the floor and into a submissive posture, looked "natural" from me. LOL. Yes, my best move came when I remembered XABF
You are not alone........
I feel that as someone with huge codie traits (I don't like to say "I am a codie" because I know I am more than my toxic behaviors), it is a HUGE step forward to resent something.
I recall that for decades I thought I held no resentments and in reality I was just a doormat. I could not resent anything because I thought I was sub human or second class or trash or non-existant and certainly unworthy of anything good. Resentment now, means that FINALLY, I realize I exist as a person AND that there was unacceptable behavior towards me.
IMHO resentment is just another feeling, to be acknowledged and processed, another step towards healing. I feel at least in my life, that I have beat myself up enough already, to continue labeling my feelings as inappropriate. They just are... sitting with them and going "Yup, I feel X and Y big time" ceases the struggle... and then I can decide what to do about the feeling (there are many tools).. but from a place of self acceptance, not from a place of inadequacy and of running away from uncomfortable feelings...
Work in progress and I am most certainly NOT healed, but some self compassion has gone a long way for me. That and MMA training...
Yesterday the teacher said my way of tackling -not sure if this is the right word-, and making the opponent fall to the floor and into a submissive posture, looked "natural" from me. LOL. Yes, my best move came when I remembered XABF
You are not alone........
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
