Always Close the Door.

Old 01-29-2013, 04:46 PM
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Always Close the Door.

Last Friday the 25th of January, my beautiful 95 year old neighbor died. Seems she got out bed in the middle of the night, to go to the bathroom. Apparently she fell, sustained internal injuries and bled to death. Her 50 year old son lived with her. ( 50 year old son is a drunken fool)

Well this morning, I wake up, look out the window and the ambulance and police cars have returned. Come to find out, 50 year old son died. They are thinking he had a heart attack, (he was recently diagnosed with an enlarged heart) and told to stop drinking .

Bee, as we called her, took care of him, loved, nurtured, and enabled. What a sad time for the remaining family members.

This whole situation has put me in a sad place.

I come home from work and did not pull in the garage, as I was only home to change my shoes and leave again. Guess I did not close the kitchen door behind me, as i was in a hurry. I hear this voice and it says " Hey, feeling up to happy hour with an old friend ? "

XA standing in my kitchen, AND drunk on his ass. I could smell him 15 feet across the room. AND it's only 4:45 p.m. I had all I could do to hold it together. I truly wanted to knock him on his ass , and hope hitting his head on the tile would knock some sense into him..........

The overwhelming sadness of the past week, and seeing him hammered so early in the day has made me so very angry, and very sad........ I looked him dead in the eye, I can see his hurt, his pain, his suffering, YET he will not do a damn thing to help himself. He comments about the neighbor guys death, and I just blurt out, " My God, You are next, get some help"

That huge lump reappeared in my throat today. The one that doesn't allow you to swallow or breathe......... and leaves you with a choking sensation. I hate that kind!

As I am walking to my car, I swear, I hear him calling me those familiar nasty names. I did not stop, I did not acknowledge, I had to get the hell away.

So here I sit, trying to figure out what the lesson in this, could possibly be? I have zero desire to be near him. I have moved on, yet my heart hurts for him. I will never forget the hopeless, shattered look in his eyes.......... I guess just another affirmation of how truly consuming addiction is....

I have got to go find a distraction........ thanks for listening......
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Old 01-29-2013, 05:05 PM
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Ugh, what a sucky day you've had.

Maybe no lesson. Except maybe to appreciate that you don't have to live with it every day anymore.

I know what you mean, I got that same lump in my throat when I heard my second husband's voice on the phone years after we had both moved on. He was drunk (he only ever called if he was drunk, and if he's like he used to be he's never sober). I don't want to talk to him, don't want to engage with him in any way, but I still hurt for him. I'm glad I don't have to live with it now.
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Old 01-29-2013, 05:06 PM
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I'm sorry about the loss of your neighbor and the sad toll alcohol has taken on her son and your X. I hope your spirit lifts soon.
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Old 01-29-2013, 05:13 PM
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So sorry, Marie. I recognize that lump...sometimes I still get one, too.

Prayers and hugs,
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Old 01-29-2013, 05:17 PM
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Dear marie, last week I buried my 92yr. old mother---after sitting with her around the clock for days in hospice. My only remaining sister has been unbelieveably horrible to me for several months--worse while mom was so sick. (neither were addicts).

Oh marie, I sooo know that lump you describe--where you can't swallow or breathe! I have had it for days. I have also had it when I think of the pain that the alcoholics in my life have brought--and continue to do to themselves.

The pain is sometimes so bad that I cannot wrap my brain around it---I think "How could this happen in my life???"

Dear marie---I think we are going through grief reactions. Sometimes it feels as though it will swallow one up.

I have been using every tool that I have learned in alanon (and AA circles). I tell myself about every hour---"Let go and let God". Then I recite the serenity prayer. Then I tell myself to live in the present. I am trying so hard to hang on to my faith.

I so identify with what you are feeling, right now! marie, you are not alone. I pray for you and for me that this horribleness will pass.

You are very much in my thoughts tonight.

Perhaps others will have some comforting thoughts for the both of us tonight.

Your friend, dandylion
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Old 01-29-2013, 05:29 PM
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How sad. Truly sad.

I just wanna give you both a hug. I can understand your sadness, it is hard to see life wasted, when it seems the answer is so simple-stop drinking.
i hate alcohol.
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Old 01-29-2013, 05:32 PM
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Oh Marie, that must have been so hard. My mother in law had a heart attack and was found dead in her home last week. She was an alcoholic, also a product of an alcoholic upbringing and she lived a sad, resentful life. I'm so sorry for your neighbor's as their story is so sad.

I think there are times when we can't always have an answer. That lump in the throat is something that always brings me to my knees. It reminds me that I have to turn it over to my Higher Power. I know I want the answers and I want them now. Praying for you and lifting you up today as you search your heart and take some time for you.
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Old 01-29-2013, 06:23 PM
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Hugs all around on this thread today, I think. Thinking of all of you, and sending strength and courage.
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Old 01-29-2013, 06:54 PM
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Thank you, guys. There is comfort in knowing that others can understand the pain.

Very sincerely, dandylion
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Old 01-29-2013, 07:53 PM
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Oh Marie,
The sadness in your post is palpable. I'm so sorry. I agree that sometimes there are no answers. But I found a message, or some meaning that resonated, in your story. The message that spoke to me is that even when we feel deep, painful and justified anger we are still capable of caring and feeling compassion - even for the one who is the source of anger.
I never want to be so angry that I lose those other emotions that I value so much more.
I know that lump too. It hurts.
Sending hugs,
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Old 01-29-2013, 09:04 PM
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You handled that better than I'm sure I would have.
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Old 01-30-2013, 02:39 AM
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I'm so sorry...I really do hate this disease.
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:54 AM
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I am so sorry. Addiction is just so sad sometimes. No matter how hard we work on 'us'...working on 'our' recovery...working to find a better and healthier life...we always carry the sadness that our loved one continues to suffer from this wretched disease.

I share in your grief. I really do. Just make sure you don't get stuck in it. Our loved ones have their own higher power. Let's say a prayer for them and turn them over to their Higher Power's care this morning. God's got a plan. Don't forget that!!

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Old 01-30-2013, 05:07 AM
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Too much sadness. Hugs coming your way,

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Old 01-30-2013, 06:21 AM
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I'm so sorry. I have very dear older people in my life and it will break my heart to lose them.

Your post brought double tears to my eyes because I am afraid I will see my husband "dead in the eyes" some time in the future, in denial of what he is dong to himself, still angrily blaming me. I hurt for him now, and I would hurt for him then. It's strange to be so alienated and so attached at the same time.

Blessings for you and your XA and your poor dear neighbor. May she rest in peace.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:15 AM
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prayers of comfort and peace for all hurting from this horrid disease and the loss of loved ones

gentle healing pink hugs
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Old 01-31-2013, 08:44 AM
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Thank you all for your very kind words. All of your support continues to inspire and lift me up.

I had not seen or spoken to XA in almost 19 months. The instant return of all those overpowering emotions and feelings really threw me for a loop. Detach with love, means different things to different people. My "out of sight, out of mind" mentality is a band-aid, and as with any wound, requires daily care.

My two weeks of the grandkids begins today. And somebody is turning 5 this weekend. And as she so simply stated, "turning 5 is a very big deal gram, we should have cake, and ice cream, And balloons , that's all I want" I do believe a 5 year may be showing me the way here........... I have to keep it real simple for now. ((((((hugs ))))))
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Old 01-31-2013, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
My two weeks of the grandkids begins today. And somebody is turning 5 this weekend. And as she so simply stated, "turning 5 is a very big deal gram, we should have cake, and ice cream, And balloons , that's all I want" I do believe a 5 year may be showing me the way here........... I have to keep it real simple for now. ((((((hugs ))))))
Oh, that is so sweet & beautiful, & yes... 5 is a very big deal! Enjoy your time together!!
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