AW found this forum....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 15
AW found this forum....
Hello, thanks for taking the time to read this
Getting right to the point, my AW found out that I visit this forum. She found it in the history on my new phone lol. Anyway she asked if it was because of her that I come here and I said yes. She got all pissy and went into the bedroom for a bit. Not to drink, just to be mad. She apologized later, asked me a few more questions about it, I answered her honestly, she got mad again but realized on her own that she's the reason why I searched this place out. Funny thing is, it has less to do with her now, than with my own (codie) issues.
This time was different because she was sober when we talked. I think her browsing this forum and knowing that the problem is bad enough that _I_ (being Mr. Handles Everything with a Smile) need to be here kind of opened her eyes a little. I told her to have a look at the other side of the forum if she wants, because its amazing how a little knowledge that other people do have the same issues can help.
I don't know if this will truly change anything, I have no expectations, but I felt like I got thru just a little and it was more than I've gotten out of this kind of conversation in....ever.
So I wonder, how many of you have had your A find this site, and how did it end up?
Getting right to the point, my AW found out that I visit this forum. She found it in the history on my new phone lol. Anyway she asked if it was because of her that I come here and I said yes. She got all pissy and went into the bedroom for a bit. Not to drink, just to be mad. She apologized later, asked me a few more questions about it, I answered her honestly, she got mad again but realized on her own that she's the reason why I searched this place out. Funny thing is, it has less to do with her now, than with my own (codie) issues.
This time was different because she was sober when we talked. I think her browsing this forum and knowing that the problem is bad enough that _I_ (being Mr. Handles Everything with a Smile) need to be here kind of opened her eyes a little. I told her to have a look at the other side of the forum if she wants, because its amazing how a little knowledge that other people do have the same issues can help.
I don't know if this will truly change anything, I have no expectations, but I felt like I got thru just a little and it was more than I've gotten out of this kind of conversation in....ever.
So I wonder, how many of you have had your A find this site, and how did it end up?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
I have thought about showing my partner this forum and the one for alcoholics to give him some insight into how others in his position and my position feel... but I'm too afraid to. I'm not sure why. I really think it would help him as we live in a pretty remote place so there aren't many people to talk to about this. I know it has helped me, but I think he can't quite relate to other alcoholics yet. The alcoholics he knows are so much more far gone than he was.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
My dh and I are both on SR (we are both AA and Alanon). We find it an invaluable resource. I don't stalk him. Not my job (anymore, lol). I stick to my story and ESH. I don't care if he reads it or not. Maybe he'll get something out of it. If I read a thread where he has posted, maybe I'll learn something.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
My AW is in too much denial to understand why I would even think of being here.
With her alcoholism, and being an ACoA, and having some PTSD - there would be all sorts of resources here for her. But, first she has to admit there is a problem, and that has not yet happened.
I'm taking care of getting me better, it's up to her to get herself better. And trust me, she knows how to use the internet, she'll find this place if she really wants to.
With her alcoholism, and being an ACoA, and having some PTSD - there would be all sorts of resources here for her. But, first she has to admit there is a problem, and that has not yet happened.
I'm taking care of getting me better, it's up to her to get herself better. And trust me, she knows how to use the internet, she'll find this place if she really wants to.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I told my AH about this site and that it's been invaluable to me. At first he didn't seem to care, then he's dropped some clues that he's been reading my social media accounts, possibly SR included. This kind of changed things for me.
On the one hand I want him to experience and embrace recovery by any means possible. On the other hand, I want my space to be mine, free of his prying or influence. Like mfanch says, there has to be some boundaries or it loses its ability to be a resource.
On the one hand I want him to experience and embrace recovery by any means possible. On the other hand, I want my space to be mine, free of his prying or influence. Like mfanch says, there has to be some boundaries or it loses its ability to be a resource.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 15
Thanks for the responses. Seems to depend where in the recovery process (both us and our A's), how they react (or would react). I wouldn't let my AW ready my posts, not yet anyway, I don't think either of us are there. I've actually tried before to leave it up in the history of our computer, passively trying to get her here. But I was shocked when she blurted it out while looking at my phone, I didn't know how to respond right away.
I don't know where things go from here, but I'm still going to keep working on myself, detach as best I can and hope she finds something that helps.
I don't know where things go from here, but I'm still going to keep working on myself, detach as best I can and hope she finds something that helps.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I have told RAH of this place. I needed it n it's why I sought it out. I would recall stories I read from the alcohol forums to him. He certainly won't look this place up. As long as he stays sober and has a plan in place for himself which is currently working, I'm okay with it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
RAH knows I visit a sobriety forum/website for support but I doubt he remembers it by name or would necessarily seek it out. I've suggested to him at times that he might benefit from reading some of the posts in the Alcoholics forum but I doubt he's taken the time to. If he did, more power to him. I do share some of the things I learn/read here when I find them relevant.
I think he just gets more out of meetings & feels accountable when he has to make the effort to get up & physically go. He also spends hours talking with his sponsor before & after.
I think he just gets more out of meetings & feels accountable when he has to make the effort to get up & physically go. He also spends hours talking with his sponsor before & after.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
It didn't go well when Poh came here once. She got very angry about things others had said and didn't think I had fairly stated her side. I basically said to go focus on her recovery and leave me to handle my own. It was a boundary issue - like reading a diary - she hasn't come back.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
My ex found it awhile back and stalked me on it to see everything I was saying. It didn't end up well.
Originally Posted by 5yearItch 
Hello, thanks for taking the time to read this
Getting right to the point, my AW found out that I visit this forum. She found it in the history on my new phone lol. Anyway she asked if it was because of her that I come here and I said yes. She got all pissy and went into the bedroom for a bit. Not to drink, just to be mad. She apologized later, asked me a few more questions about it, I answered her honestly, she got mad again but realized on her own that she's the reason why I searched this place out. Funny thing is, it has less to do with her now, than with my own (codie) issues.
This time was different because she was sober when we talked. I think her browsing this forum and knowing that the problem is bad enough that _I_ (being Mr. Handles Everything with a Smile) need to be here kind of opened her eyes a little. I told her to have a look at the other side of the forum if she wants, because its amazing how a little knowledge that other people do have the same issues can help.
I don't know if this will truly change anything, I have no expectations, but I felt like I got thru just a little and it was more than I've gotten out of this kind of conversation in....ever.
So I wonder, how many of you have had your A find this site, and how did it end up?
Getting right to the point, my AW found out that I visit this forum. She found it in the history on my new phone lol. Anyway she asked if it was because of her that I come here and I said yes. She got all pissy and went into the bedroom for a bit. Not to drink, just to be mad. She apologized later, asked me a few more questions about it, I answered her honestly, she got mad again but realized on her own that she's the reason why I searched this place out. Funny thing is, it has less to do with her now, than with my own (codie) issues.
This time was different because she was sober when we talked. I think her browsing this forum and knowing that the problem is bad enough that _I_ (being Mr. Handles Everything with a Smile) need to be here kind of opened her eyes a little. I told her to have a look at the other side of the forum if she wants, because its amazing how a little knowledge that other people do have the same issues can help.
I don't know if this will truly change anything, I have no expectations, but I felt like I got thru just a little and it was more than I've gotten out of this kind of conversation in....ever.
So I wonder, how many of you have had your A find this site, and how did it end up?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by Earthworm
My ex found it awhile back and stalked me on it to see everything I was saying. It didn't end up well.
I suspect it is because he always remembers situations to be vastly different to what I do, and is having a hard time coming to terms with some of the awful things he did.
Pretty sure this might be a universal thing for people like us.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I had to change all my identity and come back new. He used it all against one way or the other.
Originally Posted by Audrey1
I think my partner would not take to kindly to the things I have said on this forum either, which is probably why I haven't told him about it.
I suspect it is because he always remembers situations to be vastly different to what I do, and is having a hard time coming to terms with some of the awful things he did.
Pretty sure this might be a universal thing for people like us.
I suspect it is because he always remembers situations to be vastly different to what I do, and is having a hard time coming to terms with some of the awful things he did.
Pretty sure this might be a universal thing for people like us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
i have not told RAH and won't. He also doesn't know I attend Al Anon. I feel like if he were perusing the site I would not be as open - its better for me to work on my codie habits without input from him.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
I don't want to moderate what I say or hold back from expressing a concern or whatever. If Poh were reading I'd write differently.
I think we need our own place to hang out and speak openly.... it might seem fine when things are 'good' but not when they aren't.
If I had it to do over I would probably have kept it to myself but that's hard - we have 100% transparency of accounts nad passwords and devices. I have learned that when ou go snooping you are likely to wish you had not. Poh has written things before when pised off that if I took as her true feelings I would have a real problem.
LOL, I got pissed off when she got indignant about things said here and told her if she did it again then don't get mad at me about what you read. I don't monitor what is said between her and her AA girlfriends or sponsor and it would be unhealthy to do so.
...plus, with time she's realized that the tone here can be so ...less than sympathetic to alcoholics that it's more likely to make me want to defend her than lump her in with the horror stories.
Audrey - if he comes on here, where do you go to vent?
A thought - I'm a longtime member of another forum, business related, that has two private forums that you can only get into once you achieve a certain reputation score and are OK'd by the admin. The whole world can see the main forum, maybe 200 people the first private forum and 30 or so the second level private forum so business ideas that are still in production can be collaborated on without exposing to any outsiders, the 30 or so 'elites' all know each other face to face from our occasional retreats so there is a lot more trust.
It might be a good thought for this site - I'd actually prefer to have a 'Private" forum. When longtime posters are considering taking steps to protect themselves from an abuse situation or what not it would be nice if they could discuss it without worrying about tipping anyone off.
I think we need our own place to hang out and speak openly.... it might seem fine when things are 'good' but not when they aren't.
If I had it to do over I would probably have kept it to myself but that's hard - we have 100% transparency of accounts nad passwords and devices. I have learned that when ou go snooping you are likely to wish you had not. Poh has written things before when pised off that if I took as her true feelings I would have a real problem.
LOL, I got pissed off when she got indignant about things said here and told her if she did it again then don't get mad at me about what you read. I don't monitor what is said between her and her AA girlfriends or sponsor and it would be unhealthy to do so.
...plus, with time she's realized that the tone here can be so ...less than sympathetic to alcoholics that it's more likely to make me want to defend her than lump her in with the horror stories.
Audrey - if he comes on here, where do you go to vent?
A thought - I'm a longtime member of another forum, business related, that has two private forums that you can only get into once you achieve a certain reputation score and are OK'd by the admin. The whole world can see the main forum, maybe 200 people the first private forum and 30 or so the second level private forum so business ideas that are still in production can be collaborated on without exposing to any outsiders, the 30 or so 'elites' all know each other face to face from our occasional retreats so there is a lot more trust.
It might be a good thought for this site - I'd actually prefer to have a 'Private" forum. When longtime posters are considering taking steps to protect themselves from an abuse situation or what not it would be nice if they could discuss it without worrying about tipping anyone off.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
[QUOTE=Audrey1;3795967] I do talk about my 'friends' here with Poh as I learn things. I mentioned what you said about their not being al-anon or AA in the country where you are located and Poh said she was pretty sure she's heard that they are everywhere... wonder if one of the well traveled experts might help you find out? Perhaps it is because you are out in the country a bit but there's got to be several others out there given how you describe the drinking. I know you prefer to keep that country a mystery but perhaps you could PM one of the female mods and see if they can help you find out?
If not... maybe it's time to gather up the wives of the worst ten drunks you know there and start one. LOL, you could call it a book club if you want and there'd be no worries about meeting spaces - just go to each other's homes. Want to see men vacate a house like it's on fire? just say that ten GF's are coming over to discuss some book. Forget the house on fire analogy, we run like our ass is on fire.
Originally Posted by PohsFriend
Audrey - if he comes on here, where do you go to vent?QUOTE]
Err... good point. I guess he would pick me out immediately. Damn, I [I]knew[I] I should have chosen a white cat.
Err... good point. I guess he would pick me out immediately. Damn, I [I]knew[I] I should have chosen a white cat.
If not... maybe it's time to gather up the wives of the worst ten drunks you know there and start one. LOL, you could call it a book club if you want and there'd be no worries about meeting spaces - just go to each other's homes. Want to see men vacate a house like it's on fire? just say that ten GF's are coming over to discuss some book. Forget the house on fire analogy, we run like our ass is on fire.
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