When the AH posts weird stuff on Facebook
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I deactivated my FB account 2 months ago when my ABF went into treatment. There were people on there that I didn't want contact from and I didn't want to see his page at all. I needed to quiet all the extraneous noise in my life. Instead of "unfriending" anyone and dealing with that, I just removed myself. That way if someone tried to post a message they would see that it was ME that was off FB. If I choose to activate it again, I just log on again and it's all still there.
I have to tell you, I haven't missed it. Sure, I'm not getting all the family pictures, etc. but I'm better off. The friends/family who I love still know how to contact me. I considered getting off FB part of my own recovery.
I have to tell you, I haven't missed it. Sure, I'm not getting all the family pictures, etc. but I'm better off. The friends/family who I love still know how to contact me. I considered getting off FB part of my own recovery.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
Block him and remove the option to show your status..I think you can do that. I had to delete fb..it made me nuts! I was creeping his page..not proud of that. Anyone who knows you isn't going to believe what he says about you and if they do they probably aren't heealthy relaionships for you anyway.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
"deactivating" your account takes you off others' friend list...so it looks to them as if you've unfriended them. If you open a new account you are still going to see his stuff because you will be mutual friends with your children. "Hide" your relationship status by making it visible to only you. Then block him. That way you won't see him, nor he you, on your newsfeed or even on mutual friend posts. If you google it, you will see there are many ways to make it all more secure.
That said, I think Facebook is stupid. A little tiny bit of it goes a long way for me. Sorry just my .02
That said, I think Facebook is stupid. A little tiny bit of it goes a long way for me. Sorry just my .02
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm a social media user. FB, Twitter, Reddit, Instagram, LinkedIn -- you name it, chances are I'm on it. 
It's funny, though, how something that's so incredibly useful and helpful can be so infuriatingly stressful. I've had more addresses in my adult life than Imelda Marcos has... no, that would be exaggerating but you get the point. I've moved a lot. I have good friends in numerous states and countries. Social media lets me stay in touch with them with one-stop shopping.
HOWEVER -- Oh. My. World. The drama it creates. I mean my mother -- MY MOTHER for crying out loud (I'm 50, and I have to worry about what my MOTHER says/sees on Facebook?) -- called me and gave me a tongue lashing when I updated my FB relationship status to "in a relationship" with my new man. After asking "ARE YOU PREGNANT????"
And I agree totally that when you're in transition, it's just ONE MORE thing that'll stress you out and one more thing that you feel you have to handle correctly.
I blocked my AXH from my social media accounts an hour after leaving him. (Thank you, smart phones!) I also opened a new account from which I could spy on him (because he's vain enough to have his account wide open). It took me a while to realize that he had probably figured out I would do exactly that. Either that or he's crazy obsessed with me because I swear, every week there would be an update saying hurtful things about me.
It was difficult to let go of social media stalking him. I'm not going to lie. My excuse was that I wanted to know what state of mind he was in for the weeks he had the children. But that was only an excuse. I really wanted to keep track of him. Why, I don't know.
In your situation, I think the biggest issue isn't FB -- it's sort of a distraction right now. FB is sort of showing you that there are other things (talking to the kids for example) that are more important and urgent.
I'd hide the dude from my newsfeed for now and call it good.
It's funny, though, how something that's so incredibly useful and helpful can be so infuriatingly stressful. I've had more addresses in my adult life than Imelda Marcos has... no, that would be exaggerating but you get the point. I've moved a lot. I have good friends in numerous states and countries. Social media lets me stay in touch with them with one-stop shopping.
HOWEVER -- Oh. My. World. The drama it creates. I mean my mother -- MY MOTHER for crying out loud (I'm 50, and I have to worry about what my MOTHER says/sees on Facebook?
) -- called me and gave me a tongue lashing when I updated my FB relationship status to "in a relationship" with my new man. After asking "ARE YOU PREGNANT????" And I agree totally that when you're in transition, it's just ONE MORE thing that'll stress you out and one more thing that you feel you have to handle correctly.
I blocked my AXH from my social media accounts an hour after leaving him. (Thank you, smart phones!) I also opened a new account from which I could spy on him (because he's vain enough to have his account wide open). It took me a while to realize that he had probably figured out I would do exactly that. Either that or he's crazy obsessed with me because I swear, every week there would be an update saying hurtful things about me.
It was difficult to let go of social media stalking him. I'm not going to lie. My excuse was that I wanted to know what state of mind he was in for the weeks he had the children. But that was only an excuse. I really wanted to keep track of him. Why, I don't know.
In your situation, I think the biggest issue isn't FB -- it's sort of a distraction right now. FB is sort of showing you that there are other things (talking to the kids for example) that are more important and urgent.
I'd hide the dude from my newsfeed for now and call it good.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I think blocking and Facebook status are unrelated so you can block him and still be married. You can also remove relationship status as well as hide those changes from newsfeed.
Creating a new account is an option but a pain in the ass and sends just a big a statement as any other choice.
I like Facebook so I would not personally deactivate but to be honest, I've never experienced any FBI drama so easy for me to say that!
Creating a new account is an option but a pain in the ass and sends just a big a statement as any other choice.
I like Facebook so I would not personally deactivate but to be honest, I've never experienced any FBI drama so easy for me to say that!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng 
I have 2 children on FB. Some of their friends are my friends. If I block AH and my relationship status goes from married to not, I would want to talk directly to my children about separation/divorce before they learn about this from a kid in middle school.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I agree with taking. When I gave up trying to keep secrets my life improved hugely. I no longer had to cover for her, feel guilty when people got angry with her and I couldn't come up with some excuse to smooth it over and I no longer felt like a liar and a hypocrite when I was telling things to people I loved that we all new weren't true.
Your friend,
Your friend,
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Guys,
Before you say this is easy could you say whether or not you've been thru it? When I went thru it we had over 300 friends in common including plenty of mutual professional contacts, friends of dd.. In my case it caused real damage. If there is a divorce in progress I would strongly recommend adding a specific prohibition against either party referencing the other, the others bf/GF/spouse (think ahead) directly or indirectly or posting any pictures if the other etcetera without permission. Social media is something that unfortunately is a permanent part if your identity.
Pip - think this thru as you are doing carefully. Doing nothing until you figure out the solution is best. Take a screenshot of anything he posts negative immediately and have a mutual friend ensure that he's not doing it and just blocking you from seeing it. Get anything questionable in your timeline cleaned up now, before you mention anything to him.
Simple and easy ain't the same thing. There's lots of solutions we discuss that are simple but not ewsy, this one Is easy not simple.
Before you say this is easy could you say whether or not you've been thru it? When I went thru it we had over 300 friends in common including plenty of mutual professional contacts, friends of dd.. In my case it caused real damage. If there is a divorce in progress I would strongly recommend adding a specific prohibition against either party referencing the other, the others bf/GF/spouse (think ahead) directly or indirectly or posting any pictures if the other etcetera without permission. Social media is something that unfortunately is a permanent part if your identity.
Pip - think this thru as you are doing carefully. Doing nothing until you figure out the solution is best. Take a screenshot of anything he posts negative immediately and have a mutual friend ensure that he's not doing it and just blocking you from seeing it. Get anything questionable in your timeline cleaned up now, before you mention anything to him.
Simple and easy ain't the same thing. There's lots of solutions we discuss that are simple but not ewsy, this one Is easy not simple.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Maybe I am a complete dumbo - or maybe I am so sleep deprived I just can't comprehend - but why are you so upset about ......
" this is not a confrontation, just a comparison of heights".
Don't know you - as an outsider I don't see what you see.
have read most of your posts - I get your situation.
Perhaps its one of those things that you just have to see to understand. If I were preparing for divorce I would never unfriend my opponent. Uh, no.."The Art of War" by Zun Tzu - read it..... Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Advice from a former lawyer and FREE! Step back. Let him choke himself certainly don't step in and stop him from doing so.
(((hugs))) and best to you.
" this is not a confrontation, just a comparison of heights".
Don't know you - as an outsider I don't see what you see.
have read most of your posts - I get your situation.
Perhaps its one of those things that you just have to see to understand. If I were preparing for divorce I would never unfriend my opponent. Uh, no.."The Art of War" by Zun Tzu - read it..... Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Advice from a former lawyer and FREE! Step back. Let him choke himself certainly don't step in and stop him from doing so.
(((hugs))) and best to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Thanks everyone for your replies. Pohsfriend, yes, AH and I, and the children, share 100s of friends and simple it ain't!
Redatlanta, Yes, this is perhaps not the biggest issue! I need to ready myself to talk to the children, now that the holidays are behind us. I really must have been thinking that my AH would snap out of it and become a new person after all of this, but instead he seemed ok with staying in a hotel and only complained constantly about not being able to have an easier way to hang out with the children, when he wasn't off doing his sports on his own... But then he can otherwise do what he wants...so he didn't try too hard to resist the new formula. This shocked me on some level.
I don't know how to tell the children. Another thing that maybe is easy, "I am going to divorce your father." But I can't stand it...
The statement he wrote, "this isn't a confrontation" is troublesome because part of the way he is explaining why we aren't together is that I have gone crazy. And he portrays me as being overly confrontational with him and the older children as part of a mental disturbance. Why does he have the need to do this? Does he think he can win custody? Is it to torment me? He has tried to convince the children that I have severe depression, but it didn't work! The oldest gave it 5 minutes reflection, and then laughed at him and told him to knock it off. I don't think he'll get too far with this nonsense, but it pains me nonetheless.
He doesn't want anyone to think that he has any responsibility in our marriage's demise. He considered the possibility that he is an alcoholic, and then retracted. Now he says he still goes to AA from time to time because it is interesting. And he was considering rehab because I asked him to, but decided not to go because his sponsor said it would make him look bad!
Redatlanta, Yes, this is perhaps not the biggest issue! I need to ready myself to talk to the children, now that the holidays are behind us. I really must have been thinking that my AH would snap out of it and become a new person after all of this, but instead he seemed ok with staying in a hotel and only complained constantly about not being able to have an easier way to hang out with the children, when he wasn't off doing his sports on his own... But then he can otherwise do what he wants...so he didn't try too hard to resist the new formula. This shocked me on some level.
I don't know how to tell the children. Another thing that maybe is easy, "I am going to divorce your father." But I can't stand it...
The statement he wrote, "this isn't a confrontation" is troublesome because part of the way he is explaining why we aren't together is that I have gone crazy. And he portrays me as being overly confrontational with him and the older children as part of a mental disturbance. Why does he have the need to do this? Does he think he can win custody? Is it to torment me? He has tried to convince the children that I have severe depression, but it didn't work! The oldest gave it 5 minutes reflection, and then laughed at him and told him to knock it off. I don't think he'll get too far with this nonsense, but it pains me nonetheless.
He doesn't want anyone to think that he has any responsibility in our marriage's demise. He considered the possibility that he is an alcoholic, and then retracted. Now he says he still goes to AA from time to time because it is interesting. And he was considering rehab because I asked him to, but decided not to go because his sponsor said it would make him look bad!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
You need a micro tape recorder and patience. Trying to make you out as a nut will only work if you let him get you flustered. Calm, serene, logical, pleasant
Document & record.
Judges aren't dumb.
Defense attorneys represent the worst people on their best behavior, divorce attorneys the reverse.
Document & record.
Judges aren't dumb.
Defense attorneys represent the worst people on their best behavior, divorce attorneys the reverse.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Pippi, what I have figured out is that my aw is the way she is because that is her nature.
A good Buddhist story explains this rather well. A fox was swimming across a river whe it found a scorpion stranded in the middle of a river on a small rock. The fox offered to carry the scorpion to the other side if it promised not to sting him.
Of course the scorpion promised not to sting him. Half way to the other river bank the scorpion stung the fox. The fox asked the scorpion why did you do that, now we we will both drown.
The scorpions only reply was, I am a scorpion, that's what I do. It's my nature.
Your friend,
A good Buddhist story explains this rather well. A fox was swimming across a river whe it found a scorpion stranded in the middle of a river on a small rock. The fox offered to carry the scorpion to the other side if it promised not to sting him.
Of course the scorpion promised not to sting him. Half way to the other river bank the scorpion stung the fox. The fox asked the scorpion why did you do that, now we we will both drown.
The scorpions only reply was, I am a scorpion, that's what I do. It's my nature.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
It's just a classic tactic and I have seen it go both ways - women labeled crazy and men labeled abusive when its NOT TRUE.
Remember it doesn't matter what you think/say/believe/know in court, it only matters what you can prove.
Remember it doesn't matter what you think/say/believe/know in court, it only matters what you can prove.
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