Hopeworks

Hi Fighting for Us,

Just wanted to comment on her AA involvement. AA is a self motivated support network and there are no AA police forcing compliance on what are "suggestions".

There are also different levels of involvement in AA with meeting attendance being the most common. I tell people that is just geography and a butt in a seat just like some folks attend church but don't pay a lot of attention to the sermon. Jesus called them "hearers only".

Then there is the more serious AA member. They get a sponsor and accountability to someone to lead them through the program that is the steps. The steps are the core of authentic recovery and deal with selfishness and other character defects with a program of action.

When they are in a program of action you see the "action" and see the results of those actions... in actual changes in behavior. Especially after they reach the later steps and the program clicks to the third level... giving back to others what you have found = unselfishness in action.

It is a well known "suggestion" that AA members refrain from getting enmeshed with any new relationships in their first year... I would say double down to the tenth degree for a married person with a small child!

Obviously not working the "right program" at this time...

So... whats next?

Boundaries. For you.

Authentic programs for both of you... maybe good sponsors. AA for her and Alanon for you. Work your programs seperately. Find a great marriage counselor. Counsel seperately until the counselor says that you are ready to counsel together.

More will be revealed. Time tells all. But if you both get healthy emotionally and she gets authentically recovered and unwinds some of her selfishness there is a chance you can put the marriage back together again. It will be a long road with a lot of work but if both are willing it can happen!

Ive seen it happen!

But... if it fails. If it is too far gone... you now you tried and both of you will be better people for the work done and better equipped to parent your precious child as divorced parents.

mytime66

Go slowly my friend. The smog creates impulsive reactions. Keep everything on the table. Good luck. I to am in this situation.

Hopeworks

And Fightingforus,

One more thing. I was not suggesting reconcilation or moving back in together. It might be better to move on parallel tracks of recovery with individual counseling to see where things are going before trying to live together again.

Thats just me. Finding our own peace and serenity and creating new boundaries with the help of a counselor will be a good thing. You will "know" when and if you should move to a new commitment under the same roof... especially if you have good addictions/marriage counselors assisting you with the relationship.

fightingforus

Great insight and am not rushing anything. Thanks for you words and input!

EnglishGarden

I agree with the above, that the addiction and codependency creates impulsive reactions. With my former AH, there was always "rubberbanding"--the alcoholic threatens to leave (or does leave) then the next day has flipped to the opposite emotion: "can't live without you." And as in all alcoholic marriages, the alcoholic acts and the spouse reacts. The alcoholic accuses the spouse of being controlling but in fact it is the alcoholic who is the dominator. Five months sitting in AA does not erase this dynamic. It takes much longer than that for the alcoholic to become a sane and reasonable person again. And if the alcoholic is not really done with the drinking, the alcoholic, consciously or unconsciously, doesn't really care if the marriage dies. Anything standing in the way of more drinking is considered the enemy, and that includes most of all the spouse. So the alcoholic rants and threatens and walks out, comes back, walks out, criticizes, resents, and has a false sense of power in all this because the alcoholic actually doesn't care if the spouse walks away for good--if the alcoholic is not done with the drinking. With nothing really to lose, the alcoholic does whatever the alcoholic wants. And the spouse runs around trying this and that to try to please someone who will never be pleased, if another drunk is around the corner.

So get yourself a good counselor and an Al-Anon group for some sanity. Doing so will make you less of a re-actor and will help you find your core and your principles and the ability to stick to them.

It is very common for the alcoholic who has just puffed up and threatened and walked out to turn around and come back if there isn't anyone else to attach to. And nothing smooths the way back into the house better than promises to go to marriage counseling.

This is often the disease manipulating a comfortable drinking environment again. So be careful.

I personally agree with those who think working on the marriage should follow--not precede-- a several-month intense individual recovery program for both alcoholic and codependent which includes weekly counseling, weekly 12 Step meetings (for the alcoholic once a week is not a rigorous program, and 3-4 meetings a week in early recovery is often recommended), and if there is high volatility and frequent emotional outbursts in the home where there are children present, then separate living arrangements for those several months.

Do not underestimate the power of alcoholism. Do not think you will outmaneuver it. Get support, for your wife will be an alcoholic for the rest of her life, sober or active. Your child will always have an alcoholic mother, recovering or not. So it is best to get busy getting help from alcoholism professionals right away.

fightingforus

Good day today. We had a meaningful conversation this morning which was a two way conversation finally. We were finally able to discuss our relationship a bit and she was able to share her feelings finally! We have a long way back to creating a foundation but its a start. Better than I thought i was going to see on Monday. May god continue to give us both the strength and ability to move forward together.

fightingforus

Today was a good day. I have been at our councilors office two days straight and he had some fantastic insight and advice. He had me develop boundaries of what was acceptable behavior to me. Once crossed you need to react which is what occurred last night. We had a the first truly honest conversation I years (maybe ever) from each of our point of views. We both feel as if a large animal has been lifted. We spoke again on the phone around lunch and it was again honest and productive. I invited her back to the house so she could play with our daughter and give her the typical bedtime snuggle. We agreed that she should stay at the hotel again tonight. We plan to meet for lunch tomorrow. Baby steps... One day at a time!

thislonelygirl

Eek!
In my opinion the emotional affair that was found is hinders her ability to fix anything.
How can you look inwards when you look out? Just a thought.
You could always try the 40 days dare book inspired by fireproof.
Hoping things heal for you no matterbthe outcome

NYCDoglvr

That's because alcoholics go to great lengths to hang on to their enabler. It's harder to get drunk if you're forced to take some of the responsibility for life.