Wife sober for 5 months now wants separation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 13
Wife sober for 5 months now wants separation
My wife's father drank himself to death 8 years ago so she obviously comes from an alcoholic family. We have been together 16 years and married for 10.5. We have a beautiful 4.5 year old daughter. The story goes... We got married when we were 24 years old. Both having new careers we spent much of our time focusing on our professional life opposed to our marriage putting strain on our marriage shortly into our married life. We both took each other for granted. After 5 years we separated for 3 months and reconciled shortly their giving birth to our baby girl. Our marriage had issues with intimacy and emotional connection. We were both social drinkers, heavy at times, but my wife began questioning if her legacy of alcholism had been passed along to her. She began questioning her drinking habits and eventually went to an AA meeting about 4 years ago. She fought it, didn't work the steps, wasn't responsive to her sponsor... She had not desired sobriety. Our relationship continued along with drinking and much discussion about her desire to quit. After two more attempts my wife's low occurred. She got a DUI and blew a .22. She was mortified and after the smog lifted got back into the program. She has embraced it which is a wonderful thing to witness. She has really committed to the spiritual side of the program and feels that her will to drink has been lifted. As the codependent I didn't not want to force the relationship issues of during the early recovery period. I wated until she sat me down and said we have some issues to deal with here after 5 months of sobriety. I concurred and was excited that we were going to have clear heads to deal with our broken relationship. We attended 2 marriage counseling meetings and she took the position that if our intimacy and emotional problems didn't get resolved she wanted a divorce. I knew we were getting close to this point but wasn't aware her feelings were to this point already. Then I come to find out that prior to our marriage counseling meetings she began an emotional affair with another AA member. She lied about her whereabouts and she was caught red handed in the lie this past Friday. Needlesstosay my New Years celebration wasn't pleasant. I handled the situation like a gentleman and actually blamed myself for her going outside the relationship. She informed that she decided 2 years ago that she was done and that she wanted to become sober prior to informing me of the situation. I'm am devastated. While I know our marriage was severely broken, this was a huge slap in the face. She has no interest in pursuing the AA member that she was involved with, so she claims (I do believe her). I am a broken man. I haven't eaten in four days, can't sleep, and the only thing I want to do is talk thinks through. I know she needs space but this infidelity issue has me terrified. I brought my fair of issues to the relationship but how can a practicing alcholic determine that they are done with a relationship, become sober and in 5 months kick a 16 year relationship to curb? I want to reconcile. I want HER to be my wife and I don't want to raise a kid in a divorced relationship. Thoughts, insight, prayers.... PLEASE let my wife see the full picture
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad you are here reaching out for support, but sad to learn the reason why. This is a wonderful place of support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Some of our stories are printed in the Sticky Posts at the top of this main forum page (they have a padlock symbol in the left side column). The Sticky Posts contain a wealth of wisdom based on members personal experiences.
Since your wife began her AA meetings, did you attend any of the 12 step meetings for family & friends of alcoholics? They are called Al Anon groups. I found the face-to-face support helpful for knowing I wasn't alone, for the list of phone numbers of members who were willing to talk when I needed someone to listen, and for all the information they had to share with me.
I also find spending time here helpful as this website is available 24/7.
One of the first things I learned when I arrived here was the 3 C's of my husband's alcoholism. They are:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
That goes for all the *ism's* of alcoholism that remain after the alcoholic has stopped drinking. It took me a while to wrap my head around that concept because I was certain our love would motivate him to change.
It turns out the only adult I had control over was myself.
Stick around, we care about you and we are here to help!
I'm glad you are here reaching out for support, but sad to learn the reason why. This is a wonderful place of support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Some of our stories are printed in the Sticky Posts at the top of this main forum page (they have a padlock symbol in the left side column). The Sticky Posts contain a wealth of wisdom based on members personal experiences.
Since your wife began her AA meetings, did you attend any of the 12 step meetings for family & friends of alcoholics? They are called Al Anon groups. I found the face-to-face support helpful for knowing I wasn't alone, for the list of phone numbers of members who were willing to talk when I needed someone to listen, and for all the information they had to share with me.
I also find spending time here helpful as this website is available 24/7.
One of the first things I learned when I arrived here was the 3 C's of my husband's alcoholism. They are:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
That goes for all the *ism's* of alcoholism that remain after the alcoholic has stopped drinking. It took me a while to wrap my head around that concept because I was certain our love would motivate him to change.
It turns out the only adult I had control over was myself.
Stick around, we care about you and we are here to help!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
It was my husband's affair that finally got me dealing with his problem drinking. You are in a tough spot right now, and my heart hurts for you.
Both the affair and the alcohol use made me pretty nuts.
What kind of support do you have just for you? Though marriage counseling was helpful to me it was about our relationship....not about me. My individual therapist has been really helpful during this time.
Al-Anon (for friends and family members of alcoholics) has helped me to heal with the alcohol use, but surprisingly has helped me to deal with the affair too. It gave me a set of tools, especially detachment and boundaries that has been invaluable.
Also I did a lot of reading on both addiction and affairs (when you are ready). One of the hardest lessons for me during this time was that to protect both the alcohol and the affair many loved ones are less than truthful.
Welcome, though I am sorry for what brought you here.
Both the affair and the alcohol use made me pretty nuts.
What kind of support do you have just for you? Though marriage counseling was helpful to me it was about our relationship....not about me. My individual therapist has been really helpful during this time.
Al-Anon (for friends and family members of alcoholics) has helped me to heal with the alcohol use, but surprisingly has helped me to deal with the affair too. It gave me a set of tools, especially detachment and boundaries that has been invaluable.
Also I did a lot of reading on both addiction and affairs (when you are ready). One of the hardest lessons for me during this time was that to protect both the alcohol and the affair many loved ones are less than truthful.
Welcome, though I am sorry for what brought you here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 13
Thx for the quick response. I feel like I have read this entire website twice. I finally got the ability to take a drive this evening but can't stomach the thought of going in public. I know I should make it to an alanon meeting but can't get up the courage or energy. I'm going to see our marriage counselor solo tomorrow. Hope that helps!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
So you have done at least two things for yourself today.
Taken a drive
Found SR and took care of yourself by posting
Every little bit helps. Self-care was a huge lesson for me out of this....and that Self-Care and Selfish are NOT the same things.
Taken a drive
Found SR and took care of yourself by posting
Every little bit helps. Self-care was a huge lesson for me out of this....and that Self-Care and Selfish are NOT the same things.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 31
The first 4 times I went to group FA I spoke with my heart pounding so hard and I was broken and crying ,something I rarely show to anyone. It was the hardest thing I have done in a long time mostly I think because now everything was real. its been 2 months now and It's all a blur. I remember very little stress does that. I have seen a good counsellor too and pastors. All I can say is the support is great!Don't deprive yourself of this. Learn as much as you can and take it one day at a time. It's not your fault!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by fightingforus 
She informed that she decided 2 years ago that she was done and that she wanted to become sober prior to informing me of the situation. I'm am devastated.
I am so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. You obviously care a great deal for your wife. Try to turn some of that care inward. Be gentle with yourself. Get lots of sleep, eat healthy foods, and come back here often. Reach out to friends. I know that was the hardest thing for me to do even though so many of my friends were incredibly supportive. I am still partially stuck in my protective cocoon even a year later. But, you'll be surprised how much support and understanding you'll find among friends. Many people have had experiences with alcoholic friends or family. It's shocking really.
Anyway, the more care you take of yourself, the more your own foggy, confused thinking will lift. You need to be able to think clearly and rationally right now even if your RAW still isn't.
Gentle hugs,
Fathom
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
My prayers are with you,,I stay with my AW because I also don't want my son growing up with out his mom or dad.My AW has had quite a few affairs throughout the years and has kicked me out of my own home a few times.She thinks these guys want to make a life with her but only a few of us men will put up with the alcoholic behavior.We are called co dependant.Work on yourself for awhile.Keep reading here you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I'm sorry for what brought you here, but I'm happy you found a safe place to share that also holds tons of wisdom.
Your wife is only thinking about one person, herself. It is time that you follow her lead and focus on yourself also. Keep the focus on you and try to get healthy, emotionally and physically. Before we can even begin to work on a relationship, we need to work on ourselves first.
Your wife saying that she has known for two years that she wanted to end the marriage is extremely hurtful. I have learned on here that the saying "when someone shows you their true self, believe them" is true. Whether what she said was true, or just her way of trying to push you away, her statement still shows that she has decided to focus on herself, and that she has chosen to make herself emotionally unavailable to you.
Keep reading and posting here. Things do get better when we continue to put the work into ourselves that is necessary to get to a state of peace and happiness.
Your wife is only thinking about one person, herself. It is time that you follow her lead and focus on yourself also. Keep the focus on you and try to get healthy, emotionally and physically. Before we can even begin to work on a relationship, we need to work on ourselves first.
Your wife saying that she has known for two years that she wanted to end the marriage is extremely hurtful. I have learned on here that the saying "when someone shows you their true self, believe them" is true. Whether what she said was true, or just her way of trying to push you away, her statement still shows that she has decided to focus on herself, and that she has chosen to make herself emotionally unavailable to you.
Keep reading and posting here. Things do get better when we continue to put the work into ourselves that is necessary to get to a state of peace and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 31
Hey you younger men staying for the kids... Please think twice my 21 year old now pops everything she can like candy. Her dad my rah sober 1 year would say nothing as she started smoking pot at 14 under his watch . Drink liquor with her friends at her underage party's . By her gravel cough meds melatonin etc at any whim. Give her tastes of beer as children I hear about this now. My 21 year old believes she has a mood disorder convinced by her dad so they can take anxiety meds together . Sheesh RUN and save your little ones .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 13
Am falling into the typical "it's all my fault" because I didn't make an effort sooner to repair "us". I own the damage that I created and how I made her feel unloved... Problem was she was doing the same to me. As a typical male I want to solve this right hear and now. Ugh I hate this feeling
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 31
It's part of the insanity I too blamed myself but in reality it takes 2 . You can't change them. I hope your Pastors help you mine are good but still want us to trust god will heal.I believe god can do anything but he needs a true honest willing person to effect change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 13
At this point I trust her with my daughter. We are not fighting and are very cordial towards each other. As I said I'm truly happy she has embraced sobriety. Just wish I could be on the inside of the fold opposed to where I'm at now. I feel like AA let me down. She told me that the program discouraged opposite sex connection outside of the room. Then what does she do...!!! Of course she was going to find common ground with this guy. Both of their fathers drank them self to death, they are both RAH, and get this... The guy is divorced because his wife cheated on him 2 years ago. I'm at a loss
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Grandiosity, self-centeredness, blame-shifting, lying, and justifying: these are all traits of the active alcoholic and of alcoholics who have not worked a long-term program of recovery. It is very very common for the alcoholic to blame the spouse for the unhappiness in the marriage, as well as for every crappy day or minute of the day the alcoholic experiences. It is very very common for alcoholics who are filled with delusions and massive ego-inflation to flirt with other people, because alcoholism creates narcissistic behavior, and narcissists stalk admiration and praise.
It is very very common for the spouse of an alcoholic who has just FLIPPED personalities to be broken in two, to go days without eating, to cry for days, weeks, months, to want desperately a second chance to make things better, do things differently, to somehow win back the alcoholic who has just made some grandiose, brutal announcement and walked out the door.
Alcoholics have inflated egos. They like complete control. They resent like hell if anyone calls them to be accountable for their behavior or for their mutual responsibilities in adult relationship. They nurse grudges, and when the time is right, they puff themselves up like little gods, and they level you.
This is the disease of addiction. It destroys the self-worth and the rational thought of the spouse. It is a poison and it floods your system and takes you down, when you are the spouse without any recovery help of your own, without any information, or counseling.
Keep that counseling appointment. Read SR every day and all the "Sticky" links on the opening page. Go to an Al-Anon meeting (try a few different ones) and take home the free pamphlets, especially the pamphlet titled "Alcoholism: A Merry Go Round Called Denial." That one you will want extras of, for every coat pocket and your glove compartment.
You may not understand this today, but before 2013 is out you will: The poison in your life is the disease of addiction. And if you have the courage to seek recovery for yourself, you will come through whatever lies ahead with your dignity and your manhood intact. No matter what. Her disease will not take you. And you may even like yourself more than you ever have, before this next year is over. But you have to do your work.
You can do it.
It is very very common for the spouse of an alcoholic who has just FLIPPED personalities to be broken in two, to go days without eating, to cry for days, weeks, months, to want desperately a second chance to make things better, do things differently, to somehow win back the alcoholic who has just made some grandiose, brutal announcement and walked out the door.
Alcoholics have inflated egos. They like complete control. They resent like hell if anyone calls them to be accountable for their behavior or for their mutual responsibilities in adult relationship. They nurse grudges, and when the time is right, they puff themselves up like little gods, and they level you.
This is the disease of addiction. It destroys the self-worth and the rational thought of the spouse. It is a poison and it floods your system and takes you down, when you are the spouse without any recovery help of your own, without any information, or counseling.
Keep that counseling appointment. Read SR every day and all the "Sticky" links on the opening page. Go to an Al-Anon meeting (try a few different ones) and take home the free pamphlets, especially the pamphlet titled "Alcoholism: A Merry Go Round Called Denial." That one you will want extras of, for every coat pocket and your glove compartment.
You may not understand this today, but before 2013 is out you will: The poison in your life is the disease of addiction. And if you have the courage to seek recovery for yourself, you will come through whatever lies ahead with your dignity and your manhood intact. No matter what. Her disease will not take you. And you may even like yourself more than you ever have, before this next year is over. But you have to do your work.
You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Keep those friends close, now and throughout the months ahead. That you have reached out for help from them is a sign of maturity and courage. You have strength in you you have not yet even tapped into.
It is best she lives elsewhere for now.
And your child will adjust in a healthy manner if you seek advice from a professional about how to help her through the changes.
The next several months will be turbulent for you. But transformation always is. You will come through this, you will not stay in the hell you are presently in.
And the power the alcoholic holds over you today is going to dissolve.
Get help and listen to good advice from professionals. We are here for your support.
It is best she lives elsewhere for now.
And your child will adjust in a healthy manner if you seek advice from a professional about how to help her through the changes.
The next several months will be turbulent for you. But transformation always is. You will come through this, you will not stay in the hell you are presently in.
And the power the alcoholic holds over you today is going to dissolve.
Get help and listen to good advice from professionals. We are here for your support.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am sorry fightingforus! I hope when you are ready...you will change your name to
fightingforME!!
(Mine used to be LoveMeNot - as in he loves me now, he loves me not. Today, after working on me, I can honestly say I am loving me now!)
My prayers are with you and your family!
fightingforME!!
(Mine used to be LoveMeNot - as in he loves me now, he loves me not. Today, after working on me, I can honestly say I am loving me now!)
My prayers are with you and your family!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 13
Roller coaster continues... So after 8 hrs of asking her out of the house she sends me a text that she wants to go to a faith based marriage workshop and slow down her process. I'm cautious with this as I called her and she was level headed and then got super defensive. As the professionals I have talked to have informed me; part of the reason not to make decisions early in R is that an A doesn't have the ability to process feelings and emotion. This is how I have felt... She hasn't gone to her core support network as she knows that they will probably advise her in a manner which she doesn't want to hear. Good news- God has finally touched her to snap her out of her early R smog to realize the levity of the decision she is making. I'm cautious and guarded, but pray for her to gain strength and to give her the ability to process the emotions...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
