Said

I posted several weeks ago as a newbie, but have been reading posts on Family/Friends for a couple of days for insight, understanding. I grew up with an alcoholic father/raging mother. I lived with a verbally abusive alcoholic, pot smoker for the past 6 years. He was so kind and understanding when we first got together, and said I could move in with him when I was having trouble making ends meet, but that he "would never marry me". He instructed me that I would save money in order to get off disability which i am on for bi-polar, and said he would pay the rent and utils; i volunteered to pay the grocery bills and cook (I am a classically trained chef), take care of toiletries, pets, clothing. A few weeks after moving in, he quit his job and came home in a crying, screaming temper tantrum. He said I would need to contribute more, which I agreed to, but when I asked what he needed, I got no reply. Also got no reply when I asked how we were to divvy up chores, thanked him for letting me live there and be myself, and when we had our first disagreement he left the house in a rage, got in his car and drove away. It soon became apparent that the only subjects that were not taboo were his motorcycle, cars, drugs, and insulting other people. We spent all of our time in a dark living room with the shades drawn,(with him mostly) watching t.v. and drinking beer and smoking pot. We never did anything I wanted to do, if we did anything at all. He did not appreciate the meals I prepared (his favorite food is Taco Bell) and seemed to become more and more resentful of my presence every day. He went through a series of about 24 jobs (give or take 4 jobs a year) with a lot of unemployment, at which times he'd be almost unbearable to live with. He never got along with people at his jobs, was always "better" than everyone there, and continued to have these bawling temper tantrums about how unfair life was to him fairly regularly. These also took a great emotional toll on me, who would do my best to assure him that he was a wonderful person, with no visible result.(For my part,I held 3 jobs within the same amount of time). He began to blame most of his problems on me, and to treat me with great contempt. I pretty much began to have trouble with my depression and become deeply fearful of him and unsure of myself and abilities. I left my job and took another, which proved too stressful and I left this one. After i did this, he called me upon coming home from work 2 days later and asked me if I was at work, which I had quit. He said he would meet me at home, and had obviously been drinking with his ex girlfriend, whom he had gotten a job for upon her release from prison. She was a former stripper and presently a heroin addict. When I got home, he launched into me about how unhappy I made him, and how I had "slid off his pedestal and crashed to the ground " for quitting my job. I had also stopped smoking with him several months earlier and stopped drinking the occasional beer to improve my health.And, I should mention, started attending Al-Anon. He was ranting and raving as usual about my detractors. Something in me finally said "Goddamn it, no more of this ****" and I packed a bag and left him standing on his knees in the kitchen wining that I was his "only friend". I had checked myself into a day treatment program for depression at a local hospital and went there for a few days. When I next talked to him, he said I could come back any time. When I went to see him the next day, he told me to remember that he would never marry me, and that I was no longer his friend, but the heroin addict was now "his good friend" even though she was "taking advantage of him by borrowing money for heroin". In a matter of days, while I was in the hospital, he had moved this woman in and was sleeping with her etc. although all of the furniture in the house was mine. He told me that I was "sick" and "had no self esteem or backbone" and that he and this woman were going to have a "happy,healthy relationship". And after being destitute, he buys a new car 9 months later, and a year later marries her. And it really bothers me. I know I'm co-dependant,, or love-addicted which is what my therapist says, I just don't understand why I was not "marriage material" (too healthy at the outset?) and this trashy drug addict is. ( easier for him to control, manipulate?) I always fantasize that he's treating her well, because he married her, didn't he, he must love her and they have this wonderful relationship, and that I was really sick and not worthy. I'm trying so hard to see the truth that people tell me about this, that he chose an addict because he wanted to continue his substance abuse, and he put me down because he knows he's the loser, etc. And I am trying hard to work my Al-Anon program with a sponser and meetings every night, and I am working with a therapist on my love- and co- addictions. Maybe some of you can relate? I am also trying hard to put my life back together and to love myself and not be afraid anymore, and to trust in my friends in the program and in a Higher Power, but some days it's hard. Any comments, suggestions? Thanks for listening...

Katiekate

Wow , honey that is a lot.

Just one thing after another. :ghug3

It's not you, they are addcits, they did what addicts do.

Make stupid decisions, screw up their lives, your x justed wanted a partner to shoot with. Nohthin more, nothing less. He would have married you, if only you were a drug addcit. Simple, I know on some levels that hurts, but really, you deserved a lot more than that.

Oh, and your x, loser. Mine was a loser too.

So glad you posted, hope you stick around.

Katie xo

Keep working your program, going to counseling.

Said

Is that really all that it is...someone to do drugs with?
I guess I know this, intellectually, but I can't believe that someone would cause so much hurt to someone else just so they could keep drinking/drugging. I guess that is addiction for you. I thought I was being compassionate, but I guess I was just being used.
Why do I feel like she "won" and I "lost"?

LoveMeNow

What did she win??

Keep working on you and someday you will look back at this and shake your head!!

ZiggyB

Ah, let's see...

What about this Man are you exactly drawn to now? Verbally abusive, alcoholic pot smoker who married a heroin addict. You didn't lose anything, you were lucky to get out of this relationship.

Any man who makes you feel depressed and WORSE about yourself is not worth having in your life. I had a major nervous breakdown too after my last fight with axbf. I had to get tranquilizers and go to therapy. Too much drama for me... I want a quiet boring life.

I can definitely relate. Even though I knew this man was like poison to me the breakup was difficult and agonizing. Self love has been very important to me. I also suggest you get the books Patricia Evans has written on verbal abuse. I believe it shatters our sense of worth and leaves us feeling bad about ourselves. Whatever happened it was NOT your fault.

You deserve someone who loves and appreciates you. For now, please let that person be you...

PohsFriend

That took a lot of guts to write.

When you reread it, you can see why the first thought many of us are having is " thank god she got out".

I'm glad to hear you have a sponsor and a therapist. It suggests that you figured out that you deserve better for yourself and you are willing to work for it.

Feelings aren't rational though and its sad that you are hurting. You are on your way up, the heroin addict? I think you will feel sorry for her later.

So while your heart catches up, keep this in your head:
1. She is addicted to heroin, you are not.
2. She is subjected to abuse, you no longer are
3. She is headed downward, you are on your way up

Who won? Honey if this was a boxing match they'd have called it a TKO for you two rounds ago.

I feel pity for her, respect for you... I'm guessing we all do. Which is better?

jessiec

I second what Love Me Now says!

redatlanta

I know it doesn't make it any better but in this case I'd be thrilled......

"I wasn't marriage material"

Why her and not you.....I guess my dear, because somebody upstairs really cares about you.

Rosiepetal

I feel for you.
I had enough of my alcoholic boyfriend drinking & broken promises so I left him.
He went straight to an ex & still seeing her now, only thing is I let him back in recently & he cheated on her with me. Then he threatened to burn my house down if I told anybody.
Charming man.
Lesson learnt.
They only want someone to stop them feeling lonely & someone they can carry on their addiction with.
I'm healing now & see him for what he really is - a creep.
Hugs to you, I know it's hard.

Said

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I have a great respect and admiration for those of you who can reach out and help another human being on the mend. Many thanks.

Katiekate

We Care!

Keep posting, we are here.

dollydo

"Why do I feel like she "won" and I "lost"? "

Yes, she won the booby prize....you lost nothing.

BlueSkies1

I'm shaking my head right now. It's amazing the ways in which those of us who are vulnerable, gullible, and naiive can be manipulated. It's sooooo easy! I've been there, puppet on a string, pulled this way and that.
I had to reach deep into my childhood to find that place where I had been taught acceptable behavior, consequences of unacceptable behavior, standard of self-respect, standards...standards...standards...I guess I do have something to thank my mother for afterall.
Yeah, we have to wise up. Especially the most gullible among us. Those of us raised with an innocent gold rule type of relating to others are totally blind-sided by extreme psychological manipulation that is deeply laughable when we stand back and look at it...later...distanced by time and space from the ridiculous situation when we were taking SERIOUSLY people who laugh in the face of maturity, honesty, and fairness.

She did win. Yowsa. She won that sad excuse for a human that you were entangled with and couldn't see the forest for the trees. My gosh girl--your smarts stood up for you the day you moved out--never look back.

Said

Thank you again for each of your posts. I think I am grappling with some family of of origin issues- as I said, alcoholic father, narcissistic, rageful mother. Also grew up with epilepsy; could never do anything right, was never good enough. I didn't have any standards made available to me, and I think that this is how it's played itself out- accepting the unacceptable, et al.- in this and other relationships of the same flavor.
I find that I am experiencing some major self-loathing as a result of allowing this to happen to me, of not standing up for myself. I do have Evans' book on verbal abuse as well as Pia Melody's books on Love Addiction and Melody Beattie's books about co-dependency.
I know, I know, it's crazy to think that they are having a healthy experience and that it's really any more than two addicts using each other as the object of their addictions. Especially since this is his third marriage, and all he would say about his past two (and other relationships) were that they were "crazy". Why do I think he is treating her so much better than he did me? Is he (because they're married?) And how do you know when you are being treated as you should be, with respect and care, if they act that way in the beginning, and then change? Please continue with your invaluable posts; I am all eyes!

Shadydeal

I am sorry for your pain and I am sorry you feel this way! I understand and had a similar situation that just broken my heart! It still breaks my heart bc not only the feeling of rejection from XABF but then to also be rejected for another addict that can not hold a job, no where to live, doesnt have a thing, horrible parent....then I had to be realistic bc the truth was that was his equal or the way he choose to live! He acually felt a little better than she was bc she was even worse! She allowed and promoted the lifestyle too! I still struggle and I know you will too but if you really think about it wo emotion its very likely the rejection has little to do w you as a person! By the way, ypu can bet they struggled....it was a mess w 2 active addicts and final ended in diaster but I always pictured how I thought it would be! I don't want to sound uncaring bc trust me....I care and I still hurt but you came out on top! I know for me the God Lord protected me again and again by running me into a brick wall w my XABF! I hope your heart will heal soon!

Said

Yes, I have been told that he chose her because she was worse off then him, so he can #1) concentrate on what a mess she is, and therefore not have to face his problems and #2) she will not give him any trouble about his drinking and drugging, since she is doing it too. I guess I presented a threat to him because I was getting healthy. Also, apparently, he feels the need to caretake her, because it makes him feel self-worth; it is out of duty and to avoid guilt and not out of love. (This from Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody). Reading this, I feel like a fairly well-informed person on this subject, so WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH? WHY AM I IMAGINING THAT THEY ARE HAPPY, IN LOVE, AND HAVING A WONDERFUL LIFE? Why do I think that, because they are married, everything is great for them? My Al-Anon friends say that he won't change, that he will treat her the same as he did me, that it's irrational to think that a person or relationship will change someone, and that it's an inside job (i.e. changing is something you must do yourself, in recovery). I am in recovery, and it's not easy. I think sometimes I feel like they have it easy because they can just party their life away, and not have to deal with anything. Comments?

Katiekate

It is impossible to maintain a happy and healthy life partying your life away.

As any recovered alcoholic or addict how unhappy they truly were when they were at the height of their addcition.

Addiction is a cover up.

BlueSkies1

Said,
You have sober thinking. For someone using, you're thinking is too sober, too somber, too serious, too real, too fair, too realistic, too grounded, too much playing by the rules, etc., etc., etc.

He wants someone who thinks like he does. He likes to mess with people's minds, not be grounded, not play by the rules, etc., etc., etc.

Same type found same type in her/him. It makes sense.

You don't want to live that way. You should concentrate on making yourself the person you want to be, so that oneday you can find someone who shares the same values, and be worthy of that person you seek. I would tell myself everytime I started thinking about their possibilities, if I was you, to stop, and then divert my thinking to something uplifting, positive, and productive for myself. You do have this power...it's as simple as catching yourself obsessing about him again and then consciously choosing to stop that train of thought. Not as hard as you may think, once you start practicing this, it will get easier and easier to do.
What good is it doing you to obsess about their possibilities of happiness? None. They may actually be happy with what they've got. For now, it could be working for them. They are still in the early honeymoon phase. But, it probably won't last for them. I'm not saying that to comfort you, but I think you need to accept that they may be happy, and get on with your life in spite of it. I also think realistically and statistically, they are bound to fail, and I say that not to comfort you, but for you to gain understanding of how these things work.
Active addicts at some point usually go too far. Logically, one or both of them will push the limits, they will begin to argue, and all hell will break loose. One of them might decide to get sober, and if that happens, they are probably doomed, because both of them wanting to get sober simultaneously chances are slim to none.
You're feeling the withdrawal of losing this person, natural after any breakup. Keep posting your thoughts and we will all help you move past the agonizing stage, and it will pass! And start NOW turning that energy back on yourself--and self-improvement, in order to improve your self-esteem, and then, once you are happy with yourself by yourself...then you'll be ready for Mr. Right, but you won't be unhappy waiting for Mr. Right, because you see, you will be happy just being you.

Shadydeal

I have to tell you that I struggled over and over. I mean I drove myself up a wall w/it! I might add that I am to blame for allowing him to come back into my life everytime. Of course, I thought it would be different each time. lol I knew he was done w/her! lol Nope but really I am so ashamed so many times! In my sitution, the 2 addicts didn't end up in married they ended up in jail! Nice! I was really proud thank God that took place somewhere else! I always told him if he kept running w/her than you will end up on her stomping ground! Oh, He did but that's not to say he wouldn't have found his way there w/his drinking anyway. He ended up in jail bc of domestic V. They use to fight which just amazed the heck out of me! Something I never saw in him in almost 4.5 yr dating/25 yrs of knowing. He was the type to run, hide and total shame. Don't even get me started on this ordeal but my point is you just never ever know! What I do know is nothing good comes out of 2 active addicts. Hell, one for that matter! It will do a number on your self worth if you allow it to! I try to tell myself now....my XABF is no prize! He is a curse in many ways. He might be loving man, sweet man w/all the hope in the world but his choices stink! Someone else can have that so called price! Be very careful what you wish for! I realize it's not that simple but it helps! To know them on the street you'd never have known their lifestyle was complete trash! I still struggle every damn day but it's easier most days! It helps that he's not in the same state! I truly hope things will get easier for you. Funny how we know what the truth is but yet we fight still looking for the answer! I do it all the time - still doing it! Won't you be thrilled when you can say....Who cares! I know I will be!

Said

I am the only one that can stop the obsessive thoughts and turn my life and my will over to a higher power; it's just been so hard to do it. I think that I am so used to being in pain that that is my default emotion most of the time. I have been trying to think of the positive every day, say the serenity prayer when I start feeling shakey, make a gratitude list of things that I am lucky to have in my life, and to name all of the friends I have made and who love me in the Al-Anon program. My sponser says I am never alone, that I have my friends and my HP, but sometimes I get so lonely. But it's weird, because when I think of lonelieness now, I remember how incredibly lonely I felt living with someone who was never there for me, who only cared about himself, and simply had me there so he wouldn't be alone; and had to find someone to replace me with when I stopped doing what he wanted. I have started feeling better about myself, but sometimes I just slip. The feeling of rejection, like Sassydog said, in lieu of another addict, has been tremendous for me. He was even insulting her to me, before he decided she was the love of his life. He would come home from work and say what a bitch she was and how much he hated her voice, and that she was helping herself to all his beer. He told me his house was "my house, too" and to "never leave me". I know all of this doesn't matter any more, but it was a major mindfuck for me, and I can't stop hearing these things in my head some times. I read also in my Love Addiction book, that if you've been abandoned in childhood that being abandoned again in adulthood can be almost too much to take. I'm trying so hard, really! It seems so unfair that someone like this can get off scott free!