ZiggyB

Said,
I totally sympathize with you regarding the feelings of loneliness. I have been feeling lonely a lot too but my therapist tells me that the happier I can feel on my own, the less likely I will be to attract someone in my life who is unhealthy and will settle for less than I deserve.

I was madly in love with axbf, but put up with far too much for too long. Nothing makes you feel as lonely as thinking your man would rather down at the bar drinking martinis and smoking every day of the week than being with you, doing normal couple stuff. Then they have a way of always turning the tables on us and making it seem like it's all our fault.

Hang in there, things will get better!

Said

I have been so much better, though, and I don't know what's happening. Maybe it's because of the holidays, which is strange because he always hated them anyway. I have been happier alone, and really feeling good about myself. I just have these flashbacks-like you said, of all of the blame he heaped on me. The day he broke up with me, he led me around the house and showed me all the places he had cleaned up, things I hadn't been doing because I was practically suicidal and could barely move from the put-downs and abuse. I had been trying to keep up, but he never helped with the house. although it was his, and would say things like "Why don't you clean out the science experiments in the fridge?" etc. For some reason, he couldn't help with this, it was my responsibility, which, of course we never discussed because I was expected to read his mind. I just feel so broken and blindsided, and gun-shy: and I'm blaming myself for things like these. I just keep thinking "If I had kept the house cleaner, etc. this wouldn't have happened..."

Katiekate

It sounds like you, like myself are just worn down to the bone.

I was so confused about everything, I forgot everything, all of my time and energy was being poured into trying to manage a relationship with an alcoholic, i had no time for anything else.

I was exhausted but not sleeping, etc...

Blame it on the disease, but always remember, You are Powerless.

You only control your own thoughts and actions. You answer to no one but yourself.

Big hug to you. xoxooxox

ZiggyB

Deja vu, darling... the day my axbf and I broke up he woke me up when I was sleeping to complain about a sweatshirt I left on the floor. I was so angry at his lack of common courtesy and the next day he blames the whole thing on me, accuses me of being a slob and of not keeping my apartment cleaner. The things he came up with to justify his rages were irrational, he was a petty tyrant. But like you I took it way too personally and I still wonder if I could have made the relationship work if I was a perfect housekeeper.

Isn't it crazy? I doubt he is thinking about me anymore wondering what he could have done to make the relationship work. He would stand me up to go out and get dead drunk with his friends but the sweatshirt was the crime of the century. I go back and forth between feeling glad he isn't around to yell at me anymore to missing what was good about him. The biggest thing I regret is not getting out sooner as soon as I saw his crazy behavior manifest, I was always thinking I could "fix" him.

After doing some reading on narcissism, I certainly think we was cut from that mold and yours was as well. They are personality disordered and they need some professional help.

(((hugs)))

stigmatized

I have felt like this too. If you get a chance you might like the "rejected by the reject" thread in the stickies. Remember all the good things about yourself. You never have to wait for someone to tell them to you or prove to you that you are "good enough". You can be the one realizes how worthy you are of all the good things in life.

Said

Oh, Ziggy, don't you know it! Mine also had a pattern of saying nasty things to me , and if I had the nerve to answer him back in kind, he would be so shocked and horrified that I would actually stand up for myself, he would say something like "I can't believe you just said that to me" and he would sleep on the couch for 2 nights. Have you checked out "Facing Love Addiction"? They are not only narcissists, but love avoidants as well-never satisfied, always dissapointed.
And for a long time, still sometimes, I imagine his short, fat, bowlegged spectacle-wearing heroin-addicted stripper/white trash queen as this zen kind of healing earth mother, who was going to heal his pain and make his life perfect, and turn him into this wonderful, understanding, feeling loving human. He said, when we broke up, that he was going to "detox her". My first sponser suggested that, in my first address to my Al-Anon home group, I mention that I was jealous of said heroin-addicted stripper. I got a pretty good laugh from the crowd, and even afterward people came up to me and laughingly said things to the effect that oh, yes, she is definately a winner.
I find it sad, however, that these things still come up in my head- I mean all the stories I am telling myself in my head. I am making myself read and re-read MadeOfGlass' entry about how things are not so rosy for addicts, as well as what Katiekate said about addicts partying their life away... am also looking for stories from addicts/alkies on this site for a reality check..let me know if you've seen anything helpful... thanks so much for all of your imput-keep it coming if you see fit!

Said

STIGMATIZED-I looked for "rejected by the reject" but couldn't find it-can you tell me how to look for it? Thanks!

Lulu39

I like the term petty tyrant!

My XAH would rage at me when I would beg him to stop his drunken abuse or leave about how "There is NO WAY IN THIS WORLD you could survive as a single mother! NO WAY!" When in reality I had always been a single parent because he was always off his face. And the mind reading I was expected to do! What is up with that?

Some of my favourite times, NOT, were when he would DEMAND that I listen to him play his instrument and sing because "OTHER PEOPLE LIKE IT WHEN I PERFORM!" Yeahbut they are too polite to tell Mr Drunky to STFU because his drunken singing and drunken mistakes sound f*cking TERRIBLE. Especially at 1 and 2 and 3 am...

stigmatized

Here ya go

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ink-about.html

owathu

I think why we can get stuck missing the "good" in them is because of the fact that it was so rare. So we cling on to those rare good moments and think that we can somehow get them to be good all the time. But they can't, they're sick.

For the most part, living with mh AH was a nightmare of drunkeness, and even before he cheated, I was getting ready to brace myself to leave. What was holding me back was that he finally realized he had a problem. So, there was that one little good moment in a sea of alcohol, and I decided to stay. Until he cheated on me.

When he was "good" it seemed so much "gooder" because I was so used to the crap husband. That's why I fixated on only the good. And ignored all the bad that EVERYONE could see. It is unbelievable how many people thought I was insane for staying with him and marrying him. And, you know what? I was insane. I ignored the little voices and went and did it anyways.

And when I get sad about my situation, I have to intentionally repeat to myself all the crap he threw at me (and is not remorseful for in anyway) because if I don't, I will only think of those rare good times and miss him. And, I am just done missing him. I am tired of it. I've been "missing him" for a decade of this. I am all out of missing.

Said

I still feel at fault because he blamed me for so much and said he wouldn't marry me at the beginning- I thought he said this because he had been married twice before. I have looked at some other posts- they seemed to say that they don't change their behavior according to who they're with, i.e. that is just their DNA, etc. and they will eventually go back to (abusive) alcoholic behavior again, like MadeOfGlass has said. I don't know why I am fantasizing about their wonderful life-Iknow I need to concentrate on me. Will she get better treatment, though, cause she's a "tough" addict, and his ex, and his "good friend"? This question is driving me crazy!

ZiggyB

Hi again,
Well ask yourself the question what difference does it make to you? Right now you're mentally inserting yourself into someone else's relationship and whether or nor she gets "better" treatment you are broken up with him and how he treats her has no impact on your past. Please try to focus on healing yourself.

(((hugs)))

suki44883

We cannot answer that question, said. We don't know the guy, nor do we know the woman he married. But, he DID marry her, so all this worrying about what he will or won't do is useless.

He has moved on, and it would be best for you to do the same.

Said

'k. sorry.

Said

won't bother you again.

Said

This has been really devastating to me. If anyone has anything else to say, it might be helpful. Thanks.

Shadydeal

Real jerk!

ZiggyB

Sorry, not too much more to add. but I have found that keeping myself busy doing things I enjoy and want to do helps me to let go of any obsessive thoughts I have about axbf. I discovered a bunch of new books I wanted to read and am getting out and meeting people. Spending time with family has really helped. Soon you will forget all about this nightmare of a man and you will have a nice peaceful life doing things you want to do! Look forward and not back, that helps.

Tuffgirl

Said, you showed great backbone by walking out and taking care of yourself. Why in the world would you care what he does from this point forward? It doesn't sound like a relationship you were satisfied with in your fist post, so how come you'd even give this guy any more of your emotional energy? That's your choice, ya know. You can defeat the stinkin thinkin if you want. You can move on if you want. But that means accepting reality without trying to analyze it into something it most likely isn't. Just accept this is what it is, and find some gratitude that you were strong enough to walk away in the first place.

Momzo

Said, love yourself. It's your time to heal. It's your time to get to know yourself...you spent WAY too much time on that guy. He isn't worth your attention. Live YOUR life now 😄

I speak from experience...trust me!