"No More Letting Go"!?
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stigmatized
I think you're probably right. I started dealing with my codependent behavior in 2005. And I dove into treatment. Endless books, one and one therapy - it was a life changer. I'm a very different person, my life has improved 1000%. I read GYLOS this year. The authors talk about not putting up with abuse, taking care of ourselves, always be safe and stoping the codependent behavior. Practice doesn't make perfect but really working on changing myself has made me healthier. Started by reacting less, and living more. That's healthy for me!
I think when reading this book you just have to stick with it - after about 5-6 chapters it just clicked for me. I'll tell you one thing I KNOW. I know what doesn't work in my communication, what didn't make my life happier, what's harmed my peace and my marriage and what absolutely did not help my husband seek treatment . . . nagging, pleading and threatening. It did nothing but make me and my marriage even more miserable. I'm always open to learn healthier ways to live. Therapy too has shown us that we'd gotten into a habit of triggering each other and we had no idea how to unravel our knee jerk reactions. My fear, his anger, my confusion, his frustration, my accusations, his defense - we set each other off, enough to make you dizzy. Our therapist works on changing behavior, habits, patterns - very closely in line with this book's methodology. For me - it's truly working. At the end of the day, no matter what's happens for my husband, I will have grown, I will have learned a new way to communicate, I will be further along in my path, I am learning to own my own emotions and that is plenty for me!
BTW Robert Meyers grew up with an addicted father. He suffered tremendously and felt it his life work to try to help others suffering. I think he has . . .
Here are two links from the HBO Serios "Addiction" on craft and the authors. There is even a video tape of him.
HBO: Addiction: Treatment: Getting Someone into Treatment: CRAFT: An Alternative to Intervention
HBO: Addiction: The Film: Supplemental Film: Getting an Addict into Treatment: The CRAFT Approach
I think you're probably right. I started dealing with my codependent behavior in 2005. And I dove into treatment. Endless books, one and one therapy - it was a life changer. I'm a very different person, my life has improved 1000%. I read GYLOS this year. The authors talk about not putting up with abuse, taking care of ourselves, always be safe and stoping the codependent behavior. Practice doesn't make perfect but really working on changing myself has made me healthier. Started by reacting less, and living more. That's healthy for me!
I think when reading this book you just have to stick with it - after about 5-6 chapters it just clicked for me. I'll tell you one thing I KNOW. I know what doesn't work in my communication, what didn't make my life happier, what's harmed my peace and my marriage and what absolutely did not help my husband seek treatment . . . nagging, pleading and threatening. It did nothing but make me and my marriage even more miserable. I'm always open to learn healthier ways to live. Therapy too has shown us that we'd gotten into a habit of triggering each other and we had no idea how to unravel our knee jerk reactions. My fear, his anger, my confusion, his frustration, my accusations, his defense - we set each other off, enough to make you dizzy. Our therapist works on changing behavior, habits, patterns - very closely in line with this book's methodology. For me - it's truly working. At the end of the day, no matter what's happens for my husband, I will have grown, I will have learned a new way to communicate, I will be further along in my path, I am learning to own my own emotions and that is plenty for me!
BTW Robert Meyers grew up with an addicted father. He suffered tremendously and felt it his life work to try to help others suffering. I think he has . . .
Here are two links from the HBO Serios "Addiction" on craft and the authors. There is even a video tape of him.
HBO: Addiction: Treatment: Getting Someone into Treatment: CRAFT: An Alternative to Intervention
HBO: Addiction: The Film: Supplemental Film: Getting an Addict into Treatment: The CRAFT Approach
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I'm so sorry Lulu, what a painful life that must've been for you! He's wounded you terribly. I hope you know what a special human being you are - just keep seeing your reflection in your own mirror. It's the only one, at the end of the day, that counts. How we feel about ourselves, how we are growing, and how much we can forgive our shortcoming and love our humanity. Healing is also a journey . . .
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Originally Posted by stigmatized 
I would be interested in knowing about the authors. In my short search I could find nothing about Debra's story. I would like to know if she actually lived with an A, deeply loved one or in anyway took responsibility for actually "saving" someone.
So I always wonder if this is the framework she's built her own belief system on--that if you say "the magic words" you can save someone. I agree COMPLETELY with the people here who have said, this is all well and good, but we have to "put our own oxygen masks on first"--and become whole and un-codependent. Otherwise, we're back in the camp of believing we can control and cure them.
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Originally Posted by Hopeworks
I used positive reinforcements in those days... Today I think a cast iron frying pan to the alcohol soaked grey matter might better snap him out of it!
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Originally Posted by WishingWell
To be 100% truthful - mihgab - if I was suffering and in the midst of the disease of clinical depression and had just downed a bottle of sleeping pills, I hope to GOD that some saner person would call 911 and get my a$$ to the hospital. Pronto.
How many times do we do this before we let go? When is it his responsibility? The last time this happened, I was scared to death. But I didn't call anyone. I Didn't know his status but he was a a weeks long binge. I had no idea what he was doing but I knew he was home. He FINALLY called an ambulance for himself hat time. I was scared he would not be able to if he needed it. But he did. We had all left him alone to whatever the consequences of his choices were. And you know what he did the next day after leaving the ER? He binged again.
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There are no easy answers - Ursula. You know. These last few weeks have been one light-bulb moment after the other for me. Therapy and GYLOS is why. OK - let's face it, at NO time has the way I've approached my husband - "worked". The thousands and thousands of lectures I've given, daily "hints", passive aggressive stabs, crying fights, arguments - been much of a help. All that they've REALLY done is to keep ME focused on him. In constant REACTION mode. And take away MY peace. So jeez - why wouldn't I be open to new ways? Our therapist looked at me and said "YOU are addicted to addiction". Ouch.
When we were at the worst almost 6 - 7 years ago, I kept saying to my own personal therapist - OK this is IT, this must be his bottom. Well, it wasn't. And she finally looked at me and said with full kindness "His bottom may be death". I think what people don't understand who are not living through this hell - it is the most painful, gut wrenching, heartbreaking experience of a lifetime. Many of us are standing there watching our loved one die, in front of us and nothing we do helps. Torture.
Here's where I'm at. I'm really thankful I read Debra's book in 2005. It spelled out options, it explained addiction, it gave me a foundation and I knew she understood. It also took away some of the anger, I could stop taking his addiction personally and showed me a doorway to possible help. How can I not thank someone for that? Huge.
I did encourage and help my husband into endless treatments. ALL of them, medication, hospital, rehab, out patient, hypnosis . . . you name it. What it did was give HIM the tools. He then knew all the options he had to get healthy.
When I could see that he was no longer trying on any level, I left and went straight to an attorney. I left knowing that I left him prepared to help himself. And HE DID. For the first 2 weeks he drank himself incoherent. One night he called me and I just said - I love you, I don't want to see you die, but at this point - YOU have to choose life or death and it will be the hardest struggle of your life.
He chose life. Detoxed himself which was incredibly dangerous that night but I had to give him that. His life changed in one night. I did not go back until there was a year of sobriety BUT I kept encouraging him, supporting him and sending him my love. How could I remain angry and bitter, the man was being eaten alive by this disease. I also got myself full help and took care of ME.
We're back together. I love him, he's a good man. And yes, was a creep (there's a better word for that . . ) when he was in the midst of the monster. Trust me, I can exchange stories. But I knew then, from all the research, books, help - that it's a disease that causes physical brain damage. And that disease needs treatment. He was sober 3 years, his grandmother who raised him died 2 years ago and our dog died 4 months ago, both sent him looking for alcohol to help. Short lived, nothing dramatic (except ME) got himself right back on track. That, my friend, I call progress!
And honestly through this all, I've had to take a HARD look at myself. This has brought me to my knees countless times, but what I saw there - was myself staring back. It's easy to blame them for everything, but I know that I drive my own car. I can't blame him for the route I'VE chosen to take and because I've been able to see this as a challenge for ME to grow, it's been incredible. The changes I've made for ME have been worth every bump, every bent fender and dent. :-) Easy - hell no. I remember saying that I felt a machine grinding away with no oil between the metal. Yeah - there have been days . . .
When we were at the worst almost 6 - 7 years ago, I kept saying to my own personal therapist - OK this is IT, this must be his bottom. Well, it wasn't. And she finally looked at me and said with full kindness "His bottom may be death". I think what people don't understand who are not living through this hell - it is the most painful, gut wrenching, heartbreaking experience of a lifetime. Many of us are standing there watching our loved one die, in front of us and nothing we do helps. Torture.
Here's where I'm at. I'm really thankful I read Debra's book in 2005. It spelled out options, it explained addiction, it gave me a foundation and I knew she understood. It also took away some of the anger, I could stop taking his addiction personally and showed me a doorway to possible help. How can I not thank someone for that? Huge.
I did encourage and help my husband into endless treatments. ALL of them, medication, hospital, rehab, out patient, hypnosis . . . you name it. What it did was give HIM the tools. He then knew all the options he had to get healthy.
When I could see that he was no longer trying on any level, I left and went straight to an attorney. I left knowing that I left him prepared to help himself. And HE DID. For the first 2 weeks he drank himself incoherent. One night he called me and I just said - I love you, I don't want to see you die, but at this point - YOU have to choose life or death and it will be the hardest struggle of your life.
He chose life. Detoxed himself which was incredibly dangerous that night but I had to give him that. His life changed in one night. I did not go back until there was a year of sobriety BUT I kept encouraging him, supporting him and sending him my love. How could I remain angry and bitter, the man was being eaten alive by this disease. I also got myself full help and took care of ME.
We're back together. I love him, he's a good man. And yes, was a creep (there's a better word for that . . ) when he was in the midst of the monster. Trust me, I can exchange stories. But I knew then, from all the research, books, help - that it's a disease that causes physical brain damage. And that disease needs treatment. He was sober 3 years, his grandmother who raised him died 2 years ago and our dog died 4 months ago, both sent him looking for alcohol to help. Short lived, nothing dramatic (except ME) got himself right back on track. That, my friend, I call progress!
And honestly through this all, I've had to take a HARD look at myself. This has brought me to my knees countless times, but what I saw there - was myself staring back. It's easy to blame them for everything, but I know that I drive my own car. I can't blame him for the route I'VE chosen to take and because I've been able to see this as a challenge for ME to grow, it's been incredible. The changes I've made for ME have been worth every bump, every bent fender and dent. :-) Easy - hell no. I remember saying that I felt a machine grinding away with no oil between the metal. Yeah - there have been days . . .
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And to be clear, the "Is" are basically what we did collectively as a family. It may not have been that I always did it but could have been my SIL, her mom, all of the family. I should have typed "we". I was trying to keep the concept simple. Regardless, the feelings if being responsible were all still the same. we r all Codies.
But he does have the tools. He has been given the opportunity. We have all supported him. And I think we are all now absolved of any further responsibility. At least I feel that this minute. In an hour that may change
But he does have the tools. He has been given the opportunity. We have all supported him. And I think we are all now absolved of any further responsibility. At least I feel that this minute. In an hour that may change
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Responsibility is not a static word. It's a word that moves and changes, depending upon circumstances. I DO think especially at the beginning it was my responsible choice as a spouse to be involved in learning, exploring treatments, encouraging, caring, stopping my own enabling and codependent behavior.
He has his responsibility and I have mine. We are both responsible. Once I really and truly wrapped my mind around the fact that this disorder is a disease and causes brain damage I understood that many times he was unable to make a decision based on a functioning brain. Much like clinical depression.
I have a friend whose husband is deeply suffering from clinical depression. Suicidal for years. Laid in bed for months on end. Lost his job, damaged his kids. She had to set up meetings, get him into a hospital, research medications. He finally got on medication but he is not doing what he needs to do to heal. Won't commit to exercise, doesn't eat right, isn't doing his own research, doesn't always take his pills and sometimes with his brain so muddy - he forgets. They argue, fight, she's afraid at any moment that this will kill him. Sound familiar.
Is it her responsibility as the mother of his kids and his wife of 30 years to help him? She's grappling, too. His brain scans show brain damage. He's on SEVEN medications, all bouncing off each other and causing his brain to react in all sorts of ways. Confusion, illogical responses, slow to respond, etc. How "responsible" is he really currently able to be? It's not black and white and neither is addiction. Drinking is the result of "damage". And then it causes more. His depression is not his choice, but he could do the steps that will help him heal.
This for me, goes back to what I posted early - we ask, we search, we talk to others and we weigh our responsibilities out. At least I feel that this minute. In an hour that may change EXACTLY!
He has his responsibility and I have mine. We are both responsible. Once I really and truly wrapped my mind around the fact that this disorder is a disease and causes brain damage I understood that many times he was unable to make a decision based on a functioning brain. Much like clinical depression.
I have a friend whose husband is deeply suffering from clinical depression. Suicidal for years. Laid in bed for months on end. Lost his job, damaged his kids. She had to set up meetings, get him into a hospital, research medications. He finally got on medication but he is not doing what he needs to do to heal. Won't commit to exercise, doesn't eat right, isn't doing his own research, doesn't always take his pills and sometimes with his brain so muddy - he forgets. They argue, fight, she's afraid at any moment that this will kill him. Sound familiar.
Is it her responsibility as the mother of his kids and his wife of 30 years to help him? She's grappling, too. His brain scans show brain damage. He's on SEVEN medications, all bouncing off each other and causing his brain to react in all sorts of ways. Confusion, illogical responses, slow to respond, etc. How "responsible" is he really currently able to be? It's not black and white and neither is addiction. Drinking is the result of "damage". And then it causes more. His depression is not his choice, but he could do the steps that will help him heal.
This for me, goes back to what I posted early - we ask, we search, we talk to others and we weigh our responsibilities out. At least I feel that this minute. In an hour that may change EXACTLY!
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For most of us, the love we have for our spouse starts us off, when we first see a problem, on the journey that WW so well describes.
For a few others, however, that is not the case. If they walk past a stranger having a medical emergency or dying on the side of a road alone, they may walk by scot free in some jurisdictions. If they walk past their spouse instead, they bear legal responsibility. A spouse is under a duty to care for and support the other spouse.
That also weighs on the spouse of the alcoholic/addict. "If I don't call 911 this (nth) time, could this be THE time?" "Should I let him/her find the tipping point ("hit bottom") alone, or not?" I know of an Al-Anoner who was long-investigated for homicide after his spouse did herself in with booze and pills. Usually, when the disease has progressed that far, there's also going to be some evidence of animosity to go on even though there was no foul play.
Think about it. The duty is always in the background for that spouse or parent of a child under 18, or for a guardian, when it comes to the alcoholic/addict to whom is owed the care and support.
For a few others, however, that is not the case. If they walk past a stranger having a medical emergency or dying on the side of a road alone, they may walk by scot free in some jurisdictions. If they walk past their spouse instead, they bear legal responsibility. A spouse is under a duty to care for and support the other spouse.
That also weighs on the spouse of the alcoholic/addict. "If I don't call 911 this (nth) time, could this be THE time?" "Should I let him/her find the tipping point ("hit bottom") alone, or not?" I know of an Al-Anoner who was long-investigated for homicide after his spouse did herself in with booze and pills. Usually, when the disease has progressed that far, there's also going to be some evidence of animosity to go on even though there was no foul play.
Think about it. The duty is always in the background for that spouse or parent of a child under 18, or for a guardian, when it comes to the alcoholic/addict to whom is owed the care and support.
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I'm so glad I'm not married. That kind of responsibility is not something I want any more. I found if completely draining and soul sucking.
Honestly, my greatest fear in life is that the nightmare of addiction falls onto one of my children. I fear if for them and I fear it for me.
Honestly, my greatest fear in life is that the nightmare of addiction falls onto one of my children. I fear if for them and I fear it for me.
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A really valid and (pardon the pun) sobering point, Titanic!
Think about it. The duty is always in the background for that spouse or parent of a child under 18, or for a guardian, when it comes to the alcoholic/addict to whom is owed the care and support.
Think about it. The duty is always in the background for that spouse or parent of a child under 18, or for a guardian, when it comes to the alcoholic/addict to whom is owed the care and support.
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Originally Posted by Thumper
I'd like to point out that we are owed some care and support too. Responsibilities go both ways in an adult relationship.
So... this begs the question. Does broke brain syndrome give you a pass on behavior that society has deemed to be unacceptable? Why isn't the alcoholic given a pass for driving drunk and killing people (a friends 18 year old son was just killed last week by a repeat offender with an obvious drinking problem).
Because society all across the world had determined that the individual is responsible for his own actions even if he is an addict or alcoholic. The risks are well known and it is more important to protect ALL members of society with laws that prohibit unacceptable and dangerous behaviors.
Broke brain syndrome does not mean they do not know right from wrong. We are given an moral compass by God and our society has instilled in us value and beliefs that are ingrained in us unless we are insane and not responsible for our actions.
They and we have a HP and therefore even if you do not "go to church" or know exactly what or who might be out there you can cry out to the heavens and do all that you can do to find your way out of addiction.
I have said before we "don't know what we don't know" but I no longer advise people to provide soft landings or gently persuade the addict by loving them to rehab. If you provide STRONG boundaries and do not accept unacceptable behaviors and allow them the luxury of feeling the brunt of their own consequences they have a better chance of finding their way out of addiction.
Now when and if they take a step in the right direction you can provide appropriate support and reward... but all of this pity and hand wringing about the "poor suffering alcoholic" just keeps them sick longer.
Been there done that and see the results. I sincerely believe I crippled my XA with my codie over-support and he is now doing amazingly well without me! The very best he has ever been in 15 years of severe "real" alcoholism in the active recovery program of 12 step AA.
The successful sober members of AA that are mentoring him do not fall for any I mean any... bs.
When he first got to California and he sent me his first text he told me he had been in 4 meetings and in error he also sent it to his sponsor. In actuality he had missed one of the planned meetings and his sponsor texted him back "Lying to XXXX already"!
In order to get better they have to get "honest" with themselves and everyone else and it can't happen in the vacuum of a dysfunctional relationship.
In so many cases, including Wishing Well's, the addict got better once isolated for his behaviors. We seperate and they are alone with themselves and their problems.
Being isolated from society and family changes behavior. Thousands of years ago being tossed out from the camp usually spelled death. In many cultures and religions it is used to change behavior or to remove entirely from the clan.
It works. In my case I simply was to the point where he was leaving or I was going to put him in the grave. I was way over his shenanigans and nonsense. I was way over my stupidity and alanon and this site helped me open my eyes and get rid of my own denial.
My getting well opened the door to his getting well.
It is only my experience and while we have similarities we are all different too. Seeking truth through knowledge, support and I believe, prayer changes things.
Wishing Well certainly isn't "wrong" but obviously is in a different place and her own path with her own XA and had a different experience and a different result than I did. She managed her own codie behaviors and got well quicker than I did. Her XA is not my XA and no two alkies are identical nor respond exactly the same.
My hard wiring for extreme compassion harmed me and I harmed my XA with my own illness. That is my experience.
Some of you looking for your own path and your own way out need to consider that your path may be a slightly different or completely different one than either of our personal experience.
All I can say... is take care of you! If you are codie and prone to make yourself sick worrying over someone you love in addiction please take care of you first.
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OT: Deleting a post answer
Originally Posted by Titanic
Can't delete this post. When I ride my cursor over the Edit button it also says delete but I would like someone to tell me how to actually delete a mis-post.
After that time period, moderators or administrators are the only ones who can remove a post.
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Originally Posted by WishingWell
Responsibility is not a static word. It's a word that moves and changes, depending upon circumstances. I DO think especially at the beginning it was my responsible choice as a spouse to be involved in learning, exploring treatments, encouraging, caring, stopping my own enabling and codependent behavior.
He has his responsibility and I have mine. We are both responsible. Once I really and truly wrapped my mind around the fact that this disorder is a disease and causes brain damage I understood that many times he was unable to make a decision based on a functioning brain. Much like clinical depression.
I have a friend whose husband is deeply suffering from clinical depression. Suicidal for years. Laid in bed for months on end. Lost his job, damaged his kids. She had to set up meetings, get him into a hospital, research medications. He finally got on medication but he is not doing what he needs to do to heal. Won't commit to exercise, doesn't eat right, isn't doing his own research, doesn't always take his pills and sometimes with his brain so muddy - he forgets. They argue, fight, she's afraid at any moment that this will kill him. Sound familiar.
Is it her responsibility as the mother of his kids and his wife of 30 years to help him? She's grappling, too. His brain scans show brain damage. He's on SEVEN medications, all bouncing off each other and causing his brain to react in all sorts of ways. Confusion, illogical responses, slow to respond, etc. How "responsible" is he really currently able to be? It's not black and white and neither is addiction. Drinking is the result of "damage". And then it causes more. His depression is not his choice, but he could do the steps that will help him heal.
This for me, goes back to what I posted early - we ask, we search, we talk to others and we weigh our responsibilities out. At least I feel that this minute. In an hour that may change EXACTLY!
He has his responsibility and I have mine. We are both responsible. Once I really and truly wrapped my mind around the fact that this disorder is a disease and causes brain damage I understood that many times he was unable to make a decision based on a functioning brain. Much like clinical depression.
I have a friend whose husband is deeply suffering from clinical depression. Suicidal for years. Laid in bed for months on end. Lost his job, damaged his kids. She had to set up meetings, get him into a hospital, research medications. He finally got on medication but he is not doing what he needs to do to heal. Won't commit to exercise, doesn't eat right, isn't doing his own research, doesn't always take his pills and sometimes with his brain so muddy - he forgets. They argue, fight, she's afraid at any moment that this will kill him. Sound familiar.
Is it her responsibility as the mother of his kids and his wife of 30 years to help him? She's grappling, too. His brain scans show brain damage. He's on SEVEN medications, all bouncing off each other and causing his brain to react in all sorts of ways. Confusion, illogical responses, slow to respond, etc. How "responsible" is he really currently able to be? It's not black and white and neither is addiction. Drinking is the result of "damage". And then it causes more. His depression is not his choice, but he could do the steps that will help him heal.
This for me, goes back to what I posted early - we ask, we search, we talk to others and we weigh our responsibilities out. At least I feel that this minute. In an hour that may change EXACTLY!
I have clinical depression, although I'm not suicidal nor have I been hospitalized. I also have ADHD. I am familiar with playing trial-and-error with medications. It's not fun. It's also my responsibility and nobody else's. I had to do all my own research.
And with alcoholism, brain damage doesn't happen right away.
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I studied brain scans for a long time. I use to moderate a very well known holistic health forum on the internet. I find the scans fascinating. Our brains are affected by a lot of things and it's amazing that in our lifetime science can actually map our brain. It's such a breakthrough. My friend's depressed husband had brain scans, they showed areas of his brain that were not functioning. They could pinpoint treatment. Amazing.
According to Dr. Daniel Amen, the brain of an alcoholic looks like it's been eating by acid. And yes, especially in the 3rd - 4th stages addiction. But changes are seen in the beginning as well. Our brains are affected by hormones, pharmaceuticals, anxiety, head trauma, even gratitude - a very long list. It takes nearly 18 months or longer for the brain of an alcoholic to heal. That's if the damage is not too far gone.
That was a turning point for me in my understanding of this disease. I could no longer take it all personally. I got it.
According to Dr. Daniel Amen, the brain of an alcoholic looks like it's been eating by acid. And yes, especially in the 3rd - 4th stages addiction. But changes are seen in the beginning as well. Our brains are affected by hormones, pharmaceuticals, anxiety, head trauma, even gratitude - a very long list. It takes nearly 18 months or longer for the brain of an alcoholic to heal. That's if the damage is not too far gone.
That was a turning point for me in my understanding of this disease. I could no longer take it all personally. I got it.
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Hopeworks - I don't disagree with you.
this pity and hand wringing about the "poor suffering alcoholic" just keeps them sick longer.
It's was brutal watching him hit the ground hard and yes, heartbreaking - but I have firm boundaries. As I said - I walked out, or rather kicked him out. Went to an attorney (an expensive one that he paid for) and got legally separated - even as he fell deeper. I remain separated to this day. He has been living in a separate unit on our property for a few months after a short relapse until I'm ready. My boundary was he had to move out and go to immediate therapy, which he did not want to do - but went. It's been one of the best things we've done. I'm protected financially and have a strong support network all around me. I did that. All of it. I'm no weakling.
I set my boundaries and I set them firmly, I know that they not only help me but help him. I don't think we should fix, enable anyone. Friends, family, strangers. The book GYLOS strongly states this, as well but I learned this many years ago. This is a disease but as my first therapist would tell me, it's also a disease of the will. They have to want it enough to fight off the monster. NO one on earth can fight that beast, but them. And hopefully with treatment.
Being strong, setting boundaries does not need be done with anger, bitterness and revenge. When we do that, the life we most injure is our own. As much as I care about and love my husband, my life and happiness is my priority. And I am not going to let MYSELF take that away from me!
My life is really good! Friends, fun, dogs, activism and am ready for the holidays. 8 years ago, my life would've stopped over a relapse - those days are gone! I love success!
this pity and hand wringing about the "poor suffering alcoholic" just keeps them sick longer.
It's was brutal watching him hit the ground hard and yes, heartbreaking - but I have firm boundaries. As I said - I walked out, or rather kicked him out. Went to an attorney (an expensive one that he paid for) and got legally separated - even as he fell deeper. I remain separated to this day. He has been living in a separate unit on our property for a few months after a short relapse until I'm ready. My boundary was he had to move out and go to immediate therapy, which he did not want to do - but went. It's been one of the best things we've done. I'm protected financially and have a strong support network all around me. I did that. All of it. I'm no weakling.
I set my boundaries and I set them firmly, I know that they not only help me but help him. I don't think we should fix, enable anyone. Friends, family, strangers. The book GYLOS strongly states this, as well but I learned this many years ago. This is a disease but as my first therapist would tell me, it's also a disease of the will. They have to want it enough to fight off the monster. NO one on earth can fight that beast, but them. And hopefully with treatment.
Being strong, setting boundaries does not need be done with anger, bitterness and revenge. When we do that, the life we most injure is our own. As much as I care about and love my husband, my life and happiness is my priority. And I am not going to let MYSELF take that away from me!
My life is really good! Friends, fun, dogs, activism and am ready for the holidays. 8 years ago, my life would've stopped over a relapse - those days are gone! I love success!
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Originally Posted by WishingWell
I studied brain scans for a long time. I use to moderate a very well known holistic health forum on the internet. I find the scans fascinating. Our brains are affected by a lot of things and it's amazing that in our lifetime science can actually map our brain. It's such a breakthrough. My friend's depressed husband had brain scans, they showed areas of his brain that were not functioning. They could pinpoint treatment. Amazing.
According to Dr. Daniel Amen, the brain of an alcoholic looks like it's been eating by acid. And yes, especially in the 3rd - 4th stages addiction. But changes are seen in the beginning as well. Our brains are affected by hormones, pharmaceuticals, anxiety, head trauma, even gratitude - a very long list. It takes nearly 18 months or longer for the brain of an alcoholic to heal. That's if the damage is not too far gone.
That was a turning point for me in my understanding of this disease. I could no longer take it all personally. I got it.
According to Dr. Daniel Amen, the brain of an alcoholic looks like it's been eating by acid. And yes, especially in the 3rd - 4th stages addiction. But changes are seen in the beginning as well. Our brains are affected by hormones, pharmaceuticals, anxiety, head trauma, even gratitude - a very long list. It takes nearly 18 months or longer for the brain of an alcoholic to heal. That's if the damage is not too far gone.
That was a turning point for me in my understanding of this disease. I could no longer take it all personally. I got it.
What did you used to take personally, that you don't take personally anymore?
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