Hi again

Old 11-30-2012, 09:17 AM
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Hi again

I had to step away from here to deal face to face with all that was going on. You all are amazing & have helped so much but I was finding myself paralyzed by worry and inaction the more I talked and processed on here so I went away from everything online and sorted (still trying to) things out in real time.

Things have been very difficult. The more limits I set, the worse AH's behavior has been. Our divorce is not final bc he is finding every little thing to nitpick over imaginable and as expected is using the girls as pawns. And last month he finally (and I suspected this would come sooner than later so it wasn't as much of a shock as it could have been) got my family involved. My mom as some of you know, has borderline personality disorder. I was abused by her as a kid and as an adult have kept her at an arms length emotionally because I know I can't trust her to be anyone other than who she is. Anyway, AH decided to share with my mother that I've been in touch with my dad for the past few years (my mom banned us all from being in touch with him after he left her 25 yrs ago) and over Veterans day all hell broke lose with my mom. It's too crazy to even explain (anyone with a BPD family member can probably relate to not knowing how to explain the illogical ness of dealing with someone with this illness). She told me that I was a traitor and would regret "turning" on her. And next thing I knew she had "joined" AH in petitioning that he have primary custody based on my "instability", "history of mental illness" and "anger problems". She is now changing her story about AH setting me up to have me arrested last Spring and is stating that I abused him and our children... I don't think she understands the ramifications of what she is doing and it's clear she and AH are both very ill.

My lawyer has now had to spend time and my money tracking down my mothers psychiatric records and filing objections to her madness. I am not particularly worried about her craziness holding water bc fortunately she is known for being nuts in this town. But my children now have no contact with her and they are confused about why this is.

The most upsetting part of this is that my two "closest" friends here in town have clearly been dragged into this (though they will not say that my mom has been involved) and out of the blue the week after Veterans day, both friends suddenly decided they didn't feel "safe" being in touch with me. They both have kids my kids ages and they have stated that they only feel comfortable with their kids having contact with mine if AH is the one supervising them. It's an all out denigration campaign by my mom and AH and it's not unlike what my mom did to me as a kid-- except now my own kids are being hurt by it all.

So, while the divorce is well under way and I was managing pretty well not having to interact pretty much at all with AH, this new wrinkle with my mom and how it has impacted my small support system here in my town has been really really hard.

I can't control what others choose to think or do and I am not going to try and convince my friends that my mom and AH are nuts... that is what every bone in me wants to do but I know it's pointless. People will believe what they want and I guess if these "friends" are so quick to believe the sociopathic stories of my mom and AH then they aren't friends I need in my life. It just really, really sucks a lot that my kids are the ones hurting and wondering why suddenly their friends and their grandmother have disappeared.

Sorry if this makes no sense-- it's too complicated to try and if I weren't living it I'd find it hard to believe it could be happening. It's so insane and yet I knew deep down that my mom had this ability and I have had anxiety for a long time that she could at any time decide to turn on me bc that's what I grew up with. I guess when AH realized he couldn't destroy me any further, he realized that playing to my mother's craziness about feeling "betrayed" would net him an ally and sure enough...

So, here I am... wanted to say hell. Wish it were happier news and things were calm. I am still in shock a bit because of the friends bailing thing but I don't really know what I can do about it other than to try and accept it and keep putting one foot in front of the other...

Anyone else had friends and family turn on you in the worst of times? How do you manage?
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Old 11-30-2012, 09:32 AM
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Today is a New Day
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While what you are going through is outside of my realm of personal experience, I can say that I recognize I was fortunate in this regard. That said, I have had friendships fall apart for reasons that I did not understand, and it does feel like betrayal to have someone you trust with a part of your life become someone you never thought they'd be - either by cutting me off or by changing their behavior in ways that made me feel really uncomfortable to be around.

I do believe that if you go forward doing the next right thing that eventually the truth will out. You are a good person, and he will not be able to sustain the act forever.

I wish I could offer you some helpful advice that would make this whole nightmare go away, but I can't. I can say that I'm so grateful to hear from you again, as a part of my was worried sick about you the longer you were away. You do not deserve this treatment from anyone... but I think you don't need any reassurances of that because you already know that.

You are a strong person. You will get through this, and your children are very fortunate to have you in their lives to stand up for them.

I am so happy that you are safe.
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Old 11-30-2012, 09:42 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
My emotional baggage
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So glad you are back, sorry for the reasons though. We have kind of similar stories, and I really followed your posts when I started here.

As for having your friends turn against you, yep I am right there with you. I have not had any of my family members turn against me but I have lost all but my two closest friends. All the wives of my husbands friends, (who I considered my friends) have all fallen away. I actually had a call from my husbands best friend, who I felt the closest to, and warned off about calling his wife ever again. After just texting her asking why my STBXAH was off work injured. It was shocking to say the least....

My currentl best friend, told me that her husband said that my STBXAH told him that she had to chose between him and me. She just told him to stick it and she is not chosing. And to just not talk about anything around her, he would not want me to know. And these are all police officers so it makes it doubley intimidating.

My truely best friend was his older sister (and I have two sisters of my own). That loss has been the hardest. I am hoping that after the divorce is done, we will be able to be friends again.

Time will help you let it go. They, just like me are allowed to make their own life decisions. I think now I see that they really are not chosing me or him but to just pull out of the whole situation. And of course you friends are not going to want to have their children with your kids if he is supervising. Who wants their kids with an A. None of my sisters would ever let their kids go with my kids to my STBXAH's house. Who would let their kids go with a drinker willingly. The court makes me......

Take care, these are the side effects of leaving that you cannot foresee but are awful,

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Old 11-30-2012, 09:44 AM
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Oh WTBH...I was happy to see your name here but sad to see what all you have been and are going through. My XA used to try to turn my mom and other family on me....fortunately for me my mom isn't nuts and knows that he is...but I can't even imagine what this is doing to you. I don't even have any idea what to do next...except maybe just make sure your lawyer knows everything and then trust him to do his job. This stuff has a way of coming out in the end, but man, the road to the end can be a tough one. I hope you know my thoughts are with you...I'm so sorry to hear all of this.
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Old 11-30-2012, 10:34 AM
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People will believe what they want and I guess if these "friends" are so quick to believe the sociopathic stories of my mom and AH then they aren't friends I need in my life.

And I am so glad to see you pop in. I've wondered about how things were going. I'm way too familiar with the behavior of people with personality disorders and the havoc they can wreak when they feel you have "betrayed" them. Lots of love & prayers for you!
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Old 11-30-2012, 10:46 AM
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WTBH - you've been missed here.

I have a bi-polar Mom; I can relate to your madness. Hang in there. I won't say it gets better...I think instead we get better at dealing with it all. But I can say that once a history has been established, these people have little credibility. And it doesn't take long for people to know something is "off". Your friends (who aren't friends any longer) will have karma come around to bite them, especially when your STBX does something irresponsible with their children in tow. You know its just a matter of time.

In the meantime, try as best as you can to detach from the madness. I know its hard - having had to do this for the last 20 years myself with my Mom, but its necessary, I'd even say crucial to maintaining our own sanity.

Prayers to you and your kids,
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Old 11-30-2012, 11:06 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
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I have this image of a bizarre road race going on, with you driving slowly and steadily straight down the center line like an arrow, and broken down and old beaten up race cars, in crazy flourescent colors like fuschia and orange and lime green with chipped paint and broken bumpers, are zooming in and out and around you in crazy dizzying patterns, almost hitting you, but not quite. And you just keep on driving, straight as an arrow, and there is a finish line up ahead.

Yes, my family of origin has been just as crazy as yours. (And in this case, your family of origin just about equals the whole community.) When they let the basement of their summer house fill with water and stand that way for years, eventually the bedroom floor rotted out and they were still sleeping in the room until the carpenter absolutely refused to even walk on that floor. And when mushrooms as big as portabellos grew out of the kitchen walls, they bought paneling and covered them over. And my dad was a big executive with 1000 people reporting to him, so it wasn't that they didn't know better. They were just crazy. There was lots worse, but I don't want to say it publically. God's honest truth, all this and more happened.

My psychiatrist says that when functional people try to leave dysfunctional family systems, the family has "rubber walls" that bounce you back in when you try to leave. They can't bear losing a player to whom they've assigned a major role.

My best friend, years ago when my family was acting out the worst, gave me the strangest little air plant, its tiny "pot" attached to a magnet. She told me to attach it to my refrigerator where I would see it often. She told me it was my "bizarre" plant, and whenever I doubted who was insane, and thought it might be me, I should just look at that plant, and remember that it was their behavior that was bizarre.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more privately. Sometimes we need someone to talk to without the possibility of being "overheard", especially on the internet. I'm sure many others here on SR would feel the same about you contacting them directly.

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Old 11-30-2012, 11:20 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
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My mom never actively tried to sabotage me, but she always did take the side of whoever abused me, from the first sexual assault as a teenager through today with my AH. I don't think she would ever go so far as to take the stand against me in court, but if she did, I couldn't be so naive to say it came out of nowhere. I go back and forth with this. On the one hand I don't expect her to be anything but what she is. I can't keep going there for a drink of water when the well is dry. On the other hand, a very primal part of me wishes that well had water, because I need it and I feel like I need it from that well, damn it. These old wounds weep when I'm particularly tired and sad and lonely.

My split and custody battle with my ex-NPD was pretty epic, however. I've shared a little bit of it with you. What carried me through was this belief, however tenuous, that I would come out on top because I was telling the truth. All the gaslighting and threats in the world -- all of which scared the **** out of me -- couldn't change the fact that I was trying to do right by my kids and that I was walking that path as honorably as I knew how. When it came down to it, my ex was given parental rights in accordance with local laws, but was reprimanded by the court for throwing everything he could find about me, much of it made up entirely, against the wall to see what would stick. The people he brought in as his character witnesses were pretty sad: an alcoholic ex-roommate and a trust fund baby he knew from high school who has never worked a day in her life. When people like that are the Yes Men, it gets a little easier to be confident.

My own anxiety was my Achilles heel. I had a difficult time being around him and interacting with him without tears and panic attacks, literally. This finally subsided when I was treated for PTSD.

You know when it finally subsided? When enough time went by that other people had "betrayed" him. It's really sick and kind of funny now that it's been a few years. Everyone from the girls who rejected him at online dating to the guy driving the street sweeper (epic story, he sued the city... AND WON!) to various friends and family, everyone eventually betrays him. Enough time will go by and he'll get new narcissistic sources, positive and negative, and the crazy will mostly move on.

Regarding other people. In hindsight, a lot of friends and bystanders had no idea who to believe. There's a lot of "it takes two" narratives that work against abused women, IMO. I think a lot of people also backed away because they didn't want a part in any drama, in as impersonal a way as that kind of rejection can be. :/ A lot of them just got sick of hearing me talk about it. I can't apologize for that though, I was heartsick over all of it. I can't blame them for taking care of themselves, but I also needed support. I lost a lot of friends then, but the ones that stayed around are still friends today.

I'm just glad to see you're okay. Welcome back. I hope to see you around more.
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Old 11-30-2012, 11:54 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
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I wish I had some advice, but like the others have said this so far exceeds anything that I've had to deal with that I have no idea what to even say.

I think of you & your girls often, glad to see you posting again but sorry that things seem to be escalating.
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Old 11-30-2012, 01:17 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
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I am glad you are back....but certainly not for where things are at for you.

This post has made me appreciate a lot of things in my life. I don't have any shared experience. I did lose relationships as my divorce occurred but it was not the layer upon layer that is in this.

I just want to say that I am glad you are here, glad you are getting support and as always regardless I am glad how you fiercely love and protect those two little girls you have.
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Old 11-30-2012, 01:37 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
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((WTBH)) - I'm so glad to see you back, but so very sorry for all that is going on. I don't have personal experience, but will keep you and the girls in my prayers.

Hugs and prayers,

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Old 12-05-2012, 01:49 PM
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I'm just very relieved to see that you are alive and kickin'........ with your crazy AH we never knew what was possible. I see nothing's really changed!

Some day, WTBH.......some day!!!
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:58 AM
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WTBH, I don't have any words... just sending hugs and a shoulder to lean on.

Wishing you peace and continued strength.
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Old 12-06-2012, 06:34 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
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You are very strong. We are cheering for you. Trust HP, trust the lawyer, it hurts when "friends" do not behave as we expect them too but oh well. After all this ends you'll be able to start anew and you will know who is who.
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Old 12-06-2012, 09:18 AM
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adding my prayers & good thoughts for the truth to be know for you & your sweet girls ~

and for peace, serenity, safety and harmony to live in your & their lives today & everyday - regardless of the chaos anyone tries to bring into it ~

pink hugs,
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:05 PM
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WTBH, soooo glad you are OK. We were worried about you! I am incredibly sorr you are dealing with such profound betrayal on do many levels. I send you big hugs.
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