wynter

Thank you, earthworm. It really is that simple, isn't it? Just had talk with gf, enlightening...said I am mourning the man I thought he was.

ShootingStar1

Sometimes a part of being co-dependent is being immersed in the drama of the upset that living with/partnering with an alcoholic causes in our lives. The intensity of the chaos, and the chaotic exchanges between the alcoholic and co-dependent can in themselves be mistaken for living a real life; this drama can become an addiction for us co-dependents.

For some, one symptom of this was realizing that the silence of No Contact was depriving them of the excitement and engagement of a pseudo-relationship with their alcoholic. If your A is recovering, it may be that he is trying to learn to live without the drama. When you are ready to do the same, maybe things will change. Just a thought, take what you like, leave the rest.

ShootingStar1

AlcoholicLove

I thought the saying was "Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages"
Is it used for both A's and Codies?
Do we take hostages, as well?

lovesunandsnow

I can totally relate to wanting to send an email, a text or anything even though NC is really what is needed. My ex-abf walked away from me in August and we never talked again. I have no closure directly from him; I have had to find that closure in myself. It has been a hell journey with more pain then I have ever felt in my life.

It has been so hard, I to have made the mistake of sending way too many emails that I should not have and it has been a month and I have not sent anymore. The emails were not intended to control but I see as where they are just another codie issue I have. I feel bad but who just walks away and never says anything? I have not been able to wrap my mind around that part of the ending of my relationship; I don't think I am meant to. Because of the ending I think he will eventually call or email again. I am prepared for the time if that happens. I'm not going to respond because it will start all over again. I’m not going to delude myself into thinking he has or will ever change just because I heard from him, but yes in my fairy tale land I wish he would. All part of me needing to change me!

I hurt daily but some days are better than others, now when I want to vent to him I come on SR and read, read and read. It takes my urges of contact away. I wish you tons of love and light to continue down the path you’re meant to be on. This journey in life will forever be life changing but it is up to us to see our change happen, not the A.

SadHeart

HE doesn't get to decide your fate, YOU do.

Titanic

They drive us off the road. We've stayed off. It's up to us to find our way back to the road and on to our journey.

Tuffgirl

Wow - this is very profound. Took me months with my therapist to recognize my own arrogance in regards to my ex-AH.

When that lightbulb finally went on, I began to approach things from the recovery perspective, and regardless of what he did or didn't do, I still felt better about myself. So when the relationship ended abruptly, I was able to let it go and understand that for right now, this is reality, and I am still going to be ok. Better than ok.

Wynter, take the no-contact time to really focus on yourself and your motivations. You will be so glad that you did. I know I am.

Sueski

Silence leaves you alone with yourself, and that can be a very uncomfortable place to be. Distraction through drama feels more familiar, doesn't it? I'm not good at this AT ALL, but I have been working on just sitting with the discomfort. What I find is that whatever I am struggling with (not sending that text, not trying to get a drunk to be logical, whatever) keeps coming back to controlling other people, which does actually come back to arrogance.

lovesunandsnow

All I can say is I’m so tired of the silence and being so darn uncomfortable. I know it’s going to pass but there are moments in my day that I want to crawl out of my skin just to give it to someone else and see if they can handle my pain.

It has to get better and when other talk from experience it helps me sit with being uncomfortable, knowing those before me made it through and so will I. Time will tell the outcome.

Sueski

If you're open to buddhist stuff, check out Pema Chodron. She's an American buddhist nun who has a wonderful way of making complicated concepts understandable. I am pretty sure she saved my sanity in 2011.

NYCDoglvr

I've been sober over two decades and going to Alanon half that time. I personally think codependency is alcoholism without the booze. If you really care about him let him be ; respect his wishes. There's nothing you can say that will make a difference. Yes, definitely Alanon.

mdkathy62

Good afternoon everyone,

The past two days have been busy for me and I have not been on SR. This weekend marks a particularly tough time for me, and all of us I believe. The holidays are always tough. I find myself thinking about my ex and then I find myself forcing those thoughts out. I don't know why in my head, I think oh it's Thanksgiving, maybe he will change lol as if many Thanksgivings have not already passed and he is still out there drinking, lying, and what have you. Part of me wants to hear from him, but I know that won't end well. It has been no contact for me for ONE MONTH and I can tell you, this past month felt like 10 years...everyday is easier and harder at the same time. I get a bit nervous as his image is fading in my head and a part of me wants to hold onto something if that makes sense. It's still so crazy to me that at one point, we were so passionate and in love and now we are complete strangers.

I can tell you that I no longer cry like I used to. My self-esteem is improving. I smile more. I don't feel as stressed out and overwhelmed like I used to. I can spend money on myself and do the things I put on hold and I don't feel guilty about it. His mail still comes to the apartment and I try to hold it up to the light to see if he's in some kind of trouble--most likely so. I don't know anyone's bank who sends 3-4 letters a week =/ BUT I have to force myself to forward the mail to him and continue with life.

Thanksgiving and the upcoming holiday season will not be easy by any means, but I encourage all of us to stick to no contact. One day at a time!

lovesunandsnow

"It's still so crazy to me that at one point, we were so passionate and in love and now we are complete strangers."

I feel the same way! So sad and two months of nc but I did break down and send an email. Not good but oh well I will just remember next time he dose not care, I did.

Have a happy turkey day and enjoy the day with family.

djayr

I would just "hang back" and NOT communicate. For me it seems like a long time if I haven't communicated with AW for even 24 hours, but that's pretty crazy when I think about it.

I also noticed that I do most of the talking and communicating. I do everything: the thinking about the future, how this or that will work, taking care of responsibilities, on and on.

Every now and then I just stop to see what AW thinks. Pause the conversation, or wait for her to call me instead of the other way around. What makes me sad, is that she seems to have lost her ability to think, reason, communicate, make good decisions, etc. She really DOESN'T have much to say besides, "come home and take care of me like you always have for 18 years, that's all I need". Then I feel guilty for my part in her mental and physical decay.

Advice I have a hard time following myself: let them think, let them make efforts to do things like communicate, let them use their minds, or their minds will become frail and weak. I don't know.

lillamy

Why do you care what he thinks?
Why do you care who he thinks you are?
(Serious questions. I think you are still giving him too much power over your life.)

Carol Star

I went to an Alanon workshop last year where we learned about "our part"........take a piece of paper and put a line down the middle. On the left side write everything the "A" has done to you. On the right side write your reaction. Tear the paper down the middle. Throw the left side away- my part is the right side- MY reactions.......

WishingWell

NYC Dog Lvr,

This a very profound statement "I've been sober over two decades and going to Alanon half that time. I personally think codependency is alcoholism without the booze."

Can you please explain this more? Thank you!

NYCDoglvr

Yes. You have no control over what he thinks and says, no control over outcomes. I suggest focusing on this, because it's the essence of the problem. Think of codependency as alcoholism without the booze ... it's addiction to someone else. Letting go is a process and you're just starting the process. Alanon is a huge help!

WishingWell

Wow - BRILLIANT!

Carol Star

I know- I have been in recovery 22 years, one slip, and alanon 8 years. I was addicted to my XAH and fixing him. It didn't work. Now when I am "drunk" on feelings I run that emotion through the steps. I am a triple winner- alcodependentcodaholicaddict. Now living in the solution- not the problem.....divorced 5 years.....it took a long time but don't miss him anymore. I miss the "white picket fence story " I had dreamed up in my head that wasn't the real deal. Yes- the workshop exercise gets me back to the solution- fixing the only thing I have power over- me. I heard a new one just yesterday- QTIP- Quit taking it personal.