New here - need your thoughts
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3
New here - need your thoughts
Hi, I'm new here & so grateful to have found the site. I've been reading through some posts and just ordered a copy of codependent no more on amazon.*
I'd like to get your thoughts. A little background- I'll try to condense my story: alcoholic meets girl; girl falls in love; worked opposite shifts & didn't recognize the alcoholism at first; once I did, it was too late (I was hooked); A has had lengthy bouts of sobriety (3-4 yrs) but has been drinking again for a few years; birth control recall & surprise pregnancy; A gets clean for a couple of months then relapses; I position myself with Fam & friends and he ends up in trouble with the law 1,000 miles away; I have baby; A spends time in jail then homeless; A goes to rehab and only has a month under his belt now; we are not together; I love him & he loves alcohol; however, I'd love to see him stay sober- but in all honesty I am starting to believe his abuse will only end with his death (sad but not unwarranted). We have a child & that won't change; thats all i know. Long story long, he relapsed last night & I have some serious questions about how the abuse has effected his brain. One minute he texted me confessing that he'd slipped & was drinking, to which I asked him why he drank & advised he get some coffee & get to a meeting. In the next breath, he tries to tell me he wasn't drinking & had been at a marathon meeting all day. I know this is a lie; he just told me so. So my question is this... I know long term abuse can affect the brain. Does he really believe the things he tells me? They make no logical sense. Does he really think I'm buying his lies? How messed up is his brain? I'm sure he's bipolar, but is there possibility of some other personality disorder or is this just one of those things where he switches up his story b/c that's the one that benefits the alcoholic in him (that way he could lie again, drink again, etc.)? I long ago realized his word is worth nothing for as long as he is drinking & Most of the time I am pretty good at abandoning the idea that I should be able to make logical sense of his actions. But as I lay in bed, I can't help but analyze the idea that even if he were to ever remain sober, the lies and behavior issues will not stop.**Thanks much for taking the time to read this and respond if you feel so inclined
I'd like to get your thoughts. A little background- I'll try to condense my story: alcoholic meets girl; girl falls in love; worked opposite shifts & didn't recognize the alcoholism at first; once I did, it was too late (I was hooked); A has had lengthy bouts of sobriety (3-4 yrs) but has been drinking again for a few years; birth control recall & surprise pregnancy; A gets clean for a couple of months then relapses; I position myself with Fam & friends and he ends up in trouble with the law 1,000 miles away; I have baby; A spends time in jail then homeless; A goes to rehab and only has a month under his belt now; we are not together; I love him & he loves alcohol; however, I'd love to see him stay sober- but in all honesty I am starting to believe his abuse will only end with his death (sad but not unwarranted). We have a child & that won't change; thats all i know. Long story long, he relapsed last night & I have some serious questions about how the abuse has effected his brain. One minute he texted me confessing that he'd slipped & was drinking, to which I asked him why he drank & advised he get some coffee & get to a meeting. In the next breath, he tries to tell me he wasn't drinking & had been at a marathon meeting all day. I know this is a lie; he just told me so. So my question is this... I know long term abuse can affect the brain. Does he really believe the things he tells me? They make no logical sense. Does he really think I'm buying his lies? How messed up is his brain? I'm sure he's bipolar, but is there possibility of some other personality disorder or is this just one of those things where he switches up his story b/c that's the one that benefits the alcoholic in him (that way he could lie again, drink again, etc.)? I long ago realized his word is worth nothing for as long as he is drinking & Most of the time I am pretty good at abandoning the idea that I should be able to make logical sense of his actions. But as I lay in bed, I can't help but analyze the idea that even if he were to ever remain sober, the lies and behavior issues will not stop.**Thanks much for taking the time to read this and respond if you feel so inclined
Jules
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ohio
Posts: 279
I'd say as long as he is drinking he is no good for you and no good for the baby. Sad to say alcohol does some pretty crazy things to the brain. He might have forgot he texted you in the first place, he may have been in a blackout and had no clue whatsoever. You would be amazed at the things an "A" can do in a drunk and have absolutely no recollection the next day. It is terrifying believe me.
Basically none of us can stay sober unless we have the true desire to change our lives. There have been many lives ruined because of this disease. It is a powerful beast.
I think it is important for you to take care of yourself and child. Maybe set some clear boundaries with him. I don't know if you have considered Al-anon but people speak highly of it. Either way you have found a great site with lots of suport and people who have been where your are! Welcome and take care!
Basically none of us can stay sober unless we have the true desire to change our lives. There have been many lives ruined because of this disease. It is a powerful beast.
I think it is important for you to take care of yourself and child. Maybe set some clear boundaries with him. I don't know if you have considered Al-anon but people speak highly of it. Either way you have found a great site with lots of suport and people who have been where your are! Welcome and take care!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Welcome to SR Charlie.
Lots of support here for you.
My ex A used to forget whole conversations we had made which made it hard to plan anything as he'd forgotten the plan.
When I broke it off with him he admitted his drinking was out of control & would lead him to early grave. I know he's an alcoholic because I was caring for him in detox yet he turned the whole split around & said he wasn't an alcoholic & just someone who liked a few social drinks after work & that maybe the reason he wasn't turning up on dates was because subconsciously things weren't working out & he wanted me to dump him.
It is complete BS!
I know, he knows, his family knows - he's an alcoholic.
I broke it off because I was fed up with broken promises, him drinking & not turning up when he said he would.
He hooked up with an ex straight away & at a guess he will continue to drink with her & it'll probably take his life eventually.
I still love him, I can't help him, he has to do it for himself. He's found his next enabler straight away.
It's sad but I have to let go which is what I'm working on.
Hope you can too.
Lots of support here for you.
My ex A used to forget whole conversations we had made which made it hard to plan anything as he'd forgotten the plan.
When I broke it off with him he admitted his drinking was out of control & would lead him to early grave. I know he's an alcoholic because I was caring for him in detox yet he turned the whole split around & said he wasn't an alcoholic & just someone who liked a few social drinks after work & that maybe the reason he wasn't turning up on dates was because subconsciously things weren't working out & he wanted me to dump him.
It is complete BS!
I know, he knows, his family knows - he's an alcoholic.
I broke it off because I was fed up with broken promises, him drinking & not turning up when he said he would.
He hooked up with an ex straight away & at a guess he will continue to drink with her & it'll probably take his life eventually.
I still love him, I can't help him, he has to do it for himself. He's found his next enabler straight away.
It's sad but I have to let go which is what I'm working on.
Hope you can too.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Charlie0725 
But as I lay in bed, I can't help but analyze the idea that even if he were to ever remain sober, the lies and behavior issues will not stop
You have already learned the difference between recovery and just being sober.
Sober involves the elbow. The elbow stops bending and lifting the alcohol to the lips of the alcoholic.
Recovery involves the mind, spirit and body. It's about learning to live on life's terms without alcohol or other addictive behaviors.
Welcome to the SR family!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
It's a long road to real recovery for him, and he may or may not make it there.
You know honest straightforward non-confusing communication when you see it. Reject all else. This is something I have to remind myself of over and over again.
While he is on his journey to wherever he decides to go...the clock ticks on, that little child will grow, and you have your own work to do--taking care of yourself and that child. Seems to me you have a full plate right there...!
Where do you have any control or power in these 3 people's lives?
Your own life.
Your child's life.
But not him.
Focus on where you can help people be happy and healthy--you and that child. Everyone else has to be down the ladder of priority.
Years may pass as he finds his way, or doesn't.
Tick tock tick tock.
Your life, and that's child's life, will not stay in some kind of limbo waiting for him to find his way. The clock ticks on for you too.
You have to find your way, and guide that child's way.
You know honest straightforward non-confusing communication when you see it. Reject all else. This is something I have to remind myself of over and over again.
While he is on his journey to wherever he decides to go...the clock ticks on, that little child will grow, and you have your own work to do--taking care of yourself and that child. Seems to me you have a full plate right there...!
Where do you have any control or power in these 3 people's lives?
Your own life.
Your child's life.
But not him.
Focus on where you can help people be happy and healthy--you and that child. Everyone else has to be down the ladder of priority.
Years may pass as he finds his way, or doesn't.
Tick tock tick tock.
Your life, and that's child's life, will not stay in some kind of limbo waiting for him to find his way. The clock ticks on for you too.
You have to find your way, and guide that child's way.
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