Redapples

This is another thought I had. Relationship is over with alcoholic/drug abuser boyfriend. I will go through the process of healing and dealing with this darn co dependent behaviour. Then what about if I want to start seeing someone. I will be 48 on Friday I think I am to old to start over again. I don't think there is a guy where I live remotely normal. I don't think there is a guy in this Province normal enough to date.

Now is this the co dependent person talking or this the broken hearted again person talking?? I am so fudged up I don't who I am I don't trust myself to ever finding a "normal" guy. I am not trying to put the cart before the horse I have had really bad experiences with men all of them nice, liked me, loved me, then come to find out they are drug addicts, drunks/drug addicts or just the typical drunk. With all the wonderful traits of abuse, manipulation, stealing.

I guess I have always been lonely and want to have the last years of my live with someone who is NORMAL. Lonely in disfuctional relationships.

Is there anyone out there who has been there and done that. Now in a wonderful normal relationship and is content, happy in love and love?

Titanic

Are you an adult child of an alcoholic (or a dysfunctional family)? If so, that may be why you are attracted to them. The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

What kind of work have you done on your Self? Do they sense "it" in you?

Or is there some other reason? Like every available man in the county is an A ...

Pelican

Yes. and I am 48.

I had to become aware of the pattern that I kept repeating.
Then I had to accept that the problem was with my choices. My man picker was broken and it need internal reconstruction.
Later, I was able to make a positive plan of action for what I was looking for in a relationship partner. I stayed focused on only accepting the acceptable and found what I wanted in a partner.

Red,
You didn't arrive in this situation overnight. It took time to reach this point in your life, and it will take time to find your way into a better life.
Take your time.
You are worth the effort.

SparkleKitty

Me. I have been there and done that and am now married to a wonderful man who has also been there and done that.

I am an ACoA and had no model for a healthy relationship growing up. After my first marriage ended I spent five years in therapy learning to rebuild my self-esteem. I learned that the key to loving someone and being loved in return was loving myself enough to believe that I deserved it.

It is never too late.

marie1960

I am 51.

Currently months into a new relationship with someone really interesting. I am simply enjoying his company, without any expectation at present.

Spent 5 years with an out of control alkie. Took a year and re-evaluted my life, to tell you the truth, I do not recall thinking about a man that whole year. Personally, I just wasn't ready. I had quite a few things I needed to work out for myself.

So in answer to your question YES, and I wasn't even looking, it just kind of happened very gradually, and quite casually.......

Whether You think you can or can't, you are absolutely correct.
Hugs)))))

wynter

Red,
I too find myself attracted to men that are 'problems'. I grew up with an alcoholic father who was never there. Not a horrible drunk, just absent. I loved him dearly despite it all, b/c deep down I saw a wonderful person who had a big heart, but was hurting with this disease stemming from god knows what.

I don't know...that mindset possibly has made me think that others who are 'problems' are good people too, and I just have to look past the surface. Yes, it's typical codie behavior, but at times it did bring me joy to find this goodness in others.

Still, as we know, at the end of that road is our misery when they ultimately leave us without looking back..esp after we have done it all.

Ya know, there's a book out there that is an awesome read about relationships. It's called 'attached, the science of relationships'. It explains that people have three basic styles, anxious, avoidant and secure. Helps you to decode others behavior before you get sucked in. It helped me immensely. I just found it, a little late for this present mess I'm in, but it is a total eye-opener. Can't recommend it enough. Got it on amazon. Let me know if you need any more info.

hugs

Redapples

John called me this morning crying told me he needed help and his brother was taking him to hospital or detox. I told him that was great news I am glad he is trying to get help. He asked me if I would be there for him when he gets out? I said think about getting better John first. Told him I loved him which I do. In the mean time I am going to al anon tomorrow night and trying to fix myself and continue on trying to do what I need to do to stay healthy. I swim every second day for an hour or so it helps me think.

TakingCharge999

I feel I am avoidant. I hope I can get that book. Thanks for the recommendation!

I have similar questions. What I am doing is taking my time. Meeting people and then seeing how they behave, what they say, how they treat me, how I feel, what my instinct says. Befriending healthier men (of all ages) to try to de-program my family pattern of absent male figures. I am learning to see men as individuals and starting to see they can be a source of strength, support, comfort, affection, not necessarily in a romantic way.

I am also into Zen now and trying to stay in the present moment. We never know what will happen tomorrow. Or even later today. Stay here, take care of yourself, BREATHE, seek wellness moments, nourish your soul with art, music...

About being too old, there was another thread where someone said a 85- year old lady had 2 boyfriends, and she said she did not date anyone under 70 "because they know nothing about life".

wynter

I like what you said about men being a source of strength, support, comfort and affection...and not necessarily romantic. I think that's a healthy secure base to come from. Too many times we get all wrapped up in the physical, and it's an end all be all. Then we end up missing the ones that are truly there for us b/c we are looking at all the wrong things that don't actually matter in the long run.

lillamy

I'm roughly your age and live in Alaska. Where the saying about available men is that "the odds are good, but the goods are odd." So I can relate a bit.

I wasn't ever going to be in a relationship again for as long as I lived when I left AXH. It just didn't seem worth it to me. But through my recovery, I realized that I had been mixing up my emotions and basically going to the hardware store for bread when I looked for available men: I based my choices on attraction rather than compatibility. On tension rather than love.

I'm in a relationship with a man who has been a friend for most of my life. I never thought of him as someone I could love. Until I realized that love doesn't have to be drama. It doesn't have to hurt. Love doesn't have to be Catherine and Heathcliff, it can be Tuesdays in November with a bad headcold and fishsticks for dinner. And it can still be the most wonderful thing you've ever experienced. I just had to make that shift in my mind.

jerect

I'm filing for divorce today and I'm 38 years old and I have the same thoughts and feelings as you.. This is my second failed marriage so obviously I make some bad choices in men..

For me, I'm giving myself a year to heal, which means being alone and facing my thoughts and feelings and working on myself so that when I do date again I dont pick another substance abuser, I pick someone that is heatlhy.. but in order to do that I know that I have to be healthy.. I need to be ok with being alone, even if that means being alone for the next ten years.. I plan on filling my life with activities that do not revolve around men or finding someone to date.. if down the road I meet someone..AWESOME!!! and if I dont..AWESOME.. I'm going to be ok no matter what.. I'm at the point where I would rather be alone then to be with someone that makes me miserable inside

NYCDoglvr

It helps not to "look" for anyone. Just decide to go out and have nice time. It's not about what he thinks of you, it's only about what you think of HIM". Expectations screw up more relationships than practically anything else.

Rosiepetal

Maybe think about yourself rather than think about new men.
Focus on yourself & healing.
This will attract nice men when you are healed & when & if you are ready.

freeatlast1313

the odds are good, but the goods are odd." Love this, thank you.

ZiggyB

Yeah it's a good question...
I am 44 and I don't know if I will meet anyone but I did spend the last 5 years in relationships with people who were unsuitable for me, one was an alcoholic, the other was a pothead.

Right now I am working on being happy by myself without a man. So that way if one happens to come along who is another addict and messed up, I can just say "No thank you" and go on my merry way.

Jerect is right, it's better to be alone than with someone who makes you miserable. If you feel lonely you might be tempted to settle again for someone who is NOT what you need. Maybe what you need to do now is work on being happy with you? If you're feeling lonely and needy you may just attract another weirdo into your life. If you're confident and happy you may attract other confident and happy people. Just a thought...

Titanic

Same goes for the women As.

TakingCharge999

I am finding that as I find more peace with my idea of men in general I am also finding peace for myself. We are individuals complete in ourselves. We are enough. I feel a healthy person is able to give and share in a joyful way without losing her essence and has her heart open and trusting for receiving good things as well. Last weekend I met someone very wise & I was able to feel my tension, my barriers, my fear and my hardened heart-- but I know I can change. 'Wear out, and be new' as the Tao says..