The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 32
It's so interesting that many of the women posting here are so strong in other areas of their lives (in business, careers, with family, friends, etc.) but admit that their "A" got away with behavior they would NEVER allow from another source. Personally, my self-esteem has always been shaky around men-although I feel very confident in other areas-and I've given carte blanche to too many men who have mistreated me. My "A" took that to a whole new level. Ugh
So, what are your thoughts on why we let alcoholics get away with treating us so poorly, in a way we'd never tolerate otherwise?
So, what are your thoughts on why we let alcoholics get away with treating us so poorly, in a way we'd never tolerate otherwise?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by MamaKit 
However, for some reason, I took that reciprocity for granted. Somehow I removed my own happiness from the equation.
My A was strong, ambitious and funny when I met him. But he was also very wounded and broken. "How perfect" I thought. I would complete him. I would fix him and make him feel loved and happy. I would rescue him. I couldn't accept that I failed at that...so, I kept trying. Within that mess somewhere, my brain was rewired to support codependency.
My A was strong, ambitious and funny when I met him. But he was also very wounded and broken. "How perfect" I thought. I would complete him. I would fix him and make him feel loved and happy. I would rescue him. I couldn't accept that I failed at that...so, I kept trying. Within that mess somewhere, my brain was rewired to support codependency.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by MamaKit
However, for some reason, I took that reciprocity for granted. Somehow I removed my own happiness from the equation.
My A was strong, ambitious and funny when I met him. But he was also very wounded and broken. "How perfect" I thought. I would complete him. I would fix him and make him feel loved and happy. I would rescue him. I couldn't accept that I failed at that...so, I kept trying. Within that mess somewhere, my brain was rewired to support codependency.
My A was strong, ambitious and funny when I met him. But he was also very wounded and broken. "How perfect" I thought. I would complete him. I would fix him and make him feel loved and happy. I would rescue him. I couldn't accept that I failed at that...so, I kept trying. Within that mess somewhere, my brain was rewired to support codependency.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Fl
Posts: 4
I have thought about this for a long long time. My AXH was at first defined by me as a sociopath, narcisistic etc. But after reading this whole site and many books, I'm thinking it all turns out to all be symptoms of alcoholism. I read someones story in here and they said "Do not take one single horrible thing we say personally" as they were all lies to defend or justify their drinking. I think I want to belive this, personally however my AXH is still nasty no matter how you slice it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Interesting... so why do you think you were attracted to someone wounded and broken if it wasn't low self esteem? If you felt better about yourself wouldn't you have picked someone that didn't need "fixing"? I fell into that trap too but I suspect I felt I was such a mess myself that I had to take what I could get. Not trying to argue with you, I'm just curious.
I think it was because he only showed the wounded and broken part to me. On the outside, and to everyone else he was the tough, together, self-made guy. I think I mistook it for vulnerability and intimacy.
But I also think, there was a bit of superiority on my part. I knew the way to make someone feel loved...I came from this wonderful loving family. I just assumed he would want what I had to offer. I don't know if I really listened to what he wanted - I thought I knew best.
I don't know, maybe it really is all based on insecurity or low self esteem and I just haven't gotten there yet with my own self-analysis. This thread is giving me some new ways of looking at myself though. Thank you!!!
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